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a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 11:59:26 AM   
magoobear


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I have a dom that I have been seeing .. a few times at least.. and hes in a married relationship thats not d/s to my knowledge.. and hes wanting to control me outside of our play.. which ive been very resistant to.. I dont think its the right thing for me.. I can be submissive to him only during play..not any other time..I just feel I cant give that much of myself to someone who is very much attached
My question is .. is this sort of having someone on the side to have a D/s relationship common in the D/s community? or any ideas on that would be welcome
M
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 12:13:05 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		If you want to only be a bedroom submissive, make that clear and be prepared to walk out if he goes too far. Also be prepared to work things out and to discuss limits farther. I'm not poly, but I can say that like you, I am only submissive in certain aspects, and my dom is not going to have much luck trying to control me otherwise.

I hope this helps.

(in reply to magoobear)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 12:23:37 PM   
magoobear


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks .. I think just talking about it has cleared that up for me.. Im not submissive in real life.. Honestly thats not really at all what I was looking for here.. I was never interested in being controlled.. just the opposite
I can freely walk at any time.. thats how I need it to be!!
Missy

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 12:29:11 PM   
mya75


Posts: 300
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		I have met many guys who are married and want play on the side..sometimes they do want too much control ....but you really have to go into the relationship with a set of rules and guidelines because it isnt 24/7 and you wont be allowing him that much control...I think its harder if the submissive is single and the Dom attached ..if both are attached it does make it a bit easier as far as expectations..

***I am not condoning cheating and lying but I did want to answer you honestly *smiles***

(in reply to magoobear)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 12:30:45 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		Er, yeah, that is a good point...Have you heard from the wife if she knows about you? That might tell you about why he is controlling of you if she does not.

(in reply to mya75)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 12:34:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's about as common as cheating is in vanilla relationships.

If you want an affair with someone who says you are to be the hidden "other woman" then go for it. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 1:22:21 PM   
magoobear


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		This is my first time with a married guy also.. its kinda strange.. he is good in bed thou.. I will admit I didnt know he was married but he did tell me after  we played together.. he doesnt want her to find out. I do have a boyfriend  also. its complicated. I do not need someone trying to control me. I dont let my own boyfriend do it.. why would I let someone whos married.. it just aint gonna work.. Ive got my walking boots on here with this one.. the only thing holding me back is the fact that hes good in bed
But at this point I dont even know if I trust him
so it wont work......!!!
Missy

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 1:22:55 PM   
treehugger42


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		Is it common? Seems so to me, given the number of people online who state they have vanilla marriages with a D/s partner on the side. I don't think it really matters whether it's common practice or not, though, what matters is whether it feels right to you.

You haven't mentioned whether his wife knows about and/or condones the relationship... but you mention you don't want to give so much of yourself to someone who's so attached, which is probably the right idea in my view - although whether you decide that in advance or not, it can be pretty hard for a submissive not to get sucked in to their own emotions and want to give absolutely all of themselves over to their Dominant/Master. If your dom's wife doesn't know about it, look forward to lots of awkward secrecy, guilt, longing, etc. If she does, and you want to make the relationship work - well, more power to ya, I'm not poly and I certainly couldn't stand being "the girl on the side", but if you're just looking for a more casual bedroom thing, then it might just be what works for you.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 1:25:18 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I will admit I didnt know he was married but he did tell me after  we played together.. he doesnt want her to find out.


I think at this point, it's safe to say that's he's an ass. Dump him, move on, apologize and come clean to boyfriend, see if he dumps you or not. This relation is just a bunch of lies with sex that will probably end up with everyone hurt. I say get out of it

(in reply to treehugger42)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 1:35:30 PM   
MasterDaveM


Posts: 78
Joined: 12/5/2006
From: Tampa
Status: offline
quote:

My question is .. is this sort of having someone on the side to have a D/s relationship common in the D/s community?


i wouldnt call it "uncommon". it depends on the person. bdsm is no different than the vanilla world. there are monogomous relationships and there are friends with benefits. there are also flings, affairs and weekend kinks. you have to do whats right for YOU

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 1:56:46 PM   
Kaiynasha


Posts: 172
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry to say magoobear but it is clear CHEATING. I don't get why some people condone this behavior in D/s and wouldn't dare condone it in vanilla, but ultimately in this situation someone is bound to get hurt. And usually it is you and the wife or husband.

Some will try to convince you that just because their partner is not into D/s it gives them the right to have an affair. Cheating is cheating...and if his wife finds out she can divorce on the grounds of adultery. You are better than this...move on.

(in reply to magoobear)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 3:54:57 PM   
magoobear


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		yea theres no realy desire for me to sleep with someone whos married.. did I mention that he didnt tell me that he was before hand!!
theres no excuse for it I know.. but I dont want to .. I didnt think I was.. and I wont be in the very near future
I cant be with someone who controls me.. I am very rebellious .. it would never work
thanks to everyone for helping me with this
Missy

(in reply to Kaiynasha)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 4:06:55 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		When I was married I would find "play relationships" on the side every chance that I got....I never introduced myself as being married....But after a good fuck or two I can't remember anyone complaining....My favorite, was to fuck my wife whilst on the rag and then have my insignificant other "clean me up." 

It was fun.

_____________________________



(in reply to magoobear)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 4:47:34 PM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

magoobear wrote:But at this point I dont even know if I trust him

So, he's cheating on his wife and didn't tell you at first and you're cheating on your boyfriend, whom you may or may not have mentioned to him.  And you're unsure about trust. Oookay.

(in reply to magoobear)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 4:51:29 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: magoobear

yea theres no realy desire for me to sleep with someone whos married.. did I mention that he didnt tell me that he was before hand!!


That shit happens, people lie to get into other people's pants. But now you know he's married. I think it's a good time for you to ask yourself  before you continue with that "relationship", whether you are really comfortable with deceiving and hurting two innocent people (his wife and your boyfriend) just because you need to fulfill a kink. Are you really ready to live with that on your concience?

Isn't finding someone who is available and making yourself available and henceforth being able to fulfill your kink without someone being non-consensually hurt, a better option?

You can't both have the cake and eat it too...

just my two cents...

(in reply to magoobear)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 5:13:34 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		She doesn't say whether or not the wife knows. Just because the marriage isn't a power unequal one doesn't mean that it isn't open. For all we know they could be swingers. That's not uncommon. And if it is open, then it isn't cheating.

The only rules, op, is that you have to do what's best for you. If the control he wants to yield is minor, picking panties, getting emails at bedtime, then why not try it and see how it feels. If it's rules about work, or family or such, that's too much too fast in my opinion. My rule of thumb is that if a person tries to take power in those areas, they probably aren't trustworthy with it. The good ones will wait until you willingly surrender the power.

(in reply to Viridana)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 5:16:51 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		to the op...it seems as though there are a few issues going on here:
1)what your sense of morality is in pertaining to being with someone who is in another committed relationship
2) what your sense of morality is in relation to your relationship with your bf
3) what aspects of BDSM do you want and what level of control do  you wish someone to have over your life

I can not tell you what is right or wrong. I would suggest however, that you spend sometime sorting these things out before you play again.
If something feels wrong then you know that it isn't right for you.
If you aren't sure then you might want to consider whether you want the responsibility of being part of a situation that may cause pain to someone involved with you or your Dom.... .

It is clear to me that his being married does bother you so that should help clarify things for next time.

best wishes,
aJ

edited due to typo



< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 10/28/2007 5:18:15 PM >

(in reply to Viridana)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 5:26:51 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

...he doesnt want her to find out.


Celeste43, and Magoobear,

If I am not mistaken, this phrase indicates that yes, the wife does NOT know about the relationship. If I have misread something, I apologize, but as far as I can tell, it does not appear to be an open relationship.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 5:32:36 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		To the OP:
He's cheating on her...and cheating you in the process.
He doesn't sound like he will take your relationship where you need it to go.
BUT.....if he's that good in bed:   stay and play casually, get your fuck fix, use him as he's using you, but look around for someone better.  Hell, never let a great fuck go to waste!

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
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RE: a dom that is married to someone else... - 10/28/2007 5:36:30 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: magoobear

yea theres no realy desire for me to sleep with someone whos married.. did I mention that he didnt tell me that he was before hand!!
theres no excuse for it I know.. but I dont want to .. I didnt think I was.. and I wont be in the very near future
I cant be with someone who controls me.. I am very rebellious .. it would never work
thanks to everyone for helping me with this
Missy



If you don't want someone to control  you,  explain why you are calling him your dom???


And I am having troubles understanding why you see him as wrong for cheating on his wife but you are not when  you are involved with someone else , does that not making you a cheater as well????


_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to magoobear)
Profile   Post #: 20
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