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Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 11:08:34 AM   
sammiebabygirl


Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline 		I have a friend who identifies as a male slave. Every time he leaves a D/s relationship, he finds another Dominant to act as a protector to keep him from going into a sub frenzy or being prey to Dommes that are looking for slaves.
Invariably, he ends up being collared, pretty quickly, by his protector and finds himself, eventually, in a less than ideal situation. This is a pattern that I have noticed with him and I have encouraged him to seek therapy to figure out why he cannot be alone or take care of himself.
He has openly admitted that he cannot be alone, but refuses to seek therapy.
 
Anyway, my question is, do you(Dommes) take on subs looking for protection?
 
jen

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 11:34:58 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		No.

I train people who are sincerely interested in learning more about themselves and BDSM especially being a slave in a functioning, realistic household. I don't do it to protect them only because I see sincere potential and even common ground to make it worth my time.

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 11:50:12 AM   
TPESOSWanted


Posts: 22
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline 		Why would anyone want to?  If the sub ain't HERE with me, then what protection can I actually offer or guarantee?  If she is, then she's my sub.  Pick one.  Being an online 'protector' is bogus.

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 12:03:25 PM   
sammiebabygirl


Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TPESOSWanted

Being an online 'protector' is bogus.


I agree with that completely. But, he is not doing this online. He is seeking out r/t Dominants, who actually give him a collar of protection.
Personally, I never heard of such a thing and find it kind of preditory.
 
jen

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 2:09:09 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline 		If they are so weak as to need "protection", no.

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This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 2:26:43 PM   
MiladyLily


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline 		some 'protectors' turn out to actually just be spoilers.

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 3:12:07 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Have you BEEN over to the general discussion area and looked at the protectors thread?  eeeh.  I guess I am one of the rare people who don't prey on folks they say they will help.

For the friend you have mentioned, I would say he needs a lot more work on his personal self control than he needs any kind of outside protector.  Try leaving the scene for awhile, is what I would recommend for him.

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 3:47:26 PM   
sammiebabygirl


Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline 		Lady Hibiscus,
No, I have not seen the protection threads, but I will look for them. Unless, of course, Lucky Albatross sees this first and posts all the links. LOL
 
As for your advice for my friend. I could not agree more. I just wish I could convince him.
 
Thanks,
jen

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 5:22:15 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		The only time I have functioned as a protector of sorts has been at a play party I have hosted, where a brand new subby has finally taken the plunge to come along. They desperately want to play but are uncertain of how to go about doing so. I have helped them talk to others, guided them a bit through the negotiation process and watched the scene to be sure their limits etc were respected. The aim being to give them a good initial experience and to educate them as to how to go about it. Also to establish a friendship base of somewhere they can turn to with questions while they are going through the whole newby thing. In this context, the role of protector seems appropriate.

I am also happy to be an online educator of subs ... happy to share information, point them to good readings, discuss things with them, be a sounding board if they are unsure of what someone else has said to them. But I would call that more a Teacher or Mentor role, not a protector.

And I don't have ulterior motives, neither am I a predator ... I am just a teacher through and through! That's where I get My reward ... seeing the light of understanding switch on!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 5:54:34 PM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sammiebabygirl

I have a friend who identifies as a male slave. Every time he leaves a D/s relationship, he finds another Dominant to act as a protector to keep him from going into a sub frenzy or being prey to Dommes that are looking for slaves.
Invariably, he ends up being collared, pretty quickly, by his protector and finds himself, eventually, in a less than ideal situation. This is a pattern that I have noticed with him and I have encouraged him to seek therapy to figure out why he cannot be alone or take care of himself.
He has openly admitted that he cannot be alone, but refuses to seek therapy.
 
Anyway, my question is, do you(Dommes) take on subs looking for protection?
 
jen


I can't imagine why one would knowingly enter into a relationship with the likes of the person you describe, unless of course, they are predators preying on the weak and unstable. Which brings me to ask: If he fears falling prey and being victimized, why does he hastily commit and enter into relationships with people he doesn't know? Does he intentionally create a negative self-fulfilling prophesy because he likes the abuse?



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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 6:29:35 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Answering questions people have that are new to the lifestyle, is something I do often.  If it ever happened that someone told me they wanted me as a "protector", which isn't really likely as I'm female, I guess I would point out to them that they need to talk to the person they are considering an intimate relationship with on a one-on-one basis.

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 7:06:03 PM   
sammiebabygirl


Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDolly


Does he intentionally create a negative self-fulfilling prophesy because he likes the abuse?




I think it's more that he doesn't think he deserves anything better.
 
jen

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http://charldine.com/jen2820

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/20/2007 7:37:07 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		My answer is yes in certain circumstances.  If I feel comfortable with a certain individual I will give them protection; however, it almost always end in bad feelings.   One has to be careful what they get into.
I really don't have time to protect subs anymore.  I used to love doing that.  It makes them feel like they have somone to talk with that is in the lifestyle.

Regards, MissSCD

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/21/2007 4:15:48 AM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		I absolutey loathe "protectors".  They always seem to be middle aged meddlers who get off on their own power trip trying to control other Dominants (not submissives)

Seriously, every sub needs to learn to smile and say "no thank you" all by themselves.  They are adults, not children

Dungeon Monitors already perform a valuable service at clubs and parties supervising that "no means no" and other etiquette. 

By all means extend a hand of friendship to every newcomer.  But the responsible thing is to make sure newcomers make lots of friends and get lots of information.  "Protectors" seem to invariably confine newcomers to their own clique and fill their heads with crap.

No scene really needs those meddling waddlers that love handing out "collars of protection".   

End of rant

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 10/21/2007 4:16:33 AM >

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/21/2007 6:06:37 AM   
MsLilac


Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		 
No, I do not do that collar of protection thing. To me, the whole concept is absurd. If someone is that ‘weak’ and needy, I would steer well clear. I have had a few near misses with those kind of emotional vampires. I am also not that interested in flexing my Dommely muscles just to impress myself and some naïve person.

You say your friend had admitted that he does not like to be alone, but has he also admitted his destructive behaviour that co-exists? Fully and honestly recognising our own destructive patterns can sometimes be enough to instigate change. Sounds like he doesn’t see a problem.

It’s great that you seek to help him, but there is only so much you can do. I have been in the position of trying help someone see something that is destructive, but I ended up getting more frustrated and upset than the person concerned. Sometimes, you just cannot help, sometimes there are no solutions, particularly if the person won’t help themselves.

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/21/2007 5:38:08 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Well, the short story of that protectors thread was most everyone saying protectors are the antichrist, and me and a few others saying what is so horrible about being a friend/safecall/helper.

So, perhaps the definition of "protector" is off, because I certainly never advertise that I am keeping an eye out for anyone, since it's not one's business, and I would certainly not try and control that person's actions.  My role is to be the safety net, extra bullshit detector, ride home, safe call, that type of thing.  Some folks are shy, and the first dunk in the pool can be easier if you have someone to walk into the room with.  Protector does NOT equal babysitter, quasi-dominant, or fuckbuddy in my book. 

Since I am NOT  a predator, and responded to the person who attacked me personally with the facts as I see them, I was ignored. :)

Regarding the OP's friend.  Awhile ago, I had a really nasty breakup with a slave.  I deliberately took a break from playing because I had SO much seething fury in me that I was concerned that some poor guy was going to trip my trigger and take the brunt of something not related to him at all.  It took about a year, all told, before I felt safe to play with anyone new to me.   That's what I had to do in order to take care of myself---make sure that I didn't do anything really stupid.

I have to wonder though, if your friend is doing really self-destructive things, if that behavior just wouldn't find another outlet outside the scene.  There's plenty of ways to hurt yourself, after all. It might be the  best thing to just step back.

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/21/2007 7:04:51 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		Definition of protection is still the same. 
It is very simple.  A lot of people do not understand it, and the problem becomes apparent when a novice sub thinks they have a permanet collar. That is not the case with a  protection collar.  It is tempoary until the sub/slave locates an appropriate Dom/me. 
There are  always players out there, but if a person choose to be protected, that is there individual right.

Regards, MissSCD

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/21/2007 7:12:39 PM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		I don't mind introducing new subs to friends around the scene, but I consider that being friendly and networking. Collars of protection seem silly to me. 

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/21/2007 7:16:09 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		Why worry.  Half this site has their own way of doing things.  Whatever floats your boat. 

Regards, SCD

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RE: Do you take subs under your protection? - 10/21/2007 7:17:40 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I've yet to meet a dominant that will cross the line established by a collar - protection or not - unless of course, they're the kind of folks that don't respect collars in the first place.

I've also yet to meet a dominant (in a face to face situation) that would do the extra stuff of approaching a submissive through another dominant.

Perhaps it's just the people I know.

juliet

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