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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 6:10:11 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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That and the rest of his claims sounds like an utter crock of bullshit. He shouldn't of been courting you if he couldn't take on the responcibilities of a relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: onesweetsubbie

Background... I met a dominant guy through another site. We started talking in February and finally met in June. We have seen each other pretty much once a month for a few days. In August, we got to spend a week together while he was in training in DC. We pretty much talk to each other datily, but sometimes there is a stretch of time that we don't

I have strong feelings for him and he says he does for me as well. He said he can't commit to anyone at this moment and that he doesn't want to start a relationship while all these major life changes are happening

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 8:12:14 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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I say mash together what Michael and Toservez said with a dash of LA tough nuts added on top.

I don't think either of you are ready to get into a secure long term relationship with the other, for a variety of reasons, but primarily YOUR sense of responsible security, mainly that you lack it. You can't build a strong stable relationship unless you are a strong stable person. The lack of stability and security combined with everything else says this just isn't right for now.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 8:30:43 PM

secretagentgirl

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
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There is a book called "He's Just Not That Into You."
Seriously... if he were feeling what you are feeling he would take his ad down. You have to acknowledge that he feels differently than you do. That doesn't mean he NEVER will. But if you want total commitment now, you won't get it from him.
Riding it out is a gamble that could pay off or not. The question is whether you want to risk the potential blow to your self-esteem to risk it. Only you can decide.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 8:44:40 PM

hejira92

Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
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My Master has the same ad up as when I first contacted Him. He put a lot of thought into it and likes it. (He did add some journal entries that make it clear He is involved.)

Also, He doesn't share His toys- so, other men are out of the question for me, but if He wanted another woman......I'd ask if I could watch (teehee).

So these are not the red flags some of you are making them out to be.

Look at the Dom's actions- caring for her after surgery? He certainly didn't have to do that for a "play date". (Master did this for me before He formally collared me and it totally cemented in my mind that He cares for Me, the woman, not just the sub).

I think LA has called it once again "You can't build a strong stable relationship unless you are a strong stable person. "

I think the OP is falling into the trap of over-thinking and not listening to what the man is telling her by words and actions. He cares, he is not ready. And if she does something drastic, like playing around, she will lose the chance. She should just continue and let the relationship develop as it will. Insecurity and jealousy are sure fire ways to sabotage anything that might be.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 8:53:13 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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He's been honest with you, he isn't ready to commit. Believe him when he says that because it's true.

If in a few months when he has more time to focus on relationships, he decides he is ready to commit, you decide at that time if you're ready and if he's the right one. If he comes back in five years and says he's ready, you'll decide then if you're available and interested.

But believe him when he says he isn't ready, and don't put your life on hold hoping he will suddenly become willing to commit to you because the odds are highly against that. Be grateful he's been such a good friend and go on like this until you're ready to move on. Make your decisions on what is best for you, not for him.

And good luck, you've been through too much too fast.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:04:08 PM

sweetdemure

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/4/2007
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I have been with the same Dominant for 6 years ....he has asked to married me and that is where it stands....once in a while he talks about how I would look in a wedding dress ...he just smiles and then he on to something else ....any thoughts on this matter ?

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:11:31 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
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What I find over and over again is that subs walk into d/s relationships with expectations molded by the vanilla world, and they're disappointed and resentful when they discover that our world doesn't work that way.

If he wants a threesome with you and another girl, that doesn't mean he's required to accept a threesome with you and another guy.

If he wants you, that doesn't mean he's required to take his profiles down.

A d/s relationship is not Even-Steven. That's why vanillas can't understand it. Relationships work when you understand yourself well enough to know what makes you happy (and what doesn't), and then find someone else honest enough to give you what you need (and not what you don't). Until you have that self-knowledge, you're never going to be satisfied in ANY relationship, vanilla or otherwise. So you can either accept what he's doing or don't--of course that's your decision, because no one else in the world knows whether you can still be happy in a relationship like that. But the biggest mistake you can make is to assume that the parameters of your relationship should be the same as what ordinary society expects.

quote:

ORIGINAL: onesweetsubbie

I actually had a conversation with him about being with someone else. We had the conversation of having a threesome and I turned it around and asked if he would be comfortable seeing me having sex with another man and he reacted with a "hell no". I don't want to play games with him, but I thought that it was a valid question to ask. There is a part of me that has thought about putting up my ad again just to see what is out there. I don't really know what I am looking for, especially after everything that has happened. Right now, he is the only man that I trust.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:20:02 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetdemure
I have been with the same Dominant for 6 years ....he has asked to married me and that is where it stands....once in a while he talks about how I would look in a wedding dress ...he just smiles and then he on to something else ....any thoughts on this matter ?

Why don't you ask him if he still wants to get married and, if so, when he wants it to happen?

_____________________________

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:22:01 PM

onesweetsubbie

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
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Before I found out about the hysterectomy and before the attack, I was stable. The only thing was that I was looking for a job and decided to take the summer off so I could spend it with my UM. The only thing I asked of him was to follow through, if he said he was going to call, to call. That wasn't a problem.

I am not looking for a pity party, but in the matter of six weeks I have felt like my body has betrayed me and then it was hurt by an idiot. I have run the gamut of emotions.

I want to be stable again, I just don't know how to get through all of this. I have a professional to talk to, but boy did it drag some crap up today.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:26:17 PM

sweetdemure

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/4/2007
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Well I have asked that question , a few times now ....and he tells me that I'm being pushy and he will decide ; it will happen in his time ...Sighs

< Message edited by sweetdemure -- 10/29/2007 9:28:03 PM >

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:26:31 PM

TripleDkitty

Posts: 15
Joined: 10/12/2007
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Honey, I can tell you what I think all day long, but the reality is I have not lived in His soul, heart, and mind, nor have you sis...sorry. The opinion I give will be biased because of my past and filtered through whatever lenses I see the world, men, D/s, relationships, etc. to be. So, what I know today is breath, enjoy the moment, don't sweat the small stuff, and the only big deals are life and death. You seem to be wasting the precious moments you do have with Him, worrying about what will happen tomorrow....just cherish Him for today.

(in reply to MsIncontrol)

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Post #: 31

RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:26:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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So more evidence of insecurity and not ready to take on a long term relationship with someone who has honestly said he's not ready for it.

What more do you really need?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:29:54 PM

onesweetsubbie

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

My Master has the same ad up as when I first contacted Him. He put a lot of thought into it and likes it. (He did add some journal entries that make it clear He is involved.)

Also, He doesn't share His toys- so, other men are out of the question for me, but if He wanted another woman......I'd ask if I could watch (teehee).

So these are not the red flags some of you are making them out to be.

Look at the Dom's actions- caring for her after surgery? He certainly didn't have to do that for a "play date". (Master did this for me before He formally collared me and it totally cemented in my mind that He cares for Me, the woman, not just the sub).

I think LA has called it once again "You can't build a strong stable relationship unless you are a strong stable person. "

I think the OP is falling into the trap of over-thinking and not listening to what the man is telling her by words and actions. He cares, he is not ready. And if she does something drastic, like playing around, she will lose the chance. She should just continue and let the relationship develop as it will. Insecurity and jealousy are sure fire ways to sabotage anything that might be.

Before all of the crap hit the fan, I was totally ok with things. But something changed along the lines and I don't know when it was. I do look at the actions such as after surgery seeing me, having me come down to where he was so I could feel safe while he was handling training to fly a 767, not sleeping one of those nights because I was a basket case and reacted to him negatively.

I just want to feel normal again. All of this stuff in the past 6 weeks has really shaken me. He has been wonderful through all of this.

(in reply to hejira92)

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Post #: 33

RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 9:38:54 PM

onesweetsubbie

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

So more evidence of insecurity and not ready to take on a long term relationship with someone who has honestly said he's not ready for it.

What more do you really need?

Where in the response was there evidence of more insecurity?

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 10:00:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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"I have a professional to talk to, but boy did it drag some crap up today."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 11:18:00 PM

slave4urneeds

Posts: 47
Joined: 3/19/2007
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First off i want to say that i am very sorry to hear about the incident that you had to endure. i am glad to hear that you got out safe.

Secondly sounds like you have alot to deal with in your own life just as he does. Maybe now is not the best time for you to be looking for a committed relationship. i have been through a very similar situation. An abuse ex husband and then having to also go through a hysterectomy and tried to keep a semi serious relationship alive. All of these thing combined with daily life and stresses, a job and seeking a new job and possible relocation. It became a total nightmare for me and i reached a true breaking point. i would never wish any of those feelings on anyone, not even my enemy.

Right now you need to take care of you and nothing else. If he sticks around for you then so be it, if he moves on then oh well he wasnt the one. Sure it is nice to have the support and the warm feelings that you get from him. Hopefully he will continue to at least be your friend through all of these things regardless of what he decides to do.

It is very difficult to do the balancing act that we as women have to do. You are adding alot of pressue into the mix that maybe at this time might not be the best thing for your situation. Remember take care of yourself first because no one else is going to do it for you! Hope all goes well for you.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/29/2007 11:36:41 PM

onesweetsubbie

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
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Insecurity for me is not feeling good enough. Talking to a professional and saying that it dragged up some crap is not saying that I was feeling that way. Saying that it dragged up crap means for me that it was stuff that I hadn't thought about in awhile.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

"I have a professional to talk to, but boy did it drag some crap up today."

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/30/2007 8:43:21 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
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Sometimes we go through times like this where we get knocked down and then we get knocked down again while we are already down. At that point, we see things in a diffrent light. Things that we enjoyed no longer brings that enjoyment, and what we want in life is no longer the same. We start to go through a time of transformation, and hopifully to be a stronger person. I see you at that point right now. :)

As for the Dom, he isn't ready for a commitment and that is very clear. He can give you reasons tell he is blue in the face to justify it, but that is really all hog wash. Those who are ready or even not ready for a commitment but want a growing relationship see difficulties as way to grow closer not farther apart. Also remember, life is going to be full of bumps in the road. If some bumps now keep you from getting closer then those in the long run will too. I do give him credit for being a good friend and (as you know) that is always someone great to have around no matter where the relationship might go.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/30/2007 9:39:00 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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I agree with CrazyC about his friendship. He obviously cares about you or he wouldn't have bothered to help you.

He's just not committing to you, which isn't a bad thing! He could tell you he was committing and then just do whatever behind your back. He's being honest. It would help me believe him more about the sex thing than if he claimed there was only you but continued to have his ads up.

I have a hard time trusting people as it is. I don't necessarily think he will be sexually fidelitous - he's a pilot, will be travelling extensively (if not already) and it's available. You know? And even if he's not fidelitous, is that so bad? If he's a very good friend who cares about you ... eh! No foul really. It's all about what you want, what you expect, and what reality is.

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RE: Dating a Dominant - 10/30/2007 10:16:31 AM

onesweetsubbie

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/9/2007
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I have felt that everything that has happened is going to change me quite a deal. There are some ideas that have died and some I never knew I had. I am just going to try to get through all this.

I sent him an email last night telling him how I felt on every topic and he responded telling me that trying to force things is how they get broken. If it happens, it happens, if not, I did have fun while it was going on.

(in reply to CrazyC)

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