RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes'

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes'

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RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 10:30:12 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Something should be done? I agree. I have the solution. It's a nine letter word starting with 't' and ending with 'e'.

TOLERANCE.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I see some sort of boundary here being infringed, and that boundary lies between the BDSM community and what we all define as 'society'.

Newsflash! Not everything in life works out as we want it. Newsflash! Not everything in the BDSM community or in our contacts works out or fulfills its promise.

But rather than just shrug their shoulders and say 'oh well' or 'sh*t happens' there's an awful lot of people out there who are only to happy to point the finger at someone, and quite often it's someone they don't know or don't know well enough, and call them a 'fake', a 'wannabe' a 'player'. How do we know? On what basis are these arguments? On how something or someone looks or behaves?

Brilliant. Now that's what I call prejudice. And you see, out in what we call wider society there's very few of us who would be perceived as being socially acceptable. How many of you out there are prepared to declare your BDSM interests to your work colleagues? Or to your neighbours?

Maybe it's just me, but I see this whole thread as one which is based on pure hypocrisy. I mean, those of you who are so quick to call someone else a 'fake', a 'player' or a 'wannabe' are you so perfect? What were you like when you first started out in BDSM? Or were you as perfect as you are now? I bet not.

I bet there's a lot of you out there who just like me are experienced, but you know, I'm prepared to be open and honest about the times I screwed uip, about the times I messed people around, about the times I never got my act together, and about the things I promised other people but never followed through.

So what now? Does that make me a 'fake'? A 'wannabe'? Or what?

You go ahead and label me as you wish. It doesn't bother me. All I know is that I see a lot of hypocrisy in this discussion.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 41

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 11:33:06 AM

amelliagrace

Posts: 1792
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

OK, Squeakers, I am outting you..........

See the problem?

We have too many goddamn chickens running around with their heads cut off already.

Ron

Some days, when reading on this site, it is all I can do to keep from banging my head on the desk. No doubt I bring forth the same feelings in others, lol, which only serves to further underscore your point. You, Ron, are an absolute master of understatement.

Regards -

Grace

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 42

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 12:09:08 PM

slaveelle

Posts: 116
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline

i believe everyone of us started somewhere, its hard for most to get solid information so they come here and ask, granted some of the questions asked may annoy the crap out of you because youve heard the same questions over and over again but they are just starting to learn about a lfestyle they know nothing about. i love hearing the questions they pose to the forums, they are full of excitement and have a willingness to learn from those who are living the lifestyle. Some "out" them as fakes/wannabes cause they dont know anything and are learning. I get tired of hearing people say he/she is a fake/wannabe just because their opinion wasnt the same or they disagreed on different issues. If thats the case, then we are all wannabes/fake and players. Ok, ive had my 0.02c worth.
Ps
Call me a player, wannabe fake, i dont care, why because you have no bearing on who i am or what my life is like, your just pixels on my screen...lol.
Cheers
elle

_____________________________

"No bond is stronger than that of the Beast"

(in reply to amelliagrace)

Post #: 43

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 1:11:30 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

And fucking A, I have an agenda. Show me a human without one and I'll show you a liar.
Hmm, I am on an internet personals site, unless I am currently with someone, there is a strong bet that I am here looking for someone to serve me, matter of fact thats what my profile says. Questions anyone?

(in reply to slaveelle)

Post #: 44

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 1:12:22 PM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

This is to all those who've posted here (and others who think the same) going on just like the OP about all the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes'.

Well maybe it isn't the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' which is the problem, but your attitude towards other people.

How come you people are so focussed on what they're doing?

Surely your own life, relationships and interests are more interesting. Or aren't they?

Umm did you read my entire post----I really do not think there should be black lists and maybe those we might consider fakes, wannabe's and players are not really what we think they are. Maybe they are new---maybe they are learning. Having a black list to 'out' these people is NOT being tolerant to anyone. And after reading through the post I think most think the same way including the moderator.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 45

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 2:02:26 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

This is to all those who've posted here (and others who think the same) going on just like the OP about all the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes'.

Well maybe it isn't the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' which is the problem, but your attitude towards other people.

How come you people are so focussed on what they're doing?

Surely your own life, relationships and interests are more interesting. Or aren't they?

Umm did you read my entire post----I really do not think there should be black lists and maybe those we might consider fakes, wannabe's and players are not really what we think they are. Maybe they are new---maybe they are learning. Having a black list to 'out' these people is NOT being tolerant to anyone. And after reading through the post I think most think the same way including the moderator.

I thought I did, but you're right, I missed a couple of the important points. Apologies. I agree with you, I did all my learning pre-Internet too and understand where you're coming from. You made a good point that in order to learn you have to be a 'player', 'fake' or 'wannabe' at times.

Communication is the answer.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 46

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 4:09:42 PM

MistresssAria

Posts: 165
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

I think that was excellently written, and the only people who should be blacklisted are those who pose threats to safety.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 47

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 4:26:36 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

But who are we to judge what is safe? it's pretty subjective

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to MistresssAria)

Post #: 48

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 4:57:59 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I don't know, but I wish we COULD do something about it. Would save me a lot of frustration. I just TWO more potential subs disappear on me. That makes THREE just this month!

Is that a record?

I'm not even that scary. What's the deal?

(in reply to LadyLynx)

Post #: 49

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 5:16:53 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

yeah, thats been happening to me alot lately too. They just scared I guess. Going from fantasy to real time is a big step.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 50

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 5:31:05 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Something should be done? I agree. I have the solution. It's a nine letter word starting with 't' and ending with 'e'.

TOLERANCE.

stop...

nope...there are things i won't be tolerant of because i am not perfect and i do judge because i feel there are things that need to be judged for my personal saftey and the safety of those i love...so.....i won't bound about wearing a cape of "tolerance and non-judgementalness" like it makes me better than everyone else...

chelle...the intolerant and judgemental one....

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 51

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 5:34:15 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

i am right there with you chellekitty... i find the older i get, the more judgmental and intolerant i have become too.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 52

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 5:37:01 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

I already have my list. I refer to the people on it as "Bobkateers"

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 53

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 5:42:43 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

I agree, with both stella and chelle. Yes we should try to be as open minded as we can be, (in general.) But with regard to personal safety, that is very important too.

For years I have consistantly kept an open mind. It is not easy, and I had to work at it alot. some days easier then others. When it came to personal issues, (whether it was with myself or my loved ones.) I went my gut. based on what knowledge I had of the situation and of the other people involved. I know what makes ME happy. I am more then willing to wait as long as it takes to get there.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 54

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 6:21:37 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

Another good point.
What comes to my mind when I'm in a tolerant and charitable mood is that the expectations of what a dominant should do and what a submissive should do (or be like or talk like or any number of things) differs for each person. I try to get that sense up front, whenever a slave or submissive (or switch or dom) emails me. What is their definition of serving? What are they looking for in a dominant?
Just because I may be looking for more than just a play partner doesn't mean that all the people looking for kinky sex are wannabe's... just means they have to find the other people just looking for kinky sex or that don't mind just kinky sex. Not everyone needs the same level of commitment.

Psy (aka Lady Jag)

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to LadyLynx)

Post #: 55

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 6:27:23 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

I guess after seeing some of the many post. Just approach with caution would be the best answer here

(in reply to PsyVamp)

Post #: 56

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 7:04:58 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

This is such a minefield. There is a private list where some local gals report objectively on boys we have met, just saying facts, such as MARRIED, always late, really good natured, great with carpentry, whatever. We save each other a lot of time, and we are not out to hurt or out anyone.

Closer to home, I have an ex who is a danger to himself and others. What can I say, besides "tread carefully"? Well, check the michigan.gov offenders list, maybe.... We have a local dominant whose favorite prey is young mothers. He's broken up two marriages in the past few years. What do we do about this person that so many happily accept as Mr Experienced Top? He is right out there doing his thing, and while I disapprove, it's not criminal to be a toxic jerk. I wish I could protect everyone from the creepy crawlies, but I can't.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 57

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 7:10:10 PM

MiladyJade

Posts: 13
Joined: 10/21/2007
Status: offline

I enjoy cinnamon with butter on toast.

A good many people think that cinnamon on toast is disgusting.

I enjoy ropework. A good many people fear it, think it's a waste of time, or what have you.

Not everyone is going to be everyone else's cup of tea- I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea. My assertiveness ticks people off, my opinionatedness (is that a word?!) annoys people, and the fact that I'm Switch, rather than simply D or simply s, really really bugs people. I'm okay with that. And a lot of other people are okay with those things. If someone blacklisted me simply because I feel I am equal to other Dominants, I'd be screwed, in this lifestyle. I'm glad I haven't been blacklisted, and so I will also not blacklist.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 58

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 8:09:56 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I make a distinction between "someone I don't like" and "someone who carries a handgun without a permit and might hurt or kill you". When I say danger, I mean DANGER!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to MiladyJade)

Post #: 59

RE: Outing the 'fakes', 'players' and 'wannabes' - 10/22/2007 8:39:03 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

Just recently, the locals have started something of this sort. When it's not downright useless, it's a witch hunt. One Dominant, who I will admit acted like a jerk, ended up being accused of being a sexual predator by the police...it ended up all starting after his name was brought up on a "black list", of sorts.

Not only does it end up being a popularity contest, but it can and does lead to plain old crap. They abused the system...the police system, not to mention the system that they set up as a "safety net".

So, if anyone thinks this is a good idea, just remember all of the times you've acted like a jerk. Anyone can be accused of anything...and then all it takes is for the mob mentality to kick in.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 60

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