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simplyserves -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/19/2007 11:17:08 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I'm curious how many submissives feel uncomfortable or uneasy with asking questions during the very early stages of exchanging emails on a site like this. My experience is only with male submissives of course, but I'm interested to hear from both genders.
Sometimes I feel that submissive men assume they should not ask questions (small talk questions) of a femdom because it might be seen as prying or too forward, and that they feel the domina should offer up information as she feels comfortable, and she should be the one asking questions. I love it when men ask me (non kinky) questions like what I do for fun, or what I might think of a movie or style of music, or anything. I don't like to have to just offer up this kind of information randomly because I think I like to know that the man is interested enough to ask some questions. It's a shame though that some men think it might be impolite so they don't risk it.
I also don't feel like saying, "What questions do you have for me?" because it seems like that just prods a man into asking questions because he has been told, not because he is genuinely interested. I want a man to be genuinely interested enough to ask - because if he really doesn't care, that's information I need up front anyway.
Subs, do you feel like you shouldn't go down the path of asking non kinky questions until the dominant offers up the information?
Akasha
I think it's more then that submissive men think it's impolite. You might find through this thread that female submissives tend to ask more questions and that difference says a lot about why male submissives don't.
Most submissive men responding to women's profiles have experienced at some point being accused of trying to solicit masturbatory material - being called "wankers" - or have been ignored because the dominant woman they were messaging felt this way. In that, it's a learned behavior to not ask too many questions about what the scene or service might entail. Not so much out of politeness they bring in with them from the outside world, but from a sense of what is acceptable and what does and doesn't work, here.
As it is, what they most want to ask about is what the dominant woman might be planing or is interested in specifically doing with them. In part it is for masturbatory purposes and building up their excitement about serving but it's also because they want to know how closely those specifics will match what they're looking for. In a lot of cases this lack of communication leads to mutual disappointment, but it's a hard nut to crack. How do you tell the difference between a sub who is wasting your time and only collecting fantasies versus a sub who is trying to see if he will want to serve you and to excite himself about your first meeting, and how does the submissive show he's not a "wanker", but sincerely interested?
In regards to asking about things out side of service or play, as the case may be, I think it comes from not wanting to break out of the role. The building of subspace starts early and it can sometimes feel or even come across as disingenuous to ask about a dominant woman's outside interests. The submissive's mindset is often not in a socially assertive state.
When dommes have asked me what questions I have for them I'm never sure how to answer even though I'm often sure about what I'd like to ask. However, it doesn't remove the perceived barriers that may be keeping me from asking in the first place.
In my mind, what it often comes down to in these cases and many others, is that dom and sub are much more similar then different. Not even opposite sides of the same coin - and both dom and sub sometimes don't see this.
The analogy I use is D/s is like taking a drive. The difference between dom and sub is the difference between driver and passenger. They're both going the same direction, at the same speed and seeing the same things. They may be enjoying the scenery for the same reasons. The difference is that the dom is driving, in control, more aware of the choices being made and is driving because they like the focus and responsibility it requires. The sub is the passenger, they've let go and enjoy the passive experience. While they want to get to the same destination and may have strong feelings about how best to get there, they're happier not having to decide. They like watching the scenery more then navigating it. A good question for the passenger probably isn't "How do you want to get there?", instead it might be "Do you want to take back-roads or the highway?". Bigger picture questions, that prompt specific responses and have clear answers.
When dominant women I've talked to ask me more specifically "How do you feel about x, y and z?" I feel empowered by them to answer those questions and I don't feel anxious that it will be construed as needy or presumptuous.
I will say though, that most subs are genuinely interested in what you like and what you are like, inside and outside of D/s or their service to you, but often for a submissive being assertive is a hard line to walk so we tend toward erring on the side of caution. So much so that it can become an habit.
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