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Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 12:33:39 AM   
DomEP


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline 		Hello A/all. I am an up and coming Dom and I was wondering if Y/yall have any tips or advice for a new Dom.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 12:55:09 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		look both ways when crossing the road.
Hehe

Ask more spefic or search past threads.

(in reply to DomEP)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 2:23:17 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Look, Listen, Ask Questions and Read. There is much to be gained by reading past threads.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to imtempting)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 4:11:27 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Best advice I can offer a *19yo* dom is to go and get some life experience and check back here in about a decade or so.... Think of BDSM like College - ya gotta graduate Primary School then High School to qualify because Colleges don't do basic training!

So I'd start with such things as getting a job, your own place, a vanilla relationship or three and generally taking on responsibility for yourself. That includes admitting to your mistakes when you make them. Once you've got a handle on the basics, maybe you'll be ready to take charge and responsibility of/for a sub, too!

Nineteen legally makes you an adult but you're in way over your head right now! See ya in 10....

*Incominggggg....!*

Focus50.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 6:16:31 AM   
Sir4now


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline 		You maybe starting off right by at lest asking questions. Yes you are very young and there is nothing wrong with being young. Find a local BDSM group in your area and join get to know others in this lifestyle real time. Understand as a Dom you must be trusted and respected. To do this never ever lie all you have is your word and as people learn your a man of your word they will slowly trust you. To get respect you must give and show respect to everyone around you. If you don't feel that you should respect others how do you think they would ever respect you?

Go very slow, read, talk to outhers and above all learn.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 7:42:58 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline 		If I were just starting out, here is the advice I would want.

- Find your own way. Don't listen to them when they tell you (and believe me they will tell you) that you are too old or too young or too tall or too short or too smart or too stupid. Listen to what they say, then go and do what you think is right, anyway.

- Don't try to please everyone. Find a few people you trust, and look to them to figure out where the lines are.

- Never trust any expert on anything. People are full of shit.

- Don't ever let love slip away. Fight for it with your dying breath.

- Don't be afraid to make mistakes or admit to making them.

- Nothing is true 100% of the time.

- A clean car gets better gas milage.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to DomEP)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 8:37:51 AM   
s1nn3r


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Best advice I can offer a *19yo* dom is to go and get some life experience and check back here in about a decade or so.... Think of BDSM like College - ya gotta graduate Primary School then High School to qualify because Colleges don't do basic training!

So I'd start with such things as getting a job, your own place, a vanilla relationship or three and generally taking on responsibility for yourself. That includes admitting to your mistakes when you make them. Once you've got a handle on the basics, maybe you'll be ready to take charge and responsibility of/for a sub, too!

Nineteen legally makes you an adult but you're in way over your head right now! See ya in 10....

*Incominggggg....!*

Focus50.



God dammit! This kind of shit pisses me off! He may be only 19 but does that make him unworthy to be in this lifestyle? Hell, no. You gave some great advice in there but your over all tone was condescending. How can you rightfully tell him that he doesnt have enough life experience to be a Dom when you know nothing about him. You are generalizing him based on age and I personally think you should be ashamed of yourself.

Im 24. By alot of standards that may be young and you might tell me the same things. "Go out, get some life experience." Without knowing me what would you think? I must have some entry level job, not be financially stable, etc etc... You couldnt be farther from the truth. I own my own house. I own my own car. I make a decent living (Im not Bill Gates but I can hold my own) fighting for my country. Thats right, Im in the military. If that doesnt give you life experience I dont know what will.

I dont mean to flame on you but you should really think before you post these kinds of discouraging remarks. The man comes asking for support and you tell him to forget the lifestyle for 10 years. Like in 10 years he will automatically earn his Dominance or something.

You want advice, here is my advice. Dont ever listen to people that try to put you down. KNOW who you are. Before you can hope to Dom a sub/slave you have to Dom yourself. Look into what drives you, what you want out of life and go for it. Full steam and never let up. And the best advice I can give you about being in a BDSM relationship is this: remember that its about love and trust. She has to be able to trust you completely or she wont be able to give herself to you completely and when that happens you have to be ready for it. Remember, she is not an object, she's a real person to whom you can do real damage if you dont know what youre doing. Thats why you have to love her. Listen to your heart and you cant go wrong.

-s1n

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 9:17:01 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: s1nn3r
Im 24. By alot of standards that may be young and you might tell me the same things.

No, 24 *IS* young by all standards.

The problem is people stereotyping what "young" means instead of taking you as an individual.

quote:


"Go out, get some life experience." Without knowing me what would you think? I must have some entry level job, not be financially stable, etc etc... You couldnt be farther from the truth. I own my own house. I own my own car. I make a decent living (Im not Bill Gates but I can hold my own) fighting for my country. Thats right, Im in the military. If that doesnt give you life experience I dont know what will.

But you understand that you are the rarity in this? I understand that *I* am pretty rare for my age group, so I understand when people stereotype (even if I don't particularly enjoy it).

As well, someone who has their shit together, and who HAS done some amazing things as you...still might not know crap about how to relate to other people. That's not really an age issue, but it's relevent.

quote:

And the best advice I can give you about being in a BDSM relationship is this: remember that its about love and trust.

No, it's about authority. If you want it to be about love as well, that's your choice.

quote:

She has to be able to trust you completely or she wont be able to give herself to you completely and when that happens you have to be ready for it. Remember, she is not an object, she's a real person to whom you can do real damage if you dont know what youre doing. Thats why you have to love her. Listen to your heart and you cant go wrong.

People go wrong listening to their hearts all the time. Emotions are great indicators, horrible decision makers. You don't have to love someone in order to trust them. For example in your service, if you grabbed a hostage, they wouldn't have to love you in order to trust you had the training to get themout safely? IMO that's a LOT more severe "real life and death" situation than most bdsm people will EVER face...and there's no love involved there.

(in reply to s1nn3r)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 9:25:17 AM   
s1nn3r


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

No, it's about authority. If you want it to be about love as well, that's your choice.


I couldnt disagree with you more... the basic principal of this lifestyle is trust. If a sub/slave of mine cant trust me, how can she let herself go around me? In the same respect I have to love who she is. Love her enough not to do something irresponsible and reckless. How can you look out for someone's best interests if you dont at least care about them?

quote:

People go wrong listening to their hearts all the time. Emotions are great indicators, horrible decision makers. You don't have to love someone in order to trust them. For example in your service, if you grabbed a hostage, they wouldn't have to love you in order to trust you had the training to get themout safely? IMO that's a LOT more severe "real life and death" situation than most bdsm people will EVER face...and there's no love involved there.


I believe if you listen to your heart you can never go wrong. People go wrong listening to their minds and trying to over rationalize everything. Just like now, you are wrong when you say a hostage would trust me. Do you think any POWs trust their captors? Can you really believe that all those Jewish POWs trusted their Nazi captors? Same thing with the Iraqi hostages. They are simply doing what they are told out of self preservation which is a human beings' most basic instinct.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 9:33:05 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: s1nn3r
I couldnt disagree with you more... the basic principal of this lifestyle is trust.

No, that is a basic principle of ALL healthy relationships, this lifestyle is not special in that. It is the authority transfer dynamic of the relationship which separates it from others.

quote:

In the same respect I have to love who she is. Love her enough not to do something irresponsible and reckless.

Fine, that's your choice. I don't feel the same at all.

quote:

How can you look out for someone's best interests if you dont at least care about them?

CARING about not damaging something is HARDLY the same as loving them.

The Owner doesn't want me to be killed, he doesn't need to love me to make sure that happens and frankly if you NEED love to somehow feel happy and secure, isn't that some sort of ransom over the other person? What if they just don't love you anymore? Can they no longer trust and respect you?

Trust, respect and love are COMPLETELY different concepts, COMPLETELY unrelated to eachother. Love doesn't need to be in the picture at all for me.


quote:


I believe if you listen to your heart you can never go wrong. People go wrong listening to their minds and trying to over rationalize everything.

I never said people didn't go wrong listening to their minds also.

But people DO go wrong listening to their hearts all the time. Check out the boards, you will see it all over the place.
quote:


Just like now, you are wrong when you say a hostage would trust me. Do you think any POWs trust their captors? Can you really believe that all those Jewish POWs trusted their Nazi captors? Same thing with the Iraqi hostages. They are simply doing what they are told out of self preservation which is a human beings' most basic instinct.

I am sorry I should have been more clear in my example, I meant you were RESCUING a hostage from a situation.

(in reply to s1nn3r)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 10:13:48 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Don't take anything too seriously, especially yourself.

Don't be afraid of making mistakes.

Be honest.

Laugh - ESPECIALLY at yourself, and avoid anyone who says your not being "serious" enough.

Develop enough confidence to say "I don't know".

Use on-line resources for everything EXCEPT a relationship. Learn, find people, get involved in the community, seek advise, but you will never experience this lifestyle on-line.

Be open to LUCK. Make yourself available to all sizes, shapes, colors, and ages of people. Although a body is a fun thing to play with, a mind is the only thing you can truly dominate. If you want sensation be concerned with the body. If you want sensational, find someone that you mentally connect. That's where the "LUCK" part comes into the equation.

(in reply to DomEP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 11:57:31 AM   
Alexander


Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline 		Get the 2 foot legere tipped single tail from .. Mr-s I believe it was and hit yourself with it very hard a few times.

then remember it.

Also, share all hot sluts with me. You can contact me here when you've got one ready.

Alex.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 12:44:23 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		First, I suggest you don't describe yourself as "up and coming" -- sounds like you're trying to be either the newest attraction at the movies or a porn actor.

Also -- lose the A/all and Y/yall capitalization crap, unless you plan on only being up and coming in chatrooms.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to DomEP)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 2:09:32 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		The advice to get your own place is a good piece of advise. All though I don't see how having a few vanilla relationships then come back in 10 years would be of any use. A good job is a nice thing too, bdsm play is expensive, you got your basic toy expenses, and some women will expect to be wine'd and dine'd you have yo have money for that.


I definatly recomend having your own car, Not being able to drive is a huge turn off if I was looking for a dominant. I'm not saying that you don't have any of these things, I don't know if you do or you don't, so they're just suggestions.


Happy pervert his choice of typing is his own, you don't have any right to critisize if he types Y/y or You all.

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 8/5/2005 2:10:35 PM >

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 3:20:19 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: s1nn3r

God dammit! This kind of shit pisses me off! He may be only 19 but does that make him unworthy to be in this lifestyle? Hell, no. You gave some great advice in there but your over all tone was condescending. How can you rightfully tell him that he doesnt have enough life experience to be a Dom when you know nothing about him. You are generalizing him based on age and I personally think you should be ashamed of yourself.

Im 24. By alot of standards that may be young and you might tell me the same things. "Go out, get some life experience." Without knowing me what would you think? I must have some entry level job, not be financially stable, etc etc... You couldnt be farther from the truth. I own my own house. I own my own car. I make a decent living (Im not Bill Gates but I can hold my own) fighting for my country. Thats right, Im in the military. If that doesnt give you life experience I dont know what will.

I dont mean to flame on you but you should really think before you post these kinds of discouraging remarks. The man comes asking for support and you tell him to forget the lifestyle for 10 years. Like in 10 years he will automatically earn his Dominance or something.

You want advice, here is my advice. Dont ever listen to people that try to put you down. KNOW who you are. Before you can hope to Dom a sub/slave you have to Dom yourself. Look into what drives you, what you want out of life and go for it. Full steam and never let up. And the best advice I can give you about being in a BDSM relationship is this: remember that its about love and trust. She has to be able to trust you completely or she wont be able to give herself to you completely and when that happens you have to be ready for it. Remember, she is not an object, she's a real person to whom you can do real damage if you dont know what youre doing. Thats why you have to love her. Listen to your heart and you cant go wrong.

-s1n

This is too funny but, yes, my overall tone was meant to be condescending - duhhh! Yet I totally stand by what I said! Taking charge of someone begins with taking charge of yourself and though I don't know the OP personally, there's no way any teenager is mature enough to make that step - *IMO*!

You're right, I probably do think the same of you - especially since you're unable to grasp that I'm entitled to post *MY* opinion whether you approve or not....

Owning your own house and car is quite a feat at 24.... You did that all on your own? Either a house is really, really cheap in your neck of the woods or....

Focus50.

(in reply to s1nn3r)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 3:37:45 PM   
stormsfate


Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Owning your own house and car is quite a feat at 24.... You did that all on your own? Either a house is really, really cheap in your neck of the woods or....


Or he has a good job???

I think it is rare that someone would be mature enough at 19 (or 24) to take ownership of someone, but I don't think they are too young to learn and be involved in the lifestyle or even to be dominant within a relationship. At his age, it is probably not likely that he is looking for an absolute relationship so I don't see why there should be a problem.

To the OP, I would suggest doing a lot of reading and spending a lot of time getting to know yourself. I would also suggest trying to find groups local to your area and getting involved in the public community. You can learn a lot from watching, and will hopefully develop friendships/relationships which will also teach you quite a bit. A lot of groups have workshops and demos, and there are usually a few people hanging about who would jump at a chance to play (just please ask for instruction and do a lot of practicing before you pick up a bullwhip :::sigh::: ). For all that some would have you believe, if you get to know yourself and what you want, the rest will likely fall into place. Who knows, you could be very well known within the community within just a few years...lol.

It always struck me as funny that people are able to marry and have two kids by the time they are 19, but they aren't old enough to have a drink (or apparently learn about the lifestyle).


best regards,
fate

*Edited for typo

< Message edited by stormsfate -- 8/5/2005 3:39:12 PM >

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 5:40:12 PM   
s1nn3r


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

You're right, I probably do think the same of you - especially since you're unable to grasp that I'm entitled to post *MY* opinion whether you approve or not....


I think everyone has a right to their opinion but you dont have the right to downtalk someone just because of their age. I could make generalizations about old men saying they are all limp dicked and bald but I dont know everyone in the world that is old so I dont generalize. All I was saying was this should be a place of encouragement, especially towards people who are seeking advice.

quote:

Owning your own house and car is quite a feat at 24.... You did that all on your own? Either a house is really, really cheap in your neck of the woods or....


Considering the fact that at age 21 I was making $30/hr, I dont think my house would have to be "really, really cheap". Im willing to bet alot of "older" people, men and women alike, make less than $30/hr.

And before anyone says anything along the lines of leaving a $30/hr job, I find more fulfillment in protecting my country than I ever did cashing a large paycheck.

-s1n

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/5/2005 11:56:11 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: s1nn3r

God dammit! This kind of shit pisses me off! He may be only 19 but does that make him unworthy to be in this lifestyle? Hell, no. You gave some great advice in there but your over all tone was condescending. How can you rightfully tell him that he doesnt have enough life experience to be a Dom when you know nothing about him. You are generalizing him based on age and I personally think you should be ashamed of yourself.

Im 24. By alot of standards that may be young and you might tell me the same things. "Go out, get some life experience." Without knowing me what would you think? I must have some entry level job, not be financially stable, etc etc... You couldnt be farther from the truth. I own my own house. I own my own car. I make a decent living (Im not Bill Gates but I can hold my own) fighting for my country. Thats right, Im in the military. If that doesnt give you life experience I dont know what will.

I dont mean to flame on you but you should really think before you post these kinds of discouraging remarks. The man comes asking for support and you tell him to forget the lifestyle for 10 years. Like in 10 years he will automatically earn his Dominance or something.

You want advice, here is my advice. Dont ever listen to people that try to put you down. KNOW who you are. Before you can hope to Dom a sub/slave you have to Dom yourself. Look into what drives you, what you want out of life and go for it. Full steam and never let up. And the best advice I can give you about being in a BDSM relationship is this: remember that its about love and trust. She has to be able to trust you completely or she wont be able to give herself to you completely and when that happens you have to be ready for it. Remember, she is not an object, she's a real person to whom you can do real damage if you dont know what youre doing. Thats why you have to love her. Listen to your heart and you cant go wrong.

-s1n

This is too funny but, yes, my overall tone was meant to be condescending - duhhh! Yet I totally stand by what I said! Taking charge of someone begins with taking charge of yourself and though I don't know the OP personally, there's no way any teenager is mature enough to make that step - *IMO*!

You're right, I probably do think the same of you - especially since you're unable to grasp that I'm entitled to post *MY* opinion whether you approve or not....

Owning your own house and car is quite a feat at 24.... You did that all on your own? Either a house is really, really cheap in your neck of the woods or....

Focus50.



First age or lack of it doesn’t mean that some bright people cant be successful in business. I have a wide variety of friends and contacts about the world. I certainly know a few sons of friends who own their own houses or apartment buildings, simply because either they got into the Internet early and build large web business or an several cases the sones got involved in network marketing and build awesome businesses. I personally know one man who built a multimillion-dollar business before he turned 26. So ok these are exceptional people but I do object the concept that some one at the age of 24 has either bought his own home because it was dirt cheep (implying that its run down ready for demolition) or he is making money from illegal means.

However I do agree that what does count is MATURITY. Maturity does not equate with age and neither does life experience. I know plenty of mature people in their 20’s who have good life experience. Conversely, I know many older adults, some into the 60’s, who are still immature and have little life or street experience.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/6/2005 2:35:40 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stormsfate

I think it is rare that someone would be mature enough at 19 (or 24) to take ownership of someone, but I don't think they are too young to learn and be involved in the lifestyle or even to be dominant within a relationship. At his age, it is probably not likely that he is looking for an absolute relationship so I don't see why there should be a problem.

From the OP's profile....
DomEP:
"What I seek is a female sub/slave to take under my wing. I am strict Dom but I am an understanding Dom. I understand that a sub also has needs. If you are a female sub/slave age 18 - 25, I would be very interested in taking you under my wing."

quote:

To the OP, I would suggest doing a lot of reading and spending a lot of time getting to know yourself. I would also suggest trying to find groups local to your area and getting involved in the public community. You can learn a lot from watching, and will hopefully develop friendships/relationships which will also teach you quite a bit. A lot of groups have workshops and demos, and there are usually a few people hanging about who would jump at a chance to play (just please ask for instruction and do a lot of practicing before you pick up a bullwhip :::sigh::: ). For all that some would have you believe, if you get to know yourself and what you want, the rest will likely fall into place. Who knows, you could be very well known within the community within just a few years...lol.

I basically agree with this because it's about topping etc, which can be taught or learnt.
quote:

It always struck me as funny that people are able to marry and have two kids by the time they are 19, but they aren't old enough to have a drink (or apparently learn about the lifestyle).

But would you take on a 19yo owner?

Focus50.

(in reply to stormsfate)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Up and coming Dom seeking advice - 8/6/2005 3:02:41 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: s1nn3r

Considering the fact that at age 21 I was making $30/hr, I dont think my house would have to be "really, really cheap". Im willing to bet alot of "older" people, men and women alike, make less than $30/hr.

And before anyone says anything along the lines of leaving a $30/hr job, I find more fulfillment in protecting my country than I ever did cashing a large paycheck.

-s1n

quote:

Im 24. By alot of standards that may be young and you might tell me the same things. "Go out, get some life experience." Without knowing me what would you think?

Then the top quote answers your own question below it.... Which means you're out there gaining life experiences and learning about responsibility etc - well done; top marks! And that's what I'm advising the OP to do.....

The gist of my first post was about MATURITY. You don't gain that by coming of age (18 in Oz); you live it and learn from it and especially from making your own mistakes and learning from the experience.

I'm not up on the latest military ways but, by your reasoning and indignation, I gather it's also the age of 19 - 24yo Generals and Admirals, too - yes?

The "you can be anything you want" age was back in the nineties and, IMO, that's where it should stay as far as teen doms and masters go....

Focus50.

(in reply to s1nn3r)
Profile   Post #: 20
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