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RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 6:04:02 AM   
boytoy4female


Posts: 103
Joined: 8/10/2006
Status: offline 		Isn't it amazing that the guys get little mail and the women get bombarded. I receive a disspointingly low amount of mail or inquiries. At this point, I'm open to just discussing experiences and sharing insight. But, still very little contact.

I believe, most women are seeking to internally address their desires. But, their inhibitions keep them from the actual experience. Men, on the other hand, are more willing to take a leap.

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 6:15:56 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		No response is a response. The reason you aren't getting thanks but no thanks is because every female has done that in the past and either the guy thinks that she's just playing hard to get and keeps importuning her or she gets back vitriol on the order of; "You're too fat to fuck",  "How dare you refuse me you bitch", or even "I hope the next man you meet cuts you up, cunt".

Having gotten all those sorts of creepy responses, we don't respond because we don't get the attacks when we don't respond, only when we do reject someone.

Plus your opening email is horrible. If there's something about her that attracted you, then say so. If you're just looking for anything in a skirt, nobody is going to feel warm and fuzzy towards you in a response.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 6:23:34 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		personally, when i was searching for my other half with Daddy's permission, i would scrutinize every dom's profile because i'm a picky person who knew what i was looking for. the potential guy would have to at least match me not only in kink interests but in common interests outside the kink, intelligence, etc as well.

then i would look at the age - if you're younger or same age as my twin brothers, sorry i would pass you over.  not saying you wouldn't make a good dom however i prerfer someone who's closer or older than me.  plus there's how you present your profile (weird fonts and colors - major turn off) to see if you're someone i should be interested or just another guy looking for "right here and now" and your journal. it looks bad if a dom continuously complains in his journal about how there's no "real" and/or "true" submissives/slaves on this site.

it took me over a year to find such a person and we're getting married next year.

good luck in your search


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 6:30:13 AM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		I try to at least answer people with a polite, "I am not intested, but I wish you well in your search."

I don't know about anyone else, but some of the emails I receive are difficult to do that with.  For example: Hi, I am so & so from such & such a place. 
I can't for the life of me figure out how to politely answer that if I am not interested.   It isn't like they were asking if I was.  I find those to be annoying.  I usually write back hello, because it would be assuming of me to write back that I am interested because they haven't asked anything of me, nor have they shown their interest.

Or sometimes they will just say, "Care to chat?"
I almost always answer no thank you.

There are very few emails I won't answer.  Generally, if the person is respectful, & polite, I will give them an answer.  Sometimes, I get repeat email with the same message from someone I said I wasn't interested in.  Those, I won't reply to.  Canned messages that look like they have been or could be sent to just anyone on here,  will sometimes not get a response. 

Usually, it is pretty easy to tell if someone has read my profile.  If they haven't, sometimes, I don't bother to reply. 

I don't know what to tell you about how to get responses.  You might be better off sometimes, not getting a response if it is going to be negative.  I find real life to always be a better way to get  to know people.  Many don't want to go out of the way to meet new people in real life, but I can tell you, that munches & local get togethers are a great way to get to know people in the lifestyle & shouldn't leave anyone feeling too intimidated.  Offer to help out at some of the functions.  I have met some very good new friends from volunteering for these.  



(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 6:34:52 AM   
pearlmoongirl


Posts: 68
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline 		If a message looks cut-and-pasted, or otherwise generic, I'd know that Dom was not for me. But I would reply to any message that was polite and friendly and say no thanks.

That being said, I've stopped looking for that Special Someone via web sites because I've gotten too many emails from guys who are just plain creepy. They don't take no for an answer, they get angry/abusive when things don't pan out, they dangle a collar to try to get me to reveal personal details.

I know I'm not alone in what I experienced, either, so this is what You're up against. So my advice is: be real and be selective. Hopefully  You'll get lucky and find what You're seeking.

~ pmg

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 7:32:12 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Kid,

You got two huge strikes against you, first off you are just a kid, second, most of the "women" your age on this site are probably hung bigger than you are and have hair in places you won't for another 30 years.

Translation: Most of the pics of young women on this site are actually men pretending to be women, especially if they are thin and attractive.  So be glad they didn't come after you!

As a bunch of people have suggested, join local BDSM groups, learn and grow, and show how mature you can be, work on building  a reputation as a young dominant with skill and maturity and then you will be the one turning people away, till thin Rosy Palm will be your best friend.  It can be done but it is slow work and I wish you the best with it.

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 7:53:12 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ferninja
I simply say "Hi, I liked your profile. You like <blank>? We should talk more, write me back. I'd like to get to know you more." but it seems that it is all in vain.

My question is this. As submissives/slaves, do you all carefully select who to respond to?

Yup. Generally, I'm not all that interested in someone saying "we should talk more, write me back", which comes off as a command to me. An informal and not very rude one but a command all the same. It would just turn me off.
quote:


Is it a physical thing or do you look for personality?

Both. In my search I wanted someone I was attracted to, but personality can really up how physically attracted to someone I am.
quote:


Is it the presentation and how they talk to you when they first contact you?

First impressions do mean a lot.
quote:


How does the process go? because ive been looking for a while and Ive so far found no one to claim as my own. Anyone out there who can help a Dom in need?

Be patient.

Really really really really really patient. It may take years. Focus on just learning as much as you can. Even though you are the dominant, you still want to something to offer a submissive. Doesn't have to be about BDSM either, pursue your own interests. One of the reasons Valyraen and I match up so well is because we have several interests in common that have nothing to do with BDSM.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 8:15:12 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		For me it may seem to be any one number of things, personality, looks, location, age, body type, but none of this is really that important. You see, I'm not looking for a vanilla relationship. I'm submissive. Plus I'm exclusive to Dommes, but only certain Dommes.

I have a set of criteria which she has to match. Only I don't know from looking at her profile whether she meets all the criteria, as half the criteria has to come from her through what she says of her own will. These are all signals. My profile contains most of my signals, I know this aleady from the few Dommes who have already responded.

Learning to pick up signals from a Dominant is to me, the key to being able to submit to them in the way they want you to submit, but also in a way where through your submission you still remain yourself.

And when a Domme first makes contact with me, this is what I'm looking for, her signals.

But by far the biggest single deciding factor for me is how quickly she can find my mind. I know a good experienced Domme is perfectly able to find my mind within say 200-250 words either spoken or written.

You can write as many memos as you like, post as many photos as you like, write as long a profile as you like, you can wear what you like, you can list as many interests and hobbies as you like....

... but until you understand that the basis of establishing BDSM and D/s relationships is mainly down to live human interaction and learning to recognise and give off the right signals you're not really going to get that far.


(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 12:13:42 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ferninja

              Ok, I dont own anyone here so im going to be respectful. I've sent out about 50 messages to various submissives and slaves all around the florida/georgia area. And for almost every message i get no response. I actually take time to write this stuff and i cant even get a "sorry, not interested." Which I would appreciate. Its not that Im being as asshole to them, I dont bark demands at someone I dont know. (No "get on your knees, bitch" instances) I simply say "Hi, I liked your profile. You like <blank>? We should talk more, write me back. I'd like to get to know you more." but it seems that it is all in vain.

My question is this. As submissives/slaves, do you all carefully select who to respond to? Is it a physical thing or do you look for personality? Is it the presentation and how they talk to you when they first contact you? How does the process go? because ive been looking for a while and Ive so far found no one to claim as my own. Anyone out there who can help a Dom in need?


Sometimes i think people come onto a BDSM site thinking the people on it are so much different than people anywhere. We're all still just people and as such each of us has our own individual way of handling whatever we encounter, be that email or anything else. Blanket opinions about people or seeking answers from subs and slaves in general isn't going to answer why the people you contacted did not respond.
 
From my perspective when i was seeking a Master, if i wrote to Him and received no response, that was my answer. i didn't need Him to spell it out for me, wasting His time with an email saying "hey chica - get it? I'm not interested.  So i'd recommend letting it go when you receive no answer. Another possible reason for no response could be what you're saying in your emails. Subs and slaves receive may inquiries, we're just as particular as Doms and Masters when it comes to a partner or Owner. Hope this helps

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 1:32:27 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

No response is a response. The reason you aren't getting thanks but no thanks is because every female has done that in the past and either the guy thinks that she's just playing hard to get and keeps importuning her or she gets back vitriol on the order of; "You're too fat to fuck",  "How dare you refuse me you bitch", or even "I hope the next man you meet cuts you up, cunt".

Having gotten all those sorts of creepy responses, we don't respond because we don't get the attacks when we don't respond, only when we do reject someone.

Plus your opening email is horrible. If there's something about her that attracted you, then say so. If you're just looking for anything in a skirt, nobody is going to feel warm and fuzzy towards you in a response.


I agree with this, the horrible mail you get back when you say no, or the desperate attmepts to convince you. Mind you you can also get abusive mail when you dont reply. Peronally i reopened my profile about 5 days ago ish and i already have 8 pages of mail. When you are looking for something specific you do only reply to those, or else i give one worded responses which i guess are frustrating (mind you how else can you respond to how are you mails) Also i think it become pretty obvious when a guy has written 50 odd mails to girls, why not specify who you want to talk to a bit more??? i dunno. I never reply to mass mail. The ones i  like most are ones that are funny and actually normally dont mention BDSM at all are more about my interests or something ive written in the forum etc etc. Something that shows a genuiene interest in me.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 1:40:46 PM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I believe, most women are seeking to internally address their desires. But, their inhibitions keep them from the actual experience. Men, on the other hand, are more willing to take a leap.


Nah, at least for me, it's more the fact that in receiving so many messages, I have to be pretty selective in order to have the time to actually respond in a remotely meaningful way.

If I replied to every single message that I got, regardless of quality... I wouldn't be doing much else with my day. In addition to a need for discretion, I have the luxury of not really being for want of any particular kind of interaction. My life is pretty fulfilling as it stands (maybe a little too much, there aren't enough hours in a day!), and I have plenty of friends in and out of the lifestyle, and play partners aren't difficult to come by offline.

Whereas I welcome new and positive influences in my life, I am not lacking nor am I overeager. If I'm going to invest time into a new friendship with someone online, it has to be fairly obviously worthwhile. That isn't neccessarily anything that is a big deal, making me smile is pretty worthwhile in my book.

So anyway, I'm not at all inhibited... I just use this little thing called "discretion".

< Message edited by iammachine -- 10/22/2007 1:48:57 PM >

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to boytoy4female)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 2:31:42 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin


I agree with this, the horrible mail you get back when you say no, or the desperate attmepts to convince you. Mind you you can also get abusive mail when you dont reply. Peronally i reopened my profile about 5 days ago ish and i already have 8 pages of mail. When you are looking for something specific you do only reply to those, or else i give one worded responses which i guess are frustrating (mind you how else can you respond to how are you mails) Also i think it become pretty obvious when a guy has written 50 odd mails to girls, why not specify who you want to talk to a bit more??? i dunno. I never reply to mass mail. The ones i  like most are ones that are funny and actually normally dont mention BDSM at all are more about my interests or something ive written in the forum etc etc. Something that shows a genuiene interest in me.



After just a couple of days here I changed my profile to say I was 89 years old. At that point the only mail I got was from people who found it fascinating that a true octogenarian was on the site. I exchanged a couple of friendly letters after telling the truth.

And once you've been here a bit, you don't get so much mail simply because you aren't considered to be new and therefore easy to get.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 3:29:30 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		if you wrote to me, even if it's a nice e-mail, and it said : 'we should talk more, write me back', i'd think to myself, 'what do we have to talk about and why should i write him back', and then i'd hit the delete button. in other words, give me a reason to think/feel that we should talk more.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ferninja

               Ok, I dont own anyone here so im going to be respectful. I've sent out about 50 messages to various submissives and slaves all around the florida/georgia area. And for almost every message i get no response. I actually take time to write this stuff and i cant even get a "sorry, not interested." Which I would appreciate. Its not that Im being as asshole to them, I dont bark demands at someone I dont know. (No "get on your knees, bitch" instances) I simply say "Hi, I liked your profile. You like <blank>? We should talk more, write me back. I'd like to get to know you more." but it seems that it is all in vain.

My question is this. As submissives/slaves, do you all carefully select who to respond to? Is it a physical thing or do you look for personality? Is it the presentation and how they talk to you when they first contact you? How does the process go? because ive been looking for a while and Ive so far found no one to claim as my own. Anyone out there who can help a Dom in need?


(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 3:54:43 PM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		What pretty much everyone else has said, plus this:

Keep in mind that there are more men on this site then women.  Do the things that have been suggested to you. Be patient. Get involved however you can.  (I know you said you live on a base, maybe you could try to go to 1 event a month?  At least it will be getting out there.)

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 4:48:51 PM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		For me when someone emails me, which i get quite a few per week, i read what they say and if i'm interested in knowing more i will look at their entire profile. If their profile is not completely filled out, meaning if in their description they have all but a couple lines, i will email back and say no thank you but best of luck in searching. Or if he does not meet my criteria: age, distance, location, etc. i will automatically delete the message. How they address me is a big issue because i will not just be like, ok i'll get on my knees for you. No, even when i write someone that i'm interested in i will a few sentences and i expect the same in return. Like you, i also sent out i don't even know how many to different Doms and some responded back and some didn't. Just be patient continue looking and coming on the forum boards helps people know a little about you as well.
  Best of luck

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 6:01:31 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		I had my profile active for 24 hours and had several responses... I am in the process of sorting through them (and have disabled my main profile whilst doing this). 

Some were rejected to due their age and sexual orientation.  I sent a nice thank you but no thank you.  Some were eliminated further upon sending out a response where I asked questions about how they play Dom, some were too deep into the kink for where I am right now, again a thankyou but no thankyou response.

The ones that caught my attention the dom spoke directly to me, made reference to some comment I made in my profile, used my name and addressed me personally.  They also showed tenderness and patience.... and that's where my kink lies, the contrast between tough and sweet, knowing they can be dominant but will protect me, see me as theirs, something to be used but also cherished and valued.

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 6:30:20 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Antonio... I'm going to repost and revise a response that I gave another young dominant just a couple of days ago...

I'd suggest a couple of things; your profile seems very nice, but it needs to have a bit more information than you've provided.  You might start with what you feel a Dominant/submissive relationship should be like... what it is that you expect and what you can provide.

Here's a few threads that my own dominant started shortly after we met... I'd recommend you read them carefully, he's a wise man. 

How to succeed in your search...

How to succeed in your search - The "Numbers" Game...

How to succeed in your search - Hunting the femsub Part I

Good luck and have patience.

Edited to fix the links.

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 10/22/2007 6:34:43 PM >

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 9:03:40 PM   
onthedl94


Posts: 17
Joined: 8/18/2007
Status: offline 		Well, ferninja, I agree with most of what has been suggested to you thus far.  The women on this, and any other site for that matter, get more email then the men no matter what our profile says about ourselves.  My profile, for example, clearly states that "...I am not interested in obtaining a Dom just yet..."  but I still get emails from Doms/Masters asking if I want to be trained by them or asking if I am collared.  That just shows they either a) didn't really bother to read my profile or b) don't care about the information I have taken the time to offer them and they are only interested in what They want.  I suspect neither of these items would make you feel eager to respond either.  Plus, it is just very difficult to reply to every email I receive no matter how hard I try, and I honestly do try.

Your profile is very important, as well.  Not to be rude, but you go on and on about lions and alpha male and things of this nature and personally it is boring and a turn off for me.  It does not offer any personal information or insight on who you are or what type of sub you are looking for. While you aren't expected to provide your whole life history in your profile, it is meant for you to tell those you are interested in what you are all about.  You may want to rethink your personal presentation.

Also, and I truely hate to say this because I don't want to discourage you, but age does make a difference more so when it comes to a Dom/me, Master than when it comes to a sub/slave.  At the age of 21 how much training have you truely had?  While there are some exceptions to this statement (SteelofUtah for example) for the most part young or new Dom/mes, Masters will have a hard time finding subs/slaves to serve them.  You may want to find a mentor and as BitaTruble suggested, definately "Go to munches, events, workshops etc. Participate in those activities and start getting yourself known."

Hope this helps.

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 9:52:47 PM   
curiouspet55


Posts: 133
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		It isn't all physical, but I do select who I respond to. Mainly, if the message didn't tell me something about the person, I look over the profile to supplement it. If the profile isn't filled out and the message is rather sparse, I may wait to respond until I have time to think up something entertaining. I try to respond to most of the messages I get, but flooding is common, and if you aren't going to be forthcoming with any information to give me some insight as to your personality than you aren't worth my time. Really bad grammar or incorrect spelling will put a "no" on a message for me too. Sometimes a message may sit for a month, but I do eventually respond in some way.

Hope that helps,
cp55

_____________________________

Question everything, try anything, do something.

(in reply to ferninja)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dom new to the site has questions - 10/22/2007 10:27:48 PM   
simplyeli


Posts: 31
Joined: 4/7/2007
From: Panhandle of Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouspet55

It isn't all physical, but I do select who I respond to. Mainly, if the message didn't tell me something about the person, I look over the profile to supplement it. If the profile isn't filled out and the message is rather sparse, I may wait to respond until I have time to think up something entertaining. I try to respond to most of the messages I get, but flooding is common, and if you aren't going to be forthcoming with any information to give me some insight as to your personality than you aren't worth my time. Really bad grammar or incorrect spelling will put a "no" on a message for me too. Sometimes a message may sit for a month, but I do eventually respond in some way.

Hope that helps,
cp55



HERE! HERE! i agree that flooding is an annoyance sometimes, but i can tell You, that i can tell within the first few words of the message whether or not He has read my profile and whether He has read my journals (which i think are just as important as the profile itself, journals keep things up-to-date).
I also sometimes wait until have i have more time to properly answer certain notes. and sometimes it may be days, but i try to eventually answer, if with nothing more than a 'thanks for the note'.
and, yes, grammar and spelling count! typos are one thing, illiteracy is another. looks are important as far as letting me know if someone takes care of themselves, but intelligence is a must! also, and i know i am not being politically correct, but learn the freakin language (and i dont mean BDSM lingo). i know this does not relate to ferninja, but it is one of my own personal little glitches, and i thought i would mention it.and just so i dont get any hate mail, i apologize if i offended anyone with that remark, please dont email me to tell me how horrible i am, i already know, k?!
good luck with Your search and be diligent, be patient and be honest. and be Yourself.
Humor works too! *wink, wink*


_____________________________

"It is what separates us from the beast...our wicked carnal desires" ---DeSade

"The only unnatural sex act is no sex at all." ---Freud

"A halo on a subbie is nothing more than a glorified cockring." ---Hawk



(in reply to curiouspet55)
Profile   Post #: 40
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