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TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 1:32:10 PM

daddyscherry

Posts: 85
Joined: 7/10/2007
From: Daddy's Tower, CA
Status: offline

i have only started one other thread, so i hope this comes out right.

After reading on another thread this...

"If TPE is even on the table, it should be built up slowly as trust and compatibility are built by exposure and gradually increasing the degree or strictness of Protocol and/or interaction."

It made me think on something that i've thought about on quite a few occasions, as well as something that came up in a recent conversation with some friends.

When my Daddy and i were first together, and i was well aware of getting involved with a Master and becoming a slave i thought that some things would just be a given, one example, would be that he could have sex with other girls, as Master's perogative. (something, at the time, he didn't seem to desire)

i brought up the fact that i felt it would be much more difficult to initiate things later on in the relationship, after i had become accustomed to them being one way. i felt that boundaries that were instilled from the onset would be much easier to work in than taking away freedoms later on.

my Daddy has been slow with me on alot of things, but sometimes it feels like a band-aid being slowly ripped off, even though i know he is watching out for my well being.

Sooo how do you all feel about going slowly? VS. beginning with a TPE mindset and then allowing that to grow more deeply?

_____________________________

~cherry
a.k.a. charismagirrl

For today i won't say but...
For today i won't say just....
For today i will simply obey...
For always i will be your imperfect slave.

Post #: 1

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 1:47:00 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

I'm cautious by nature, a wait-and-seer, a watcher, a disbeliever. In order to give over authority I have to be sure he is a worthy recipient. The only way for me to go into an authority transfer is to do it by degrees.

(in reply to daddyscherry)

Post #: 2

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 2:02:40 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyscherry

Sooo how do you all feel about going slowly? VS. beginning with a TPE mindset and then allowing that to grow more deeply?

I'm a fan of going slowly with whatever dynamic feels natural between both people and on top of that being extra slow and very deliberate with specific committments (such as ownership which I think is a path that is formed over years).

C~

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 11/5/2007 2:03:14 PM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to daddyscherry)

Post #: 3

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 2:07:30 PM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyscherry

Sooo how do you all feel about going slowly? VS. beginning with a TPE mindset and then allowing that to grow more deeply?

I'm a fan of going slowly with whatever dynamic feels natural between both people and on top of that being extra slow and very deliberate with specific committments (such as ownership which I think is a path that is formed over years).

C~

I like the way you put this C~ it's like defensive driving on Highway One in California. Drive it, enjoy the beautiful view and watch for curves.

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 4

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 2:08:28 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I think it is a to each their own/compatibility type thing.

I though tend to agree that certain aspects of things for me were best thrown in from the beginning then establishing something then type thing. Your example is an excellent one.

When searching for a Master I made it clear I did not want all vanilla then slowly adopt a power exchange relationship. The reality of our relationship though was a mixing of giving power and vanilla for the best fit until we got to where we are now 24/7 M/s. It took clear communication and agreeing on where we were and what was next while always working on the long term goal of how both of us saw and agreed to how we wanted to live.

So I would say we did not jump right in but no way no how did we establish a base then go forward. That would have not worked for us at all. It was just done in a mix. For us the power exchange aspects were important to put on the table early. We both had no intention of living differently and we both wanted to show and needed the other to show that part of the life we were compatible and had the passion for and not get too far down the road where one of us surprised the other by changing.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to daddyscherry)

Post #: 5

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 2:29:31 PM

SoHott

Posts: 80
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

This girl has experienced instant TPE and going slowly... TPE was a real put up or shut up experience that worked out well, and going slowly proved unworkable because it left me feeling insecure about my place. She desires to please, to engage in the politics of mental-emotional relationship potty training is incompatable with her desires. This girl begs to apologize in advance for speaking and offending anyone.

_____________________________

If everything in life was free
We'd float in our own reverie
The things that you can't seem to see
seal the gap between you and me

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 6

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 2:35:56 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Dear daddyscherry.....
yes it's made me think....at first my response was look it's either TPE or it's not.....which then made me question exactly what is TPE?
It's only that someone actually asked me what TPE was the other day and I gave the kind of answer only I could give which was like an hour long lecture...I didn't do it intentionally or out of arrogance it's just that one aspect pf TPE grew into another possibility....
first relaisation was that there's never going to be a finite absolute TPE for me beyond which I couldn't go....it's SO dependent on the person I am with....
second it has to do with the degree of enery exchanged for that period of time rayther more that the geographical place that the exchange takes place in. sorry if this isn't sounding clear....but just like in a vanilla marriage, when hubby goes away on business trip, it doesn't mean the marriage ends, well for me when a scene ends the power exchange remains...
as for how fast or how slow it comes into being...again that is with the person. Any new beginnings are delicious to me so i have a tendency to want to take the beginning slow because it's like a seduction but i have also 'fallen' wham bam thankyou sir at first sight.
I liked your point about the negotiation of limits though. At the moemnt I am in a bit of a whirl as my limits are getting extyended daily.
Sorry if I am off topic it's just such a huge area for discussion and I guess the line is that as a submissive it's best for me to allow Him to decide. i am on the slope to slavery.

(in reply to daddyscherry)

Post #: 7

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 3:49:22 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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The reality is that no matter how slow or fast you set up the dynamic in your relationship, the same time and steps are needing to form a relationship into a strong and lasting one. If those steps are skipped during the "normal" timeline, life WILL force you to backtrack and learn them together later, and usually harder.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 8

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 4:04:59 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The reality is that no matter how slow or fast you set up the dynamic in your relationship, the same time and steps are needing to form a relationship into a strong and lasting one. If those steps are skipped during the "normal" timeline, life WILL force you to backtrack and learn them together later, and usually harder.

This is so much clearer than I could have said it. i realise now, after reading what yiu have said that yes, u=issues of integrity and honesty and dicclosure (I meant all three of thos as subsets of the same thing really0 was an isue that left me reeling in the pevious dynamic. So this time I am going to be brave and courageous and speak out when I feel there is deceit, even if it's just a projection i am making when there is no evidence of actual deceit. imagined deceit is worse.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 4:05:10 PM

Vanatru

Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

DD, yeah, but the view driving Hwy 1 is definitely worth it.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 10

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 4:05:11 PM

daddyncherry

Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The reality is that no matter how slow or fast you set up the dynamic in your relationship, the same time and steps are needing to form a relationship into a strong and lasting one. If those steps are skipped during the "normal" timeline, life WILL force you to backtrack and learn them together later, and usually harder.

Maybe i am confused as to what you are saying but i think my OP was maybe misunderstood.

Basically what i was asking is this...

If you set out to form X relationship, being that that relationship will ultimately be TPE (this is the intent at the onset), yes, you would have to go through the steps....yes you would have to get to know one another all of that, certainly.

The question is more to the point of..rules and boundaries set up within the relationship.

i sited the example of the Master, at the onset, saying, that yes, he will be having sex with other girls at his descretion....So then, that would be understood from the onset.

For me, this type of thing would've been easier, than, now, a year and change later, after getting all comfy cozy, to then be told that he would do this.

Another example would be...Furniture...would it be easier to adapt at the onset to not sitting on the furniture, or to have that freedom removed from you after the relationship is more formed?...Sleeping in the bed with your M for a year, and then told to sleep on a cot...

This is what i was trying to get at.

Is it easier to have alot of the "fences" in place at the beginning and then to maybe earn them or whatever over time? Or is is easier to have all of these freedoms and then one day realize "Oh damn, i really was taking for granted the aability to sleep in the bed?"

Edited to add: i tried to explain my feelings to my Daddy at the beginning..how the boundaries would make me feel safer and more secure within our relationship. i likened it to a child needing boundaries..and how it would be more difficult to impose those on me later....Kind of like if you got a kitten...and as the kitten was growing you allowed it to jump on the bed, the counters, and basically go where ever it pleased...then suddenly...you don't want the cat on the furniture....well damn, wouldn't it have been easier to teach it that from day one?

< Message edited by daddyncherry -- 11/5/2007 4:09:59 PM >

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 4:11:47 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I couldn't trust him with everything on day one simply because I didn't know him well enough to know how he would deal with everything. As he proved himself competent to handle more areas of my life, he's taken control of them.

I'm not going to meet someone once for coffee and turn over my credit cards to them. I have to know he's highly responsible financially and that he is devoted to my well being. Because if he isn't, then I'm the one left $40,000 in the hole.

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 12

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 4:48:15 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Interesting topic. In my situation, we initially discussed needs and wants, hard limits and soft ones, as well as goals and dreams.

As it turns out we were/are quite compatible in most areas, and the areas where there are differing viewpoints we are able to agree to disagree (vanilla interests). I have brought him along slowly, as trust is always an issue when starting out. There are areas that are new to him, and again - slow but steady is the pace I have set.

He sometimes feels impatient in the areas he wants to experience more, and is always wishing for more BDSM time, but overall it seems to be working (thanks to that open and constant communication thing).

I suppose my answer to your question would be that we are moving at a slow but steady pace - but the intended boundaries and limits were in place and understood early on. We have not reached 24/7 yet - but it is in the works and we will be able to do so before much longer. We both understand that some things will progress more quickly when we are able to settle into a 24/7 routine.

Knowing what the goals are and a clear understanding of boundaries, limits, and expectations helped both of us from the early days. Communication is what keeps us growing and happy, but that will be a lifetime activity. I hope this helps...or that at least it does not muddy the waters. It would be impractical to expect another thinking human being to suddenly be the submissive I will mold him into over time, but thanks to expectations being outlined by both of us at the outset, I anticipate a very happy life for both of us.

Best of luck in your journey!

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to daddyscherry)

Post #: 13

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 5:00:46 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyscherry

i have only started one other thread, so i hope this comes out right.

After reading on another thread this...

"If TPE is even on the table, it should be built up slowly as trust and compatibility are built by exposure and gradually increasing the degree or strictness of Protocol and/or interaction."

It made me think on something that i've thought about on quite a few occasions, as well as something that came up in a recent conversation with some friends.

When my Daddy and i were first together, and i was well aware of getting involved with a Master and becoming a slave i thought that some things would just be a given, one example, would be that he could have sex with other girls, as Master's perogative. (something, at the time, he didn't seem to desire)

i brought up the fact that i felt it would be much more difficult to initiate things later on in the relationship, after i had become accustomed to them being one way. i felt that boundaries that were instilled from the onset would be much easier to work in than taking away freedoms later on.

my Daddy has been slow with me on alot of things, but sometimes it feels like a band-aid being slowly ripped off, even though i know he is watching out for my well being.

Sooo how do you all feel about going slowly? VS. beginning with a TPE mindset and then allowing that to grow more deeply?

You two have to do what is the most comfortable for you and do it in the way that seems to work best for your individual dynamic.

With that disclaimer...as LA said, steps that are skipped along the way sometimes have to be come back to and climbed over in order to get to steps you may have already been on. I am fond of doing some things slowly and some things not so slowly but overall, I like to get to know someone and find out where their head is at and whether or not there are certain areas within D/s and BDSM over which we strongly disagree or do not share an interest in and, through discussion and negotiation...yeah, there's those things that fall under that "communication" umbrella again...decide if they are things that can be dealt with in a manner satisfactory to both of us. Example given...I don't do bloodletting. Not my thing and I have health concerns with it. That is me. If a submissive and I were good in all areas except this one, I think we could find a way to satisfy her desire for it that would not impact our relationship through thorough discussion and compromise. But...I expect civility and courtesy and patience and communication. As the relationship grows, I expect trust and deeper communication and a letting down of guarded walls. If a submissive is someone who always keeps herself closed off except for what she feels when we are playing or if I prod it out of her, that would be a serious issue for me. I don't want to be the only one laying my feelings and thoughts and compliments and complaints on the line. That is one way communication and, while it might work for awhile, it would not work in the long run because in my mind, to have deeper and deeper power exchange, you have to be able to share with each other.

(in reply to daddyscherry)

Post #: 14

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 5:32:35 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I am extremely cautious and prefer going slowly... testing out the waters and slowly getting acclimated. I would still probably be in the shallow end if it wasn't for him pushing when he thought it was needed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyncherry

The question is more to the point of..rules and boundaries set up within the relationship.

One thing to remember, going into the relationship you are most likely changing habits and behaviors that have been a part of you for a long time. It generally takes about 30 days for a new behavior to become natural or a habit. A person can only learn so many new behaviors/habits at a time.

He started out giving me the rules and protocols that were most important to him and once those had become second nature to me, he added in others. Three years later, he is still adding in protocols and teaching me exactly how he wants me to behave. I was given a broad framework of what was expected of me and over time the details are filled in. We plan to spend a lifetime filling in the details.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 15

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 5:49:54 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Well each couple will work out things the way they want. Given the OPs specific examples, then yes, I agree that those sorts of things are best discussed at the beginning and adopted soon before habits or expectations are formed that are then later deemed undesirable. Poly is especially important to be on the table at the start, whether it is ever acted upon or not. However, for my sub side, TPE has also involved aspects less identifiable as bdsm ... control over my daily life, where W/we live, finances and even my musicality. Those things i have more gradually surrendered to Him as and when it felt right to me AND He was willing to take over those. After nearly 3 years together 24/7 He picked the town W/we moved to, i'd never been there till W/we flew over there to buy a house. It was bought in His name only for all sorts of good reasons ... with the money i got from the sale of my previous house, so i am trusting Him with all the money i have ($300,000!). i wouldn't be doing that at the start of the relationship! And now W/we are working up a musical duo, i found it a bit of a struggle to yield musically as i have more years of playing experience than Him ... but not in the same field of music as Him. But i have now done so and it's working out great.

In summary, W/we jumped in about half way with a set of expectations and protocols that W/we had discussed and the rest of the journey sketched out. And as kyra said, W/we too plan to spend a lifetime filling in the details!

violet[A] aka Maam Jay

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 6:33:15 PM

awmslave

Posts: 599
Joined: 3/31/2006
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At first, TPE stands for "total power exchange" and there is no "slowly" option. So, the question would be rather if the relationship should have some semi-vanilla starting point developing into TPE. I think such development is not likely with the same master. So, if you are not ready for TPE relationsip I would recommend having softer side dom first and then find a skilled master who is capable of TPE.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 17

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 7:15:00 PM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

I'm definitely more of the jump right in type - if there's something that I'm going to be ridiculously uncomfortable with (like sleeping with other girls or not being able to sleep in his arms) I want to know BEFORE I get attached to that person. Obviously I belong to my Master completely so I know he has the *right* to do any of those things - but I still want to be clear on what his intentions are.

However I suppose that if there were a timeline implemented (3 month plan, 6 month plan, 1 year plan, etc.) that covered everything, no surprises, I could see how it could make sense to take your time adjusting to five million new things.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 18

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 7:17:26 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: awmslave

At first, TPE stands for "total power exchange" and there is no "slowly" option. So, the question would be rather if the relationship should have some semi-vanilla starting point developing into TPE. I think such development is not likely with the same master. So, if you are not ready for TPE relationsip I would recommend having softer side dom first and then find a skilled master who is capable of TPE.

Wow-really? TPE is an instant process? Kind of like adding hot water to your instant oatmeal? Wow! I would have to disagree with you - but each of us is entitled to their own opinions as a result of their own journey. I wish you well in yours, but am glad to say that have been rewarded with a wonderful submissive, who respects me for not expecting instant TPE but instead allowing us the opportunity to develop a strong, trusting, loving relationship that now does include TPE.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to awmslave)

Post #: 19

RE: TPE- Going slowly? Or jumping right in? - 11/5/2007 7:28:27 PM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

Cloudz I don't think the poster said it was an instant process. The poster said that *total* power exchange was *total* and that the steps leading up to it couldn't be considered TPE in itself...but rather simply a relationship heading in that direction.

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 20

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