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Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 12:46:38 PM

sweetsub26

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

Hi, i'm new around here, and this is the first time I've posted anything.
I have a question... how many times should a sub meet with a Dom/me they met online before she/he submits to him/her?
Is one meet ok? Should it be more? I'd just like some views please.

Post #: 1

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 12:58:31 PM

CdnExplorer

Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

That can really depend a lot on the specifics of the situation. With a domme that is known to friends of mine in the local scene, if I've spent any serious length of time chatting with her I'd be fairly comfortable submitting within a very short timeframe...perhaps even on the first visit. If it was someone I didn't know at all, and wasn't known to any of my friends...then I'd be a lot more cautious. I'd probably want to meet them in vanilla settings a couple of times first, if at all possible. That might present a bit of a problem if there is a lot of distance involved.

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 2

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 1:06:41 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Exhibiting some submissive behaviors on the first meet isn't out of the question to me but I reserve surrender until I know it's something that is going to be worthwhile.

(in reply to CdnExplorer)

Post #: 3

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 1:10:02 PM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

Follow your instincts and gut feelings about things.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 4

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 1:26:27 PM

CdnExplorer

Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

That's a very good point that I didn't make. The degree to which I would submit would also vary, depending on the situation. Never completely on a first meet...that's just not enough time to establish the level of trust needed.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 5

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 1:38:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

As many as it takes for you to know it's the right thing for you to do.

The fact that you want answers to questions from other people when only YOU can answer for yourself shows you might not be ready for anything yet.

How long have you been actively talking to people in hopes of a relationship? I generally recommend at least 6 months of exploration before even considering making a commitment to anyone.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 6

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 1:53:03 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

How long is a piece of string - there is no answer. If your heart tells you this is the one - do it the first time. Most people though develop a relationship and ground rules as they go along.

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 2:01:58 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

My standard reply to this, is treat this relationship exactly as you would a vanilla relationship...because unless you are seeking a fuckbuddy, what you are going to develop IS a relationship, two real people forming a bond of respect and admiration, where one is Dominant and one is submissive...
so how long would you speak to a regular man before meeting him?
before having sex?
before entrusting him with your house key?
before entrusting him with your bank account?

Use your common sense, experience and intuition, as many others have advised.

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 8

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 2:10:11 PM

hedygirl

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

I have met and spanked subs the first meeting that I just wanted a drive by; while others devloped a relationship that lasted over a year. So...I have no answer.

(in reply to AnimusRex)

Post #: 9

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 2:45:21 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Has trust and respect been established in your mind, does this person make you feel safe are you totally comfortable with this person and sure they have your safety in mind and do you feel sure they will respect any limits you may have?

Have you spent time discussing limits, safe words , has a discussion taken place as to what you are agreeing to submit to?

If this was a vanilla relationship would you be willing to have a sexual relationship on the second meeting?

If you answer no or are unsure on any of the above questions then maybe now is not time.

It also depends on what you want from the relationship, are you just getting together for playdates or is the goal for it to be a long term relationship, if it is a long term relationship that you seek, treat it much like you would in a vanilla relation by getting to know each other first to learn if the 2 of you are compatible first rather than by putting the cart before the horse and jumping in scening . It may work for some but rarely and feeling can be hurt due to false expectations. D/s in a longterm relationship is simply the spice added ontop of a vanilla relationship, D/s activities alone do not make for a fullfilling longterm relationship

One person here recommends that newbies take 6 months before making a commitment inorder to learn more about the lifestyle and understand what they a commiting/submiting to

My current relationship is a long distance one, we are spending approx 5 months talking online getting to know each other, he will fly here first, but my rules are he must get a motel room, and our first outing together will be vanilla dates/outings(like touring Toronto) to give us time to get to know each other face to face and become comfortable with each other and if that goes well start with a vanilla sexual relationship before moving on to include BDSM activities, we are looking for more than just playdates we are trying to establish if a long term relationship can exist between us, so we are willing to take the time to find out how we mesh as 2 individuals as in do we share the same or similiar values, what kind of activities are enjoyed, learning to communicate with each other, to become good friends, discussing what our bdsm and sexual interest are before actually indulging and getting to know each other on that level.

Different people have different approaches as to what they would do but the prime objectives is to use your noggin and follow your gut instincts to make sure you stay safe and not allow yourself to get in over you head, not everyone has the same views of what D/s is , and there are a handful of individuals have some pretty crazy ideas or are not playing with a full deck, which can be quite dangerous even deadly as an example http://www.collarchat.com/m_1369558/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1369558.

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to CdnExplorer)

Post #: 10

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 2:52:34 PM

forg0ttenclone

Posts: 62
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

How long you wait is up to you. There is no set time as to how long you should or should not wait. It's a matter of trust and chemistry. If you feel you have the chemistry with the Dom/me and you are able to trust said person. Why not? I've met two people off of this site. Both of which i submitted to on the initial meeting. I count myself as lucky as both turned out great and lasted for a while. The second of course is still on-going and i am now Hers. But you just have to trust your gut instincts. I always opt for a cynical outlook.

I know when i met my Dominant, i thought to myself "There's no way in hell i could ever submit to Her!" Of course, upon our initial meeting, we went to a theme park. Had it not worked out, hey, we both had a good time riding roller coasters. <laugh>. But upon initial meeting i didn't think i'd ever submit to Her. Now i am Hers. Funny how things work out.

But the bottom line is, always trust your instincts on when to play.

(in reply to CdnExplorer)

Post #: 11

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 2:53:56 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

remember the point where you can say NO is not when your all bound and gagged and regretful .You are placing your health , wellbeing ,and trust in another .To say Hi my name is _____ and you are ? ok kewl glad to meet you lets play oooh wait why are you gassin up a chain saw ?Many years ago i thought no worries - here let s play then after some bad and what could have been life altering life ended times i have choosen the not to leap blindly .I would much rather have a safe exchange pleasureable to both or all parties .Know the non-safe dangerous players are not one sex either .How do you know they shall honor your safe words ? respect your limits ? Give you the care - post experiance - that you may need ?Have they any referances ?what is thier experiance level ?And no not ONLINE ..criminal background ?Have you seen them play'scene" with others ?All good starting points to consider .

(in reply to hedygirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/4/2007 2:58:12 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

It merely depends on the person. Me personally, i talked online with my Dom for 4 months before actually meeting him in person. Though some people will talk longer or shorter depending on how comfortable both parties are in meeting for a first time. i also did not submit to my Dom till the 2nd time when i felt a little apprehensive, this is after contiuing talking online and meeting a couple times. Do i regret submitting to him very shortly after the first meet? No, again though this is only my personal preferance. Would i submit to anyone else if i did not have my Dom after this first meeting? No, but i had that trusting gut feeling about my Dom and i went for it, knowing i could be hurt (emotionally) by him. But it's never happened

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 13

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/5/2007 4:34:32 PM

sweetsub26

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

Hi, i just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied. It's been great to have some feedback.

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 14

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/5/2007 5:07:54 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

We played on the second meet. But submitting didn't even begin until I had had sufficient time to learn enough about him that I could begin to trust his self control and that he would take care of me. Once I had learned that about him, I felt safe to cede small amounts of control and to show vulnerability.

But I don't equate play with submission. If what you're really asking is when you should agree to play, then there is no set rule. Anymore than there is a set rule of how many times you date before you kiss, or have sex, or introduce him to your mother.

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 15

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/5/2007 5:13:45 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Well, for me it was about 30 seconds or however long it took to walk from immigration, out the doors and up to him. However, that was after 6 months of exchanging emails, chatting and talking on the phone. By the time we actually met it was just validating that we were who we said we were.

For others, it may be longer or shorter. It is all what works for you.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 16

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/13/2007 8:31:18 PM

chin62926

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/10/2007
Status: offline

I like your explanation about submitting for the first time

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 17

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/13/2007 8:45:29 PM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline

Personally, for me, I'd rather wait. I've been known to lower my eyes on a first meet, which I'd never do in a non-submissive situation, and to kiss. But I'd rather not go farther than that.

I also negotiate things BEFORE. I went to someone's apartment last week on the third date and I said, very bluntly on the phone beforehand, I don't want our clothes to come off tonight. The reason for me is that it is hard for me when I'm being submissive (and not to mention turned on) to not want to please. Figuring it out beforehand for me, and talking about it with him, is a healthy way to be clear about what our expectations are. (And it has the added benefit of showing who I can really trust.--Talk with her about how far she wants it to go so that she doesn't have regrets.)

However, you need to do what feels right in both your hearts, souls, minds and bodies.

Be smart and encourage her to be smart. Give her your address and home phone and make sure one of her friends knows where she is and when she'll be checking in. Don't push to tie her down too quickly. If you want to restrain her, do it with thread or licorice rope or something she can break, or quarters she needs to keep pressed against the wall and threaten her with a punishment if she does, but that way she can have some control in the early situations, choosing to surrender while also being smart.

This may be super obvious to you, but, it is safer to play in a public place with someone you don't know. If she says safeword in a club, she'll have hundreds of people making sure it is heeded. (I've never actually done this, however. I don't want anyone from work to know, etc.)

Letting her know you've thought about what she needs to know she's safe will only endear you to any woman I know.

(in reply to chin62926)

Post #: 18

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/13/2007 9:40:43 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I think people should follow their gut and not a set time frame or number of meetings before play. Unless a person has terrible intuition, I think that it is better to follow what your instinct tells you. When I have followed my intuition it has never led me astray...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 19

RE: Submitting for the first time - 11/14/2007 1:38:26 AM

Einzelganger

Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline

Please, take your time with this. I would never expect one meeting to be enough; I was dumb enough to think that once, and I learned my lesson the hard way.

liminalRapture brings up a very good point. I don't meet any Dommes in a non-public place until I know I can trust them to respect my personal limits. It's usually a matter of her giving me the look, and I melt; if she has a great voice, that can do it, too. Granted, most don't have that look mastered, but if she does, I'm always thankful I'm in public. *smiles* I'd rather melt in a public place, where I still feel like I have some tenuous hold on my self-control, rather than in private, where I'd simply melt and do something I may regret later. If she wants to talk about things that would make the other restaurant customers feel uncomfortable, I usually suggest we go see the least popular movie at the most odd hour possible...there's noone in there, and the only place quieter than that is a dark car. *smiles*

-Einzelgänger

(in reply to sweetsub26)

Post #: 20

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