Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 2:04:52 AM   
zaynab


Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Friends,
I can give you the perspective of a woman who was in a 12 year abusive relationship.

Even a marriage/relationship that has abuse involved, usually has periods of time where the abuser treats the victim very nice. (That's how they hooked the victim in the first place). The off and on again abuse, keeps the victim constantly questioning her 'read' on the situation.

Many times, there are children involved, so the victim may be suffering (the children too) but the victim keeps weighing out the good and bad overall, to determine if the abuse outweighs the good times. The victim may frequently think..."This does have to stop, but should I throw out the 'baby' (abuser) with the bathwater?"

When she shares what is going on with those closest to her, she frequently hears...
"Abusive? Jimmy?!! He is just not that type of man!!"
So again, she questions what is really going on.

She may also be dissociative or in denial. Or, as the abuser is most likely playing 'head games' with her through all of this... she may not have confidence in herself anymore.

She may be a sensitive person, or a shy one, a dependant-type, a sub, immature, scared, etc.

She may be so in love with the abuser, or have extremely high hopes that she can still have a happy family if she can only figure out the "correct" way to get him to stop being abusive...

She may have fear of the unkown future if she dumps him, might be afraid he will come after her and kill her, might be afraid she will be homeless with her children...

Oh, and let's not forget one of the biggies...

she may be terrified that this abuser will have overnight or weekend visitation, or worse yet, full custody of little suzie or little johnny.........

the abuser and the kids alone.....

for the weekend.....

backed up by the court system.....



A woman may want to get out, but may not be able to for any of the reasons above...

they aren't faking it, they just can't do it.....

YOU (the one trying to help) "COULD" do it, but you are not her....

just thought I'd throw this on here just for the hell of it.

< Message edited by zaynab -- 8/8/2005 2:13:53 AM >

_____________________________

zaynab[DM]
quote:

i used to care... but now i take a pill for that

(in reply to Fidelity)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 6:11:28 AM   
MemphisDsCouple


Posts: 146
Joined: 11/1/2004
From: Memphis, TN, USA
Status: offline 		I gotta say that, a couple of early posts notwithstanding, this is the most civil thread in my memory on the topic of "Abuse".

I see different perspectives and I see people seriously, calmly and thoughtfully considering and responding to these perspectives.

That's pretty damn good.

_____________________________

B. (the male half of MemphisDsCouple)

(in reply to MemphisDsCouple)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 4:05:59 PM   
mossy


Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I gotta say that, a couple of early posts notwithstanding, this is the most civil thread in my memory on the topic of "Abuse".
I see different perspectives and I see people seriously, calmly and thoughtfully considering and responding to these perspectives.
That's pretty damn good.


Yes i Do see what You mean and i just realized something myself about Your thread and the feelings it brought up for me,,,,upon first reading it i was immediately offended!!!
Then i read the responses.... giving me time to calm down. After having time to think,,,i don't know whether You will be able to follow me on this, but,,,it wasn't Your words,,,i was reading,,,it felt as if it was coming from the people that harmed me. Saying "see they don't believe you either" "see you are taking strength away from the truly battered"
"see you are wrong I told you,,and you are the bad one after all for making these awful accusations"
Then at the end now,,,,i am able to come full circle and see how my mind wants to constantly deny the damage, the ones who did it. i slip back into denial on and off.

In Effect this message is Not being Focused at People w/ Real abuse issues
be it mental, physical, emotional. is this correct?

_____________________________

~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

(in reply to MemphisDsCouple)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 7:56:48 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline
quote:

I respectfully disagree.

If a man or woman is being abused - and I don't mean of the drama king/queen whining variety that is really being inconvienced and wants attention - that person is living in fear. Reason and fear don't always mix.

It's easy to makes suggestions for someone else. And that person may even agree with the actions. However, when fear takes over, those actions may not occur.
Is the person any less abused because they were afraid to act?
I don't think so.


This is something i will touch on, as its something i never understood. When i was a younger teenager, i used to wonder, why would abused women stay in the situations? Said, i would never end up there, "if any man does that to me, i'll get my big brothers to beat him or my Dad" My very own words. Cept, it didnt work like that.

We STAY for a variety of reasons. Fear is one. To this very day, i sometimes worry about it, but knowing he has an arrest warrent out in florida for him.. i feel safer. But not much. i was always scared he'd hunt me down. When i'd try to cut contact, i lived in fear in my house of him and his friends coming to my door.

The other thing was, i saw the good too. And the confusion. Mainly i think it was the confusion. i didnt know if i was right or wrong. Was he really evil, or just seriously mislead? i'd talk to him about it. He even agreed he had issues.. ect ect. He screwed up my perception, taught me to doubt myself, and on top of that, the main thing he did that made it so much more confusing

i was always wrong. i was evil. MY screwed up thinking. "see how you think" "thats why you havent any friends" (which truth be told, i HAD friends till i met him) It was always ME. i was wrong i was bad, i was terrible. And he was this wondeful person. They get in your head, and twist what you see around. AND nobody around you that see's it will speak up because THEY are afraid. You care about these ppl, you learn to trust them, and its a very slow process. Slowly twisting it, so you dont realise. Its god damn hard. AND then on top of that, when you try and "leave" they play these little emotional games, they use the things that they have found to affect you, to affect you to stay.

Wanna know why i dont really worry anymore? Because he is working on a good friend of mine. i know he's going after her next. And damned be if i havent warned her, told her my story, damned be if i havent stuck my neck out to save her from her own mother. DAMNED BE. You know how he's taking her? By slowly discounting all i've said, by simply being the excat opposite of what i've told her. 5 years, he's taking his time. Just recently found out that she let him STAY with her for a couple of months. THIS GIRL, that i have done everything in my power to help, now believes and takes the word of a man who does the things he does over me. All i can do now, is as i did to. Tell her, that when and if she needs help, she knows my email. But i cant talk to her anymore.

People who are like this.. the best and most deadly are the ones that no one knows about. This man, only a handful of ppl truly know. Thats me, and the guys he grew up with. and the woman who has a restraining order against him.

http://www.geocities.com/majikspell1/

seems pretty normal..... and if you look deeper a really cool guy.

(in reply to Rubyb)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 7:58:54 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline
quote:

Well, lemme add this. Perhaps not as true for men..but for women. No matter what your education, employment, prior experience, etc, NO WOMAN is immune from abuse. If yr a bit more difficult to "capture" all it means is that it takes a bit more sophisticated man to do it...who do you think was abusing the professional women i represented?

pinkpleasures



very well said very well.. and it seems no one knows this.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 8:01:01 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		you said that so much better then i could Zaynab. Well done

(in reply to zaynab)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 8:12:43 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		One aspect on this, which is saddening, is the “Battered Wife Syndrome”. Even when you have helped some abused people out of a bad relationship and they look like they are recovering, what do they do? They head right into another relationship with the same type of partner. I’m sure there is a masochistic trait in them. In many cases they wont listen and go back to the one who was abusing them. Of course there are those who hear about an abuser and something seems to spark so they head towards trouble with some one they know is dangerous. Must be the thought of being with an “exciting” partner and of course the sure knowledge that they wont let anything happen, they are too strong and will be able to get out when things get rough. Hah! My views are quite simple. None of us have the legal right to stop them so I make sure they have my contact number and email address so they can contact me if they are in need.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/8/2005 11:10:01 PM   
Rubyb


Posts: 73
Joined: 6/27/2005
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

You care about these ppl, you learn to trust them, and its a very slow process. Slowly twisting it, so you dont realise. Its god damn hard. AND then on top of that, when you try and "leave" they play these little emotional games, they use the things that they have found to affect you, to affect you to stay.

...

People who are like this.. the best and most deadly are the ones that no one knows about. This man, only a handful of ppl truly know. Thats me, and the guys he grew up with. and the woman who has a restraining order against him.


Well said. I can't tell you how many friends over the years who have been through the ringer, doubting themselves, thinking, "it must be ME, my fault". When in reality, there was nothing they could do to please their partner, satisfy them, etc. The mind games suck almost as much as the people around telling you what a wonderful person your partner is and that you must have "not understood, misinterpreted their actions" or "they were just having a bad day"....whatever. The enabling and co-dependency lived out for whatever reason is a rat hole that is difficult to escape.

Zaynab,

I think everyone trying to understand this type of relationship should read your post, at least twice. Deciding to leave can be difficult when the ramifications of leaving can seem more devistating than staying.

All,

I often wonder how many people have stayed in an abusive relationship just long enough to ensure the kids have moved out of the house and can take care of themselves.

To me, the scariest part is knowing that so many people won't believe the abused party and the abuser will come off smelling like a rose.

Rubyb

PS

Here's a link to another great quiz. This one helps by letting you qualify degrees of never, rarely, sometimes and frequently.

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/abusequiz.shtml




(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/10/2005 3:20:17 AM   
zaynab


Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		If you are a person in an abusive relationship, take some time to learn about psychopaths. You will be surprised at what you find out. Most people think a psychopath is a person with a big knife getting ready to ax you while you are taking a shower (the movie "psycho", or whatever it was called). Not necessarily.

A psychopath is a person who does not have a conscience (layman's description perhaps).

When reading about psychopaths, know that many of them learn how to mimic a person with a conscience, usually while they are growing up. They notice that people look at them strangely when a dog gets smashed by a car and they are laughing, while everyone else is shocked or crying... so after that, they copy the shock expression and tears, so they will "fit in" with others. Too much info about this to explain it further in a post, but learning about it on the net and in books is very interesting.

If you suspect you are living with a psychopath, please seek help fast (psychologist for yourself) and be as cautious as you can. There are websites out there with great advice on how to escape from a psychopath, if you are living with one.

The safest way to escape from a relationship with a psychopath is to make a careful, detailed plan. It's all about mind games, so concentrate on that when you make your plan. Safety, safety, safety has to be the #1 rule of your escape plan.

Here's a few things I remember from the escape plan I remember:
~ do not let your psychopath be aware that you are planning the escape.
~ try to get money set aside secretly but have a back up story in case the psychopath finds out about the money.
~ make copies of any and all records you need to take with you (legal, medical, financial, etc.) and store them at a safe person's house, hidden as the psychpath may find them there)
~ make several copies of all keys that go to everything, hide one set outside the house and give another set to a safe person to hold for you.
~ get your kids fingerprints recorded somewhere, and take pictures of your kids at least once a month (if you can't escape for a long time) and give the pictures to a safe person to hold, date the backs of them and put your child's full name, SS#, birthdate, etc. also.
~ keep a diary of facts of what is going on, include outside witnesses to events, etc. with their phone numbers by their names when mentioned, etc. DO NOT keep this diary in the same house that you live in.
~ learn about "mind games" and "hooks" and how to stop the games. Best way is just to say "Oh". No matter what is said or asked by the psychopath, just say "oh", "oh?" or "Ohhhh!"
~ If bruised, have a safe person take a photo of the bruise, date the back, put their name on the back with their phone number and hide the photo in a safe place NOT in your house.... probably with the safe person.
~ tell your psychopath you are going to therapy for depression (that would not be lying) and tell your therapist what is going on, facts first always... so there is a record of what is happening.
~ get regular doctor exams and be honest about how you were physically damaged.

*sighhh... there's so much MORE info about how to deal with or escape from a psychopath... tons of it.... psychopaths are not rare... people just think they are.
There's a great messageboard on msn groups for support, forget the addy. Also a lot of good books to read, one of them being "stop walking on eggshells". Good Luck for anyone who is in a situation with a person like this. ~ zay

_____________________________

zaynab[DM]
quote:

i used to care... but now i take a pill for that

(in reply to zaynab)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/10/2005 3:25:28 AM   
DomButNotForgotn


Posts: 108
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		False accusations of abuse are very sad. They demean the actual abuse and suffering may battered women go through.

The false memory thing is so twisted. In the 1980's, when day care children claimed they were made to watch kittens disembowled & were molested (Boston area), the psychological outfall continues to this day. The root cause was botched interviews with very young children by well meaning but incompetent counselors. Now those kids are grown up, and they still believe they were actually abused as very young children.

However, I have a personal story about recovered memory - a relative did some sexual groping on me when I was about 7 years old. I buried that memory so deep I only recalled it when my son was nearing that age. I found subsequently, that such recovered memories frequently surface only when you feel secure enough to deal with it, or when- as in my case - you have your own child approach that age and the parental desire to protect them from a similar incident occurs...

So, what can we do? A few suggestions: Support women's shelters. Donate to them. Buy toys, clothes, toiletries as needed. And don't condone sexist/abusive behaviors anywhere you see them.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/10/2005 4:36:49 AM   
zaynab


Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomButNotForgotn

The false memory thing is so twisted.



About "false memory syndrome"... in 2001, when I had childhood abuse "memory flooding" and sought therapy, my therapist brought up false memory syndrome...
the way I protected myself from that possibly happening to me was simply to put my memories in categories...
1. returned memories that I know really did happen
2. memories that probably happened but I need more proof
3. memories that may have happened but seems unlikely
etc.

I had so many returned memories (12 childhood years of it), any that I was unsure of didn't even matter, there were so many true ones!

After dealing with some of my true returned memories, I decided to just let all that go (by choice this time) because anyone can wallow around in mud from the past, but why? I had a lot of answers to why I am the way I am today, and also why my immediate family is the way it is, and why all of my immediate family members are so... dissociative... that was good enough for me on the memory topic.

So, I moved on to the recovery stage and will be there from now on...


_____________________________

zaynab[DM]
quote:

i used to care... but now i take a pill for that

(in reply to DomButNotForgotn)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/10/2005 5:59:59 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

One aspect on this, which is saddening, is the “Battered Wife Syndrome”. Even when you have helped some abused people out of a bad relationship and they look like they are recovering, what do they do? They head right into another relationship with the same type of partner.

This is indeed a tough one to deal with. I had friend who did exactly this. When I met her she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend who still harassed her. I spent a year talking with her, being a friend, being supportive as she worked to get her life back on track. At one point she wanted to be my slave, though I was very cautious about that. In the end she very suddenly decided to move back in with the ex, and last I heard they were getting married. She was calling him her one true love, etc. It was at that point I made a tough decision, I cut contact with her. Some may criticize me for that but I would hope you can understand the position I was in. Here was a woman I knew and cared about that for reasons she couldn't explain had suddenly abandoned everything she'd worked a year to build to go back to the guy she was running from when we met. To have remained friends with her would have meant subjecting myself to the likely ongoing drama that would ensue, and draw me into a situation I could do nothing about. I hate she did it, I hate I had to say good-bye, but she was an adult (mid twenties) and old enough to take responsibility for her choices. I helped her get out once, if she wants to throw that away an go back... at some point you just have to say enough.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/10/2005 6:07:20 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomButNotForgotn

So, what can we do? A few suggestions: Support women's shelters. Donate to them. Buy toys, clothes, toiletries as needed.

Some recent events have reminded me how underfunded and overtaxed many shelters are. Its very sad when they have to turn women away because they have no more room or funds to help. I don't envy the counselor that has to tell an abused woman they can't help her, she'll just have to survive the best she can on her own. I don't envy the counselor that has to make the decision to accept only women with children because they don't have enough room or funds to help everyone. It makes me wonder about our society.


_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to DomButNotForgotn)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 8/11/2005 5:11:21 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
Of course i'm not still in contact with all my clients, but i insisted on individual and family therapy, and to my knowledge, not one went into a new abusive relationship and none went back to their abusor. The care of battered women (and men) needs to extend from long before she leaves until long after she has left. He has screwed up her head and she needs help returning to full functionality -- or as close to it as possible. It's strange -- many woman resisted therapy (which i made a condition of my representation) and then became quite dependent on their therapists. These women move in baby steps...and i cannot predict whether the children made progress at all.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/11/2005 5:12:49 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused - 9/14/2005 4:50:36 AM   
uwillstop


Posts: 1
Status: offline
quote:

DomButNotForgotn
False accusations of abuse are very sad.


Ya know for someone who is so scared, it appeared you made a really nice comment on the page guestbook you had linked to this post. Also i was just wondering why would you post his link anywhere online seeing he is a computer engineer. How long do you think it will take him to see this? You dont appear scared and seems like he is the one being abused here.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 55
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.080