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Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 3:20:22 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		A question for subs/slaves.

Have you ever felt like your Dom/Master has given you too much freedom of choice, either generally or in regards to a particular topic.  Did that take away your safety net?

A little background.  Master and I have a new relationship, I won't wax lyrical about him being the "one", our relationship is solid and in a real time basis and we both have very in synch ideas as to what a M/s relationship should involve.  He has expanded his private life to include another, in short making our relationship a polyamorous one, and he has given me the choice how I wish to deal with that.  He has also been completely honest with both of us, fully disclosing his feelings about me to her and vice versa. 

So,  I can walk away (although he has said that is the least desireable outcome), I can fully immerse myself in the poly lifestyle and embrace them both, I can be friends with her, be fuck buddies with her, or have absolutely nothing to do with her and continue my relationship with him pretty much as it was before.  My choice.  So many choices!

This isn't an "OMG he betrayed me" thread.  He wants a poly lifestyle, I am not adverse to that at all.  I am finding myself butting my own head against the "jealousy" wall somewhat, and at times I find the concept a wonderful one, and at others I want to stamp my feet like a spoiled child who has to share her favourite toy :)

All those feelings aside, the thing that is striking me as most peculiar, is in the absence of a "direct order" from my Master... given this free choice so that I can make the best choice for my needs, I feel a little... lost?  I respect the fact that he has not forced this on me, and given me the time and space I need to make a decision of my own free will... but then part of me wants him to tell me what to do so that I can stop struggling with myself and just do as he bids me.

Throughout much of my submission I have chuckled and often felt that whatever the particulars of his order are, the underlying theme is "Sassi, get over yourself and just do what I tell you to".  It is this stripping of pride, arrogance, vanilla taboos that strengthens our bonds (I dont need to explain that to you though right?)

Ugh I am rambling :)  Have you, as a submissive/slave, felt like this?  Have you ever felt like you have too much freedom?
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 3:24:04 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Nope, but then I'm not one who subscribes to doing any and everything a dom tells you to so I'm prolly not one who should be answering here.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 3:25:21 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		~grinning~

No ... but I have been known to take liberties.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 3:31:54 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Nope, but then I'm not one who subscribes to doing any and everything a dom tells you to so I'm prolly not one who should be answering here.


Ah nevermind, I re-read your post and realized I interpreted it wrong :)


< Message edited by MidnightMaiden -- 11/5/2007 3:32:46 PM >

(in reply to bandit25)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 3:34:51 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I understand, but I meant in general.  I think it's a good thing he's letting you make your own decision.  I mean, he told you what he thinks is the least desirable and he's given you several choices.  I don't see that as too much freedom at all.  I see it as his respecting you and your feelings on the matter.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 4:01:23 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I understand the feeling, but I can say as a dominant, I will often give slack to see exactly what sort of effect my training has had on them since we started. 

As a submissive, perhaps the thing to do would be to think of and request a few things for him to be more micro managing towards which have absolutely nothing to do with the poly or other woman issue of the relationship.  Just be careful to not make them things where he does tons of work and you lay back and get the attention- something such as a "homework check" every evening would take no more than 2 or 3 minutes and yet would be a good solid way to tighten your leash.

DOn't worry- most subs are horrible control freaks, that's why they WANT so many rules and regulations.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to bandit25)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 4:13:52 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		I once did get a complaint that I wasn't tough enough. He was very new and I wanted to take it slowly, but he wanted to jump right in.

He did say he regretted saying it and wished he'd shut up.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 5:10:36 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		He can't order you to feel no jealousy or insecurity and that is what's going on. He could order you to journal about your feelings or to discuss them with him, but honestly you ought to be talking things out with him anyway. And if he isn't interested in helping you sort things out, then he wouldn't be much of a friend.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 5:36:56 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		We've talked extensively about how I feel, openly, I've been bratty and pushy a few times, trying to see where the boundaries have shifted or changed, and he hasn't punished me.  Likewise I have said I am not deliberately being disrespectful or trying to push his buttons, but without him drawing a firm boundary I have to feel my way around and figure out where it is and he is giving me the room to do that.  The issue isn't about whether or not he is helping me through this, he is a fantastic man and is doing everything necessary for this situation.

LA is spot on the money... I feel lost (and a little lonely) without feeling the tautness of my leash. I will talk to him and see if we can find a way that is totally unrelated to this situation to get that secure feeling back, perhaps with that I can relax a little more about the decision making process.  And yes I am a terrible control freak, thank you LA :)

(in reply to Celeste43)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 6:52:47 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidnightMaiden
the thing that is striking me as most peculiar, is in the absence of a "direct order" from my Master... given this free choice so that I can make the best choice for my needs, I feel a little... lost?  I respect the fact that he has not forced this on me, and given me the time and space I need to make a decision of my own free will... but then part of me wants him to tell me what to do so that I can stop struggling with myself and just do as he bids me

I may be the only one who feels this way but I actually find it refreshing that he is allowing you to choose how to approach the matter.  So many times around here, we read of poly being pretty much "sprung on" someone.  They commit to a dom/master who then fills them in on his desire for poly.  It's their tough luck to either like it or leave.

In your case, he seems to have been open about things and how he would like things to be.  Unlike many doms we read about here, he is handling things in an adult, mature manner by laying it all out on the table and letting you decide if/how you can handle it.  I find that a refreshing change.  Don't expect him to tell you what to do.  Really think about what you need to do.  In your shoes, I would feel proud and grateful to have a dominant partner who allowed me such freedom of choice.  Thanks for sharing.  A nice change of pace.................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 7:56:18 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		In a matter such as this, he is wanting you to delve within yourself to find what works best for you. He (I think) does not want to force your submission, nor does he want your unhappiness..hence..The Choice factor..and possibly another way to appease the control freak within..:0)...another case of be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/5/2007 9:20:14 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		I am both grateful and proud that I belong to him.  I feel that he did "spring" this new situation on me a little (in that I was the last of the three of us to know but somebody had to be right?) but he has never said "This is the way its going to be" or worse "If you don't accept this then you lose me".  He has even given me the option of being able to maintain a very large portion of our previous relationship without involving myself in the poly aspect at all.  I feel very loved and treasured that my feelings are that important. 

This post wasn't a complaint at all, but rather to discover whether other subs/slaves felt at a "loss" when their leash was loosened a little, and I knew without giving the details a lot of posts would say "well I don't know your circumstances so I can only guess..."  

Edited to add:  I am grateful for all the replies though on the circumstances, it is always helpful to get different perspectives, particularly from others not in the situation, so thank you to all who contributed.


< Message edited by MidnightMaiden -- 11/5/2007 9:21:04 PM >

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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/6/2007 6:41:37 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Master always tells  me sweetheart you can do whatever you want as long as you are prepared to pay the conquences for your action.  i never know what they are gonna be so it give me very little leeway.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/6/2007 7:10:11 PM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidnightMaiden

Have you, as a submissive/slave, felt like this?  Have you ever felt like you have too much freedom?



Yes, and at times I truly hate it.  In the past I would struggle with decision and wish he would just make them for me but he would push me and leave me alone to make up my own mind. I hated it at first but now as I look back I realized how much I have grown as person and in my mind the more I grow the better I can serve him. There is also a sense of pride I have that I never had before. I also believe it gives the Dom a sense of peace and pride to know that they can leave their subs alone and they will be able to make the best decision for their relationship.



< Message edited by LaMspeach -- 11/6/2007 7:13:17 PM >

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/7/2007 12:10:00 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
I may be the only one who feels this way but I actually find it refreshing that he is allowing you to choose how to approach the matter.  So many times around here, we read of poly being pretty much "sprung on" someone.  They commit to a dom/master who then fills them in on his desire for poly.  It's their tough luck to either like it or leave.


Hi luci,

I agree with you about the refreshing bit, particularly in this type of situation.  An array of emotions can swarm a submissive when faced with a poly dynamic. Such emotions can bring about some very deep and confusing feelings, never experienced before.  I see this as the dominant giving the submissive plenty of room to explore her own feelings and reactions to the situation, and to grow into it naturally.  Refreshing indeed.

Not easy, however, but refreshing!

I have twice been given the floor regarding important decisions.  The first was when I wanted to leave my marriage.  Anything having to do with my marriage, separation, and filing for divorce was not something he would even influence, other than to assign me various essays about the subject to understand where my head was, and so that I would understand where my head was and feel confident in my decision.  The other was regarding having children.  He knew it had been a life long dream of mine to have kids, and said he would allow me to if I still wanted to, but would leave that choice up to me, particularly since he suspects I will outlive him by many years.  By then, however, he had already taught me the tools to use in order to make such choices for myself.

To the OP, I can only suggest to pause, breathe, and consider - even journal - all options and how you feel as you think of them.  This will help guide you to your comfort zone.

(in reply to slaveluci)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/7/2007 12:24:15 AM   
twistedkytten


Posts: 240
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline 		FR-

Sometimes... I wonder, or feel as if perhaps Master no longer cares what this one does... He never checks... He rarely asks... then I realize, I am a girl that does as she is told. I know His rules and expectatons .. I follow them...  only time I get any extra rope is when He wants a struggle... *smiles softly*

_____________________________

Obedience is life, girl lives to serve her Master

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/7/2007 1:26:24 AM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		An update for those who have helped with advice :)  Lots of breathing helped, as did walking, and saying out loud "Get over yourself girl".  LOTS of journalling!

I spoke with her last night really for the first time, a girl to girl chat.  It was brief but it went well, we both laughed, we actually have a lot in common I think (Master is chuckling as he reads this I know it).  I think all three of us have pretty amazing personalities, and I think its going to be ok :)

(in reply to twistedkytten)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/7/2007 11:58:34 AM   
tulitukka


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/11/2007
Status: offline 		One possibility for you is to go to him and tell that this is what you want: You want it to be his choice and you want it to be another thing in your life by which you submit to him. But think hard before you do that. Can you do it? Are you willing to submit to him in that?

The reason he is asking what you want, is that most likely you have not negotiated this; it is not something that is part of the "submission package" that you have offered. So he asks what you want - and he might actually be surprised (positively) if you did decide that it is another thing you can submit to him.

But he should not force such submission and that is the reason he cannot tell you what to do.

Don't make such a decision lightly, because it requires huge amount of trust in his abilities to handle things in a way that benefits you all.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/7/2007 3:12:03 PM   
ISOHOH49


Posts: 28
Joined: 10/20/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think it would be fair for you to have him make this selection for you. Even as sub/slaves we still have responsibility.  Maybe you should talk to him about this not as his sub but as two adult.  Ask question and get a full understanding of what  everyone role is in  all of this, Will you all be living together. What happen if thing don't work out. How much time will be spent together or apart.  You get the idea.  Please talk to him and let him know what you are feeling.

You along have to make the call.  

(in reply to tulitukka)
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RE: Enough rope to hang yourself - 11/7/2007 8:16:39 PM   
msindigomontoya


Posts: 28
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I once did get a complaint that I wasn't tough enough. He was very new and I wanted to take it slowly, but he wanted to jump right in.He did say he regretted saying it and wished he'd shut up.


Like the old chinese curse.. be careful what you wish for, you just might get it, lol.

Indigo

Whoo Hoo.. got rid of that damn ice cream cone!

< Message edited by msindigomontoya -- 11/7/2007 8:17:42 PM >

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
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