RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary?

RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (Full Version)

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laurell3 -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 2:42:37 PM)
Well I actually agree with that, I don't want to attempt to communicate at that point personally. However, the day after when it's someone you do not live with is a different story.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 3:11:37 PM)
It's nice to see an aftercare thread that's not based on "I did this hot scene but didn't talk anything about aftercare and now I feel like crap" It's no different than anything else- decide what works for you and find someone who's going to work with you to get that. And remember that they will expect certain things of you as well which you should agree to before deciding to play. If they don't give what you need and if they expect something you can't give- then you don't play. To suggest that "aftercare" is a one size fits all sort of deal is like asking "Dinner: discretionary or necessary" http://www.collarchat.com/m_1233980/mpage_2/key_aftercare/tm.htm#1235076 aftercare http://www.collarchat.com/m_923867/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#923874 five-minute aftercare http://www.collarchat.com/m_873220/mpage_4/key_aftercare/tm.htm#881084 how long is aftercare required? http://www.collarchat.com/m_772983/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#773055 how much is "too much" aftercare? http://www.collarchat.com/m_725006/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#725011 aftercare, the top side? http://www.collarchat.com/m_598726/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#599129 aftercare in ltr and casual play http://www.collarchat.com/m_495421/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#496775 aftercare- when to offer it and how much? http://www.collarchat.com/m_491455/mpage_1/key_aftercare/tm.htm#492065 aftercare

Prinsexx -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 3:26:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo Many tops/doms need aftercare as well especially if they are starting out because it can feel very frightening to think of what you've done later that day or the next day or the next week and you need reassurance. Because of stereotypes many tops/doms find it hard to make that need clear in negotiation or to even realize it themselves. This is very helpful coming from the perspectuve it does. Ie us by far more difficult when I switch ro come off the high of being a domme and admitto wanting to know, indeed needing to know the girl is ok

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 3:34:45 PM)
It has never occurred to me that my play partner might not like me when we are done playing! I also have to say that I think tops get pretty short shrift as far as aftercare goes, but that's just how it is. Some nice masochist let me go romper stomper on them, I think I can live with having to get my own beverage. Besides, I am probably getting snacks for the person I played with!

Celeste43 -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 5:59:42 PM)
Requirement for me if it's been any good as a scene. If I'm not getting into it and am spending my time thinking about what color to paint the ceiling, it'll be a short scene anyway. But subspace, loopy, unable to walk in a straight line? And then told to run along home which would require driving in that drunken like condition? Totally unacceptable. If we play in the morning usually there's time for me to nap for 15 minutes. That helps a lot. If I can't take a catnap, we have errands to do, he takes the wheel. Hell, he's taken the shopping cart in the grocery store away from me if he thinks I'm going to wipe out that stack of cans on display. But if he has to run and I do too, we don't play because risking my life with me driving like that is just not right.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 6:57:10 PM)
~ Fast Reply ~ It is discretionary. He's not a big huggy wuggy kind of man. I get what he gives, when he wants to give it. I used to struggle with this, because of how deep into space he takes me and because of some of the extreme things he does with me. He likes me going as deep as possible, and holding back is unacceptable to him. Often times now he will just stay with me as I rest. There are times, however, when he does not. But I've come to a point where I have learned to bring myself back from such deep places, so he doesn't have to. It works well for both of us. Really though, to add to the "pre-care" discussion, I feel his love and care all the time, and I draw on that if I am dropping. So I don't need aftercare; it's a nice-to-have and I am always grateful for it, but there are times I have been left in a heap and I do OK. To add to this, I am usually sent to my cousin's after he plays me hard (many here may know we do not live together) and I'll spend a night with her, usually the day after I return home. She takes good care of me and keeps me company, as he tends to be distant for a couple of days after the extreme stuff. But I always journal to him after he uses me for play, and that helps me work through it and keeps him in the know about everything going on in my head.

breatheasone -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 7:25:27 PM)
I'll second what LA said...

RRafe -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 7:44:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MystressDream I have a very close friend who is an extremely heavy player when he scenes with his collared girl. She is a very heavy masochist, and some of their scenes make others in the room sit back and just watch. They are much like what you describe, RRafe.... She does not want to be touched after he is done. He takes her down from a cross or whatever apparatus he is using and literally drops her on the floor.... throws a blanket over her... and walks a short distance away and stands there. She needs and wants it that way. She tells me she revels in the space she has reached and being touched is annoying when she is there. Many make comments about his "poor treatment" of her on occasion. These two are engaged, very much in love, and it is just the way their dynamic works. I always tell the gossipers to talk to her. Preferrably when she is lucid. LOL As I keep saying...... Whatever works. A lot of the past masochists I played with were into objectification, humiliation and hard use. They liked to be able to just let go-and feel the sensations. They also didn't care to be talked to during scenes-it kept bringing them back from where they wanted to go-very distracting. So they liked pretty much what the girl you mentioned did-to be dropped somehwere out of the way, and covered so they didn't get cold. One of them took a long time to finish flying-hours.........My "nice aftercare" for her consited of putting a disposable diaper on her right after she was let loose-she hated even getting up to pee. Others had to be absolutely smothered with constant attention........I wondered at how fragile they seemed to be-but did my best. Of the two kinds, I liked the meat girls best. Not because of the attention factor. I just enjoyed thier mental and physical toughness-they were a lot more fun. Gave me a LOT less to worry over. And believe me-if something was wrong-they didn't bite it back out of worry of being "displeasing." The fluffy girls did,lead to huge guilt trips for me-not my favorite thing to have to deal with after a fun session.

juliaoceania -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/3/2007 7:56:21 PM)
There are times that I need aftercare, and times I do not... it is his discretion. He has used his discretion wisely. I think that if one is going to trust a person to put them into subspace, they should trust the same person to give them the care they will need later. I do not always need extra attention when we are done, I have to trust that he can see when I do need something from him... otherwise I do not think I would let him put me in flight.

denika -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/5/2007 2:09:25 PM)
After care is also what each person makes it, I play fairly heavy and afterwords I get disoriented if I'm bombarded by people, I need to sit, and touch in some form or another the person I've played with. That connection helps me shut out the background,if at a public event. and in private the talk is usually very personal and adds to the connection already established. I have a weird thing about sitting on the floor, at public events I prefer to sit that way after playing, it keeps alot of the crowd out of my line of vision and there is usually a lot of people that like to come over and talk afterwords but I'm generally given a bit more space if I'm down at his feet and gives me that place I can either put my head on his lap, hold hands or just lean against him. denika

canupleaseme -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/5/2007 2:23:07 PM)
Its very important to me, I think my boy can take it or leave it depending on what we have done. On the 2 occasions where I didnt get aftercare I dropped so badly. I thought it was a bit weird me needing it more than my boy, reading this thread has been reasurring [:)] If we have only had light play then all i want is a hug, if we have had hard play then after I have made sure he is comfortable, watered and warm I want my aftercare of talking about it how it made us feel etc (I get a lot of enjoyment from that) and a hug or a foot rub whatever. It really depends what we have been doing.

forg0ttenclone -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/5/2007 3:40:02 PM)
I totally agree that aftercare is not an option. As a sub, I find aftercare to be mandatory. I've played with someone before that offered no aftercare what so ever. That left me in a depressed state so to speak. Especially after a session that was not so much as play, as much as pure punishment. My mindset was already that of being sorrowful and apologetic as to what i "may" have done. However; once the punishment was said and done and tears were streaming... i was then escorted out the door and that's it. No hug, no conversation, nothing. Just kind of "see-ya" and i was sent on my way. That was a deal-breaker for me. Never will i play again with someone that does not provide aftercare. It is an absolutely necessity, period.

slaveluci -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/5/2007 3:40:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists ...probably one of the reasons that aftercare is not a big deal for me is because I am in a relationship where I get that kind of care on a daily basis whether we play or not. This is just a normal part of how we interact and when we play there isn't a need for different interactions between us Same here. I agree with this as well as what Knight and Ownedgirlie have said. Master consistently provides "care" so it's not particularly necessary after a good beating. It's nice then too but no more necessary really for me................luci

Willowmoon -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/5/2007 5:43:34 PM)
Aftercare is mandatory for me but what I need varies. If we have had a long pain session I tend to need cuddles, someone quiet without too many people bothering me and a blanket. After I have been diciplined I don't tend to want Master to touch me at all but need him to talk to me and tell me that what ever I did is forgiven and that its over. When I don't recieve any kind of aftercare I drop heavily and am down for days. Willow

MasterMataeo -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/6/2007 9:39:56 AM)
its discressionary,,,, but as for me i like the cuddle int time after ,, call me soft,, or what ever,, but i find it binds and more attaching

MsIncontrol -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/6/2007 3:54:00 PM)
I think aftercare is necessary but the amount and type of aftercare is discretionary. In fact, last night my boy and I were discussing how over the top people in our local BDSM group are getting with aftercare. For example, there was a 10 minute scene where a handful of spankings was given...then 45 minutes of laying on the floor next to the spanking bench (so no one else could use it) cuddling, having snacks etc. I understand there are all sorts of circumstances that would make this type of treatment neccessarly for some, but for me the last year especially has felt like people are going overboard with it in our club. Call me callous or uncaring but I give out the amount of aftercare that I feel fits the situation. I mostly play only with my husband or others I know well. If there is an extreme or long scene of course I will provide care until that person is in the right headspace. But for a casual play session...one of my boys will hand you a glass of water...a hug from me...and a short check in 10 minutes later. That's it.

RumpusParable -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/6/2007 7:40:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 In your opinion, if you are in the situation where aftercare can be given, is it discretionary on the part of the Dom/me or a necessity to those that engage in bdsm? If you have the opinion that it is up to the Dom/me, why? and what is your response to the backlash or difficulties the sub/slave may have without aftercare? Really I think this is one of those things that should be touched on beforehand or be familiar enough with the person's personality and play to know what to expect, then decide whether to scene in the first place based on that. I think going into it just assuming that everything after is going to be how you need or like it is just as foolish and responsibility-avoiding as choosing to go blindly into a scene itself. If you don't talk about it first or have a long history of pattern with this person, it's on one's own head if it there is no aftercare and they are prone to needing it... or even just may. I think it's discretionary as anything else in life -for the dominant/top or the sub/bottom. Getting away from the less known person and into a long, established relationship whether it was required or optional for the dominant to give aftercare would depend on the relationship and the scene. But again, that's true for the sub/bottom as well -they may or may not feel that this particular time they want or need it. Depending on the relationship, I would generally say that the option is up to the dominant. If a sub has chosen to be with a dominant that doesn't always give aftercare and they are a person who absolutely must have it, then it's their fault for choosing to be in a relationship where they are not compatible with their mate. Conversely, if they are staying then aftercare can't really be that necessary for them. Also, again depending, there may be a reason for the dominant to not be giving aftercare in certain situations. I mean planned, intentional and with a goal in mind. Some people are heavy into training of various sorts and this can be one of the tools. For that matter, dominants/tops sometimes need aftercare, too. In my personal experience, they need it more often than bottoms/subs. I've rarely played or partnered with a sub that seriously needed aftercare beyond some rest at times... but doms/tops almost constantly seem to be needing care after our scenes. Not all, but most. This is a bit of a repeating issue because I only do play where I'll need aftercare with one person, all the rest of the things I dowith other people I do not need it and I tend to end up with shaken-up tops regularly... On the top side of things, I am not an aftercare person (beyond safety measures like bandaging anything that needs it or such) and avoid play with those that require it.

wisteriaV -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/6/2007 8:24:03 PM)
Aftercare can be some of the most tender, loving and intimate moments in a relationship. I think it is necessary and if a dom doesnt do it it shows that they are selfish pricks.

LadyHugs -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/6/2007 8:36:45 PM)
Dear laurell3, Ladies and Gentlemen, I do aftercare after a scene and a follow up the day after. That said, not everybody wants aftercare after a scene. So, I do ask before a scene. The whole idea of an ending --is to leave a person in a good place in their mind, emotions and physical realms. To assume a standard practice of aftercare, although wished by slaves/submissives and or bottoms 99% of the time--the 1% still needs equal treatment in my eyes and not given the aftercare because that person 'called the shots' on that area--not that I wasn't willing. From a personal perspective as a Dominant, it would be appreciated if more individuals who bottom/submissive and or slave; understand that Dominants/TOPs would be grateful to get some aftercare also. Many times TOPs/Dominants are left in their own space and are dropped without support by the one who they scened with. Most times these are the 'Do me' scenes or when they have become a "Service TOP." Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for considerated, Lady Hugs

ownedgirlie -> RE: Aftercare: discretionary or necessary? (11/6/2007 9:51:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wisteriaV Aftercare can be some of the most tender, loving and intimate moments in a relationship. I think it is necessary and if a dom doesnt do it it shows that they are selfish pricks. And if the dom gives the most loving and intimate during a "play session" and during other very intense moments having nothing to do with play, and if the submissive doesn't need aftercare....is he still a selfish prick?

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