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AAkasha -> RE: submisisve man or sexually-submissive bottom (11/9/2007 9:53:36 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
I've read the other posts, and have to say that I agree with what most of the other folks are saying. It's OK to be a sexual sub/bottom as long as you're up front about it. It's also OK to be confused about where you fit. Everyone has to start somewhere, but you don't usually stay there.
What pisses dominant women off is false advertising. When a guy who's really just a sexual bottom says or implies that his submissiveness extends outside that realm, it doesn't go over well. What gets lost in the shuffle is the fact that a lot of inexperienced "s"-type guys aren't quite sure where their boundaries are. They need some actual experience to figure out how much of their desire is self-indulgent fantasy, and how much is realistic. The profile options don't include a label for this.
Of course, the problem is further muddled by the erotic nature of all of this. Guys don't think so straight when sexually aroused.
It would be great if someone took the time to create a 100-question type survey that kinky people could fill out, and as a result, you'd get a score/graph that actually plotted your sexuality vs. kink drive, or your "fetish intensity scale" or whatever. Just a simple label of "bottom" doesn't work in many cases. Just as some men who are generally assertive don't think they label "submissive" fits. What if they are not the type to let anyone walk all over them? What if they see themselves as absolutely devoted to their lady, but can't envision a relationship where they might have no say? What if they feel guilty and think they deserve the dreaded "bottom" label because while the kink might not need to be sexual, they have a sexual connection in their head?
My man isn't submissive in his personality and he never self labeled himself as submissive or even kinky. In our relationship dynamic, he's ultimately submissive to me, it's clear that I am the one driving the direction of the relationship and making the decisions, but I call on his opinion for most things and in some cases just give him the decision making process. But to outsiders, we'd come across as pretty equal, even though we both know I will always have the final say in everything, and he generally thinks of my needs before his, as a rule. Now on some days, I get a kinky bug in me, and I have to be much more demanding all day long and he gives into that. Most of our "scenes" are sexually charged, but whether or not orgasms happen for either one of us just depends on my mood.
I've had relationships with "sexually submissive men" in the past and it wasn't a disaster, even though I don't consider myself a "dominant top" per se; but I just used the sexual carrot to keep the energy how I liked it, and as long as the submissive doesn't need sexual release, or to go down on me, as a part of every, single kinky moment, it's fine.
Submissive men juggle a lot of mixed signals when they read the expectations of dominant women. We kinky ladies say we want an assertive man and not a wormy type, but we are quick to brush off the idea of a "sexual submissive." So if a man is not a pushover, wants to have a voice, has a pretty strong backbone, and will not let himself be walked on inappropriately in a relationship, he struggles with whether that puts him in the "bottom" category, which is as appealing as being an ex-con for some femdom women who want it all. If a man tries to convey himself as submissive entirely, he comes across as a kiss ass.
That's why a scale would be helpful. There are plenty of men who are incredibly devoted, chivalrous, and would give the world to a lady (once in love with her), but there's no way in hell they'd be self labeled as "submissive" out of the gate with a woman in a relationship, because that's emotional suicide. Total devotion is a very tricky thing. If a man is sincere about how he gives it, then he protects it and doesn't just slap a label on it. If a man gives it to any woman starting on the first date, he's emotionally naive and/or damaged goods by the time the sharks get through with him and break his heart a dozen times.
Akasha
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