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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 5:06:44 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterDemiurge

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

(Edited to Add :: Fast Reply ::)

While you're kicking and screaming and throwing stones, I'm going to be tending to my own glass house over here.

Hmmm... Sounds like passive-aggressive stone throwing to me... or is it just being holier-than-thou. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.

A saint I ain't. That was my point. Never mind this cast, it only hurts when I arm wrestle.

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 5:11:04 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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To the OP, cutting and pasting your profile on any one of the forums (I believe) is a violation of TOS.

Ron

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 5:16:22 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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And you think that people who don't like getting tied up during sex don't cheat? We are just people here. If 50% of married men have admitted to cheating on anonymous surveys, then why would you assume that those who enjoy it with whips and chains are somehow exempt from the same problems that afflict those who don't use the toys.

And as rants go, I only give it a 3 out of ten due to writing style.

Editted to fix do/due mistake

< Message edited by Celeste43 -- 10/22/2007 5:17:25 AM >

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 5:16:55 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
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yes i have met and made friends with a few married Doms on this site and single nilla males. so my question to you, OP, are the marrieds chatting because we chat about things other than the lifestyle? i think not. i (and the parties involved) know it will not go beyond the friendship level since i'm engaged to my SO. and believe me, he trusts me with my male friends as much as i trust him chatting with his female friends.

perhaps the lifestyle should be about trust, communication, etc however you cannot force everyone here into accepting your beliefs as gospel or the TWUE-ism of BDSM. so are you guilty of something everyone should know about? have you yourself cheated? do you owe us an apology? i for one can say i haven't cheated on Daddy or my SO - can you?

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 7:17:50 AM

meticulousgirl

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some people cheat, others do not, i'm one of those that believe in complete manogomy..............so no i dont cheat.

~meticulous~

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RE: Questions about BDSM cheating - 10/22/2007 7:34:15 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

I've always been open on here about cheating in the past. I was one of the ones who was afraid to tell Hubby about my desires so i researched BDSM on my own and had some on line experiences for 2 yrs, then a real life Dom for 6 mo. When Hubby found out we had a long talk about it and He forgave me and wanted to learn to be my Dom. My biggest mistake was not talking to Him first.

I find this very cool. A lot of married people could learn for this if you just talk. If you love someone really love them you will try anything. this is a give and take relationship
wish more people would do this Instead of trying to find answers to life the universe and someone Else's bed

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 7:35:03 AM

Jeffff

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I have found, that people generally expect to get, what they give. If I met someone obsessed with cheating, I would tend to walk quickly the other way

Jeff

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 8:45:17 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
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I tell people (that I am thinking about playing with.) If you are married, I need to meet your spouse to be sure in my own mind that they are ok with what their spouse is doing. I don't meet them, we don't play. I even put something to that effect in my profile. It has helped keep the cheaters away.

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 8:47:58 AM

LATEXBABY64

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i do not know I guess i have high standards which is fine for me. I just respect what people have maybe that is the key respect what others built in their life

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 9:20:28 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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To the OP, some of what you say makes you sound like a woman scorned. More like you learned a lesson first hand that you are trying to teach to others second hand.

A long time ago, I had to come to terms to the fact that not everyone has the same moral code that I do. In some ways, it still comes up. A lot of folks don't understand that there can be morals and poly in the same mix. Some can't wrap themselves around the idea that, just because a person is poly, doesn't necessarily mean that they cheat. Just because a person has specific guidelines for themselves and their own relationships, doesn't mean they can't be involved with more than one person.

I'm not trying to be the poster gal for poly by any means. I can tell you only that I have a husband and I also have a sub. We have a functioning triad that works for U/us. My husband also has a sub, but he's learning about the lifestyle, so I don't see that as much of anything. At this point, she isn't nearly considered a member of Our poly household as My boy is. My submissive also happens to be married to a woman who has knowledge of what W/we share, but isn't involved. No one (including Myself as HOH) is permitted relationships outside of O/our poly family. That, I would consider cheating. Being secretive or non-disclosing about the same is an equal in My eyes. Some of U/us who are poly don't tolerate such things in the same way many monogomous folks do.

Personally, I do see honesty as a cornerstone in these things. It has more to do with the truth than how many people are actively involved in a person's life. Dishonesty for Me is a greater infraction than play or even sex. Of course, that's just My own personal opinion.

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 9:46:26 AM

Dnomyar

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Why has'nt the op included women cheaters??? What if her man is cheating with another man?

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 9:57:31 AM

MsIncontrol

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/3/2007
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I am married and I do see/play with others but I do not consider myself a cheater. I am 100% open and honest with my husband and he is 100% okay with this and while has not exercised his option, he is able to seek the same. We have discussed and established limits between us to make us both feel comfortable with the situation.

At the same time, I will not see/play with anyone who is married and cheating. I've been called a hypocrite for this but I do not agree with that assessment. If I am your Domme and you are married my pleasure is limited to your unknowing wife/husbands needs. For example, what if I accidental bruise you? If you are so willing to lie to someone you have made vows with, how can I trust your word?

There are ways to immediately determine if someone is a married cheater..simply ask. I always tell the married men that ask to serve me that I only work with married men in which I have explicit permission from their wife. Once I am frank and express my desires that is enough for them to bow out of further communication.

In sales we are told to go for the "no" quickly so you can focus your time on the yes potentials and that is what I do when seeking partners/play dates etc.

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 10:35:18 AM

RoninTyger

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Joined: 12/12/2006
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"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan
you can say its not but if they dont know it its cheating! I'd love to play you in poker and when i lay down 5 aces ill tell you i dont think its cheating so you lose. put that into your geometry lesson.

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 10:39:49 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Why has'nt the op included women cheaters??? What if her man is cheating with another man?

Well, depending on voyuer options.......... <wink>

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Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 11:27:17 AM

lateralist1

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We still don't have a definition of cheating.
Is playing without sex cheating?
I go to great lengths to try and help married men to understand that it is.
They just don't get it.
Vanilla people are focused on sex as the cheat factor.
Whereas we all know that a kiss or a spanking can be just as valid as a cheat factor.
Lets face it human beings just aren't good at being manogomous in any way.
We are curious. We like to explore. We fall in love. So we have to learn to be honest.
Or cheat whichever is your preference. If you want an easy life don't do either.

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 12:45:09 PM

sammiebabygirl

Posts: 465
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My definition of cheating is doing anything behind someone's back that you are in a committed, honesty based relationship with. The key here is honesty and lack there of.

If there is open communication of what each person is doing, it is not cheating.

jen

< Message edited by sammiebabygirl -- 10/22/2007 12:46:08 PM >

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 1:18:22 PM

colouredin

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Ive been on all sides, i have cheated ive been cheated on and ive been the other woman but all of those were in vanilla contexts. BDSM seems to have a lot of liers and fakes possibly because we tend to talk about it so much. Its a relatively small community so anyone who is dishonest is met with a lot of hostility. I personally now wouldnt get involved with anyone in a relationship and i dont like the messages from married men who say stuff like my wife doesnt understand, im sure she doesnt proabbly because you havent spoken to her, i think if its that important to you then you should probably not be with your wife, but ive been in a situation where i realised the validity of my opinions was virtually zero. My (now) best friend is a married sub and she was with a married Dom and when i initially found out i gave them all the moral lectures and sat up their on my high horse and then i met her husband and her children and kinda understood why she did it. I also realised everyone's life is differant. I personally wouldnt do it and i have my own reasons for it but seriously one of my pet peeves is people being overly judgemental of the way differant people feel about their involvement in BDSM so now i say each to their own. Im not going to dislike someone simply for this reason and though honesty is normally the best policy (as a pervious poster said) those is glass houses shouldnt throw stones. Im not perfect and no situation ever is. If you dont like the idea of married men dont be with one, i actually find it refreshing how many people are totally upfront about their marital status on sites like these. People will always lie though its human nature.

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 1:41:48 PM

LadyPact

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Not to start this into another debate entirely, but I don't believe it is in the human nature to be dishonest. As opposed to nature, I believe this to be a nurtured characteristic. It goes back to the question of why people lie.

In a lot of cases, people lie because of the consequences that they would have to face if instead they told the truth. It's more about cause and effect. Telling the truth about things less than honorable usually has negative consequences. How many of U/us remember as a child getting in trouble? We carry that over as adults. That's not something that a person is born with. It has more to do with the way they are raised.

Let's look at it from another angle. Let's say, for example, that you could do anything you wanted. There were no punishments or other consequences for anything you chose to do. Would there be a need to lie about it? Probably not.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 1:45:58 PM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Not to start this into another debate entirely, but I don't believe it is in the human nature to be dishonest. As opposed to nature, I believe this to be a nurtured characteristic. It goes back to the question of why people lie.

In a lot of cases, people lie because of the consequences that they would have to face if instead they told the truth. It's more about cause and effect. Telling the truth about things less than honorable usually has negative consequences. How many of U/us remember as a child getting in trouble? We carry that over as adults. That's not something that a person is born with. It has more to do with the way they are raised.

Let's look at it from another angle. Let's say, for example, that you could do anything you wanted. There were no punishments or other consequences for anything you chose to do. Would there be a need to lie about it? Probably not.

You are right, it was a bad turn of phrase sorry about that :D

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RE: Questions about BDSM'er cheating - 10/22/2007 2:21:54 PM

submittous

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I cheating means going behind a partners back or without their knowledge we have never cheated in the over 20 years we have been together. We have not been monogamous however. Now that we are a Dom/me couple and therefore inherently looking to create a bdsm poly family we expect to be even less monogamous.

Bill and Iris

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