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How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? - 11/9/2007 12:11:59 PM   
tinkatoy


Posts: 23
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline 		For many years i have kept it a secret but I need to get it in the open, i am a submissive!! Husband is very vanilla and hates the BDSM scene... how to tell him this???
HELP!!!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:16:04 PM   
Cntrolmeplease


Posts: 66
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		Have you given him any indication as to the way you lean at any time during the marriage?  Either by words or deeds?

(in reply to tinkatoy)
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RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:17:43 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		You know he hated BDSM  you know he is not going to change ?Your keeping secrets and you have waited years to now do this .Poor guy ..He may hate the BDSM " scene" as you put it  but would he like to  explore your submissive desires and learn what it is that pleases you ? If the answer is NO then  you made your choice "many years " ago .

(in reply to tinkatoy)
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RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:19:29 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Honestly?  I suggest finding a really good marital counselor and telling him in session, after a solid trust with the therapist has been established.  The therapist can then help walk you both through it.  You'll need help communicating it, and he'll need help processing it.  If he is that opposed to this part of you, trying to handle this on your own can lead to all sorts of detrimental emotions and reactions - anger and fear on his part, rejection and loneliness on yours, and so on.

"Dear Husband, there are parts of me which I've discovered, that I want to share with you, but I don't know how to do it, and I'm afraid to.  Can we please seek out a therapist to help me through this?  It's not that I think our marriage is in trouble, it's that I'm afraid of sharing an important self discovery with you and I need the help of a counselor to do so."

Or something like that.  I do wish you the best with this.


(in reply to tinkatoy)
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RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:20:08 PM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		First off, why does he "hate" the BDSM scene?  Has he been involved in it before? 
 
Being married to a vanilla man myself, I found the best way to to "tell him" was to be completely honest and open.  I offered him the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" and let him read it as he felt comfortable.  Open communication that was completely free of demands, accusations (you dont understand me!) and threats (if you wont do this with me then I'll ________). 
 
Be open to listening to HIS side of things.  Understanding and accepting his feelings, concerns and opinions.  It's not a switch that he can just flip and suddenly he understands and accepts.  It will take time and patience on both sides and lots and lots and lots of talking. 
 
If it comes down to discussing including a third party, be sure to set up boundries and cover every possible aspect BEFORE beginning to look for a Dominant. 
 
Good luck to you both
 
pj

(in reply to tinkatoy)
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RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:25:15 PM   
sweetNsmartBBW


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline 		No easy answer here, and a lot depends on the nature of the secrets- your husband's personality- and the strength of your marriage.  My suggestion is to be gentle, yet honest.  Don't make this a confrontation.  Tell him you have something important you need to discuss with him- and set aside an evening (or weekend, if possible) alone to do so.  When you talk about your submission- make sure to explain that this is something inside of you; and that it has nothing to do with any shortcomings in the relationship and is in no way a reflection upon him as a husband.  Give him a lot of chances to ask questions- and expect him to be hurt and angry; not just because he does not like the BDSM- but because you kept secrets of this nature from him for years.  

_____________________________

There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked. Yaldah Tova

(in reply to azropedntied)
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RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:25:15 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

You know he hated BDSM  you know he is not going to change ?Your keeping secrets and you have waited years to now do this .Poor guy ..He may hate the BDSM " scene" as you put it  but would he like to  explore your submissive desires and learn what it is that pleases you ? If the answer is NO then  you made your choice "many years " ago .


Hmm...I made my choice years ago too, before discovering such critical elements of myself, and before realizing I was dying on the vine by denying myself.   Such inflexibility can be a death stamp.  If you discover something about yourself 10 years into your marriage, and it scares your spouse, is it best you just stifle yourself and live your life that way?  I contend that such a life doesn't work very well.  You'll be unhappy and that unhappiness will bleed over to your partner on its own.

In my case, my husband was so inflexible and dismissive of who I discovered I was, that I left him.  Yes, I made my choice 20 years ago, but guess what?  I had the ability to change that choice and make new ones, rather than stay with someone so rigid.  Be careful of that rigidness, it's all my ex has left.

(in reply to azropedntied)
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RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:53:48 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		I suppose there's all sorts of way to break it to him:

skywriting
Goodyear blimp
jumbotron at the "big game"
billboard along the highway

Or if you're more romantic, send him some flowers with a card: "Dear Husband, remember how much you said you liked Barbera Eden in "I Dream of Jeanie?" Well...."

Just don't do it in an email... that's soooo tacky.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:55:59 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		girlie No one should not be stiffled  yet one should also not  knowingly keep from another in a marital relationship .She says she knows he hates the "scene" whatever that may intale .Also seems  we are not getting the complete story here but a mere snapshot  glimps .She married him kept the secret for many years and now wants  what ?? him to know ?him to change and be her  Master /Dom ?Him to allow her to do public play ? I dont know what her end goal is other than maybe to have  some needs met and be happy .I question why she  got married to a man she knew was nilla and never /not going to change and hated BDSM when in fact she had ideas she was subbie and needed that in her life .Further more keeping it secret and lack of communications did her nor the relationship any good .
Nobody wants to whither and die on a vine ,and i bet this guy does not like have secrets kept from him , nor the deseptions .
Maybe  a kink/fetish family theripast is the answer , i know i would never go to one who is not  kink /fetish friendly .

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 12:56:43 PM   
tinkatoy


Posts: 23
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks for your reactions, I guess I have to talk to my husband soon, he knows something is wrong, im not as happy anymore as i used to be, and i really think that letting my submissive feelings out will help me a lot.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/9/2007 1:00:58 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Order or buy some good books on BDSM.  Get some private time together and sit him down and tell him exactly what you have told us.  You are a submissive and you had to share this with him.  If you love him, tell him that too and if you want to experiment with him also - tell him.  Give him the books and ask him not to make a snap decision, but to read them.  Then give him space.  If after a couple of weeks, there is no response, then approach him on the subject again.  His response then, will tell you exactly what you want to know.  How you work on the rest of your life, is then down to you.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to tinkatoy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/10/2007 8:51:51 AM   
tyku


Posts: 62
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Just a couple of questions:

How do you know that your husband doesn't like BDSM?

What aspects, specifically, of BDSM doesn't he like?


(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/10/2007 10:23:50 AM   
waitsilent


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/5/2007
Status: offline 		TInk,
 
Go SLOWLY!  Get the books,, read them yourself . then talk  talk talk.
 
If he is totally against any of what you need, you have a big problem.
 
I found myself in the same shoes several years ago. 
 I never got "who I was" til then. (Silly me)
Told hubby ( of over 20 years)  and we tried to work it out on our own. 
No luck.
Went to a wonderful Kink Friendly Professional.. talked talked talked..
Husband tried .  He just doesnt like it. 
I'm not going to leave him over it. 
He was good enough to try for me.  Therapy and all.

Am I thrilled at the outcome?
Nope. But life throws one things ..and you have to figure out what to do. 
I  chose to stay with him.. we love one another .

He knows I'm frustrated.  We just have to live with it.
C'est la vie!

(in reply to tyku)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/10/2007 10:28:21 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tinkatoy

For many years i have kept it a secret but I need to get it in the open, i am a submissive!! Husband is very vanilla and hates the BDSM scene... how to tell him this???
HELP!!!


How do you know he hates it?

Does he make statements and if so how does this topic come up?

Have you ever thought that if he is voicing a strong opinion that may reflect a struggle within himself over his own interests?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to tinkatoy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/10/2007 10:45:25 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

girlie No one should not be stiffled  yet one should also not  knowingly keep from another in a marital relationship .She says she knows he hates the "scene" whatever that may intale .Also seems  we are not getting the complete story here but a mere snapshot  glimps .She married him kept the secret for many years and now wants  what ?? him to know ?him to change and be her  Master /Dom ?Him to allow her to do public play ? I dont know what her end goal is other than maybe to have  some needs met and be happy .I question why she  got married to a man she knew was nilla and never /not going to change and hated BDSM when in fact she had ideas she was subbie and needed that in her life .Further more keeping it secret and lack of communications did her nor the relationship any good .
Nobody wants to whither and die on a vine ,and i bet this guy does not like have secrets kept from him , nor the deseptions .
Maybe  a kink/fetish family theripast is the answer , i know i would never go to one who is not  kink /fetish friendly .



Thank you for clarifying your previous post, which seemed like a "you made your bed now sleep in it" message.  She is clearly saying she does not want to keep this part of herself secret from him, and is asking for help on how to tell him.  I think that's a step in the right direction, but she should approach it carefully.  Beating her up over her struggle only serves to push her way and right back into her struggle, in my opinion.

A kink friendly therapist is a good idea, if she can find one in her area.

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/10/2007 2:44:46 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		The typed words can sometimes be taken the wrong way ,glad i help clear that up. no i did not mean toughcrap and deal with it  and take it now that your married  far from it . Though i do feel the OPer did wait a long time and should not wait any further. As far as a kink friendly therapist check with the free speach coalition a national org ,they help alotta  people .tink you have a  journey to start and not alone hopefully- bestwishes .

< Message edited by azropedntied -- 11/10/2007 2:52:11 PM >

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/15/2007 6:02:08 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		i was in your situation not so long ago. i am married to my husband for 17 years, we lived a normal life and things were not right for the last decade. i have sort of known i am submissive all my life and he is dominant, i know we chose eachother well, but fantasies always stayed just that, sex dried up almost completely (trying to top from the bottom made me only less desirable) and i was climbing the walls and he was hiding behind a 'low sexdrive'.
Until i got some really good advice from a Master i stumbled across online:
When He comes home from work tonight ask Him permission to masturbate, if He says no; beg Him, when He says yes; drop your pants and do it right there in front of Him, u may sit on a chair if that is more comfortable.

It was the most difficult thing for me, he looked at me as if i had lost my mind but did give His permission and then walked out of the room. . . but He came back, now i always ask Him for permission, we have a long way to go but we are on the right track, things are finally falling into place. i have a lot to learn about how to be and i suppose so does He. Sometimes talking is not the best way to go about things sometimes actions speak louder.
My Husband has a tendency to 'dislike' things He is unfamiliar with too, i think it is His pride that gets in the way sometimes, and He is not a great 'talker' either, but i love Him so.
Good luck to u
amanda

(in reply to tinkatoy)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/15/2007 6:09:54 AM   
shootingstar67


Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline 		he hates the scene? so? I hate the scene. But would he accept your submission? I'll bet! He can be converted. Ok so ..maybe you can't live out all your fantasies with him. But you can get him to accept your submission...come on! Tell him you are a submissive and you will do what ever he orders for a predetermed length of time.

..he will absolutely HATE it..lol.NOT!

_____________________________

I am a Female Submissive exploring these boards.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/15/2007 6:52:13 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		I wish you the best of luck...my husband and I had been married over twenty years when I approched him about the lifestyle...he wanted ZERO to do with it...but he did allow me to explore this lifestyle on my own. I now have a wonderful Master I am serving.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into ... - 11/15/2007 7:08:55 AM   
wisteriaV


Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline 		Hmm raises an eybrow..its almost the weekend Im  gonna be good and send tink a private e-mail.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 20
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