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norarc -> RE: When you started and where you are now (10/28/2007 1:13:57 AM)
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How did I start along this path? For a long time, I didn't even know BDSM was an option -- it was just "those funny people in leather who do strange and dangerous stuff." BDSM was a punchline, a funny caricature presented in a movie to break tension; it never, ever occurred to me that I might find something for myself in those images. But I always had strange fantasies about confronting strong women and having them eventually submit to me sexually after a battle of wills. Mostly I repressed that stuff -- it just didn't seem at all acceptable in today's society to want to dominate women, so I strove to simply shove that sort of notion aside, labelling it as a bunch of juvenile sex fantasies and some weird latent insecurity about women.
Then I slipped, very firmly, into the grasp of clinical depression, and I didn't do much of anything for most of a decade -- few relationships, fewer fantasies. I was alive, but I'd be hard-pressed to offer much evidence of my existence during that time beyond the fact that I'm still here now. Finally, I started getting some treatment, and my libido began to re-emerge after years on the shelf. I didn't really know what to do with it, so once again I tried ignoring it and concentrating on healing myself.
I ran into a couple of Dommes online, through a role-playing website (RPol), and they just naturally assumed from my IMs that I was a dyed-in-the-wool sub, perhaps because, at the time, I was at the very beginning stages of my treatment for depression, and thus was somewhat timid and soft-spoken, not to mention polite. They sort of "initiated" me into the BDSM community, and I began looking at this lifestyle, not as a punchline, but as a legitimate way of life. In an act totally out of character for me, I went to see one of those two Dommes, to explore things further. I tried subbing, but it did nothing for me, beyond being vaguely exciting in a "forbidden" sort of way. Recalling all my old fantasies, I began to wonder if I was a switch, and changed my label to reflect that; mostly, though, I was just struggling to find my feet. But as the therapy began to take hold and my natural assertiveness began to emerge -- finally -- I began to become far more attracted to the profiles of female subs. Then in one of the chatrooms here... well, a couple of subs began teasing me gently, there was a strange sort of "click" in my brain, and that was it. Dom.
I still have a great deal to learn about what I want and don't want, but I finally, finally have a starting point for my journey. I can't wait to see what's next.
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