RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue

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TNstepsout -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 6:52:20 AM)
Well now I am confused because I'm hearing from the men that this isn't what is happening. So do you have any ideas guys, why these prosepctive subs seem to fluctuate so greatly in their interest and urgency? This have very recently happened to me with FOUR different prospective subs. We exchange emails, we chat a bit, and then it's time to chat further or get on the phone and they are no-shows. They are not online when we planned to chat and they don't answer the phone when I call. They just disappear. Then a few weeks later they pop up again saying they were busy and now are URGENT to meet me again. What else could this be but the boner factor?

DianeB269 -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 6:55:20 AM)
Maybe they were married? Diane

TNstepsout -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 7:15:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DianeB269 Maybe they were married? Diane I think at least one of them was. One was just a complete flake and the other two....not sure. They did say they lived alone and I had invitations to their homes. Which would tend to imply nothing to hide there. Of course if they don't intend to ever get that far they can say anything.....

AAkasha -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 9:24:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy You have to see the ironies around yourself, which in this case, you are not really in the dating market and you have a limited interest in anyone you date. No matter how you spin it, those elements qualify your perspective and shape how you come off as an advisor. Truly you want your readers to embrace what BDSM has to offer (good) --- but the translation of your own experiences as a broad template for others sometimes strikes me as a little off. I know your project, I read the other thread. Folks there, including me, were skeptical. You too were skeptical, citing several crash and burn endings to your relationships when "feelings" popped up. The threadline thesis rebuttal to your project was the unrealistic expectation of keeping everything on a third-date level of expectation, excitement, and feeling. That's a bit of doomed project with a single person and a complex one with a married person. How I come off as an "advisor"? Good lord. Do you think I care if some people (namely you) think that the way I manage my relationships makes me a bad source for advice? Guess what? Don't listen to my advice then. And now, you take examples from a previous thread (two of the other examples in it were from more than 8 years ago) and misconstrue them. If you look at my span of relationships over the last 21 years, the few hiccups as I was finding my feet are insignificant compared to the multiple successful intimate and casual relationships - from boytoys to piggies to deep, passionate loving relationships that spanned 2+ years in most cases. And these are all intimate, non-paid, real life, in the flesh relationships, not online fantasies. I've had lots of non-intimate, very casual, but very mutually rewarding relationships with men. Just because I highlight some of the pitfalls doesn't mean they are all bad. You seem simply set on derailing the idea that I am in a happy, functional, passionate femdom relationship and also am on the road to satisfying relationships on the side. The fact that I insist that I don't break any hearts along the way by having men get too attached to me is a bad thing? Please. I know women who would actually enjoy getting men attached to them, making them kiss her ass, sort of non directly laying out "hints" that "Sure, maybe, you never know...who knows what might happen in my relationship...." so that he pines for her, only to treat him like shit and kick him to the curb after he's written love poems and sent her roses every Valentine's Day. Some sadistic women enjoy treating men like shit that way, and figure hey - these guys are garbage, replacable, and submissive so they must like it deep down anyway. My morals prevent me from doing that. The fact that I don't want to hurt anyone emotionally, and that I treasure my primary relationship in a way that makes me want to steer blazingly clear from any guy who starts to hope that maybe he can someday be my boyfriend, does not make me less attractive to a great many male subs that are trying to get their feet wet. In my other post I was questioning whether the intensity of BDSM makes men seem to "fall" for women when they clearly know they are off limits. It's not about the reality of whether or not casual relationships happen. I have had dozens of them. I'm sorry you have a problem with that. I will continue to have dozens of them, and I will continue to end relationships if I feel the man is getting too attached to me, because it's not fair to him. Second, that kind of intimacy can develop mutually Perhaps you are in a ho-hum relationship with your primary and it's one of those "mostly lacking but not worth getting out of" or "well she's really my best friend too, and most of the relationship is fine." I am in a relationship that grows deeper every day, I love my man more than life itself, I treasure him so deeply that I would do anything for him, and our romantic and sex and kink life is thriving. There's no way in hell I am going to screw that up because I like playing with boys on the side - so you better believe I'm setting my boundaries very clear. Maybe more experienced poly people are at a level of romantic maturity that they can foster feelings like love and romantic love with multiple people at the same time. Maybe in ten years I will be there, too. I don't crave that right now though. And more importantly, I find it too risky. Akasha

AAkasha -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 9:47:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TNstepsout Well now I am confused because I'm hearing from the men that this isn't what is happening. So do you have any ideas guys, why these prosepctive subs seem to fluctuate so greatly in their interest and urgency? This have very recently happened to me with FOUR different prospective subs. We exchange emails, we chat a bit, and then it's time to chat further or get on the phone and they are no-shows. They are not online when we planned to chat and they don't answer the phone when I call. They just disappear. Then a few weeks later they pop up again saying they were busy and now are URGENT to meet me again. What else could this be but the boner factor? I think in some cases it could be cold feet/fear, in other cases they are hiding something and in some cases it is "the boner factor" (lol). The more I think about it, I guess my issue is that I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with the fact that a guy might be hot/cold based on how turned on he is at the moment, because often that's the kind of passion we femdoms use to make our domination intense. Why are so many of us into controlling a man's cock? Well, because we know the results are GOOD! So I don't think these men deserve a femdom death sentence. I just wish there was a way to figuratively sit them in a corner, tie them up, tell them to calm down, and then get around their horniness to take a look inside them. But more importantly, that kind of "shot out of a cannon" submission (visual: guy sitting with a huge boner) does not lend itself to the calculated, slow, steady "peeling of the onion" style of predatory domination I prefer (if I am going down the route of just hit-and-run-play), and it also really overshadows any other aspect of their personality when their urgency and instant-devotion and insane, intense devotion are over the top. I think, though, some women must be caving in to their approach (ie, saying "ok. take off your clothes slave. Turn on your cam. I'm taking you.") and they are getting rewarded for this kind of "shot out of a cannon" submission - and at that moment, they are horny again, and looking for that. And then they get it, then feel either shame/disgust and think "oh I'm never doing this bdsm thing again," or they feel content and just shrug their shoulder and move on. For some, the urges come back in a few days, for others, a few weeks. But when they do, they want to scratch the itch. And it might SEEM like they want a "woman they can submit to seriously and for a long time," but their more pressing matters are the erection. This is a tough nut to crack (lol). There are some cuties that come in contact with me and I 'd like to see what's underneath their horniness, but I think they are off to get their fix and then will move on; I don't think the answer is necessarily DOMINATING them when they contact us that way; but I do believe they are moving on and getting it somewhere else so they know if they are persistent they will find it. I'll note that most of the submissive who read this forum (maybe close to all) don't fit into this category - the very fact that you sit and discuss kinky matters in a thoughtful manner contradict the very nature of what these other subs do. I am not saying these "horny guys" are not subs or bottoms - I think they just haven't had a chance to figure out that their urges are not going away, and a quick fix only lasts so long. Maybe I am over analyzing though. Akasha

cloudboy -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 11:28:02 AM)
Not only can you not know what is going on during internet shenanigans, you can never figure it out either. Someone posing as a malesub or acting like one online might likely just be a pretender. And, its a mistake is to tag malesubs with lewd, manipulative behavior traits (the boner factor) based on interactions with mere cyber personalities. To separate the wheat from the chaff, get to F2F or talking on the phone ASAP. From that point, you can better gauge what is real or unreal and better understand what malesubs are truly about. As for you know, pretenders come in all forms: wankers, married, underaged, overaged, pranksers, and hucksters. Figuring out what happened is like trying to capture the wind in your hand.

MiladyElaine -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 11:50:47 AM)
quote: But in the following days, that's when 90% of the time, submissives drop the ball. Their follow up skills are bad if they follow up at all, they drop dramatically in their intensity level with regards to interest. Honestly, it has me wonder quite often if it's really that they log on with an erection and it's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to find that "domina of their dreams," and as soon as they cum - whether it be later that night or the next day - they kind of just wander off to their normal lives and it's just not that important any more. That is, until the next erection (kink related) at which time they log on, and probably start messaging profusely another femdom who happens to be online at the time. quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Yes, I have noticed this but thought it was just Me! I've spoken before about the "energy" Collarme has. That's just one of the bad side efeects of it. If you talk for several emails, he sends a photo, you decide you can do this without throwing a bag over his head and invite him over to you email address to learn more and see just how submissive he's willing to be, they disappear because you won't IM them and have them jackoff.

cloudboy -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 11:58:43 AM)
My point was really just a small one. To repeat, its bit odd seeing so much dating advice coming from someone in your position. (Not single, not seeking a LT emotional connection, and whose plethora of experiences in the market are cyberbased.) You are not wrong or "bad" in how you live your life, but it makes your dating experiences (no future relationships) a somewhat incongruous template for the general public.

AAkasha -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 12:33:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy My point was really just a small one. To repeat, its bit odd seeing so much dating advice coming from someone in your position. (Not single, not seeking a LT emotional connection, and whose plethora of experiences in the market are cyberbased.) You are not wrong or "bad" in how you live your life, but it makes your dating experiences (no future relationships) a somewhat incongruous template for the general public. "So much dating advice" coming from a married woman? So now that I am happily married, I am no longer qualified to give advice? I didn't even get married until I was 32 years old. That's 15+ years of dating. I won't even talk about the people that I help in relationships/dating on an ongoing basis. If I just talk about my personal experience alone, I dated and courted and had a host of both long and short relationships until I got married. Should we talk about all the "dating advice" given by some regular submissive posters here who have not had a relationship (of any kind) in a decade? What's your "dating resume" looking like? People give all kinds of advice here and are talking out of their ass. Half of them don't have any real life experience to speak of. I think my experience speaks for itself. I still think you are just bitter that women have more options. edited to add: My experiences with bdsm relationships are mostly in real life. I have had a real life kinky partner consistently since I was old enough to date. Saying that I am only cyber is complete bullshit. Akasha

cloudboy -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 5:29:52 PM)
I should probably let go of it, but that would dissappoint my huge fanbase. #1. You don't win an argument by mistating your opponent's position. I never made the following points: a. That because you are "happily married" you are "no longer qualified to give dating advice." b. You are "only cyber." Re: b. The majority of your dating experiences, now that you are married, are cyber-based. The majority of your insight into BDSM dating, since you have been married (six years) is cyber based. (This is just drawn from the record on the CMMB.) #2. quote: Should we talk about all the "dating advice" given by some regular submissive posters here who have not had a relationship (of any kind) in a decade? That would be off the subject and would serve little purpose to the points at hand. #3. quote: What's your "dating resume" looking like? I haven't been in the dating market for 20 years. I understand that there's a vast difference between me being married poly and people who are single and in the dating market. I can apply this distinction to myself, and I don't think its all that inopposite to you either. #4. quote: People give all kinds of advice here and are talking out of their ass. Half of them don't have any real life experience to speak of. I think my experience speaks for itself. This is really a non sequitor. You and I are not in this debate to discuss other people. #5. quote: I still think you are just bitter that women have more options. Ahhh, the humility; I'm just a "bitter" because you have it "so good." The straight answer is that I'm just not fully on board with some of your generalizations and POV. I'm also not a fan of your penchant for ab-hominem broadsides and innuendos during a debate. For the record, yet again, I never said you give bad advice and don't have knowledge to impart. I said (or tried to say) that the template of your current (six year) experiences is not readily transferable to the general public. The tenor of your posts suggests that you are right there in the waves of the dating market with everyone else, when in fact that's not exactly the case. As a result, I experience some dissonance reading your posts centered courtship and dating.

AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/27/2007 9:27:42 PM)
I don't initiate contact very often. When I do, it usually has to do with a comment I have about a post they made that I don't want to share with the group. In one case it was something in their profile that moved me. I begin by assuming nothing...and not needing something to come of it. If I end up with a penpal, I'm ahead of the game. I can use all the friends I can get in this lifestyle, because my line of work makes being seen in places like Paddles a potential career-buster. I have been fortunate enough to be approached by several Dominas on the same basis: They had a reaction to my profile note, or to something I posted here on the message boards. I begin by assuming nothing. I take their commentary at face value until they hint at or tell me otherwise. After all, I am allegedly seeking a LTR where I expect to become the junior partner, and she will be the senior partner. I want to let her take the lead, but I feel it is my responsibility to encourage her lead with response. An e-mail exchange is much like conversation. It has to be built from both sides, or it quickly becomes a painful silence. There is much written about the Dominant capturing the submissive's mind and everything else will follow. I see less written about the need for the submissive to capture the imagination of the Dominant, and then everything else follows. It's a dance of mutual seduction that builds anticipation and desire in delicate layers. Seduction doesn't have to be about sex, D/s, or BDSM [hey, we're meeting on CM, right?]. I think seduction has to do with being able to discuss things not related to CM at the start. It breaks the ice, and broadens the things we might have in common. It reduces the pressure and awkwardness associated with meeting a new acquaintence. It also allows me to get know know her as a person, and guage how far I want this to go past an exchange of e-mails. But where oh where do I start? I read her profile, journal entries, and message board history, if she has one. Yes, that can take time, but it can be time well invested. Message Board history, where available, is a gold mine to me. I learn things about her that she may not have thought to put in her profile or journal. Once I know her non-BDSM interests, I pick one. I'm fortunate to have been around for a while, and I've developed a wide range of vanilla interests myself. It is rare that I don't share at least one non-BDSM interest, and frankly, the more I find that we share, the better the odds of the contact becoming a relationship. It isn't hard. It merely requires some time, thought, and a dash of imagination.

petdave -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 9:03:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy Someone posing as a malesub or acting like one online might likely just be a pretender. cloudboy, i get the impression you and i share a lot of opinions on the F/m dynamic, gained through experience, and i gotta ask... Do you really think anyone would pose as a malesub on line if they weren't? As opposed to something a bit more glamorous, like, say, a guy nearing the end of his prison sentence for sexual assault, or a necrophiliac, or something? Kinda seems like you're grasping at straws for the purpose of busting Akasha's chops, here.

Politesub53 -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 9:37:07 AM)
Petdave....nice point, i suspect you would have more luck posing as a male Dom than a male submissive.

AAkasha -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 9:56:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy For the record, yet again, I never said you give bad advice and don't have knowledge to impart. I said (or tried to say) that the template of your current (six year) experiences is not readily transferable to the general public. The tenor of your posts suggests that you are right there in the waves of the dating market with everyone else, when in fact that's not exactly the case. As a result, I experience some dissonance reading your posts centered courtship and dating. Oh please. Do you judge every poster based on (how valid you perceive) their credentials at that exact space in time and hold them up to such scrutiny? How do you know who has any experience at all? Who just makes up their experiences anyway? You pick a thread that has nothing to do with romantic dating/courting to take issue with the fact that I have been married 6 years so much dating experience might not be "fresh," when I don't mispreresent myself one biit in my posts and my entire background is basically out there for the world to see if they wanted to. Nothing in this thread suggests I am not "right there in it" with the women experiencing the same frustrations with men who seem to be contacting women here in a state of arousal, making it difficult for us to see what lies beneath. The fact that I am looking for a "plaything" not a "boyfriend" isn't relevant to this issue anyway. Further, my profile clearly states what I am looking for, so I'm not leading anyone on. I'm going to continue to share my frustrations regarding the manner that submissive men contact me here, and will continue to share advice regarding what I have found to be working so that the worthwhile men are not lost in the shuffle. I am sure you will be reading every post with pain and frustration, believing I am misrepresenting myself because the men I seek here are not for romance or dating. Fortunately, the submissive men don't seem to have a problem with that. Akasha

bootw0rshipJT -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 12:18:41 PM)
This thread is going nowhere........I agree with the person who said it's a bit a generalisation to think all subs act like this. JT

canada67 -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 1:06:28 PM)
The solution i think is to lock him up in a chastity device. When i've been auctioned off, my new Owner has locked me up. i'm always eager to please a Woman who has the key to my manhood.

AAkasha -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 1:16:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: canada67 The solution i think is to lock him up in a chastity device. When i've been auctioned off, my new Owner has locked me up. i'm always eager to please a Woman who has the key to my manhood. I actually have thought about whether or not "immediate cock control" followed by a "forced non-kinky interview" would get an overzealous submissive to settle down, focus on what's important and then start to understand that the best way for a dominant women to develop an interest in him is for her to see him as a man first, and a slave second. Akasha

dcnovice -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 1:18:16 PM)
quote: Is it really all about the hard cock What else is there? [:)]

TNstepsout -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 4:14:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bootw0rshipJT This thread is going nowhere........I agree with the person who said it's a bit a generalisation to think all subs act like this. JT Well I never thought ALL subs acted like this. I just thought it might have a lot to do with several I'd met recently whose behavior was baffling to me.

PsyVamp -> RE: The reality of many searching submissives: the cock issue (10/28/2007 7:12:57 PM)
another sigh seems my night for introspection with your ideas as muse. How about "I don't have to write things for you, I see you all the time". seems familiarity makes one lazy too. But as to your original post, I do not go on chat quickly with those I actually consider seriously. I will go on chat with those that I'd like as friends. I had someone once that chatted with me for hours almost every day on IM.... Now I don't even get a response to my emails because it seems talking for five minutes a day is enough connection for him. Its rather difficult to get the urge to dominate someone who takes you for granted. Psy aka Lady Jag. yawns - sorry rather bored at the moment.

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