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juliaoceania -> RE: When you started and where you are now (10/28/2007 6:12:13 AM)
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I hesitated to answer this question, because I really do not know.
I thought I did not label people when I took a sabbatical from this site, but I did label people in my head. I have taken all the labels and truly flushed them.
I struggled with some confusion as to my place, or if I even had a place, within the BDSM community over the last few months... but no matter what I consider myself a masochist. I also know that I have deep submissive tendencies. But I have no desire to submit anymore, maybe the "submit" button is broken on me?...laughing here.
My attitude about the "lifestyle" is probably not the best right now, I am kinda jaded. I have been hurt twice in these relationships, and I do not think that is a secret around here.
I have been dating vanilla guys.. nothing serious, but I inform them that I am a masochist before we go out. I accept me the way I am, and I demand either people in my life accept me or they can go fuck themselves basically. So far no one has changed their mind about a date with me, nor made any move that I consider disrespectful while on a date with me... but then again I am a hottie (weg). I believe I can get what I need in the right vanilla relationship because I do not want any rigidity in my life.... I desire balance, and I found D/s to be imbalanced for me. I want my way as much as the next person, and I need freedom to express myself creatively and to make my way economically. If I state my needs are not being met I want that to be listened to and respected. I do not want to be ordered around when it hurts me... and I do not want any relationship that is all about someone else... period.
The above should not reflect on Sinergy, I care for him deeply still, and I consider him a friend... just so people know that anything I post is not to dog on him. I just look at the profiles of men that email me and shake my head... nothing they say they want, or demand, or need to have is something that would be healthy for me. Maybe that will change one day.
I have gotten to the point that any man that emails me on a site like this just turns me off. I want someone that finds mates in the real world, not on a BDSM site. I want to be married, I do not give a rat's ass about a collar.
Hope that wasn't too much TMI
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