|
Padriag -> RE: Intimacy (8/13/2005 2:12:32 PM)
|
I've been thinking about this thread off an on for days trying to find the right words with which to respond. Its not often someone asks a question that generates so much introspection, and perhaps what surprises me most is that I hadn't really examined this aspect of myself before. There have also been a number of things said since the original question that struck chords with me, a lot to comment on. I'll try not to be too long winded, though some of what I'm going to say will be baring my soul a bit. I can't think how to answer honestly and not end up doing that. At any rate, kudo's Faramir for giving me something that has caused me to think introspectively quite deeply.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Faramir
I utterly dismiss this model. The hard-ass part of D/s is completely separate from our ability to love and nurture.
If in fact they are separate universes, you can love/nurture and still enforce strict discipline. At that point you really can lean in close and say, with perfect sincerity, “I am going to hurt you for that, cunt” without any malice, and still nurturing her with a wide-open heart.
My word for it is “integration,” I think this faulty single continuum model leads two ways – either an emasculated dom who is hesitant to exercise his authority or even sadism (not that sadism is a requisite for PE), or a dom who cuts off their own humanity, insulates themselves emotionally in order to hurt and use and command.
I think a better, more accurate model of truly separate universes, discipline and nurture, can be a step forward in integrating ourselves in D/s
I absolutely agree with this and its one of the things that has troubled me about so many. For me, BDSM isn't a gateway to intimacy, but it can be part of it. Like you however, I don't see love and discipline as opposites. I get that from my grandfather I suppose, he was stern man when he needed to be but he was also very loving... and there was no contradition in that. There's a line from an old Dan Folgelberg song that I think sums it up, "He earned his love through discipline, a thundering velvet hand; his gentle means of sculpting souls took me years to understand." For me that lyric has always reminded me of my grandfather, but it also resonates with what being dominant means to me personally.
But back to your original post you asked about how BDSM relates to intimacy and love for each of us... and for me personally I had to do a bit of soul searching to answer that.
For me the BDSM, intimacy and love are all seperate things. I had to think hard about this because at first they seemed blur together and it wasn't until I thought about a very special friend that I started to unravel my feelings. There is a young lady I know, we'll call her Z, who is very special to me... to be blunt I love her, have since we met and probably always will. She is a truly remarkable woman, my intellectual equal, she loves swords more than I do and is an expert swordswoman, she plays a half dozen musical instruments (sometimes professionally), she is a talented artist, she speaks seven languages (most of them fluently), she is generous and can be incredibly kind when she wants to. There is a fierceness too about her that I admire. She's also a Mistress and neither of us is ever going to submit to the other. Sometimes we argue but it never lasts... and never has she ever tried to shame me, or I her, in any of those fights. We are friends, and I hope we remain so for as long as we both live, but that relationship will for various reasons always be platonic. There is no BDSM involved nor intimacy, and yet, I do love her. Doesn't hurt any that she's gorgeous. [;)] And it is somewhat humbling to know that a 5'1" doll can kick your ass in a duel!
I took really thinking about that for me to find the lines that separate BDSM and intimacy and love for me. In a Master / slave relationship I can be loving, affectionate, gentle, kind, caring, nurturing, strict, demanding, harsh, firm, rough, passionate, aggressive and even sadistic and there is no conflict in that. It seems I inherited that "thundering velvet hand" of my grandfathers... I'd like to think I'm something like him, I admired him a lot. He was my first best friend and he had an impact on my life that to this day I am still learning to understand.
For me to have intimacy with some one I need privacy, I need a sharing and exchange of parts of ourselves the world is not allowed to see or touch. That more than anything else is why I have never been able to share, never been comfortable playing in public, etc. because the BDSM play, the power exchange, can become a form of intimacy, something I prefer to keep private. Its not the only way I can express intimacy or find it, but it is one way among several.
Love is still another matter... I can be intimate with someone I don't love, or love someone I am not intimate with. After still more soul searching I realized that although there are many qualities I enjoy and find attractive, such as intelligence, creativity, artistic and musical talent, long dark hair and green eyes... the one thing that is absolutely necessary for love... for me at least... is respect. I cannot love someone I cannot respect. Realizing that made it clear why I have always found the idea of "tearing down" a slave abhorrent... why I have always saught to build them up instead. If I were to tear a slave down, I wouldn't respect her, and that would destroy some of the magic to the relationship for me.
That may be more than some wanted to know about me, but I couldn't think how else to explain it without also being so open.
|
|
|
|
