RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet?

RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (Full Version)

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MystressDream -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 4:22:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TessaH ok ... chiming in here ... my first try at dipping my toe in the forum thread waters on here. I've been reading through about 200 men's responses and initiated CM emails to me. I select few of those I've chatted with in Yahoo and an even small percentage I've voice and cammed with ... only talk mind you. I don't do the instant dominantion thang. I have to say I've seen some distinct catagories that can be generally applied to the Dom population. I'll probably get flamed big time for this, but I think most subby's seeking a RL Dom will recognize them. * There are the Doms, who only want to show you naughty pictures and have you tell them how you'd like them to dominant you. * The abusers in disguise, using your masochist tendencies as an excuse to let go their aggression and anger toward women * Sub Males who masquerade as Sensual or Switch Doms, just waiting to turn their life over to you. * The "BURNED" long distance Doms, who use the miles between you to push you away, cause in reality they are only dreaming here. Like dogs in heat they run after you, and paint pretty pictures of tomorrows, then run away crying foul when you ask them to meet you. sigh With all of them I try desparately to stay on the more cerbrial side of the convo, but that rarely works. Now, like most people, I enjoy teasing and flirting and titillation, but ulimately, then few men who I really feel compelled by are those who have invested in me as a person, counseling me to be patient and selective and careful. We have ((OMG!!)) normal conversations that flow easily in and out of the context of the lifestyle. THIS to me is a true Dominant. You don't avoid it, but you don't constantly gravitate to it either. And what lifestyle talk is engaged in, its not all sexual. In Fact, the realer and more experienced they are the more likely they are to be more stating the facts and educational in thier point of view I've found. As a newbie I can really appreciate this. In comparisons the others just come off like dogs in heat with little brains or real life - be it vanilla or otherwise. What ARE they thinking? ;p It can be so draining and disappointing, honestly, but I am sure it is 10 times worse for men … true Doms .. seeking their significant submissive. But, you only get to seeing these different types by asking the sometimes impurtinant questions that are necessary to getting to the heart of them. I hate to push people into one of these catagories, so talk and ask tons of questions and apologize when I sometimes sounds like I am interrogating. I even joke in the first emails .. "here starts the interrogation", cause with my psychology background I know the questions to ask to get to the meat of them.If they steer shy of them I'll try again. But by the 3rd time I am done and I'll wish them good luck in their search, but inform them I don't feel we are a good match. Tessa -) always rains last .... under the trees * Oh my... hang on, kiddo.... LOL I hope, since you state you are new to this, and this is your first post to the forums, that people are gentle with you. <chuckle> You will soon learn that using the words "true", "real", "always" and "never" get you in trouble here. Almost as much trouble as classifying people will. *Welcome to the boards.... I hope you can withstand the possible storm your post could cause. <smile>*

juliaoceania -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 4:35:05 PM)
quote: Oh my... hang on, kiddo.... LOL I hope, since you state you are new to this, and this is your first post to the forums, that people are gentle with you. <chuckle> You will soon learn that using the words "true", "real", "always" and "never" get you in trouble here. Almost as much trouble as classifying people will. *Welcome to the boards.... I hope you can withstand the possible storm your post could cause. <smile>* I wonder why you feel the need to state this? I have read several of your posts, and I must say you are one of the most jaded people I have seen posting. No one has made one negative comment toward this submissive, why the warnings? I found nothing wrong in her use of "true". It is all context hun, let me put it this way, as long as a person sticks to what is true to them without trying to foist their view of "true" on to me... I don't care... as my sigline says... "once you label me you negate me".... her post labelled no one. It negated no one. It does not say one sort of person is "weal" and another "twue", whilst another person is not... surely you can see the difference?

ownedgirlie -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 5:18:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I found nothing wrong in her use of "true". I have learned in these forums that much like that poor guy who went into epileptic seizures every time he heard Mary Hart's voice, there's a huge handful of folks who have the same issue when such words as "true", "real" and "authentic" are used, in any context. I don't have any heartburn over those words and use them myself, and have even been ridiculed for doing so. I see such folks as just another victim of a Mary Hart - type of seizure :)

juliaoceania -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 5:56:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I found nothing wrong in her use of "true". I have learned in these forums that much like that poor guy who went into epileptic seizures every time he heard Mary Hart's voice, there's a huge handful of folks who have the same issue when such words as "true", "real" and "authentic" are used, in any context. I don't have any heartburn over those words and use them myself, and have even been ridiculed for doing so. I see such folks as just another victim of a Mary Hart - type of seizure :) I dislike the word "true" most of the time myself (as you know...lol). I especially dislike it when people state things like a "true sub does this" and a "real dom does that" and you are a "fake sadist if your partner is a masochist" and only a "real slave" is spiritual. Yadda yadda yadda... Blah blah blah As long as the words are not used to put entire groups of people into boxes to boost the self esteem of the person doing it, I have no problem with those words... all too often those words are used to denigrate some, and boost the position of others with all the incumbant labels attached.

Michaelsangel -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 8:57:42 PM)
While this is my first time on a forum like this, i did meet Sir on a vanilla dating site! Our first e-mails were all about asking each other questions about our likes and dislikes, our pasts and goals for the future so i had no problem asking Him questions. As our relationship grew and we finally met face to face, we were more comfortable with each other. So when the time came for us to delve further into our lives and how we viewed a D/s lifestyle, there was no problem discussing it. We had already gotten over the original angst and were ready to probe further into who we were and what we wanted to get out of the relationshipand i was more than prepared to submit to Him. rose aka Michaelsangel

laurell3 -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 9:19:18 PM)
Any time I have been in the dominant role looking for a partner, I have always made it rather clear that the initial stages of conversation were nonrole based, open communication. I personally think it's very important that both parties feel like they can ask whatever they need to know. Besides, it gets tiring carrying the conversation alone and honestly I really want to know their personality as much as any answer to specific questions. I can't know that if they don't talk, laugh, joke, share. As a sub entering a relationship, I expect the same.

darchChylde -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 10:21:08 PM)
i don't know about online, but there's definitely a feeling out process for me; i don't go into it with an interviewer's checklist but i have a few things that i need to know if a relationship is going to work i do try to get this information through the natural exposition of a conversation, but being coy doesn't always cut it... during the first stages, i am not her submissive and i have to set the stage to let her know i can think for myself... i believe in being respectful, and eventually submissive if she's earned it; but not in being a fool it's not just about sex or scenes, but before it gets serious, i think we need to know if our interests are incompatible,,, anal is a hard limit, i'd hate to fall in love with someone and find out that she thinks strap-on play is "to die for" only when we go through the checklist... maybe it's just me, but i think that would be important information to have up front

umisprite -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 10:44:14 PM)
I am a questioner, at all stages of a relationship. Not check-list job app type questions but conversational ones. How else will I learn? If and how he answers is still up to him.

shootingstar67 -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 12:37:47 AM)
This is a hard one. Intellectually I know I should be asking alot of questions as a submissive looking for a Dom but sometimes I will tend to let the dom lead. Maybe that is not such a bad thing. If the dom leads us into waters we should not be in at the moment, I might submit to it and answer and ask the questions-- but later reject that dominant for leading us into the wrong direction. If the Dominant deliberately keeps the conversation light and casual and limited to current events, I will take cues from him and avoid asking anything too personal or even too many questions. What I look for more then a dominant is a good leader. A man who is just dominant might push for what he wants at the moment. A good leader will lead us (he and I) in a healthy, constructive direction. I don't want to get into a situtation that, just to keep our heads above water, I have to take over and make all the decisions and have all the say so, just because my partner can't lead responsibly

BiteGirl -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 12:51:18 AM)
Hm. To put it nicely, if you are not compatiable in conversation, you will probably not be compatable elsewhere. That being said, you could always talk to the sub(s) and say hey, if you feel that you can't ask questions you can and if you are not interested please say so. Honesty's the best policy, it also makes your search easyer if you weed out those that are not appealing to you. A fair few people off here seem to take talking all to seriously, I had one tell me what I may not speak unless spoken to and he laid down a whole list of rules, which i promptly ignored and blocked the wanker. People need to learn, they are not ur Dom (or sub) until such has been arranged and NOT when you are simply getting to know them off the internet.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 12:57:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I dislike the word "true" most of the time myself (as you know...lol). I especially dislike it when people state things like a "true sub does this" and a "real dom does that" and you are a "fake sadist if your partner is a masochist" and only a "real slave" is spiritual. Yadda yadda yadda... Blah blah blah Yeah but your seizures are so.....cute! [8D] quote: As long as the words are not used to put entire groups of people into boxes to boost the self esteem of the person doing it, I have no problem with those words... all too often those words are used to denigrate some, and boost the position of others with all the incumbant labels attached. I'm anti-denigration myself. I don't equate my use the words with denigrating others but I've seen it done so I know where you're coming from.

juliaoceania -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 6:02:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I dislike the word "true" most of the time myself (as you know...lol). I especially dislike it when people state things like a "true sub does this" and a "real dom does that" and you are a "fake sadist if your partner is a masochist" and only a "real slave" is spiritual. Yadda yadda yadda... Blah blah blah Yeah but your seizures are so.....cute! [8D] quote: As long as the words are not used to put entire groups of people into boxes to boost the self esteem of the person doing it, I have no problem with those words... all too often those words are used to denigrate some, and boost the position of others with all the incumbant labels attached. I'm anti-denigration myself. I don't equate my use the words with denigrating others but I've seen it done so I know where you're coming from. I am even more cute when I am not seizing...lol

liminalRapture -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 6:18:14 AM)
I have to wonder if it is a gender thing and not a dom/sub thing. In my experience, some men don't know how to make conversation. Some of them think "oh--kinky chick--pussy--must fuck it" without even thinking about how they would get to thought the adjective and the verb to the noun. I've put directions in my profile explaining how to ask me questions, with a suggested list of topics. 80% of the guys start out with some silly inane direction or some put down statement, which is good because it saves us both a lot of time (although I do wonder why they don't save MORE time by not e-mailing me at all. Side rant--a man e-mailed "I'm sure I'm much smarter and far more educated than you" and I replied "I'm a doctor of _________" and he relied "Shut the fuck up you stupid bitch" leading me to suspect that his primary educational endeavors were not in English.) Then you get a really sweet boy every now and then he literally starts going down my list of conversation topics, in order. And as soon as one is done, he moves on to the next. It is quite sweet, and I'm sure those guys will be great someday. And then you get the men who know how to make a conversation. Oh, wow! It is amazing to me what an aphrodisiac a good conversation is. Someone who can match me, engage me, excite me, make me think of connections I hadn't seen and possibly feel things I'd been glossing over. Wow! But they are the gems--absolute gems! And of course, those are the ones to break your heart, but always in a good way once the process is through.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 7:10:02 AM)
quote: Subs, do you feel like you shouldn't go down the path of asking non kinky questions until the dominant offers up the information? if you want to know the real me, then it's best to ask non-kinky questions. there's more to me than the kink side. and in reverse, when meeting Daddy and SO, i asked non-kink questions to understand them more as a person than the title.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 8:04:27 AM)
i prefer the idle chit-chat conversations to be in person, eye to eye; oh hell, who am i trying to fool, i prefer all conversations in the getting to know you stage up close and personal, and very rarely do i offer up information or ask questions online... with that said, i have no problem whatsoever asking anyone anything or responding in kind, except of course, when there's nothing about them that i want to know, other than if they'd make a good one-time only play partner.

greenearth21 -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 9:33:10 AM)
I am all for asking questions...more non kinky questions than kinky questions. Some can wait and others I jus want to know. But it is all done in a respectful way.

stockingluvr54 -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 10:20:38 AM)
AAkasha... I've found trying to converse with a Domina is like walking through a mine field. One wrong step and BLAM! You're dead. It can be very intimidating knowing she's got her finger tapping away on the delete button when reading my words. Basically I just try and avoid the kink because we both know we're kinky and if things should develope we can work that stuff out later. I just basically try and follow Her lead and be myself. Have also found that if I ask a general question (non kink or not too personal) that it generally goes unanswered? Also noticed that when I ask for permission to ask some questions (and I always follow that with parenthesis "nothing too personal") then that's usually the last time I hear from the Lady. Of course...then I start thinking "Maybe I should have drifted to the spicy stuff?" Who knows...???? Ya.... a mine field.....at best

MystressDream -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 10:23:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: Oh my... hang on, kiddo.... LOL I hope, since you state you are new to this, and this is your first post to the forums, that people are gentle with you. <chuckle> You will soon learn that using the words "true", "real", "always" and "never" get you in trouble here. Almost as much trouble as classifying people will. *Welcome to the boards.... I hope you can withstand the possible storm your post could cause. <smile>* I wonder why you feel the need to state this? I have read several of your posts, and I must say you are one of the most jaded people I have seen posting. No one has made one negative comment toward this submissive, why the warnings? I found nothing wrong in her use of "true". It is all context hun, let me put it this way, as long as a person sticks to what is true to them without trying to foist their view of "true" on to me... I don't care... as my sigline says... "once you label me you negate me".... her post labelled no one. It negated no one. It does not say one sort of person is "weal" and another "twue", whilst another person is not... surely you can see the difference? Why would I say something like this? With the number of posts you have made, surely you have seen what kind of reception most get for using the words "real", "true" etc. Since she is new to the boards, I was just giving her a very friendly warning about what can happen. Hell, there are threads on here that went on for 15 pages simply because the OP used the term "real submissives" in the OP. Don't try to tell me you haven't seen it. *If you think I am jaded, that is your perogative. I really don't care one way or the other. <smile> Ignore my posts if they bother you so much.*

umisprite -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/10/2007 1:14:57 PM)
liminalRapture: And then you get the men who know how to make a conversation. Oh, wow! It is amazing to me what an aphrodisiac a good conversation is. Someone who can match me, engage me, excite me, make me think of connections I hadn't seen and possibly feel things I'd been glossing over. Wow! But they are the gems--absolute gems! Oh yes! It is the biggest turn on for me to be in the company of a man who can have an intelligent engaging conversation...on any subject! daddysliloneds: i prefer the idle chit-chat conversations to be in person, eye to eye; oh hell, who am i trying to fool, i prefer all conversations in the getting to know you stage up close and personal. Me too! Online chat is fine the first few times as an initial ice breaker but if it doesn't move to real time rather quickly I think someone else is not all that serious and I lose interest quickly (unless we're dealing with LD, that's a bit different). For me, face to face, eye to eye is like chemistry and truth serum all rolled into one.

slaveboyforyou -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/19/2007 9:11:24 AM)
I never mind answering or asking questions. But I do often find myself not knowing what to say next. When you first meet someone, there are always those awkward, uncomfortable moments of silence. Of course that is not confined to D/s courting; it's hard to come up with small talk when you meet any new person. I tend to be more quiet, so I tend to prefer partners that have more of the gift of gab than I do. But that doesn't mean I expect someone to carry the conversation. It's just a matter of meeting people that compliment your personality.

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