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Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 12:08:09 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Background... I met a dominant guy through another site.  We started talking in February and finally met in June.  We have seen each other pretty much once a month for a few days.  In August, we got to spend a week together while he was in training in DC.  We pretty much talk to each other datily, but sometimes there is a stretch of time that we don't.  In August, I found out I needed a hysterectomy at 32.  He came the day after my surgery and stayed for two nights.  He then had to leave to go to Miami for training.  Two weeks ago today I was attacked by my daughter's father.  I was supposed to go down to Miami for a memorial service for a cousin who was killed in Iraq and was planning on seeing him while I was down there.  (I am originally from Miami)  He talked to me the Tuesday after everything happened and said he wanted me to come down sooner.  I left Wednesday and came back this past Thursday.  While I was down there, he took care of me and helped me.

I have strong feelings for him and he says he does for me as well.  He said he can't commit to anyone at this moment and that he doesn't want to start a relationship while all these major life changes are happening (him getting a job he has wanted forever, I am going to be starting a new career in January and will have to move, my surgery and now what my ex did).  In the beginning we agreed that we would only sleep with each other.  He was free to talk to others as well as I, but no sex.  He did talk to others, but I didn't.  I had no desire.  He has said that he is staying around because he can see a future and when he is ready to commit it will most likely be me.

Here is where I am confused/upset.  He still has his personal ads available.  For some reason it really bothers me.  I am jealous of the possibility of anyone new.  I am afraid of being replaced and of just being a "place holder" until someone new comes along.  I have told him as much.  He says I am being silly.

I don't know if it everything else that has happened in such a short period of time that is making me react this way.  I was wondering what others opinions were on this topic.  (I ended up seeing a therapist today for help with the incident two weeks ago.  I don't feel comfortable talking about the kink aspect of my life with her yet.)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 12:20:48 PM   
submissfifi


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Hi There,

I'm a newbie submissive so I have no experience behind me to give you the advice you need, I just wanted to say my god, what a hellish time you've been through, and am glad your dom was able to be there for you. To me that shows commitment, so early into a relationship, not many would stick around for that.

I see where your coming from, and its a tricky situation, (I'm in a similar situation) and can be equally as jealous, I raised this with my dominant, but nothing has changed, so I figured I would place my profile back to how it was and talk with others.

All I can suggest is talk to him, tell him how you feel, just because its a kinky relationship, doesn't mean there cannot be some kind of commitment as there would be in a vanilla one. If your dom doesn't like it, ask him how he would feel if you were with another dom? (I sometimes think dom guys don't think about that aspect, see how quickly he gets jealous!) But hey I'm fiesty, and I could be wrong with my thinking/ideas.(I'm sure someone will say thats playing games) But its just my opinion really.

Stay strong, and good luck

Love Fi x

P.s I will be back to see what others suggest, and maybe that might help me too! Good post.

< Message edited by submissfifi -- 10/29/2007 12:21:57 PM >

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 12:39:41 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		First off I am so sorry about your medical situation. In all honesty to me this is a compatibility issue and not about what is right or wrong or can this work.

We as human beings have certain needs and desires. Sex to just plain face to face time is not something we can intellectually just agree on and live by. Same thing with timing and what we want out of a relationship what we need and want cannot be tossed aside to a verbal agreement and hope.

I do not know his reasons or the ones stated are true or not. I do not know if he only thinks of you as a fun play thing. I do know though he is not interested in pursuing a long term total relationship with you at this time and I know there is no switch in his head that he can turn on when he or more importantly you want him to based on some tangible accomplishments.

Some choices:

1) Stay the way things are and hope his switch gets turned on at some point but be prepared to always be that fun thing with no commitments.

2) Put your cards on the table and communicate what you need and how you need the relationship to progress and see if he steps up to the plate.

3) Instead of investing all your time, effort and hopes on this man, invest your time finding the one who fits you better.

In my totally bias opinion a relationship is generally moving forward or is a never going to be one situation. I just think between the distance and what he has clearly communicated to you that if I was in your shoes I would dread that I am throwing a lot of time away on a man who probably will not step up to what I want and need.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 12:46:07 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		I think you need to be honest with yourself.  Ask yourself if waiting around for him to finally be ready is worth the risk.  He might choose someone else and then you'll have wasted time you can't get back.  If a certain action isn't worth enduring the possible consequences, you shouldn't go through with it.  Maybe you could try being less committed.  But I've always found it really hard (almost impossible) to withdraw my feelings like that, so I opted for ending communication with the person.

He sounds like a decent friend, but maybe that's all he can be for you right now.  Waiting around or pushing for more might not work out so well.  Who knows?  I hope you make the decision that's right for you.  And I hope you recover well from all this bad stuff that's happened.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 1:06:07 PM   
HottLicks


Posts: 174
Joined: 9/21/2007
Status: offline 		I really hope that things settle down for you onesweetsubbie.  Being ill myself and having worked with a lot of ill people, I had to make a comment or two.  Anyone who does what this man did, cares.  If he cares, he is invested to some degree.  Having an ad or profile doesn't mean he is looking for a sexual partner.  He could be like many who are just friendly and wanting to meet new people.  Could he have other motives?  Sure... but that is when you might go on everything he has ever said with you.  Has he been honest?  If so, proceed as if he is telling you the truth and is faithful to the agreement you made together.  If not... you know what to do... be careful. 

It is easier to see his truth in all else and accept it all as truth than to question the unknown from an insecure place.  You don't need that on top of everything else.  Could it all play into things?  Of course and may to some degree, but you can top that by reasoning everything out.

Good luck to you both and I hope all is happy, happy!

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 1:15:03 PM   
maclough


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline 		Not sure if this is a help or not, but.  I live with my Owner and have for nearly three years now and He still has his CM account up and all his others, He enjoys talking to people and well, no I don't think he's looking to replace me, at first it bothered me, but you know what, he's here still.  Before he moved here though it was the same thing and I totally get what you are saying, but first off you need to feel secure in yourself.  I hope that helps somewhat.

_____________________________

huggs, kisses, whips and chains

Labels BAH

(in reply to HottLicks)
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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 1:26:04 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

In the beginning we agreed that we would only sleep with each other.  He was free to talk to others as well as I, but no sex.  He did talk to others, but I didn't.  I had no desire.  He has said that he is staying around because he can see a future and when he is ready to commit it will most likely be me.


Has the sex thingy changed? And what does he consider sex? Would you be upset if he played with, but did not have intercourse with another woman?

(in reply to maclough)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 1:32:55 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		I actually had a conversation with him about being with someone else.  We had the conversation of having a threesome and I turned it around and asked if he would be comfortable seeing me having sex with another man and he reacted with a "hell no".  I don't want to play games with him, but I thought that it was a valid question to ask.  There is a part of me that has thought about putting up my ad again just to see what is out there.  I don't really know what I am looking for, especially after everything that has happened.  Right now, he is the only man that I trust.

(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 1:40:39 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Two of my close male friends have said a man that isn't interested wouldn't have flown in for two days after surgery and stayed with me while in the hospital and brought me home.  The training that he went through was a month long and he said that he would never have anyone with him while this was going on, but he had me down there when things were the worst for me.

He has said, "I am having sex with only you, what more do you want?".  His career is a commercial pilot and I asked him about the ads and he said that "they are an ego boost", "I don't get many responses", "I get lonely and they are people to talk to". 

Still, I feel insecure and jealous.  I am thinking that I need to re-read the chapter on Jealousy in "The Ethical Slut".

(in reply to HottLicks)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 1:43:45 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		That does help because he has said "I am here with you, I am sleeping with you".  There is part of me that wants to just run and hide.  To push him away, but I think it would be a bad idea. 

The emotional part of me is in hyper-drive and I hate it.  I hate feeling like I am running on pure emotion and no logical thought.  Apparently this is "normal", but I don't feel like it.

(in reply to maclough)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 1:45:26 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		No, the sex agreement has not changed.  He has said that if it were to come up, we would talk about it.  This is just confusing and makes me feel unsure.

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 2:13:33 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		I am fairly happy with the fact that the people I have had a significant relationship with have become friends.  It may have taken awhile, but it usually happened.  There are only two men that I am not on friendly terms with and I was married to one and had a child with another. 

I know that it is a risk that he could chose someone else.  The same thing can be said for me, I could find someone else as well.  I just know right now, I can't look for someone else.  It wouldn't be fair to them at all.

I don't know what the right thing to do is right now.  I am doing good to just get out of bed and taking a shower.  Shaving my legs is another thing .

There is a part of me that wants to put a halt to everything and let me deal with what I have to deal with, but it scares me that I will lose him in my life.  He has told me that I won't lose him, but I am scared.  What if he forgets me?

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 2:15:52 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		So you can't ever ever ever bump uglies with another man...But if he meets a woman, he'll discuss it with you? Is this a warning sign to anyone else?

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 2:19:40 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I can related to almost everything you have written.  Jealousy is a hard emotion to deal with, it is hard to tell when it is real and justified and when it isn't real and isn't justified.  It all hurts though and drives you nuts.

Your friends were right, the man is going out of the way to be with you at a time when you are not "servicing his needs" so to speak.  That comes from a place of caring.

I can't speak for him but I can make a few educated guesses about you from your posts.  You have some drama swirling around you and some changes going on in your life.  Deal with those, focus on yourself and move yourself forward.  This isn't idle advice, it is how I deal with being with my woman, a creature so divine I am sure the universe created her for me.  There are issues that make me doubt we will end up together, some external, many internal.  I fortify myself by saying everything I do to move myself forward to be with her, makes me a better more desirable and happy person anyway.  It ain't perfect and it isn't easy.

Also, when you mean someone amazing, few of us have such perfectly secure ego's that that very trait of them being amazing triggers our own insecurity because we don't think of ourselves as amazing.  Allow yourself to be amazing and to try and see how he sees you.  I know that helps me a lot to step outside myself and try and see myself through her eyes. 

As for playing games to bring him closer, if games work to bring him closer he isnt the man you want.  We still struggle a bit with this although we have made great progress.  Instead be the woman of integrity you want to be and allow yourself to think enough of yourself that if that isn't enough for him, if the amazing woman you are isn't enough, do you really want him after all?

Instead, surrender yourself to him.  Demand the best of him but if he is giving that to you, surrender into him.  It isn't an easy balance, to expect the best from someone, realize that best isn't the same as perfection, and to allow yourself to lose yourself into each other.

Relationships are hard, as effortless as mine is, there are times I hurt her or press a button and there are times she does the same to me.  The difference is we allow each other to make mistakes, true mistakes, all while expecting and demanding the best (not perfection) from each other and together we make a sum vastly greater than either of us apart.

I wish you the best of luck and if you need anything, I am always happy to offer unsolicited advice!

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 2:41:54 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		I am sorry that I wasn't clear, if he wants to have sex with someone, we will discuss it.  I have the same option, I just have to discuss it with him.

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 2:48:13 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		But did he still respond with "Hell no!" when you asked about it?

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 2:57:56 PM   
onesweetsubbie


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		He was quiet about it when I asked him about sleeping with other men.  He said he didn't know how he would react if that ever happened.  

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 3:12:03 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		I have this sneaking suspcsioun that poly just isn't for him, for if both parties do it, he will get all jealous. However, he's been a tremondous support to you, so I don't even know what to think of him, or what to say other then be cautious around poly with this one.

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 3:16:09 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onesweetsubbie

He has said that he is staying around because he can see a future and when he is ready to commit it will most likely be me.



I'd take some of my eggs out of that basket, if I were you, but that's just me.

Really, sweet, it sounds like you see him as a savior sort, kind of like women who fall in love with the doctors who deliver their babies. He gave you some care. He also still has ads up and is not even coming close to committing to you although he has you on the hook very nicely.

(in reply to onesweetsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 4:57:36 PM   
MsIncontrol


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline 		Here is what I think...and believe me I have been in your shoes so no judgement...just a little advice.

I don't think he is making you a priority.  Sure, he has been there when you needed him but he is keeping you at arms length.  A man that was really that into you wouldn't let a job, distance, your issues get in the way.  I read on this site from somewhere..don't make someone a priority that is keeping you only an option or something of the sort and I think that applies here.  I think it is one of those things where he really isn't that into you...but you are there.

He is probably a nice guy, maybe he doesn't really want to deal with all the stuff you have going on right now...and he really likes you but wants to see if you get your life together or if you are just one of those people who thrive in problems.

Either way, I would "date" him.  That doesn't mean you can't date anyone else.  Keep your options open...he is.

_____________________________

Happiness is only real when shared. - Christopher McCandless

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 20
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