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How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/5/2007 10:04:46 PM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

I guess I might seem a little irrational. But I have never really been RL with a person who defines themselve a dominant. My experience is limited to a 3 year relationship with a vanilla convert and I did alot of topping from the bottom...he was very well trained

I had to do it that way because back then there was no internet. But since the internet I have had online relationships that failed where many woman were suceeding.

As much as this community looks down on online relationships(and I eschew them now myself) I feel I learned something.

My fear is I will find someone I really like and be unable to please him and he will end up releasing me because I am not a good enough submissive

The desires are in me and I have been a submissive since I was 8. But I don't know if submissive desires are pure enough

Post #: 1

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 12:02:33 AM

mya75

Posts: 300
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

I think desire alone isnt enough you must be willing to learn and be open to change..Only your Master determines if you are a good submissive..all you can do is follow instruction,and serve to the best of your capability.....push your limits and trust your instinct......I am sure you will do fine .......mya

_____________________________

~**Mya Papaya**~

"A fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise person learns from the mistakes of others."

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 2

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 2:29:04 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

What do you think makes a *good sub*?

If you get to know someone well, you'll find out if you're compatable but being a *good sub* is subjective.

If you're going to choose to be submissive TO someone, then *feeling* it isn't enough, no. At some point you have to *do* it. All it really means to BE submissive is to submit your will.

agirl

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 3

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 5:25:59 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Fresh baked bread, traditional hard butter, and a great filling. Oh, and don't lick your fingers when spreading...

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 4

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 7:42:42 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

This does strike a chord with me. I am always wondering if I am good enough. I have never been owned so my submission has been during play or with one who didnt want 24/7 with me. I have been told that I am a good submissive and that I have a strong submissive streak. Why is it that I never believe its true? Maybe because I could never be convinced that I am a good girl? Or the fact that I am so strong and outspoken. Even prone to cracking jokes occasionaly during play. So I am submissive, I have never felt like a good one though. Feelings of inferiority? I dont know. I would be more prone to believing I was a good girl over I was a good submissive.

I guess it doesnt really matter how you label yourself. Find someone who likes you and your spirit and it will all be fine.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 5

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 7:42:59 AM

treehugger42

Posts: 29
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

Probably an answer you're going to get a lot: there is no one way to be a "good sub", different dominants like different things. Hell, some want you to be a brat. A good one will let you know in no uncertain terms what you're doing that displeases him. If you listen... then I guess you're a good sub.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 6

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 9:20:19 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Do you desire to submit more than dominate? Do you like to do both? Don't focus so much on the "purity" of your desire - find someone with whom you are compatible and work from there. Be honest about your concerns and the person who fits with you will work on it with you, accepting you whatever the outcome.

(in reply to treehugger42)

Post #: 7

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 9:28:02 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Fresh baked bread, traditional hard butter, and a great filling. Oh, and don't lick your fingers when spreading...
the.dark.

Damn! That was the first thing beth and I thought; you have to start with GOOD crusty bread and good cold cuts, preferably from 'Boar's Head'; or you may as well use a tortilla and Oscar Mayer cold cuts from the processed cheese section of the supermarket.

However butter?!? What's up with that? No 'east coast' or "true" sub would be caught dead coated in butter.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 8

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 9:38:28 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

These are relationships just like any other relationship. Fear of not being good enough has nothing to do with this life and is just a general fear of getting dumped by a person you have fallen for. There is no difference!

The specific things about this life are like other things a regular couple might go through just that these seem so out there and are discussed more openly instead of letting nature take its course with our fingers crossed. This is about compatibility and mutual values and goals.

As long as you are honest to yourself and to the person you are wanting to find then you have what every one else must do and that is that fearful leap of faith. There are no guarantees in life but honesty and being yourself is always plenty good enough and if someone finds that they do not want to be with you it will not be because of you but the compatibility, values and goals between you two were different.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 9

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 9:49:18 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

To me, there are a few basic traits that can determine if a sub is "good" or not. Those are selflessness, obedience, and respect. I don't know of a single dominant that doesn't want a selfless sub. If you are willing to put your dominants wishes and needs above your own, then you are one step closer. As far as I know, all dominants want an obedient pet. Listen to your dominant. They are there to teach and guide you on the journey of becoming an integral part of their lives. You want to be of service to them, so listen and learn. Above everything else, you need to respect your dominant and their authority over you. For you to be a good sub, you have to respect your dominant because you are accepting their word as law.

Without those traits as a foundation, you will most likely deliver a half-ass job to serving your dominant.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to treehugger42)

Post #: 10

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 9:56:48 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

If you pick the right dom, this won't be a problem. If you pick someone who expects you to know everything without being told, or to be able to change lifelong habits with a fingersnap it will. Learn how to screen for dominants who want you to succeed and will help you problem solve instead of just blaming and punishing.

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 11

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 10:29:45 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I was raised the ole churned on the farm butter way.
No butter is cool though - a good dressing or mayo is a worthy substitute!- anything as long as it isn't that it-has-to-be-fake-and-is-also-far-too-yellow-to-be-good-for-you 'stuff'....

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 12

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 12:35:03 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rubberpet

To me, there are a few basic traits that can determine if a sub is "good" or not. Those are selflessness, obedience, and respect. I don't know of a single dominant that doesn't want a selfless sub. If you are willing to put your dominants wishes and needs above your own, then you are one step closer. As far as I know, all dominants want an obedient pet. Listen to your dominant. They are there to teach and guide you on the journey of becoming an integral part of their lives. You want to be of service to them, so listen and learn. Above everything else, you need to respect your dominant and their authority over you. For you to be a good sub, you have to respect your dominant because you are accepting their word as law.

Without those traits as a foundation, you will most likely deliver a half-ass job to serving your dominant.

Are they *good sub* traits?

Respect is inspired; If it's lacking, it's as much to do with the dominant as it is the *good sub*.

Obedience springs from the same source.

Selflessness isn't something I've ever had in abundance where M is concerned and I've not found it to be a barrier to submitting or serving. I might not THINK of M's needs before my own but it doesn't mean that I can't execute them. M is far more selfless than I am.

I'm far more selfless with the people I'm responsible for and who rely on me, than I am with M. He's perfectly able to get his needs and desires sorted without me having to get there first. I don't expect MY needs to come first with the people that rely on me, either.

Having a common outlook is far more helpful.

agirl

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 13

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 12:45:47 PM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

I think each person should give and take.
If one partner is selfless and the other is selfish, it is not a very good relationship.
Maybe a Dom is sometimes looking for a selfless slave without looking within himself to determine if he is worthy.
In Vanilla relationships addicts and alcholics are attracted to selfless nurturing persons. It is because they are completely selfish themselves

< Message edited by shootingstar67 -- 11/6/2007 12:50:06 PM >

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 14

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 12:47:42 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Selflessness is not a submissive trait. Selfishness is.
If you are a submissive and disregard domination - that would be selfless.

As a submissive, you need dominance to submit - to be obedient. A totally selfish desire.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 15

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/6/2007 9:23:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You won't be good in any relationship until you decide who you are and what you need for yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 16

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/7/2007 7:41:38 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rubberpet

To me, there are a few basic traits that can determine if a sub is "good" or not. Those are selflessness, obedience, and respect. I don't know of a single dominant that doesn't want a selfless sub.

The Man doesn't want any of that. He wants me selfish so that when he asks a question he gets a real answer, and not that passive aggressive "whatever you want" stuff. He wants me excited and involved and happy. He doesn't want me doing things dully but obediently.

He doesn't want me acting respectful towards him if he's acting like a jerk. In that case he wants me to call him on it. He's secure enough not to want me to mirror behaviors but to be the authentic me, even if that means accepting that his behavior has been below standards.

He wants me self actualized and as strong as possible. Plus he also wants me in love with him and compatible on the important stuff.

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 17

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/7/2007 9:43:41 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

Obviously, you have misinterpreted my statement, Celeste. I'm just giving my opinion on what I have learned through the years. You are free to act anyway you want with your dom. The philosophy I preach is what works best in my relationship and quite a few others that I know about. There is no cookie cutter or default D/s relationship...everyone is different. What works for me might not work for you or vice versa. If Mistress says or does something stupid, I will call Her down on it, but in a respectful way. She will be the first to tell you that I am my own person and I will speak my mind. She not only encourages my individuality, but expects it. She doesn't want a doormat. You can be selfless, obedient, and respectful without sacrificing your own principles of individuality and without being a doormat.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 18

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/7/2007 12:07:49 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rubberpet

Obviously, you have misinterpreted my statement, Celeste. I'm just giving my opinion on what I have learned through the years. You are free to act anyway you want with your dom. The philosophy I preach is what works best in my relationship and quite a few others that I know about. There is no cookie cutter or default D/s relationship...everyone is different. What works for me might not work for you or vice versa. If Mistress says or does something stupid, I will call Her down on it, but in a respectful way. She will be the first to tell you that I am my own person and I will speak my mind. She not only encourages my individuality, but expects it. She doesn't want a doormat. You can be selfless, obedient, and respectful without sacrificing your own principles of individuality and without being a doormat.

Except that isn't what you said. If you had said that what makes you a good sub to your M is being selfless, obedient, and respectful nobody would have disagreed with you.

You've had several people commenting negatively because you said these were the traits that constitute being a good sub. So of course those of us who operate from a different pov had to point out to the op that what you said is not universal.

Oh and here, respect is earned and given on both sides of the slash.

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 19

RE: How do I know if I'd make a good sub - 11/7/2007 4:55:17 PM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

What is the difference between having the traits of a good sub and what constitutes a good sub? It is the same exact thing. You can't be who you are without traits. Selflessness, obedience, and showing respect to your dominant are some of the traits that make up a good sub. I just didn't realize that acknowledging positive characteristics like selflessness, obedience, and respect to your dominant would start such a negative uproar.

What we had here was a failure to communicate. Syntax - the number one killer of positive communication.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 20

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