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Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 12:50:36 AM

Alecto

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/20/2007
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I'm curious to know if any of my fellow Mistresses have ever fallen in love with one of her submissives or slaves. If so, how did it affect your relationship (both in and out of the bedroom)? Did you ever engage in "vanilla" sexual activity with the person as a result?
Also, how did being in love with your sub/slave affect your other sub/slave relationships (assuming you had more than one at the time) or vanilla relationship (e.g., with a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse/partner), if you had one at the time?
Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time? How did you handle it?
And lastly, how did it end (assuming it did)?

I'd be interested to hear responses to the above questions from any subs/slaves, also. Have you ever fallen in love with your Mistress?, etc.

I'm wondering if there's any (conscious or unconscious) relationship between being in love and the desire to engage in more "vanilla" activities, both inside and outside the bedroom. A Mistress friend of mine once had a male sub who fell in love with her (and she with him) and although they continued their Mistress/sub activities, the relationship broadened to include more "traditional," vanilla sex (for example, sometimes they had vanilla sex and sometimes they engaged in dominant/submissive sexual play).

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Post #: 1

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 1:36:38 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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Most of my BDSM relationships or interactions were in a broader social context--in addition to the BDSM dynamic, there was a friendship or traditonal romance component to it. To have BDSM in a broader social context is common enough.

In my opinion, falling in love softens the D/s dynamic. While the rawness of the dynamic may lessen, I think the new sum (comparatively lesser D/s but greater romance) usually still allows things to work.

When one falls in love with another, a common want is to have the other love and express this love in return. With love come expectations one can have with whom one has reciprocal love. So falling in love and mutual love can affect wants and expectations.

It is possible for two people to mutually feel BDSM chemistry but not mutually feel love chemistry. Thus, it can become an issue for the relationship if one person begins to feel romantic love chemistry and the other does not.

There are different types of love. One can still love a D/s partner and not engage in vanilla romance but other vanilla activities. Or one can love a D/s partner within the D/s dynamic itself. It is possible to simultaneously love two people. I think principles of polyamory best address that question.

Most people have D/s wants as well as general relationship (vanilla romance, companionship) wants. As one begins to see a D/s partner to be a good match for general relationship wants, the types of activities wanted and done adjust accordingly.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Alecto)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 2:24:24 AM

Zaraseeks

Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline

Well I guess I have a unique perspective to add. I was friends with my Mistress first (in a non BDSM setting) well I should say ex Mistress, Wwe grew to be lovers, though from the begining Oour roles were very appaernt (plus I was MUCH younger, too young) So after Wwe became lovers Wwe worked out the power exchange, and as Wwe fell in love it strengthend my desire to submit yet made it much harder for Her to crack down on me and put me in my "place" which is what I indeed craved. Oour sex lives though were never altered, Wwe both were very kinky, and extream kink could be very emotional as well for Uus, OK WAY too tired for this, I will get back to it after some well deserved sleep *winks* But I would like to ask, why do You ask Maam?

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 3

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 3:18:52 AM

Dragynsfury

Posts: 79
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Blah. Not only did MARRIAGE soften the dynamic but we had to face a huge legal crisis and it killed the D/s all together as my partner retreated into himself. I became too vanilla for my own comfort until it was over. However, I think this is just how it is for female dominants. Seems different for male dominants. Or maybe is just my own lousy experience.

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Post #: 4

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 4:54:07 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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My sub and I started out as vanilla. We knew of each others kinkiness factor, he was a Master and I was a Mistress without a submissive/slave at the time. He isn't a Master anymore having embraced his submissive side and he now belongs to me. Our relationship has changed over time it has grown kinkier but it still has its vanilla points. It works well for us and being in love makes us feel a deeper level of committment.

Now with that said being in love with my sub does make it more difficult at times to discipline him. I tend to give him more leeway then I would one of my past subs. I am also more emotional with him which makes me angry at myself because I much prefer being logical without all the emotions running amok. We do lots of vanilla things together and even engage in vanilla sex.

The reason? He is not "just" my sub but he is my lover, best friend, confidant, my everything.

He is the only submissive that I own and I am not sure I could handle more than that. I have thought that I would enjoy taking on a female submissive as well, but to date that just hasn't worked out. Who knows what the future could hold.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Alecto)

Post #: 5

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 5:32:26 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
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Yes, have fallen head over heels in love with 3 or 4 absolutely gorgeous submissives

No, it didn't really change the relationship because I fall in love quite quickly if a submissive is sexy, smart and fun to play with

We had great sex if we were in love. I suspect vanillas in love have great sex too. Maybe it was vanilla if I wanted a quickie before rushing off to work and couldn't be bothered pulling out the rope, handcuffs and needles????? I would love to meet a D/s couple that never has a bit of quick and dirty vanilla sex - how do you find the time?

Yes it definitely affected my other relationships. Being really in love makes me want to be monogamous. I left my husband for my first submissive (but that was a looong time and a fair few submissives ago........back in 1998)

I have had subs fall in love with me when I felt nothing romantic for them. It was awful.   Miserable subs languishing from unrequited love is not an attractive look around the dungeon.

I really have not enjoyed D/s relationships as much over the years with men I don't love. I just don't crave kink and control in the same way.  BDSM really turns me on but I don't bonk people I don't love (icky), so BDSM without love is sexually frustrating and a bit empty for me.

Yes I have loved submissives and it has ended after a year or 2. Usually due to really a major difference in life goals (eg I wanted children and he didn't or I wanted to get married and he didn't ie the same biggies that end vanilla relationships too)

Yes I love my current submissive, we live together and are having a baby. Do we act vanilla sometimes? Sure. Like when we have dinner with his Mum and Dad tomorrow night. Butter wouldn't melt in this Mistress' mouth, believe me!!!

Are we "turning into vanillas" because sometimes we are so busy that we don't find time for bondage for two whole weeks? Or I have morning sickness that lasts all day so we can't "play"? I don't think so :)   I am still his dominant even when I am not in the mood to dominate him.

But hey, D/s is a state of mind. Faling in love might make someone else feel vanilla. How you feel is how you choose to feel.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 10/23/2007 5:38:12 AM >

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(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 6

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 5:57:08 AM

MsWorthy

Posts: 31
Joined: 9/28/2007
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In my opinion, romantic love certainly impacts the bdsm dynamic in a relationship. Once we fall in love, that social conditioning we've all been spoon-fed tells us - more loudly than ever - how we are 'supposed' to act in relationships. We are 'supposed' to be fair. Everyone's opinion 'must' be weighted equally. We can not be 'selfish,' especially sexually. And, most importantly, if we love someone we 'must not' hurt them - in any way.

We all deal with this voice to some degree or another all the time (YMMV), but its dogma gains volume and power as we fall in love. This will impact a power exchange, especially if your relationship involves s/m. Since much of the thrill of sexual sadism is derived from doing something to someone she/he doesn't particularly like (or inducing outright pain), I don't see how falling in love would NOT affect this dynamic.

If you are one of those people who is rarely bothered by this dogmatic, egalitarian-preaching voice, then falling in love won't present too much of an issue in your relationship. But if you are like me - and I suspect it's the same for many female dominants - love will change the power dynamic in your relationship over time.

*This may explain why so many bdsm relationships, even those identified as monogamous, open to welcome one or more others. The strong desire for bdsm doesn't go away just because the primary love relationship is accepted in its changed form.

(in reply to Dragynsfury)

Post #: 7

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 6:04:54 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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I am in love with two men -- my husband and my slave. It is not the exact same feelings, I don't frankly think that it is possible to love different people the exact same way.

I love Fox, that developed during training. Because our foundation is Ds though frankly all that the love has done is encourage us to take things deeper and more intensely. However since we all now live together most of our days are fairly mundane looking but the Ds is still there.

Some of the SM I do is edgy* that I would not be comfortable doing it with someone that I did not love. That love reassures me that I will be as safe as possible.

I think that people who experience love then notice that their Ds and SM decreases might not be fully comfortable with BDSM so unconsciously loving someone causes a conflict. I only had that problem for a few months when I started therapy years ago to deal with my childhood abuse but I had a great therapist who drilled into me that what I do and what a child rapist does are vastly different things.

*edgy for me means that there is a risk of death when I do the activity and I consider our breath play to fall into that category as well as some of the bondage we do

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Alecto)

Post #: 8

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 6:50:06 AM

MistressFaye1

Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
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Wow... It seems as if when there is something I'm going through, I find a forum somewhere on the site that discusses it.

I've been talking to a prospect and I've spent more time getting to know him more than any others before we actually meet. So far things are going well and we've talked about everything under the sun. One comment he made had me retracting my vanilla thoughts towards him. He told me about a "Domme" who on his first visit began to make out with him in a quite vanilla way and that was a total turn-off for him. He said it seemed as if she, "wanted a boyfriend more than a submissive." He worried that it would change the structure of the D/s dynamic.

Because of this new feeling for me (vanilla feelings/thoughts with a potential) it made me realize that I want my cake and get to eat it too. When I had to put myself on hold per se as I was raising my daughters, I made feeble attempts at vanilla relationships and they were lacking. I decided that I wasn't going to settle for the sake of being in a relationship.

I couldn't be myself because most vanillas don't understand. If I felt comfortable enough to discuss domination and who I am, one of two things happened, the vanilla thought it was his ticket to kinky sex or it was the end because I was a "freak".

Reading these posts gives me a warm and fuzzy and a bigger drive to have my cake and eat it too. That is not to say I will feel less for my submissives that are not capable of 'loving' their Mistress in a 'vanilla" way. Gee... I hate the lables that define for understanding of the situation but I do understand the need to use them.

Mistress Faye

< Message edited by MistressFaye1 -- 10/23/2007 6:56:18 AM >

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 9

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 7:10:41 AM

Goddess20

Posts: 73
Joined: 7/12/2007
From: Birmingham, England
Status: offline

I once started to like one of my clients so I stopped seeing him as a client.

After starting to like him I wanted (so badly) to have sex with him but I couldn't do that. But I told him I couldn't see him anymore, told him the reason why and we decided to go out for a drink a few times but it was just wrong. He wanted to be humilated in public, he wanted me to go to his work and scream at him, after the 2nd date he wanted to move in and be my full time sex slave and thats just not for me.

Im purely a Pro Domme so when it comes to me having a relationship its mostly vanilla, but Im still the one wearin the trousers, but this guy is 24/7 lifestyle so it would never have worked.

(in reply to MistressFaye1)

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RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 7:43:11 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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I'm married to the man I dominate on a regular basis, and I can honestly say we share that deep, sloppy, soul mate kind of connection as well as live together and so we share the full range of experiences - including mundane, but often outrageous, depending on my energy levels. I've had plenty of non-intimate Mistress/slave relationships that were incredibly intense, I've had my share of deeply affectionate relationships where BDSM played a role. I think they are all different, but being in a deeply loving relationship with the man who is also your slave can bring a higher level of understanding, intimacy, and fluid pace. Best of all, he knows me to the core; he knows me so well that there are times he can predict my needs, anticipate my behavior, and succumb to urges I have before I have fully even had a chance to articulate them.

The balance between "vanilla life" and "kinky life" isn't that difficult for me. We have plenty of vanilla sex. Sometimes we just make love. Othertimes, it's raw and cruel and is purely for me and my urges. The undercurrent of femdom kink exists day to day in our lives, but the real thread that holds our relationship together is the romance and deep love. The intensity level of the BDSM part of our relationship ebbs and flows entirely based on my moods and needs and he molds himself to that. Knowing each other as well as we do, we don't have to overthink it, it just happens. He can tell by the look in my eyes or the tone of my voice if I am "going there" and he goes there with me, and there's not much talk about how, or how long it will last, or what. Sometimes I do anticipate in advance that I have special needs, ie, "This weekend, I am really going to have to scratch this itch. So don't make any plans, and get some rest...because you are going to need it."

Another analogy might be that of a water faucet, with the water being my femdom energy/urges/desire and how strong they are. The faucet is never turned off. It's always a light steady stream. Other times, though, it's on full blast, and in those times, we're pretty much engaged in balls-out kink. Sometimes it's for a few hours, sometimes it's a couple of days. It's never shut off completely though.

Akasha

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(in reply to Alecto)

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RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 10:22:15 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I was in love with a slave once. How many ways can I spell DISASTER? Of course, there were other factors at work in the disaster, but let's just look at the bdsm piece.

I am all dominant, all the time. However, that could mean that I am hanging on the couch watching BBCAmerica while the sub is off getting my car washed. Or maybe I am knitting. Regardless, life is not a scene 100% of the time. Dishes have to be washed, birdcages cleaned, etc. That became an issue, and I had to start being a manager.

The sex became incredibly bad. As we got closer, I somehow became more idealized (did this happen to preserve the dynamic?) and we became more emotionally bonded but less intimate. Not pretty, and not satisfying for me at all.

I see successful couples with happy marriages, who continue to play and have a leather lifestyle, and I wonder what I did wrong besides make the wrong choice of mate. I keep coming back to the notion that for me, romance and bdsm are not a mix.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 12

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 10:47:24 AM

MsIncontrol

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline

I, too, am married to my subsmissive. I think the marital commitment only made our D/s bond more strong. Not only was he my collared submissive, I now have a legal contract bonding his life to mine (I really own him). We were together for more than 7 years before we got married and had a very strong bond also.

While there are times in our day to day lives that we are not in B/D or S/M mode (dinner with the family, block party etc.) but D/s is ALWAYS there. All of my vanilla girlfriends, family members just see him as a very devoted and very thoughtful husband and envy me for it. I am not bending him over the dining table and spanking him in front of our friends if he spills red wine at a party.

He will tell you that sometimes it is harder to be submissive to me when I am wearing sweats and fuzzy slippers....he will also tell you that he feels most submissive when I am sick or emotional because it takes a lot more for him to give to me unconditionally at those times.

Our marriage is very strong, we never had a single fight. We have a lot of mutual respect, admiration and are equally comfortable in our roles as both husband and wife and Mistress/submissive. The bottom line is this: he enjoys giving me his control and I enjoy being in control. I make all the decisions for our household finances, vacations, social schedule, what color car we buy etc. If there is something he feels strongly about or knows more about (car repairs) I give him authority to handle these matters.

My husband is a gorgeous, strong, manly man. Not a wimp or a push-over. He is successful, smart and savvy in business and life. He chooses to give up his power to me and I have gladly accepted it. I think we both feel as though we have won the lottery with each other.

We incorporate a lot of D/s in our every day relationship. Although there are things I do that may be seen as Domme to some. For example, I love to cook and clean. I could afford a house keeper, I could have a service submissive come and clean...but I like to do it. I like it the way I want it. I am not currently working so I have a little more time on my hand to do some things that my submissive would normally be responsible for (keeping the dungeon in order and sanitized) but I don't mind as long as he shows me adoration and appreciation for giving him a break.

However, we rarely, if ever, have purely vanilla sex (maybe a quickie in the shower) because we just would rather take a couple of minutes to put a little kink into it. There is always an element of D/s (he has to ask permission before he can orgasm) or makes sure I am purely satisfied first.

I know this went on and on and if you are still with me. I think a true D/s relationship can work being in love...I am living proof. Don't settle for less if this is what you want. I have a lot of scene friends who are either in vanilla marriages and miserable or gave up on the idea of marriage because of D/s...and are missing that love element.

_____________________________

Happiness is only real when shared. - Christopher McCandless

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Post #: 13

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 11:36:53 AM

stockingluvr54

Posts: 673
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncontrol

I think a true D/s relationship can work being in love...I am living proof. Don't settle for less if this is what you want.

Thanks.... it was good to hear that!

(in reply to MsIncontrol)

Post #: 14

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 1:58:20 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

MsInControl, you've given me hope. :) And envy!

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RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 2:26:11 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Love used to make me submissive.
I hated it.
Then I realised that I could be in love and still be the dominant me.
It's just a different way of loving just as BDSM is.
Can't imagine having sex with a sub/slave without BDSM but who knows.
Giving pain works better for me if the sub is enjoying it. If that means I'm not a sadist then ok terms never really bother me that much.
I can have BDSM sex without being in love but it's a whole lot better if I am. I just don't engage in BDSM with anyone if I am not in a sexual relationship with them.

(in reply to stockingluvr54)

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RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 3:59:30 PM

Samwhiplash

Posts: 191
Joined: 10/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

In my opinion, falling in love softens the D/s dynamic. While the rawness of the dynamic may lessen, I think the new sum (comparatively lesser D/s but greater romance) usually still allows things to work.

Have to agree. Have been involved with a wonderful man (sub) for the last 6 months and am crazy about him, but Im finding as our vanilla relationship blossoms (and Im loving that it is blossoming so beautifully)... that the D/s aspect of our relationship seems lessened - or less attended to... and I NEED it. For me, it has to encompass everything it did at the start, and grow from that.

Its a difficult thing to balance.

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 17

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/23/2007 6:23:25 PM

goddessblaze

Posts: 34
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline

Heart Break, is what I felt when my sub voiced his opinion on the type of women he is really attrached to...it was under 5 foot, under 100lbs, pale skin with red hair!!! HELLO, have you looked at your DOMME? I am tall, thick and have dark hair. what a crushing blow. We are still together and there are times when we lay in bed and he will wrap is arms around me and brush the hair out of my face, kiss me. I want to move closer to him, I want him to know me in a vanilla light. The friend I am, the mother I am, the nurse I am. But then I slap myself and remember I am his Domme, not his girlfriend. I softly smile at him and request a foot rub with peppermint lotion. I fall asleep, only to wake up to him laying at my feet. Damn.... I have fallin in love with my Sub...

(in reply to Samwhiplash)

Post #: 18

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/24/2007 5:58:33 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

In my opinion, falling in love softens the D/s dynamic. While the rawness of the dynamic may lessen, I think the new sum (comparatively lesser D/s but greater romance) usually still allows things to work.

Actually I have found the opposite: the D/s dynamic becomes much more intense as you bond emotionally with someone. Trust between partners is higher and so is intimacy.

For example, I am a far crueller Mistress to masochists I love than strangers or casual play partners. I make the time and effort to learn the desires, the bodies and the limits of those I love. I care about the BDSM needs of those I love much more. I am prepared to reveal more of myself as a Dominant to a love partner than a casual one

My goal is to be a loving Dominant in a loving D/s relationship. If I was a Dom, not a Domme, that would be obvious

So why do some women have difficulty reconciling being loving with being dominant? Surely if your submissive craves domination, they are the same thing?

Domination is an expression of love. If you don't enjoy domination (and submission) as expressions of love (albeit very alternative love) then what is your D/s relationship(s) for?

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 19

RE: Dominant and in love? What's the impact? - 10/24/2007 6:03:15 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

In my opinion, falling in love softens the D/s dynamic. While the rawness of the dynamic may lessen, I think the new sum (comparatively lesser D/s but greater romance) usually still allows things to work.

Actually I have found the opposite: the D/s dynamic becomes much more intense as you bond emotionally with someone. Trust between partners is higher and so is intimacy.

For example, I am a far crueller Mistress to masochists I love than strangers or casual play partners. I make the time and effort to learn the desires, the bodies and the limits of those I love. I care about the BDSM needs of those I love much more. I am prepared to reveal more of myself as a Dominant to a love partner than a casual one

My goal is to be a loving Dominant in a loving D/s relationship. If I was a Dom, not a Domme, that would be obvious

So why do some women have difficulty reconciling being loving with being dominant? Surely if your submissive craves domination, they are the same thing?

Domination is an expression of love. If you don't enjoy domination (and submission) as expressions of love (albeit very alternative love) then what is your D/s relationship(s) for?

As I said before, there are do many edgy things that I can do with Fox because we love each other that I would never do with another sub or bottom but then again for me part of owning someone is loving them.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 20

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