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You can think about it, rationalize it, intellectualize it, forgive it, confront it, etc but yet it's still there - painful as the day it happened? 

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Maybe one day it will hold no power over me at all, but i doubt it, and i can live with that.

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If you are over 25 you probably have enough bagage of your own without having to cope with someone elses.

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but I do think even if we say we have droped our bagage we didnt in a way because we learned from it, it was just put in the bagage compartment  and we arent using it at the moment but if the same situation came into play that bagage rears its ugly head until you can control it,

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ORIGINAL: came4U

k, I knew a guy who carried around his briefcase and when he had a few drinkees he would pull out (and he acts all surprised at it's contents lol) love letters his ex wife wrote to someone else.
He would go on and on about how he found them, what he did about it, and he broke down and cried.

Now, sure, I am a lil heartless but honestly, anyone who claims to want a relationship with me (or anyone else for that matter) really cannot expect someone to accept these outbursts.  I watched in awe, this guy crying, it was horrible, I felt disgusted that he actually pursued me and now I was stuck in the awkward postion of saying 'um, I think it is best you and I go out separate ways'. 

He was obviously not healed of a broken heart and it is not my job to be the queen of hearts and heal him.  That is something he should do on his own.  Even grown ums get heartaches, there is nothing more a mother can even do except make a really great soup, lots of hugs and happy distractions.  With a healthy and slow healing process, it can be settled and put out of mind-priority. This can only be done by the owner of such baggage. 

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Two questions for you. Your post makes it sound as if the guy done this more than once ? If that is so why didnt you end it the first time, given the way you feel.
Secondly, why would the fact someone had trusted you enough to tell you about his past, make you feel disgusted ? 

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ORIGINAL: came4U

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but I do think even if we say we have droped our bagage we didnt in a way because we learned from it, it was just put in the bagage compartment  and we arent using it at the moment but if the same situation came into play that bagage rears its ugly head until you can control it,

then obviously if something can still
'trigger' the issue to come forward and take emotional priority on any given day, then the person isn't properly healed of the given issue at all.  Hiding it on a back burner does little to rid of the trauma event.

I agree to a certain point, but isnt our experiences what we go by, and if its a priority its not on the back burner, as a question I think I maybe confused by what bagage is to you, because if your partner can cause you that much stress on any given day I feel your with the wrong person, I think, I define bagage as, like physicl abuse, or someone cheating ect, thats not something that happens to someone on any given day unless they are still in that relationship  

If one cannot face it head on and allow a circumstancially slow healing to occur within yourself, then it is up to the person who they enter a relationship to decide whether they want to access the information and guide you through. 

My decision? if I were in that position, I would prefer a man who had the ability to overcome his particular dilema on his own without me having to hold his hand. A broken spirited man is of little valuable as a dominant to me. Just as a person goes-it-alone in AA in his/her own personal journey to sobriety, there are people to help during the crutch moments but officially the duty of freeing yourself from the addiction is on your own shoulders.

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ORIGINAL: came4U


It sounds like you have been well on your way to realizing and removing self-blame in regards to your mother. I think you realize also that she was wrong and unfit in her treatment of you. If you weren't, then you would go through life striving to behave to others as she did.  I highly doubt you would treat your ums or others you know like this.  You don't see the type.  Knowing that, it proves that already that the possibility of the cycle to be broken has been just that, broken.  But, you aren't. 

Ridding of baggage occurs in steps or stages, you have already exceeded many hurdles. Removing any of her shame and blame that echo in your mind is done with forgiveness.  Forgive her (she is gone) and forgive yourself. 

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came4u

Velvet's (for example) so called baggage is not so much baggage as it is a deeper hurt..... Baggage that has been 'aquired' over time is a different story......It is only considered baggage if it is put on another's shoulder.

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ORIGINAL: Daddysjezzy

It sounds like you survived an abusive childhood so good on you for that.  They say you never really get rid of abuse and that its always there because its a part of your life experiences, rather you learn to put it to one side so you can focus on other things happening in your life.  My advice is to put her to one side and celebrate the positive things occuring in your life.  Good luck