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To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 2:36:55 PM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline 		I have suffered from a depression for more then a year.
The last week I have felt like I were in heaven. I met a Man, so purrfect for me I shiver just thinking about it. I have spoken to countless dominants and masters, and never quite felt the klick inside.
I also never believed in love. I've always gone for the closest match and then made it work.

Being in love for the first time is wonderful. He cares for me, he takes care of me, and inspires me. When I can't quite get there, he gives me the final push and then I can manage.
We're "friends" now, until I sort myself out. He is my compass, and holds my hand when I need it.

So I guess my question is this; have you been friends with the One perfect for you? How did/do you do it? I'm terrefied of falling too deeply for him. Terrefied of doing something stupid and making an even bigger mess then the one I am in.

Thanks in advance,
Lee
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 2:56:04 PM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		About 8 years ago i started attending a local munch.  No Domly types ever approached me with any interest in me.  i started seeing a Dominant in another state and one fellow from my group said "oh, I didn't know you were looking for someone! I wish I'd said something but just figured someone like you would already be involved."  Just a few months before i started talking to my Master, i had attended the munch again and one guy said he recognized me from this site and he started sending me emails, but you know, the kind that are sent out to a wide group of friends and aquaintances.  i never heard from him individually.  One day he emails me to ask if i'm going to the munch (after he'd been out of the country for a few months) and when i said no, i had not sent my rsvp, he got all upset that "I guess I was more interested in you than you are in Me!"  Well, he never once contacted me individually.  By this time i had already committed to the right one for me.

The moral of the story is.... maybe i would have been interested in one of these guys.  Certainly would have been easier to be involved with someone local.  But i was never even given the chance because neither was willing to let me know that they had any interest in me.

Dear, don't hide your feelings or enthusiasm for this Man!  What the hell is the worst that can happen is that he isn't as interested in you as you are in him?  Well that's hardly the end of the world and you won't die from it!  You are avoiding happiness for fear of unhappiness.  That's like avoiding food for fear of starvation.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to GentleLee)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 2:58:13 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		   If you fall in love with him and he does not return the feeling---how can it possibly be perfect?   Enjoy the friendship.    Sort yourself out, maybe it will turn out to be more than friendship but if it doesn't embrace the friendship for what it is.  

(in reply to GentleLee)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 3:03:55 PM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline 		Oh he does feel tenderly for me as well, I am sure of it. He tells me so. But still we know each other for a very short time still, and I do have a lot of things I need to straighten out. I'm just so happy he guides me. It is he who tells me that we are to be friends until I feel more sorted.

eyesopened; thank you. Your reply is so inspiring. And I am avoiding happiness from fear of unhappiness. I will write this down so that I may see it every day to remind myself to be more open to life and love.
Squeakers; I do try to embrace the friendship, though I am not sure how I can be friends with someone I feel so strongly about. But thank you for your reply as well.

Lee

(in reply to Squeakers)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 3:10:52 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLee

I have suffered from a depression for more then a year.
The last week I have felt like I were in heaven. I met a Man, so purrfect for me I shiver just thinking about it. I have spoken to countless dominants and masters, and never quite felt the klick inside.


~smiling~ I am delighted you found something that feels that good. On the other side, though, there is the only knowing him a week part, and falling in love.

Now ... maybe it is love. I'm not going to play the "what is love and what is not love" semantics game - it bores the shit out of me. I am not in a position to say it's not love.

All I can tell is is don't obsess about it. Enjoy it! Wallow in it. Fill up your tanks with it. It doesn't matter if he's the perfect one or not the perfect one. All any of us have is now, this instant, so ~live~ in it. Be present with him in each minute. Don't waste a single second wondering what could be - it doesn't matter. Don't ruin it by second-guessing or what-iff'ing. Just ... live. ~smiling~

And congratulations.

(in reply to GentleLee)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 3:20:08 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLee

Oh he does feel tenderly for me as well, I am sure of it. He tells me so. But still we know each other for a very short time still, and I do have a lot of things I need to straighten out. I'm just so happy he guides me. It is he who tells me that we are to be friends until I feel more sorted.

Squeakers; I do try to embrace the friendship, though I am not sure how I can be friends with someone I feel so strongly about. But thank you for your reply as well.

Lee

   Lee---he is very right---if you are suffering emotional problems, it is very difficult to commit to any type of loving relationship.   Trust me I know. Once you get a handle on yourself, I am pretty sure that if a friendship were all that was to develop you would be okay with it.   I am currently in a very loving relationship--but if life changed and one of us needed to move onwards, I would still want to retain the friendship---that part has been discussed and agreed on.   Yes I would be saddened but the love between friends developed first and I simply could not be happy without that.       

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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 3:25:45 PM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

All I can tell is is don't obsess about it. Enjoy it! Wallow in it. Fill up your tanks with it. It doesn't matter if he's the perfect one or not the perfect one. All any of us have is now, this instant, so ~live~ in it. Be present with him in each minute. Don't waste a single second wondering what could be - it doesn't matter. Don't ruin it by second-guessing or what-iff'ing. Just ... live. ~smiling~


If it's not love I don't know what it is, I just never felt anything like this before. Thank you so much for the advice!

Lee

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 3:30:36 PM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers
Lee---he is very right---if you are suffering emotional problems, it is very difficult to commit to any type of loving relationship.   Trust me I know. Once you get a handle on yourself, I am pretty sure that if a friendship were all that was to develop you would be okay with it.    


Oh I agree with you here, 100%. And I think it's so great that he insists on it as well. Makes me feel that he is that much more serious about me and my well-being.
If it will be nothing more then a friendship of course I will be saddened, but I will accept it. I'd never force anyone into anything, especially not a Man like him..

(in reply to Squeakers)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 3:46:51 PM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		i as well have suffered from depression and had a lot of trust issues with guys before i met my Dom. We're always going to be friends, even after i find my one Dom. That is unless he does something or i do something that we both can not agree upon and i am on my own finding a Dom.

(in reply to GentleLee)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 6:10:44 PM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		Oh damn don't be saddened if it's just friendship. That's the "half empty" approach, Y'know? Some people go their whole lives without GOOD friends, take all you can lay hands on!

One of my fav quotes from "Good Will Hunting" is Sean's conversation with Will:
"And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal. That's what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you're findin' out that one is by givin' it a shot. You certainly won't learn from an old fucker like me. Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell a piss ant like you."


_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/3/2007 7:11:48 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		He's made it clear that first you need to work on you because he's not getting involved as long as you're not doing what you should. So are you? Are you in therapy? Are you on medication? Are you attempting to get out of the state you're in which is not one where you can have a healthy relationship with someone, because you aren't healthy yourself.

If you want this, you better demonstrate that you are willing to submit, and go do what needs to be done. There is no reason to suffer from depression for over a year's time with effective medication available.

(in reply to Sabella)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 3:38:12 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

He's made it clear that first you need to work on you because he's not getting involved as long as you're not doing what you should. So are you? Are you in therapy? Are you on medication? Are you attempting to get out of the state you're in which is not one where you can have a healthy relationship with someone, because you aren't healthy yourself.

If you want this, you better demonstrate that you are willing to submit, and go do what needs to be done. There is no reason to suffer from depression for over a year's time with effective medication available.
Good thoughts BUT, after suffering with a ton of mental issues myself, medication is not a cure if there is an underlying source for the depression.   For me, it would just ease the symptoms, thus retarding me from finding where the depression was coming from.   That's like simply taking pain killers for a broken leg, you have to mend the source of the pain first.  
      Therapy is the better choice imho.    And the rest of Celeste's advice was also very sound.

(in reply to Celeste43)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 4:29:20 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Indeed indeed, Celeste and Squeakers. The feeling could well be like temporary medication - endorphins, the high of new love.

Lee, while you are feeling so very good, do work on your issues because they won't just evaporate. It may be a whole lot easier and more pleasant with someone solid holding your hand, and a case of two birds with one stone.

(in reply to Squeakers)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 4:34:05 AM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline 		 
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

If you want this, you better demonstrate that you are willing to submit, and go do what needs to be done. There is no reason to suffer from depression for over a year's time with effective medication available.


Medication isn't a cure for the depression. All it does is take care of the symptoms.
My depression is largely based on my brother dying. He was like my own son, so I don't think I should feel bad about not being up to scratch.

But yes, I am doing what needs to be done, and what I should.

I don't mean any disrespect, but I do not agree that you can't be in a healthy relationship when one is not healthy. A friendship is also a relationship, and that works fine. My relationship to my family also works very well.
I think it is more that he does not want me to do anything I might regret, because I might not be seeing clearly. Which shows me tremendous respect.

(in reply to Celeste43)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 4:36:45 AM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sabella

Oh damn don't be saddened if it's just friendship. That's the "half empty" approach, Y'know? Some people go their whole lives without GOOD friends, take all you can lay hands on!



I am not sad, far from it. I said in a previous post that I would be sad should nothing ever spire from this, which is only natural I think.
But I am happy, I am lucky, and I make the best of what there is. After all, you reap what you sow. :-)

(in reply to Sabella)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 4:39:09 AM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

Indeed indeed, Celeste and Squeakers. The feeling could well be like temporary medication - endorphins, the high of new love.

Lee, while you are feeling so very good, do work on your issues because they won't just evaporate. It may be a whole lot easier and more pleasant with someone solid holding your hand, and a case of two birds with one stone.


Its very sound advice, and I do!
One step at a time, but I do make positive changes, and every task I manage to complete makes me feel stronger and more like my old self.
Should I stop trying I know someone that would give me a run for my money.... ;-)

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 4:40:03 AM   
WillowRain


Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline 		Read about limerance just a bit, and what you are feeling right now may make more sense. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
Sustainable love takes time to grow.
Good luck.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLee

quote:

All I can tell is is don't obsess about it. Enjoy it! Wallow in it. Fill up your tanks with it. It doesn't matter if he's the perfect one or not the perfect one. All any of us have is now, this instant, so ~live~ in it. Be present with him in each minute. Don't waste a single second wondering what could be - it doesn't matter. Don't ruin it by second-guessing or what-iff'ing. Just ... live. ~smiling~


If it's not love I don't know what it is, I just never felt anything like this before. Thank you so much for the advice!

Lee


(in reply to GentleLee)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 5:00:58 AM   
GentleLee


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline 		WillowRain; It is a very interesting article, but while some points are "spot on", it does not fit on me at all.. I think I'm simply in love, intense delightful, not provoked love, for the very first time. :-)

(in reply to WillowRain)
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RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 5:08:33 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		As long as you are being responsible for yourself, Lee, and as long as you aren't obsessing, my original post stands: wallow! It is such a treasure! ~smiling~

(in reply to GentleLee)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: To think of him as a friend, but how can I? - 11/4/2007 7:57:17 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

He's made it clear that first you need to work on you because he's not getting involved as long as you're not doing what you should. So are you? Are you in therapy? Are you on medication? Are you attempting to get out of the state you're in which is not one where you can have a healthy relationship with someone, because you aren't healthy yourself.

If you want this, you better demonstrate that you are willing to submit, and go do what needs to be done. There is no reason to suffer from depression for over a year's time with effective medication available.
Good thoughts BUT, after suffering with a ton of mental issues myself, medication is not a cure if there is an underlying source for the depression.   For me, it would just ease the symptoms, thus retarding me from finding where the depression was coming from.   That's like simply taking pain killers for a broken leg, you have to mend the source of the pain first.  
     Therapy is the better choice imho.    And the rest of Celeste's advice was also very sound.


Actually Squeakers, I strongly believe you should be on medication for about a month prior to the therapy. Simply because therapy is such damned hard work in the best of times. And learning new ways to approach things while too depressed to get out of bed is just too much work.

It's a lot less work, but still the hardest work you'll ever do in your life, if you lift the symptoms first.

For a metaphor, suppose your cardiologist says you need to start running two miles daily but you can't run because your foot hurts unbearably. In that case, you make an appointment with the podiatrist, have the foot xrayed, order orthotics and get an immediate shot of cortisone in the foot. And then with the foot pain removed, you can begin to start running.

But if the op really does want to submit to him, she had better demonstrate that by doing what she was told to - dealing with her problems.

(in reply to Squeakers)
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