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RE: on the fence - 10/30/2007 6:09:27 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
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I'm confused - you are married and in a poly relationship - doesn't that inherently mean that she's probably going to continue looking for other partners, in particular a primary (it certainly sounds like you have a primary)? Does the rescheduling happen when you are there? Or is this when you plan to talk online or on the phone?

I'm always suspicious when a friend of the complimentary orientation is trying to advise you to end a relationship - people have strange motives I've found.

C~

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RE: on the fence - 10/30/2007 6:18:20 AM

Dnomyar

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The op wants to hear your thoughts but he dosent want to listen to them.

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RE: on the fence - 11/1/2007 4:52:31 AM

BeautysBeast

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Joined: 7/4/2007
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That is not true at all and how dare you say that. I have simply clarified in places where i thought others might have misunderstood. It is correct that i should expect her to have a primary of her own and looking back i do understand how sometimes i allow so much emotional baggage from my past effect me. Reading through thee posts and re-reading a chapter in "The Ethical Slut" about Jealousy i see certain patterns emerging frequently. Often times i am able to push it down or swallow it whole only to come out again later.

What i found was that.. I took many of her words to be more literal then they were likely meant to be, as I do often. I am a very literal person. Often is someone says to me "It hurts like a bitch" my first question to them is "How much does a bitch hurt?" We've made certain promises to one another and to a larfe extent they have been kept. Yes, i am no longer the center of her world and in truth i not only have to accept that, i can... try. It hurts to know she will be playing with others just a couple days before i get there.. just so they can get in a visit with her before i am there.. to stay connected. There's not that much effort to stay connected to me sometimes, but as has been said here, the distance makes it difficult and i know a phone call or online time is easier to reschedule. It's not as tangible to her as a physical date with someone. It hurts, but it is the truth and i am learning to accept that as well.

So again i thank you for your posts... but once more, i have to say, how dare you presume that i do not wish to know what i want. As for why i came to strangers to begin with, i did not come to you just out of need for an answer.. i may already have that... what i came here for was an unbiased opinion of people not connected to the situation. And i got that.

Thanks

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

The op wants to hear your thoughts but he dosent want to listen to them.

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RE: on the fence - 11/1/2007 5:21:32 AM

TNstepsout

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I think "Lady" is pretty darn smart and you should listen to her. It's painful to let go, but it's even more painful to hang on.

Good Luck

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RE: on the fence - 11/1/2007 5:48:01 AM

MistressPurpleFL

Posts: 112
Joined: 10/2/2005
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See I am rather selfish and personally I would not have chosen you to be my MAIN slave HOW could I? How could I when you are Married to another woman and are how many MILES away??? I know it is harsh but YOU need to wake up and realize that no matter what type of connection you have with her YOU may just be a toy to play with until she finds someone local she can really own and be with on the regular.

I am a romantic sadist but I am also realistic did you really think this relationship was going to last the way it is set up?? If it were a casual affair then I could understand it better and you would have to accept it for what it is IS casual but you seem to want to have your cake, pie, ice cream and coffee all at once but it really doesn't work that way.

Sincerely,
MP

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RE: on the fence - 11/1/2007 7:57:56 AM

CreativeDominant

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While LDRs can last, it takes a lot of time and effort and commitment by both parties. Start whittling away at that commitment with other factors such as her being poly, you having a primary, your primary having a Master...and on and on and suddenly the relationship becomes even more difficult to maintain.

In addition, wanting someone to become what you wish them to be or wanting someone to feel what you feel is just that...wanting. It is not what IS. While some find the idea of finding someone who has all the qualities you want and who wants all the qualities you have and then making the love "happen" because of all this intermeshing intriguing, I don't. And I am realistic and pragmatic enough to realize that I can share many things with many people and that just because I do, they are not going to necessarily love me or be in love with me and the fact that I may love them or be in love with them has...in all actuality...little to do with it.
I've had a submissive who loved me but never really clarified whether or not she was in love with me. The same submissive was...looking back now...more vague about relocation than I noted at the time and good at coming up with reasons as to why "it just was not possible" at the time. She had a former dominant within her life the whole time she was with me who was surreptitiously encouraging her return to him. All these things may have been part and parcel of why she was not in love with me but you know what? Part of it may have been me...for whatever reason, as good as I was for her and however much she enjoyed me and my dominance and our intellectual meshing, the romantic "in-love" entwining was not there.

Like your mistress...she did not have the guts to tell me but rather came out with an ending of the relationship over a small argument about something very minor. If your mistress will not take things in hand...and if you cannot take an honest, blunt look at things and request a sitdown to talk this over from a rational standpoint...then you are in for continuing misery until this relationship ends. Because it surely will without any change. It may well end when you have a confrontation over the issues but continuing on in this fashion...it most certainly will.

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RE: on the fence - 11/1/2007 8:16:16 AM

RRafe

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I gave up on trying to make people fit my fantasies..long ago-it never works.

Instead, I seek to find a clear honesty in perceptions of who people are. Without deluding myself that they could be more-if..............I no longer carry within myself a false vision of "the one"

Because that is one of the cruelest things we can do to ourselves. Instead,I leave myself open to the possibility that association may make changes in perceptions-but that at the core-compatability is all about acceptance.

And this woman is not accepting you-and your fantasy is all that you have left to release-you, she already has.

< Message edited by RRafe -- 11/1/2007 8:17:02 AM >

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RE: on the fence - 11/1/2007 8:16:34 AM

octavia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

To carry that a step further, it's romantic to think that a slave/submissive is a piece of clay awaiting a Master to mold her into whatever he wishes (excuse me while I gag). But if that were the case, there would be no such thing as "compatibility" as any slave/submissive will do (they'll all turn out the same, afterall... they'll become whatever you make of them).

I'm sure someone will say that different slaves/submissives have different types of clay (ie: they can become different things) but it's the same false premise with just a little less "universality" (is that a word?) to it.

John

I believe this is one of the "logics of othering" Val Plumwood writes about. She refers to it as homogonization. The mindset created is that all others are the same and interchangable. The other four logics go on to solidify the view that oneself is the only moral center, and to justify functioning accordingly.
Now why is it I can remember this crap for a post on CM but blank out for my midterms.....