RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary?

RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (Full Version)

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kyraofMists -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:26:24 PM)
I am coming back to add that probably one of the reasons that aftercare is not a big deal for me is because I am in a relationship where I get that kind of care on a daily basis whether we play or not. This is just a normal part of how we interact and when we play there isn't a need for different interactions between us. Knight's Kyra

twistedkytten -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:31:52 PM)
I have to say, that it is the same here too.. also wished to note... much of the "drop" is caused in part to the loss of electrolites and sugars during a "scene" is it not?

sammy7626 -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:36:54 PM)
After care is very important to me after a scene...I suffer from very hard bottom drop without it, even when playing with my hubby, actually, especially when I am playing with him. I have also discovered, the harder or deeper a scene goes, especially with the harder physical aspects, he requires aftercare as well. I don't think he's ever identified it as "top drop" but I know from experience it has a disturbing effect on him if he doesn't get the same reassurance from me that he is still loved, and that I still like him even when he explores the darker parts of his top-self.

KnightofMists -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:38:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 In your opinion, if you are in the situation where aftercare can be given, is it discretionary on the part of the Dom/me or a necessity to those that engage in bdsm? If you have the opinion that it is up to the Dom/me, why? and what is your response to the backlash or difficulties the sub/slave may have without aftercare? Aftercare seems to be a great buzz word for many. On occassion aftercare is very much needed and required. However, I am of the opinion that aftercare comes second to pre-care and that the need of aftercare is only increased by inadequate pre-care. Build a house on sand and you will have all sorts of problems.

laurell3 -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:40:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 In your opinion, if you are in the situation where aftercare can be given, is it discretionary on the part of the Dom/me or a necessity to those that engage in bdsm? If you have the opinion that it is up to the Dom/me, why? and what is your response to the backlash or difficulties the sub/slave may have without aftercare? Aftercare seems to be a great buzz word for many. On occassion aftercare is very much needed and required. However, I am of the opinion that aftercare comes second to pre-care and that the need of aftercare is only increased by inadequate pre-care. Build a house on sand and you will have all sorts of problems. Please define pre-care and give examples if you will KoM.

chellekitty -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:45:46 PM)
imediate aftercare is annoying and will ruin my flying...put me somewhere safe where no one else will bother me and leave me alone.... its about 3 days later that i need to know that i am not a piece of shit that will never be loved...of course i don't live with anyone emotionally healthy at this point so that might be part of my problem.......

heartcream -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:52:17 PM)
Some friends of mine helped me to notice this past week that being needy in this day and age is not a bad thing at all. This slant helped me embrace my neediness and even feel some humour about it.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 1:52:43 PM)
As someone once said, aftercare is not a "necessity" it is more a preference thing. Will you die if you receive no aftercare?..of course not..Does it give a feeling of humanity returning on both sides of the slash?..yes, absolutely..I think that amount of aftercare, and time invested in aftercare is usually dependant upon the dynamic being served...ie: casual Top/bottom, met at club,negotiated and scened at whatever level..would call for simply fluids,blanket,and making sure coherency has been restablished..ie: Top/bottom, friends,scened before..would call for a bit more than the simple basics, I feel it would call for a bit of a cuddle (if wanted)and a call the next day to check on each others welfare...ie:.Dominant/submissive relationship,I would presume aftercare preferences have been negotiated and followed through, and frankly and hopefully this particular dynamic would include a LOT of reaffirmation for both....of course,this is all supposition on my part , as I have had no experience in much of this..so feel free to inform me if my thought process is lacking or mistaken...Tempting

KnightofMists -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:00:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 Please define pre-care and give examples if you will KoM. Pre-Care - Before play! Long before I played Kyra she was educated of what play is to me. She actually watched me play as well before I played her. She also spent and an hour with me in the dungeon as I went through various toys and let her learn what the sensations felt like. In the end I took uncertainty away that was and could generate anxiety that would hinder a flow experience. It is also getting her to the mindset to understand that play is about all of us having fun. In the end.. the mindset is the most important thing to me. Her mental approach is to have fun for her and me... WE are going to have fun together. Now after alot of play behind us the Pre-care is about ensuring that the Mindset is in place before play (for her and me). That we are postive and feels good about us. We approach the play to have fun, to feel empowered. Most of all.. no matter where I take her on this road... she is going to be ok at the other end. We both will be better than ok.

SirJohnMandevill -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:04:07 PM)
Not to sound sugary or anything, but I enjoyed aftercare of my former sub almost as much as our play. (Note -- almost![image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m16.gif[/image]) It let us reconnect as human beings and as lovers. I still treasure the satisfied smile on her face as she lay looking up at me. it's my favorite memory of our time together and one we still occasionally remember fondly when talking as friends today. Just my .02 zlotys Les (Friendly Airplane Asylum flack)

MystressDream -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:10:52 PM)
Well.... your "pre-care" sounds like normal everyday "getting to know one another" practices. If that is all she needs to feel loved, secure and safe as she comes down from a journey deep into subspace, so be it. Whatever works for the two of you. Personally, I love the touch and reconnect of aftercare after an intense scene. Especially if I have pushed the sub/slave/bottom into uncharted waters, so to speak. But then, like I said, when I am done with an intense scene, I enjoy the aftercare as much as he/she does, so it is just part of what I do.

kyraofMists -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:13:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 Please define pre-care and give examples if you will KoM. If I can also add to what he has said... Pre-play preparation is about doing things that I know will help get me in the right mindset to play and making sure that I am physically ready for play. Part of that has become going to the gym regularly. The stronger that I have become, the more endurance I have for our play. Also staying hydrated and eating healthy keeps me from crashing physically after play. Buidling security and certainty in our relationship helps me stay in the right mindset and then also knowing that this is supposed to be fun. Last Saturday, I kept stopping myself from spacing out because I was having too much fun. If I went into subspace, I would forget what happened and not be as much of an active participant. We were laughing and having way too much fun to want to miss any part of it. Knight's Kyra

KnightofMists -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:15:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MystressDream Whatever works for the two of you. works for her.. works for Alandra... works for Denika and works for others that I have played with.

MistressPurpleFL -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:16:24 PM)
Aftercare is a MUST for me whether it be personal or professional. It is a necessity that sometimes is decided to be unnecessary.

leadinghand -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:17:21 PM)
I agree with SirJohn, I also enjoy the aftercare part of my job as much as anything. First I would never leave my submissive unattended after we have had an intense time and explored some of our darkest areas of our minds and hearts. I think it might be necessary for both of us. For me to comfort and reassure and for her to be comforted and reassured. What a joy to hold someone who has endured or even begged for pain and ordeal to to honor and celebrate your dominance. And then to be able to offer comfort and build positive things and connect so closed after doing heaven knows what to her. Whatever I have been feeling was burned out on her and I tell her once again hoe proud I am of her, her submission and her ability to trust me. It may be a softer time and even "sugary" as John said, but it is the right thing to do, you are actually looking out for her. I don't get to do that so directly that often. That I can because of who we are is as rewarding as the thrill of getting to that point.

camille65 -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:18:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 In your opinion, if you are in the situation where aftercare can be given, is it discretionary on the part of the Dom/me or a necessity to those that engage in bdsm? If you have the opinion that it is up to the Dom/me, why? and what is your response to the backlash or difficulties the sub/slave may have without aftercare? Well it is discretionary if neither party needs or wants it. I need it, and my dom needs it as well.For us I don't really call it 'aftercare' because it is just part of how we do things. It is part of how we interact especially after engaging in play. I love love being held afterwards when I'm all shaky from the adrenaline and release.I wouldn't crumble to bits or hate myself but it makes the transition from active submissive to everyday submissive blend seamlessly. It isn't to rebuild my self esteem but more of a carryover of the scene. [I don't like the word scene but.. haven't found a better term yet lol]

laurell3 -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:19:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: MystressDream Whatever works for the two of you. works for her.. works for Alandra... works for Denika and works for others that I have played with. I don't have any doubt it works for all of you, I'm just trying to find a way to make it work for me, thus the request for definitions and examples. Thank you for the responses.

RRafe -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:34:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 A recent post and personal experience I had have led me to this question. As always, please don't assume I am baiting or suggesting there is one right answer for all. There is one right answer for me, I have stated it on more than one occasion, aftercare is not negotiable and is mandatory for me as a sub. But I am not everyone and would like to hear your views on it. In your opinion, if you are in the situation where aftercare can be given, is it discretionary on the part of the Dom/me or a necessity to those that engage in bdsm? If you have the opinion that it is up to the Dom/me, why? and what is your response to the backlash or difficulties the sub/slave may have without aftercare? Some bottoms I have played with didn"t want aftercare. They were more than happy and capable of coming down on thier own,and needed to be left alone to do it.

MystressDream -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:34:58 PM)
<laughing> Ok, KnightofMists... I will rephrase... Whatever works for you and for all of your various play partners, collared submissives, owned slaves, etc., etc., etc..... I don't think I will bother to list the people I have interacted with who loved the fact that I do aftercare. I don't think it is relevant to the conversation and could... actually... sound like boasting. <smile> It's all about what works!

MystressDream -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:40:36 PM)
I have a very close friend who is an extremely heavy player when he scenes with his collared girl. She is a very heavy masochist, and some of their scenes make others in the room sit back and just watch. They are much like what you describe, RRafe.... She does not want to be touched after he is done. He takes her down from a cross or whatever apparatus he is using and literally drops her on the floor.... throws a blanket over her... and walks a short distance away and stands there. She needs and wants it that way. She tells me she revels in the space she has reached and being touched is annoying when she is there. Many make comments about his "poor treatment" of her on occasion. These two are engaged, very much in love, and it is just the way their dynamic works. I always tell the gossipers to talk to her. Preferrably when she is lucid. LOL As I keep saying...... Whatever works.

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