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RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 8:52:29 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Honestly, age difference ALONE is enough to make most parents get upset and make it difficult to come out about, specially to someone just out of high school.  IMO the difficulty isn't about coming out as kinky or Ds, it's about coming out AT ALL.

And while I agree she should and is able to do whatever the fuck she wants, families tend to be more complicated than that (ie parents actually don't often raise their kids in hopes that they actually DO become independent adults).  If she WANTS to maintain particular types of relationships with her family at this point, there are various ways of coming out that might make it more or less likely to be able to maintain them.

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RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 9:15:08 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Oh I completely agree I am sorry if I made it sound like I thought any solution to this would be easy I fully agree that it is not.

As Always

Steel

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 11:36:47 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings velvetears,

in florida a parent is only responsible for an um's medical bills or any other kind of bills until they turn 18; the child can stay on the parent's insurance until the age of 23 if they agree and are in college, but otherwise the parent has no responsibility, to my knowledge. i think the only exception is if you are paying child support...my master still pays child support on his youngest because she is still living at home (with his ex) and in college. i might be mistaken though...this is just from my experience (i've lived in florida all my life).

general reply,

i agree with la...the age thing is the difficult part. the people in my family who would have a hard time knowing about our age difference know absolutely nothing about the dynamic of our relationship, really. and it's hard to hide an age difference when it's 20+ years, usually; it's very clear that my master is over 45, although he may not look quite as old as he is. i would not be surprised if that's part of the difficulty for the op...it isn't so much about coming out about being kinky (i only do that when it's necessary) but more about being open about the fact that you are seeing someone, especially if you have a relatively close relationship with your family.

respectfully,
annabelle.

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 11/4/2007 11:38:36 AM >

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RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 12:04:37 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

I am a bit confused...I read your journal and 5 days ago you wrote an entry that made it seem as though you were single and looking for a man.  I might be misreading that...but I would wait until a relationship is solid and has lasted awhile before telling my family if they would be shocked by it.  The last thing you want is a breakup a week after you tell them (and 2 weeks after you started dating) that will make them question your judgement even more.



I didn't read the journal until you mentioned it, and I agree with you. (Learn to be more thorough, yaldah!) This seems like a very very new thing, there was a breakup with a fiance just a couple months ago, so withhold any of this until a more solid relationship is established unless you have a kink for upsetting your parents, in which case you will probably do a good job with this one.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: A question for all - Mellissande - 11/4/2007 12:52:39 PM   
LatexHer


Posts: 56
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline 		I am 15 years older than my slave wife. Her family had no problems with the age difference between us.  We have been together for over 7 years, and enjoy a health D/S relationship. Both our families are fully aware of our tastes and lifestyles. We do not feel that your Dom's age should be a factor. If your family does not support your decision to be happy than they are the ones who are truly challenged!.

Master LatexHer

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: A question for all - Mellissande - 11/4/2007 1:32:51 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		This is why I asked her how independent she was an for so long.  I think we can all understand the difference between an adult woman on her own at age 30 and a 19 yo woman who may even still be living at home and how that would effect a parents reactions to the situation of being with a man decades older.

Everyone's advice here has been well intended and there's certainly a bit of validity to the "you ARE your own person, so do it" sort of thing.  But I'd like to get back to the real world- most parents and families are NOT happy when their childs (specially females) partner is very different from the childs or the families background.  Most 19 year olds have little to no experience confronting their families with difficult news or coming out about anything, nor are most of them ready to strike out with absolutely no support (materialistically or emotionally) from their families.  As well, it's not so hard to imagine that many pre college gras who would want to be with much older partners might just been SEEKING something they completely lack in the security of their own family. 

And the stereotype of older men just looking for young eye candy to play with and have no serious intentions or abilities of being in a secure relationship is alive and well- even if not at all the case with THIS individual, we must examine the REAL WORLD context of how the family will perceive the situation and how best for our OP to address the issue to get the most desireable outcome for everyone.

This is certainly a serious and personal issue for me- I lied and hid my partner from my mother completely until I was about to graduate college because he was decades older than myself.  It was absolutely the right thing for me to do even though there were some ways I could have handled it better in retrospect.  I made many strides in my college years progressing my family/mom into accepting me as an independent adult and even more when I was truly financially independent from them. 

Sometimes kids have to raise parents.  It's not right, it's not fair, it's not even sensible- but it's how it is.



< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 11/4/2007 1:50:36 PM >

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RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 4:56:26 PM   
Twicehappy2x


Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


Beyond that, your sex life is no one else's business.


If you are a bottom or a top that might be true. But if you are living a D/s or M/s lifestyle they will notice certain things.
 
Quite frankly all of my family knows, (all of Scooter and Jewel's family knows as well) to be honest out of 13 sisters and brothers seven of us are in the lifestyle, let's not discuss the extended family. My mother was not upset by our lifestyle, she was upset at having a son in law older than her. 

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RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 5:24:32 PM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


Beyond that, your sex life is no one else's business.
 

But if you are living a D/s or M/s lifestyle they will notice certain things.
 
  I do live a 24/7 D/s lifestyle. My family doesn't have a clue. They just think I'm a traditional wife.

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RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 5:42:41 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		He's old enough to be your father!

Get in this house young lady and go to your room!

And wipe that lipstick off your face, you look like a floosie!


"You're sugar You're spice You're everything nice, and you're Daddy's Little Girl"


Quite the predicament, I wish you all the best.

chia* (the pet)




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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 6:10:22 PM   
Mellissande


Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the constructive advice, I have read everything and this is a quick reply. I am glad to have this medium to get advice from ones with much more experience and wisdom than I. I am eternally grateful for all of your help!

(Chia I love your signature, so cute!)

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: A question for all - Mellissande - 11/4/2007 10:44:53 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i don't think hiding and lying is good advice, maybe in your situation it worked LA but it doesn't make lying the right thing to do. Sounds like you knew your parents would have cut off funds, so you lied and hid your relationship untill you became financially independant of them to tell them.  That just isn't honest and sounds manipulative to me.


< Message edited by velvetears -- 11/4/2007 10:45:40 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: A question for all - 11/5/2007 1:51:37 AM   
HollyBlue


Posts: 144
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Quite frankly, your family really doesn't need to know about your lifestyle. People always have this burning need to unburden themselves at the expense of others. Chances are, knowing about your lifestyle will most likely hurt them. They'll get to spend hours wondering where they went wrong, while you're happily unburdened.

While I know of a few instances where telling the family went okay, they are very few instances. The majority freak out and are sure that you're psychologically unbalanced. Beyond that, your sex life is no one else's business.

So, my advice is just keep that portion to yourself.

As for the age thing, the only thing that will get past that is time. Your family will need time to adjust to him being in your life.


This is almost exactly what I would have said. My family knows I am engaged to and living with a man who is 23 years older than I am. They know nothing about our M/s relationship, and they will never know. They would worry about me, it would hurt them, and it would cause harm to the relationship we do have. Even if I can't be completely open with them, I'd much rather have it this way than any other way.

About the age difference, as OsideGirl said, your relationship passing the test of time will make an impression on your family, as will your man's behaviour when he is around your parents. My father was initially quite skeptical (especially since my Master and I met on the Internet, and our relationship progressed very quickly). But the last time we saw my parents, we went out to dinner, and after dinner, my father actually said to my Master, "Thanks for taking care of my daughter."

My Master and I were both very touched.

Chances are, your family loves you and they just want you to be happy. Once they see that you really are happy, and are remaining happy, they will most likely accept the age difference.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: A question for all - 11/5/2007 4:04:40 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mellissande

My Sir is 21 years older than me and even has a daughter older than me. I am absolutely fine with this, But I need some advice on how to talk to my family about this... I don't think they will be very happy with any part of the arrangement between myself and Sir... I am really scared to tell my family, as I don't know how I would broach the subject...


((edited to say I would have put this in one of the "ask a..." threads, But I want to hear from everyone, not just masters or mistresses... Thank you for helping!))


Personally, I wouldn't even bother "talking to my family about this"...  I mean, if/when they meet him his age is going to be clear, it's not as though it's a secret that must be shared to be known. 

And the second part is, as an adult why do you need to talk to them about this or have them be "very happy with any part" of it?  If they don't like it they can say so until you are not interested in hearing anymore about it, then you tell them that you think it's fine and there's no room for further talk on it.  I'm sorry but I genuinely don't understand why it matters at all how they feel about your love/sex life... you're over 18 and living as an adult, yes?

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: A question for all - 11/5/2007 10:41:06 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Several women in my family have married men a lot older that them. Their parents bitched at first but have changed their thinking  over the years. As long as you and your partner are making a go of it then it matters not what someone else thinks.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: A question for all - 11/5/2007 10:55:30 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I tend to agree with LA in terms of it can be too easy to sputter advice based in theory as family is always a complex issue. I though also think that there is just balance between maturity, family and our own desires.

From my experience and a few others I have seen it basically comes down to how your relationship is with your family on a whole anyway. If a person is close and has a supportive family then after the shock they will remain so. If you have a family full of judgmental game playing drama queens then of course the age difference is going to be too good to ignore trouncing on.

My former Master was twenty-seven years older then me, did not believe in marriage and did not want anymore children. I introduced him to my parents when I was twenty-three and needless to say it did not go over well. But my parents love me and did not do anything drastic and while they were always worried about the situation, we still maintained our closeness. Day to day they learned to be fine with it but I do know from sources when the relationship finally ended they celebrated a little.

On the plus side when I brought home my Master who is only ten years older and too marriage minded and wants children he was immediately accepted. He could have been an escaped serial killer and they would have been ok. ;)

Parents are human beings and part of our own maturity is finding this out. Like most human beings they are not perfect or handle things always in a good manner but. In the end the good ones though will get through it and love you.


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: A question for all - 11/5/2007 7:29:42 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I am with the others who suggest not mentioning Him in much detail until it has been a going concern for at least 6 months by which time you will be able to judge whether this is likely to be an ongoing concern! In the meantime, you are "just dating". I would separate the age issue from the lifestyle issue and definitely NOT "come out" to both simultaneously, this would be a recipe for disaster in most families! If He's coming to pick you up etc so they HAVE to meet Him, you can try playing the age card in a positive light ... at least He's not a crazy 20 year old who gets drunk every night and drives too fast with you in the car etc etc! Only come out about the lifestyle if you have thought seriously about whether you would be giving too much information to those who don't really want to know and decided this family member really does want to know!

I can assure you that it's just as awkward at times to be the 51 year old sub to a 36 year old Master! Especially when I left a hubby of the same age (who was a non-sub to My Domme side) who had a well-paying job (but spent most of what he earned on himself) to be with Him. My mother was a bit shocked initially ... but now she is happy because she has "got her old daughter back, the happy one", so Master is in her good books! And His family has accepted me (even though i am dangerously close in age to His parents LOL! and they now realise grandkids are not going to eventuate without fur) ... because He is the happiest He has ever been. In the end, your happiness in the relationship will be the litmus test for your family.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: A question for all - 11/6/2007 3:44:49 AM   
Twicehappy2x


Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I do live a 24/7 D/s lifestyle. My family doesn't have a clue. They just think I'm a traditional wife.


Lol, well perhaps you are cautious, my calling him Master was a dead give away. Grins.......

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: A question for all - 11/6/2007 8:47:13 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		whoms life is it anyway,, thiers or yourss,, you should listen to what they say,, but take it witha grain of salt as well,, for the decisions you have made make you whom you are,,
i wish you the best of luck,,
MM

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: A question for all - 11/6/2007 9:10:35 AM   
MsIncontrol


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline 		I think you have received a lot of good advice, but I will add my $.02 anyway.  I would have to say age has little to do with being an adult.  So whether you are 18 or 30, if you are not independent of your parents financially (do you pay for ALL of yourself, car, insurance, etc?), geographically (not living with them or having them subsidize your rent) and emotionally (need their opinion an approval on every decision) than I would not recommend either coming out to them in the lifestyle nor introducing them to your older gentleman friend.  In fact, if you are not fully independent of them, THEY are your Masters and Controllers and you are not available to give yourself to anyone unless he is willing to assume all responsibility for you.

What are you willing to give up?  What are you willing to risk?

If you are a completely independent adult, than I would wait until you were stable in your relationship for several months to a year and then introduce him as a love interest.  Only once they have accepted him and his age difference would I even attempt to discuss the lifestyle.  The issue is most people do not understand the concept...they only know stereotypically what they believe it is about.  My submissive/husband and I are very involved in the BDSM Community, and yet are not fully disclosed to our families.  They know we have an unusual relationship...but what they see is a very adoring, very attentive husband and a very demanding wife.  In fact, my brother in law asked me if I could open my vault and give his brother back his balls for a boys weekend...LOL  Even the brother asks my permission...ha ha ha.  What I am saying as you don't have to have this big coming out confrontation..accept me or else etc.  The subtleties of the lifestyle will come through with or without disclosure and the rest of the stuff is none of their business.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: A question for all - Mellissande - 11/6/2007 8:53:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
i don't think hiding and lying is good advice, maybe in your situation it worked LA but it doesn't make lying the right thing to do. Sounds like you knew your parents would have cut off funds, so you lied and hid your relationship untill you became financially independant of them to tell them.  That just isn't honest and sounds manipulative to me.

Oh it was half financial half me just not ready to be "an independent adult yet." 

It wasn't honest and it was manipulative.  Mostly based on the fact that when I DID out my relationship with a 31 yo out of high school, my mother called me a slut in the nastiest and most cutting way a mother can and told me she wasn't going to let me stay in her house anymore.

Granted, that might have been because she thought I lost my virginity to him the first night he came to visit.  But that's just because I had totally hidden the dozen or so other guys I'd been having sex with since I was 16.

My mother taught me early on, and often by example, that hiding and lying to the family is the best way to be able to live the life you want and still enjoy the family support.

That rift my mom chose to create took years to heal, and it will always be a part of our relationship.  It took years for me to train my mom to accept me as I am, to live my life openly, and for her to grow beyond seeing me as the perfect angel.

It was lying and it was manipulative, but it was also the right thing to do for a college kid who wasn't ready to be an adult with a mother who wasn't ready to help her become one.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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