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Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 9:35:36 AM

shellzbythesea

Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline

i am one of those subs who does not want to "hang it all out on the line" for others unless i get to know them better and feel some sense of trust towards them. Because of this, i choose not to put my bdsm interests on my profile. This does *not* mean that i won't discuss those interests at some point if i feel there is some sort of chemistry or connection with the Dom i'm talking to. i am *very* aware that we all have different interests/fetishes that may be vital to the relationship we seeking, therefore it would be foolish not to go into some detail (again, if there's a sense of "connection") on my interests and of course go over my hard limits, as well.

Most of the responses i've received have been positive. However, i do occasionally (not as rarely as i'd like) get the Dom/Master who tells me how silly it is that i'm on this site versus something like Match.com. i know what my feelings are and i know how long i've had them. This is not my first trip into D/s and even though i fought the urge for years, i finally feel ready to accept and even embrace it.

How many of You feel that it's imperative that a sub put up her bdsm checklist for all Doms to see? How many feel that because some subs choose to list mostly their vanilla interests that that makes them somehow less "lifestyle-worthy?" Do You discount someone that doesn't use the checklist?

i personally feel that unless a Dom is interested in my vanilla side, as well as my bdsm side, we wouldn't be a good match. i'm looking for both.

Post #: 1

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 9:45:25 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I understand exactly what you are saying. I am looking for more than just someone with the same kinks, so I initially did not put my BDSM interests in my checklist. Then I got the same crap as you did, oh what you are looking for must be on Match.com, etc.

Then I also started speaking to Doms who clearly DID NOT have the same BDSM interests as I did, so I put mine back in.

You really cannot win here, you just have to hope you find someone compatible with you on all levels, vanilla and BDSM, if that is what you are seeking. Believe me, I know it is not easy to find that combination of both.

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 2

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 9:49:31 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea

How many of You feel that it's imperative that a sub put up her bdsm checklist for all Doms to see?

When I was single, I never discussed my BDSM side unless I thought that person was someone that I could take the step into playing.

The reason is that I'm more concerned with WHO someone is rather than focusing on the sexuality. I really didn't want to have a discussion with some guy that had one hand on his dick. If someone was more concerned with the fact that I submissive and what I like to do in the bedroom, then I wasn't interested. I wanted a three dimensional, real man.

Seriously, if I haven't even decided if I like you enough to continue chatting with you, why should I be telling you about the most private parts of my life?

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 10/27/2007 9:50:53 AM >

_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 3

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 9:49:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Everyone gets told they need to leave or aren't suitable for here for some stupid reason.

However, it IS a little odd to be on a kink specific site and not at least mention some of your main priority kinks. Not bad or wrong- just odd.

Why don't you look at my profile and model yours after it? It's a great one.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 4

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 9:52:20 AM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Hrm. Would you be comfortable listing a "level" of D/S, rather then speific kinks? Say...If you want a 24/7 relationship or a very controlling one, mention that. If not, say that you plan to only submit in the bedroom.

But if you don't mention the kinks and there are particulars you want, you will be wasting time with incompatible people. But if you don't mention the vanilla side, you'll be wasting your time with incompatible people. There is also the thing that listing them makes you uncomfortable. I am a very direct person, so this doesn't bother me. But I could see how you would not feel right listing what you want from sex before anything else.

If someone wants a relationship based on more then jsut sex, they'll mention more then just sex. I think listing and listening to vanilla interests, as it is still a part of our lives is very important. If you plan on a vanilla long term relationship, you won't just mention how much you like sex, you'll mention your interests and hobbies. And unles BDSM is all you two plan to do, you will have to venture into the vanilla world. It doesn't bite, I promise.

I'd be more wary of those who did not. Typcially, those who do not list anything go on large rants of how no one is a true sub/master, and then insult whomever is in the catorgory of whomever they are seeking.

I didn't list everything fearing that I would be judged by those(Especially since my profile is severly lacking in a profile) before being judged by my words.

< Message edited by RosesHaveThorns -- 10/27/2007 9:54:22 AM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 5

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 10:08:03 AM

shellzbythesea

Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RosesHaveThorns

Hrm. Would you be comfortable listing a "level" of D/S, rather then speific kinks? Say...If you want a 24/7 relationship or a very controlling one, mention that. If not, say that you plan to only submit in the bedroom. You know what? That might be a very good compromise for me. i think i have done that somewhat in the middle of my ad but it could be it's too hidden to be clear.

But if you don't mention the kinks and there are particulars you want, you will be wasting time with incompatible people. This is a true concern of mine and the reason that if i do feel there's a "connection" i'm definitely open to discussing the "particulars" with a Dom. i really don't want to waste anyone's time.

But if you don't mention the vanilla side, you'll be wasting your time with incompatible people. There is also the thing that listing them makes you uncomfortable. I am a very direct person, so this doesn't bother me. It might surprise some people here on CM how very direct i can be in my everday life, so i hear you.

But I could see how you would not feel right listing what you want from sex before anything else.

If someone wants a relationship based on more then jsut sex, they'll mention more then just sex. I think listing and listening to vanilla interests, as it is still a part of our lives is very important. If you plan on a vanilla long term relationship, you won't just mention how much you like sex, you'll mention your interests and hobbies. And unles BDSM is all you two plan to do, you will have to venture into the vanilla world. It doesn't bite, I promise.

I'd be more wary of those who did not. Typcially, those who do not list anything go on large rants of how no one is a true sub/master, and then insult whomever is in the catorgory of whomever they are seeking. Here is a true concern for me and the reason i started my thread. i do not want someone to by "wary" of me because i don't use the checklist. AND, i myself, have gotten into lengthy convos with a few Doms only to find out several emails later that they've never actually been in a D/s relationship before, they just want to find a vanilla woman who is wild in bed.

I didn't list everything fearing that I would be judged by those(Especially since my profile is severly lacking in a profile) before being judged by my words.

This will sound hysterically bizarre i'm sure, but i kept waking up this morning with all of these "thoughts" going through my head on what my submission means to me...who i really am and what i'm seeking...i'm an odd duck, what can i say? Most people would rather just sleep and think about this during their waking hours, i'm sure. lol

Thanks to A/all who have replied.

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)

Post #: 6

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 10:09:12 AM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I think it helps to see the check list - it adds an open level of communication right of the bat - no pun intended! It gives anyone viewing the profile an opportunity to make an informed choice, because the reality is the lifestyle preferences are going to come out or be known sooner or later - so why not sooner?

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)

Post #: 7

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 10:09:59 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

Personally, I think that if you're a Top or bottom it's probably (read: not a requirement) a good idea to list some of your likes and dislikes, since those are the qualities that will determine your compatibility with a play partner. And if you're a slave/submissive or Dominant seeking a power exchange relationship, it's more likely (read: not universally so) that a compatible partner will be interested in who you are rather than what you enjoy, or don't enjoy, doing during a scene.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 8

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 10:50:19 AM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

However, i do occasionally (not as rarely as i'd like) get the Dom/Master who tells me how silly it is that i'm on this site versus something like Match.com. i

I've gotten it too. More often than not, it's some twat that is angry that I either rejected them, or I simply wasn't half as excited as they were about having something to wank to.

The way I see it, personal details are just that, they're personal. I am a fairly open book, but if you want to know very personal information about me, you can't just take a superficial glance at me and have all that information provided for you. It takes time to get to know someone, and it will take time for me to be comfortable talking about all the hot stuff I like to do. :)

--Caveat-- I do list some of my kinks, I just will not discuss them in detail until I have decided that I like the person, and am convinced that they aren't simply reaching for the lube. I hate being baited or asked leading questions to try to get me to talk "dirty." That said, once I have decided that I genuinely like someone as a person, I have had some pretty hot conversations (talking shop, but when the topic is hot, it can be exciting!) with said persons... that I am sure may have inspired lube grabbing after the conversation, but that wasn't the point of the discussion for either party.

It's common for people to have this sense of urgency when it comes to getting to know someone. They are very fixated on a thing, or a concept, and they want it need it ohmigod must have it right now, and end up rushing things. Or at least, that's my impression of things.

Maybe it's because I'm young, and I know I have plenty of time; maybe it's because my life is otherwise plenty fulfilling to me, but I have no desire to rush anything. If someone isn't happy with the fact that I am not only willing to, but insist on taking my time; if they aren't happy that though I am a switch, I can't be turned on to topping or bottoming with the flip of one; that I have absolutely no interest in talking about scenes with someone from the word go.... then they are perfectly free to toddle along and pester someone else.

Anyway, I think that it is imperative that people move at their own pace and do what jives with and is best for them, regardless of what some self important asshat might have to say about it.

That said, this self important asshat says that if you're (damn that proverbial "you") not content with my pace, then you're not compatible with me.

< Message edited by iammachine -- 10/27/2007 11:01:51 AM >

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(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 9

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 10:50:23 AM

Myster

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/29/2004
Status: offline

Personally I like a bit of both. I'm personally skeptical of every advertisment on here simply because it is free to post one on here. If all you list is your vanilla interests I tend to think it is a copy/paste job from different personal sites throughout the Internet.

Also I tend to taylor my responses to the ad. The more information you give me up front the more likely I am to respond to your personal and the deeper the conversation can be from the very beginning.

Kevin

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 10

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 11:00:32 AM

Goddess20

Posts: 73
Joined: 7/12/2007
From: Birmingham, England
Status: offline

your profile is just that its YOUR profile.

you don't put anything on there that you don't want just anybody to know.

Most people put their BDSM interests on there, some don't its as simple as that.

And if the Doms mailing you don't understand that then they're obviously not the kind of Dom you want to speak to anyway.

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 11

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 11:09:41 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

my profile is woefully short. hardly anything at all.

Daddy found enough in it to interest him sufficiently to message me, keep chasing me when i was unsure, and finally be there to catch me when i turned around and really looked at him. we've learned about each other through email, long sessions on IM, phone conversations, and spending time together. something must be working. *smiles*

kitten

(in reply to Goddess20)

Post #: 12

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 12:20:03 PM

PryderiLoup

Posts: 90
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

How many of You feel that it's imperative that a sub put up her bdsm checklist for all Doms to see?

Shellz, I think your profile says a LOT about you.

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 13

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 12:33:50 PM

shellzbythesea

Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PryderiLoup

Shellz, I think your profile says a LOT about you.

PryderiLoup...thank You...i've tried to add a bit to it today via the "journal" portion. Honestly, i thought it was okay in the beginning but after reading the above responses and getting a few less than favourful responses (not many, just enough for me to question it)...i figured maybe i should add some more "insight."

However, i still don't like those checklists and am still curious as to why *some* Doms "appear" to think less of subs who don't use them. i just felt prompted to come right out and ASK instead of continuously wondering...LOL.

(in reply to PryderiLoup)

Post #: 14

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 12:49:03 PM

Argentopal

Posts: 379
Joined: 12/12/2005
From: Central Texas / Hill Country
Status: offline

HI,
When we were actively looking at profiles I did like to see at least a few bdsm interests in each area. If someone had, for example, all 3 or 4 of our most favorite bdsm activities in their hard limits, it really would not matter if we all loved opera and handgliding, our kinks were not going to match up. Now, I will add the caveat that if someone sounded just spectacular in every other way, I might have written them a short hello letter and asked if they'd be interested in telling me what they disliked so much about a certain thing. Knifeplay is the best example because most who have not done or seen it think it equates with blood play and cutting, when that is far from the truth. So there is the chance that someone might be willing to be "converted". But, if someone really has knives, fire, and electricity as serious hard limits then we would not be happy with them. So having some idea upfront can be helpful and keep us from wasting our time and theirs with email exchanges that are not really going to lead to anything fruitful for either of us. However, all that said, it is YOUR profile and you should put what ever YOU want others to know right off the bat. When my "domme" profile was active I made sure to put I was married and asked potential submissive gentelmen to read our joint profile before they emailed me. I also put that any submissive gentleman HAD to be willing to at the very least experient with knifeplay. It was important to me that they know those thongs before any emails began. It is all about what yuo want others to know prior to emails. I also agree that journals here can be helpful, but be awqare that additional journal entries mean somethign you wrote now will get pushed farther down in the stack and not be read every time.

Good luck in finding what you seek.
opal

_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

... and i did.

~Surrender without Fear~
~Power without Guilt~
~Love without Doubt~

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 15

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 1:14:23 PM

RaynaSub

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

I am also another one of those submissive's that is interested in talking about my vanilla side, first.
It is not to much to ask, and it helps seperate those that are not interested in a serious relationship.
If someone is not interested in getting to know you as a person, first, than what I are they looking for?
There is more to life for most of us, than BDSM activities.

I was very selective when I was searching. I was not willing to lower my standards.
I met a wonderful Master, who was willing to get to know me as a person and a friend.
We waited several months before any BDSM activities, I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.

(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 16

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 3:14:04 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RaynaSub

I am also another one of those submissive's that is interested in talking about my vanilla side, first.
It is not to much to ask, and it helps seperate those that are not interested in a serious relationship.
If someone is not interested in getting to know you as a person, first, than what I are they looking for?
There is more to life for most of us, than BDSM activities.

I was very selective when I was searching. I was not willing to lower my standards.
I met a wonderful Master, who was willing to get to know me as a person and a friend.
We waited several months before any BDSM activities, I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.

what she said...well, minus the finding a wonderful master. but alone is not lonely for me, its really a content space, and i tend to think things happen when theyre supposed to.

i will check out my profile though...i honestly cant remember whats on there-lol

_____________________________

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in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to RaynaSub)

Post #: 17

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 3:35:32 PM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

i was looking for a partner. i wasn't trying to put the destination before the journey. For me, a journey without a defined destination allows me to travel where the road leads me. Looking for a destination is too much a maze of disappointments for me. For that reason, it was important for me to list at least some of the activities i've had experience in and activities i enjoy. People feel a whole lot better if they are scratched where it itches.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

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(in reply to shellzbythesea)

Post #: 18

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 4:53:25 PM

Vanatru

Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

I look at profile then journal as top 2 things. what you have isn't too bad. I do also look at Lives For/Loves and Hates/Hard Limits as there are some things I do really like and don't really like. For instance, I have seen several profiles with water sports in the Lives For or Loves section and I know that won't work for me as I'm just not interested in it. Then I see others list tickling as a Hard Limit, and I love to tickle. That's not going to work either.

The interests section lists many things other than just straight kinks, and from looking at your profile, it'd seem you really want someone pretty straight that just has some kinks, so I really don't get why you don't want to share them. It's like I'd be expected to spend a bunch of time finding out if we'd have enough similar interests to be compatible? Maybe you need to ask yourself why you've created so many obstacles for someone to get to know you.

It just screams to me of someone with little or no experience and not really sure what they want. there were a couple things in your profile that would be important to know though...

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 19

RE: Proof in advertising...or TMI? - 10/27/2007 5:42:31 PM

PryderiLoup

Posts: 90
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

To me, there are only 2 important things in a profile. Female, and looking for a dominant male. Everything else, to me, is negotiable.

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 20

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