RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (Full Version)

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SteelofUtah -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 8:50:50 AM)

kirby 104,

Okay I am willing to calm just about any angry statement but what you are asking is that everyone take your side without you taking responsibility for the position you put yourself in.

I am DISGUSTED by people who use this lifestyle as a sexual kink outlet, but it is not my place to tell them how to live thier live ...WHY.... Because it isn't thier FU**ING place to tell  me how to live mine.

You got yourself involved in a relationship that you didn't know well enough before you get involved in it. I am SORRY that you were hurt but where is YOUR accountability.

You seem to want everyone to coddle you and pet your head and say "Awww, hush now, we understand, you did nothing wrong" I can't do that. You did something wrong. you ALLOWED yourself to be fooled by someone looking for a slap and tickle session with a bunch of people. How long were you in this relationship that you state you excaped with your sanity and the question is how long did you witness these indiscressions before you said "F**K you very much but I think I'll be going now.

We all know that there are some really messed up people in this lifestyle, But you KNEW that already and if you didn't consider yourself lucky that you found now and not 15 years from now. Losing Faith in people is bad but losing faith in the lifestyle is worse. You are dealing with INDIVIDUALS Not Groups. Each individual has the ability to shine or dull your existence BLAME THE PERSON Not the Kink.

As Always

Steel



Rover -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 9:08:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I am DISGUSTED by people who use this lifestyle as a sexual kink outlet,


I'm hoping that you may have misspoken here.  Sometimes we all open our mouths and something unintended drops out. 
 
As for the OP, you wanted someone to protect you from your bad choices in life.  I suspect that had someone shared their thoughts with you at the time, you'd have chosen to tell them where to stuff it. 
 
I wasn't around when you made those choices, but I am "here" as you continue to make bad choices (ie: bringing your story to a public venue, whining about it, and then whining when people did not react as you had hoped).  I would advise you to apologize to those nice folks who were giving you some good advice about personal responsibility.  I strongly suspect that you will decide to tell me where to stuff it (proving my earlier assumption). 
 
I generally do not offer advice to people I don't know, or feel I have no business advising.  But since you asked for it in the first instance, it seemed appropriate in this instance as well. 
 
John



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 9:10:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trinity46

It's not a question of caring.  Its a question of having the power to do anything about it.  Which of us would you like to follow you around and make sure you don't make any bad choices.  I personally can sympathize with your situation, I think we've all been there.  However, the "community" does not have the power to "make everybody be nice".  We each are responsible for our own choices, and hopefully we learn from the wrong ones.  Its part of being an adult.

Trinity


yep this says it best    but i do not like poly anyway i am a greedy sub me no share



SteelofUtah -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 9:19:03 AM)

Not Misspoken, just not completely explained.

I am Disgusted by those who say "Hey I'm gunna call myself a Master so that this girl will do whatever I say and I can have sex with her and make her have sex with my friends and that coke bottle and then after everything is done tell her to pack her sh*t and leave cause I'm done with her."

I understand that many people are involved in relationships where the sexual gratification is mutual and implied. These are not disgusting to me at all. I find USEING someone for a purpose without telling them what that purpose is disgusting. 

I have met MANY guys who are doing this because they think the idea of having someone do whatever they say and blow them whenever they want where ever they are is the REASON they go to munches and get online.

YES these people Disgust me. However as I have said in this thread I am not saying that they are Wrong, I just don't personally care for them and if someone gets HURT by one of them then I can only blame the PERSON who got involved because they gave themselves to someone they didn't spend enough time getting to know.

My Kink is Okay, your Kink is not okay, is not what I am saying. What I AM saying is that personally as a person I cannot respect anyone who uses or abuses the desires of another person for no other reason than they are being trusted to be something that in reality they are not.

This is an individual concept. I as an Individual don't care for that behaviour. I am offering my opinion on that behaviour. and yes it very much so does disgust me.

As Always

Steel

Edited to add : Sorry Rover I see what you ment now, LMAO the Kink Part was not intended to be overt like that. I can see where I was mistaken. I had to re read that 3 times before I saw what you were refering to.

It should perhaps be restated as

"I am Disgusted by those who abuse the sexual kinks of others as an Outlet for nothing more than thier own satisfaction regardless of the desires of those that they abuse"

It reads a LOT longer but is more direct

Thanks Rover



Lordandmaster -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 9:20:53 AM)

What's the frequency, Kenneth?



SteelofUtah -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 9:25:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

What's the frequency, Kenneth?


Damnit I spend a week waiting for that REM record to arrive from Amazon.com now.

When you said that I went right there and ordered it.

Curses! Curses!

As Always

Steel



Missokyst -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 10:00:53 AM)

Yeah baby!

quote:

ORIGINAL: trinity46

It's not a question of caring.  Its a question of having the power to do anything about it.  Which of us would you like to follow you around and make sure you don't make any bad choices.  I personally can sympathize with your situation, I think we've all been there.  However, the "community" does not have the power to "make everybody be nice".  We each are responsible for our own choices, and hopefully we learn from the wrong ones.  Its part of being an adult.

Trinity


If you are going to be doing this stuff you have to learn to take responsibility for your choices.  Why should it be up to any one else to make sure you aren't being lame.  Are you an adult?
There is no more, decency, morality, or caring in this activity we do, than any other lifestyle.  People are going to be people, and act as they will, whether they are dom, sub, nilla, or clown. 
You did not ask for caring sympathy.  You made a blanket statement and wanted pats for your pain.  Here you go "pat pat".
Now, I suggest your resign yourself that no one person or group has been assigned to watch over you and make sure you don't make dumb mistakes. 
We all make them.  If we are wise we take a lesson from that experience.
Kyst



subsfaith -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 12:11:24 PM)

I can relate to the OP.  I once had a relationship with a 'dom' who told me lie after lie.  I am no fool generally, but he gave me no reason not to believe him.  A skilled and practiced liar, who eventually fell flat on his face, I found out and I dumped his sorry arse.

But in relation to the 'community' stance,  I too have witnessed what the OP talks about.  Lies and deceit in order to wield control over a submissive, or just get a shag.  I have broken friendships with long standing friends because of such behaviour.  I see that if I allow such poor behaviour to continue I am condoning it and I will not condone it.  A liar is a liar and I choose not to have them in my life when it is within my control.

Faith

:: smiles ::



MistressPurpleFL -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 12:31:11 PM)

Dear Kirby:

We have all been burned in one way or another; yet we are all supposed to be adults and try to learn from our mistakes.  It is an unfortunate part of life to have people who live to deceive us whether we are dominant or submissive; in the lifestyle or vanilla. 

This is the reason why I am very particular about who I play with; who I allow into my life.  Jumping into something or being into someone JUST because they "say" they are a "dom, domme, sub or slave" is really not a good or safe idea. 

We all must do our research; yet I too am a bit frustrated with all the fake players around on both sides of the lifestyle but a treasure is somewhere waiting to be found and bound by me.

Kisses;
MP



kirby104 -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 1:05:03 PM)

I never asked to be coddled. I didn't ASK  for anything.

I put myself into the position to be used. I did not claim to be innocent!

I have found more scum in the "lifestyle" than anywhere else.

There is a common agreement that I am immature. Maybe so because I cannot heal in the current state of chaos.

I was assaulted in my own home, yet I am unable to get legal recourse. I removed my collar for my well-being. I made a promise to another; I honored my promise. We are now together!

I apologize my writings are difficult.



chellekitty -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 3:44:41 PM)

you didn't ASK for anything!! yet you expect a whole bunch of stuff!! theres a problem with this train of thought....probably that its not following any track....

you did not find more scum in the lifestyle than anywhere else because there is more scum in this lifestyle than anywhere else, you found more scum in this lifestyle than anywhere else because you put yourself in the postion to be used because you thought that some how the title "Domintnant" made them some how a better person without haveing to use your head....use your head, thats the lump three feet above your ass...

why can't you get legal recourse, if you were assaulted?



RosesHaveThorns -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 4:04:29 PM)

1) What community? Age range? Geographical location? Class range? Outside interests? Cultural background? Poly? BDSM? Swingers?
2) How can the community enforce this? Are we going to have elections now? Maybe set up a Alternative Sexuality Congress that makes up the rules? We're just a bunch of people with similar interests. We can give support, but we cannot enforce as we have no authority.
3) How much experience did you have with said community and people?

Yes, it sucks that it happened to you. However, realize that the "community" is not a good word to use right now. What do you want me to do about some people in Florida? E-mail them and tell them that they are bad people? Or did you mean the poly/BDSM community as a whole, which emcompasses a wide range of people who don't always communicate with each other? Does this mean that people in California are to blame for this? What did we ever do to you?

As for protect the wounded...I think you need some time with some friends. I'm not exactly sure what you want from me. Put on the ol' war paint or something? Who is to judge who is right and wrong after each break up? I certainly don't volunteer to do it. At most, we can offer support, but that's it. We cannot police nor avenge.

And how much experience did you have? A few relationships? Everywhere and anyone has their bad apples. You might have just fallen for those first.



LadyHugs -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 4:53:35 PM)

Dear kirby104, Ladies and Gentlemen,
 
In regard to an 'assault' in your own home, and unable to gain legal remedies--it is often the case in other crimes as well--not just in the BDSM and or S&M culture.
 
I am of the belief while this is still a festering issue, is that there is no closure and without it, its hard to move on as business isn't finished in the matter of this past horrible experience.
 
There is also a point I wish to add upon, and that is of having anybody come to one's home unless there has been a long and tested relationship with someone.  Home is safety and your sense of grounding, security and peace as well as control.  Once robbed of such, you really cannot feel at peace or feel as safe anymore.  It has been violated and no matter if it is a burglary from a stranger or an assault by someone thought to be safe and or could be trusted--it really is no full recovery of the trust factor forever.  You will always have a percentage of doubt, fear, suspicious feelings and jump to negative associations when it might be coincidental and or otherwise.  But, as with all things--it is the intent of others which makes the act evil or good.  When someone has been exposed to such behavior--you can choose to be a victim and let the incident and or the people who wronged you have the power to change the way you live or--you can choose to find a new way to adjust and to start differently.  Perhaps a professional and kink friendly mental health person will help you find a roadmap out from the vice grip of anger, frustration, lack of needed and wanted closure and tools to turn lemons into lemon aid.  You will never be 100% like before.  Perhaps you can understand others that have been through their own similar 'hells.'  This might be an opportunity to be a good spokesperson at some presentations on poly relationship workshops/discussion groups.  I'm sure others would be extremely grateful to know remedies as much as sound advice from an individual who can offer experiences first hand.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 



Invictus754 -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 5:07:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104
The lifestyle states "Safe, Sane, and Consensual"; yet it fails to protect the wounded.


The Lifestyle says nothing of the sort. 
 
Some kinksters profess "safe, sane and consensual" is the only way of BDSM,  but others use "risk aware consensual kink" (RACK) and others who don't need a slogan to rally around just use common sense.



Invictus754 -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 5:10:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith

But in relation to the 'community' stance,  I too have witnessed what the OP talks about.  Lies and deceit in order to wield control over a submissive, or just get a shag.  I have broken friendships with long standing friends because of such behaviour. 


How does this differ from vanilla?  It is not the community that does this, it is just sorry individuals who happen to profess to be in the community. 



iammachine -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 9:47:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

Ahhhh.......I actually wanted to believe that most people had integrity.


Reconciling what you want to believe with reality is a bit of an artform, I've found. I would like to believe that everyone holds themselves to the same standards of honor as I do. In reality, I can't possibly expect anyone (much less everyone) to uphold the same standards that I would like to expect.

Life's a bitch like that.

quote:

I expected some people to care. As I learned no one gives a flip.


Pity party! Table for one!

What are you looking for here? Are you looking for a pat on the back and a "poor baby"? Are you looking for a community of people to give a call to arms and go on a crusade to protect all the poor, innocent victims from the bad bad people and their own decisions?

quote:

I cannot heal in the current state of chaos.


Then stop being a victim and become an active participant by assuming responsibility in your own life. No one can "make you better", the only healing that can or will be done is yours to be accountable for.

If your life is chaotic, stop, think about what's causing the chaos, and do something about it.

quote:

I removed my collar for my well-being. I made a promise to another; I honored my promise. We are now together!


So you hopped out of one collar into another, without dealing with the original fallout.

There's a lot I could say about that, but I'll leave it at "it's your life" and you are free to make your own decisions.... regardless of how wise they may or may not be.





Kana -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 9:59:40 PM)

Eyes wide shut



kc692 -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/23/2007 11:18:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

Polyamory should consist of honest communication and respect; not deceitfulness and abuse. Life is difficult without making it more chaotic.

The lifestyle states "Safe, Sane, and Consensual"; yet it fails to protect the wounded.

I found myself in an abusive situation where  the "Domme" played me under the guise of a polyamory relationship. Needless to say, I escaped with my sanity.

I am now in a true loving and respectable poly relationship.
I am sure that there are honest people because I actually found some.

In my experience, the community "buries its head." I have lost trust. Am I alone?





OK, Am I the ONLY one who noticed this.......you are listed as dominant, are you not?  And another dominant did you wrong??????????  I am confused,,,,,big time!



kirby104 -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/24/2007 12:43:46 AM)

Now my orientation is being questioned!



SweetDommes -> RE: A local “Domme” has confused polyamory with promiscuity. (10/24/2007 3:25:27 AM)

No, your story overall is being questioned.  There are too many stretches and inconsistancies in it. 



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