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Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 8:08:42 AM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		A conversation with another submissive yesterday sparked a couple of questions. 

For Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses... Do you set goals for your relationships with your subs/slaves?  What is your philosophy on providing direction for the relationship?  Do you feel structure of some sort is necessary for a successful D/s or M/s relationship?

For the submissives and slaves... What about the flip side of that?  Do you know the goals for your relationship?  How much direction or structure do you have in your relationship?  Do you feel some amount of structure is necessary for a successful relationship?


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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 8:09:43 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		I think every comitted couple should have goals and a life plan-not just d/s ones.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 8:17:52 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

For Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses... Do you set goals for your relationships with your subs/slaves? 


Yes, and I base them in part on what I desire of her and the relationship, and in part on what goals she has for herself and the relationship.  And I want both of us to know and understand those goals prior to committing to one another, so that we both know what our mutual expectations are and whether we're compatible.

quote:


What is your philosophy on providing direction for the relationship? 


I don't mind providing some guidance and being a "compass", but if we both aren't headed in the same general direction to begin with I'd have to question whether or not we're compatible.

quote:


Do you feel structure of some sort is necessary for a successful D/s or M/s relationship?


I believe that structure is absolutely vital in my relationships, and accept that it can be more or less vital in other people's relationships.  For me, it's the difference between thinking about a power exchange relationship and living it.
 
John

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 8:23:13 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		RRafe thank you for expanding my mind. It never occured to me to have a life plan.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 8:51:03 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I agree with what both Rafe and Rover wrote. I expect my Master to be the leader in our relationship and have a strong vision of how he wants to live both in the day to day aspects and long term. It is my responsibility to know myself and find that Master to which this vision is compatible and to commit myself fully to his way of life.

In terms of how much direction and goals it depends on the relationship and again comes back to compatibility. I am not one who can handle micromanaging but to me micromanaging only comes into play on things a dominant want to control that really has no direct cause and effect between the two or the dominant in view of reality. My definition of micromanaging it is often what the two people in the relationship agree to/compatibility.

So to me goals are just something anybody has in a relationship that both people need to be in agreement with. Speaking strictly about my own relationship I sought out a Master who had goals firmly in place that I could commit to and not some sort of merging/negotiating situation. I do not need direction, especially if it comes off like I am dumb and weak, for most things other then what I need to do for my Master and our relationship.

I am a fan of structure and sought that out in my search. I believe creating an atmosphere of how we want to live day to day is a huge thing that often goes undervalued and for me personally structure is a vital aspect of creating that atmosphere.


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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 8:57:00 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I think that structure is important in any facet of life. But more so in living this lifestyle.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 9:33:26 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		What? There's more than sex?

Seriously, I think relationship goals are something you should be very sure that you're on the same page on upfront before you even meet.  After that I see these relationship type issues as more vanilla type equal discussion things than role driven. Having either party feel like they can't openly discuss relationship issues, I have found, is a recipie for disaster.

I guess structure would be more d/s type stuff if what you are referring to is rules, limits, expectations, etc.  As a sub that I would leave to the Dom/me with the exception that it cannot interfere with my work life.
l

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 10:01:40 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

A conversation with another submissive yesterday sparked a couple of questions. 

For Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses... Do you set goals for your relationships with your subs/slaves?  What is your philosophy on providing direction for the relationship?  Do you feel structure of some sort is necessary for a successful D/s or M/s relationship?

For the submissives and slaves... What about the flip side of that?  Do you know the goals for your relationship?  How much direction or structure do you have in your relationship?  Do you feel some amount of structure is necessary for a successful relationship?





Honestly, no I can't say that we have goals in the relationship.  I'm his, have been his for a while and I'm having problems figuring out what goals we'd have. 

In terms of structure, I tend to think a very explicitly stated structure with rules, blah, blah, blah is really sub-focused and sub-oriented and not necessarily a good thing.  I think its very reassuring for the submissive, but I don't think thats really reason enough to set up some elaborate strucutre - if anything I think those sorts of structures are stifiling for the dominant and don't really teach the submissive flexibility or adaptation.  Instead they can rely on rules in a very rigid sort of manner.

C~

Edited to add: I think structure in of itself isn't a bad thing - however a rigidly and non-organic defined structure of rules, protocols, and rituals is what I was talking about.  A fluid structure that really is based off the dominants desires that flows and changes with them is what I find more preferrable.


< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 11/1/2007 10:05:08 AM >

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 10:03:31 AM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I was brought up with a somewhat schizo approach to this: On one hand, yes, you should have some general idea of where you want your lives to go together... on the other hand, you should realize the real life has a way of throwing a handful of gravel into those particular turning gears of life plans.

I have a hard time forgetting that a couple people I was hoping to spend some happy years with, simply disappeared. One on a ride on their motorcycle, thanks to a drunk driver, and another passed due to their inability to cope with their illness, and the stigma people gave it.

So far, my wife and I have achieved about 80% of what we set out to do in the last 23 years... we managed to manipulate our finances so that we own our home and land outright. We have jobs that we actually enjoy, instead of having to take ones that we hate at a higher payscale, just to survive. We have less than $3k of debt at any one time, and have almost enough money in the bank that we could pay it all off, if needed. Now I'm working on expanding my extended family, have recently found a Domme who seems interested in a LTR, and am generally trying to bring the local kink community together. My wife is working on her artistic abilities, and my Domme is busily working on adapting her life more to her bi-poly liking as well...

But, it could all turn sour in a shockingly short time. All it would take is a minor natural disaster, or an illness, or a family crisis. Our plans are more in the nature of contingency rather than "Hey, let's tour the UK next summer..." (We may do that in a couple more years, but the plans aren't solid right now.) Long term plans for us are more like... "let's squirrel some more money over here, where the tax man won't be able to get it until we retire..." or... "Let's think about what the limitations are to our open relationship, I think we need to redefine who we're looking for now..."

So, yes, plan for the future, but keep yourself flexible.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 10:10:18 AM   
wintersbreath


Posts: 23
Status: offline
I do believe that some amount of structure is necessary in any relationship for it flourish; however, I do not believe that it is only for those in D/s or M/s relationships.
I also firmly believe that structure is needed outside of our personal, intimate relationships and that we rely on our own self-imposed boundaries to maintain that structure.
Structuring our lives; setting goals, large and small, both personal and professional; give us guidance in life, a direction in which to go when our own desires become hazy or unclear. I would not want to live a life of endless wandering, picking a path simply because it is there and the easy way to go. ( I know others would not think of it in this way, but it is how I look at it )
As for others choosing the goals and guidelines that I would live by; sometimes it is necessary to follow the advice of others. However, I would not be able to live happily knowing that my every choice was being made by another.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 10:11:36 AM   
fungasm


Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline 		I think the most terrifying thing one can hear is "We need to talk."  Goals and direction... Now I can see about having sexual goals when it comes to bondage and endurance and pleasure...

But when it comes to relationships, I would rather do than plan.  

Alison

_____________________________

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

Blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 4:02:05 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

What? There's more than sex?



Ha!  That made me grin :)

We don't have written, laid out, set in stone goals.  But since the beginning, he's always made me aware of the path he was taking us on, and what to expect, and what he expected of me, and what I could expect of him....as well as what I shouldn't expect of him.  Periodically he will have me write on a topic having to do with where I see myself as his slave, and what it means to me, so we both can learn where my head is and so he can know exactly where on that path we are.

Nothing about the relationship itself has come as a surprise to me.  It's worked well for us.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 4:06:07 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3
For Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses... Do you set goals for your relationships with your subs/slaves? 

Yes.

quote:

What is your philosophy on providing direction for the relationship? 

"Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear"  -Joss Whedon

In other words- if we do not fight together, surely we will die alone.
quote:


Do you feel structure of some sort is necessary for a successful D/s or M/s relationship?

Ms and Ds IS a structure, as is vanilla.  But I do not think there necessarily needs to be any structure for a relationship.
quote:


For the submissives and slaves... What about the flip side of that?  Do you know the goals for your relationship?  How much direction or structure do you have in your relationship?  Do you feel some amount of structure is necessary for a successful relationship?

Interesting, why do you ask questions that sound like the masters are the ones setting the goals and the subs are the ones following?

What about subs who set goals for masters?  What about Ms relationships which set goals together and for eachother and the relationship?

Some people might be surprised to know I have serious goals and standards for my relationship because I'm such a free flowing go with the energy type person.  But while I might not care what happens TONIGHT, I care about how a hundred nights from now will be different from tonight, and how they are all connected to eachother.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 4:51:09 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Interesting, why do you ask questions that sound like the masters are the ones setting the goals and the subs are the ones following?

What about subs who set goals for masters?  

**********************

The questions were asked in what I hoped was a way to keep things simple.  I personally like to be involved in the goal-setting process, but wanted to hear the opinions of each side of the slash.  Also, while, personally, I choose to be involved in the process, it has been my experience that masters generally have the final say in what goals will be adopted for the relationship. 

As for what I quoted in red... I was fascinated by this!!  I have never been in or witnessed first hand a BDSM relationship where the sub set goals for her master.  I can see how such a situation would happen as I am and have known some very driven people who just happen to be submissive as well, but, other than choosing a master who is as driven as I am and who would actively work to make sure the relationship grew, I honestly never thought of subs setting goals for the masters. 

I would love to hear others' comments on this as well.


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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 4:52:11 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you to all who have commented.  I've enjoyed reading your responses.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 4:59:34 PM   
Invictus754


Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

What about subs who set goals for masters?  


"You put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig". 
No matter how they introduce themselves - the one setting goals is the Master.

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If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 7:13:32 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Interesting, why do you ask questions that sound like the masters are the ones setting the goals and the subs are the ones following?

What about subs who set goals for masters?  

**********************

The questions were asked in what I hoped was a way to keep things simple.  I personally like to be involved in the goal-setting process, but wanted to hear the opinions of each side of the slash.  Also, while, personally, I choose to be involved in the process, it has been my experience that masters generally have the final say in what goals will be adopted for the relationship. 

As for what I quoted in red... I was fascinated by this!!  I have never been in or witnessed first hand a BDSM relationship where the sub set goals for her master.  I can see how such a situation would happen as I am and have known some very driven people who just happen to be submissive as well, but, other than choosing a master who is as driven as I am and who would actively work to make sure the relationship grew, I honestly never thought of subs setting goals for the masters. 

I would love to hear others' comments on this as well.




Laughs..it's simple. No sub in her right mind chooses a Top who cannot take care of the basics.

By agreeing to his rules regarding life and finances that favor them both-she usually gets a pretty damn good grip on him.

HE set up the rules and structure-and HE has to enforce them...

On himself-as well as her.

When you have a relationship involving a leash-there is a person attached to each end.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 10:27:23 PM   
insistentone


Posts: 21
Joined: 7/17/2007
Status: offline 		I am a firm believer in Dom's providing relationship maintenance. I don't think that it is always necessary, but it is in my relationship. My wife will admitt that she sucks at relationships.

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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/1/2007 10:27:49 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3
For Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses... Do you set goals for your relationships with your subs/slaves?  What is your philosophy on providing direction for the relationship?  Do you feel structure of some sort is necessary for a successful D/s or M/s relationship


I have a household manual.I also work with my slave so that we work together towards their goals, if I feel they're good goals (so far, I haven't run across a really bad one).

As far as structure...structure is one of the two things that make our relationships different than others. The other is the transfer of authority. Having these two together defines us.

Master Fire


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RE: Goals and direction in D/s relationships - 11/2/2007 12:03:22 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

For the submissives and slaves... What about the flip side of that?  Do you know the goals for your relationship?  How much direction or structure do you have in your relationship?  Do you feel some amount of structure is necessary for a successful relationship?



The structure to me is all in the interaction, the dynamic, the way you communicate with each other.

I'm in the process of setting up with my new Domme a final M/s relationship. This final M/s relationship is the goal. This is what she wants, this is why we are together. She decides, I respond, this is the structure. Together we look at the immediate situation, and establish the relationship between the immediate situation and the goal, this is our strategy. There is no plan, we don't need one, because we have both a structure and a strategy.

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