RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (Full Version)

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topcat -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 7:21:33 AM)

IMX, the best way to tell him, is not to tell him. Most people will have a knee jerk reaction to terms like BDSM, Dominant, Submissive, whatever.
 
Instead, show him- SLOWLY!
 
encourage him to be more forceful in bed- I don't think anyone one would blink an eye at their partner telling them 'harder', 'faster' or the like, especially if you rave about it afterwards.
 
I have one friend, who 'accidently' got her arms tangled in the sheets and later told him that not being able to move like that made the orgasm that much more powerful- while he didn't take the hint then, later, in the heat of the moment she blurted out-'hold me down!' and he did, and she made damn sure he didn't miss the fact that she came like fireworks as soon as he did...
 
But for gawdsakes, if out of the blue, you slap down a copy of screw the roses and tell him you want him to be your master, you are going to see nothing but a dust cloud.



shootingstar67 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 7:33:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

IMX, the best way to tell him, is not to tell him. Most people will have a knee jerk reaction to terms like BDSM, Dominant, Submissive, whatever.
 
Instead, show him- SLOWLY!
 
encourage him to be more forceful in bed- I don't think anyone one would blink an eye at their partner telling them 'harder', 'faster' or the like, especially if you rave about it afterwards.
 
I have one friend, who 'accidently' got her arms tangled in the sheets and later told him that not being able to move like that made the orgasm that much more powerful- while he didn't take the hint then, later, in the heat of the moment she blurted out-'hold me down!' and he did, and she made damn sure he didn't miss the fact that she came like fireworks as soon as he did...
 
But for gawdsakes, if out of the blue, you slap down a copy of screw the roses and tell him you want him to be your master, you are going to see nothing but a dust cloud.


Yes this is kinda what I was trying to say.

I believe anyone can be converted. But you have to be pleasing..you know what I mean?  It has to be more then just bottoming. Show him your submission , give up some power and show him how fun it can be for him to have a submissive wife.

You submit. He will eventually begin to pick up the reins.

I read an excellent article awhile back about how to turn a vanilla into a dom/domme. It was very good.
I realized you could convert someone without even telling them! Naturally you will probably want to tell him eventually but by then he could be more receptive.
.



Assman4u -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 7:33:59 AM)

In vanilla, the sexual aspect seems to be more important than the mental aspect of BDSM, so you could approach it that way. Anything that gets my wife in the mood, works for me. I agree on slowly and depending on the person books can help, moreover, they can probably help you. I stepped over the line and cheated on my wife and had a D/s relatiosnship outside of my marriage. While my wife would never "submit", she does like it when I am forcefull and likes light bondage. While it is not exactly what I want, it along with all else I get from her makes me happy. I guess starting at kinky sex and working your way to the mental aspect is the best way to go. He may be submissive himself, otherwise it is a mans nature to want to dominate his female partner, darn those caveman genetics.



shootingstar67 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 7:46:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Assman4u

In He may be submissive himself, otherwise it is a mans nature to want to dominate his female partner, darn those caveman genetics.


It's True!



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 8:27:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: waitsilent

TInk,
 
Go SLOWLY!  Get the books,, read them yourself . then talk  talk talk.
 
If he is totally against any of what you need, you have a big problem.
 
I found myself in the same shoes several years ago. 
 I never got "who I was" til then. (Silly me)
Told hubby ( of over 20 years)  and we tried to work it out on our own. 
No luck.
Went to a wonderful Kink Friendly Professional.. talked talked talked..
Husband tried .  He just doesnt like it. 
I'm not going to leave him over it. 
He was good enough to try for me.  Therapy and all.

Am I thrilled at the outcome?
Nope. But life throws one things ..and you have to figure out what to do. 
I  chose to stay with him.. we love one another .

He knows I'm frustrated.  We just have to live with it.
C'est la vie!



They say there is a reason for everything. What you have most would die for. I think that is very cool. love is really more important then a bdsm or ds thing. I do not thing alot of people have even ventured down the road if it were not for media
We all have moments or transitional points in a relationship. But the enduring ones through good and bad and fashional concepts are true love and should always be protected  kudos to you



ViceVersa -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 10:24:47 AM)

quote:

Being married to a vanilla man myself, I found the best way to to "tell him" was to be completely honest and open. I offered him the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" and let him read it as he felt comfortable.


Some Resources and Ideas
I agree. I'm a fan of "When Someone You Love Is Kinky." De-mystifying bdsm is key in whatever way seems most reasonable and non-threatening. I liked that book because it had real letters from real people written to non-kink friends and family.

Here's a low-tech site where a woman tries to do the same thing to explain her love for bondage: http://www.reds-realm.net/shevette/welcnew.html.

Here's an idea, although it may be riskier. Some of the pay sites (like http://www.hogtied.com) have a beginning interview video and an ending interview video for each photo shoot. The models come across as genuine and generally enthusiastic about there experiences. I'd buy a month and preview them first before I'd consider showing it to a friend or family member.

Another idea: Go to a munch (dinner out with fellow-kinksters and no playing) as a couple.

If you need a kink-aware therapist, consider: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270 .

Of course, which direction you choose depends upon where your husband is with bdsm. You may see some parallels with this framework:

RIDDLE’s HOMOPHOBIA SCALE

Repulsion--Pity--Tolerance--Acceptance--Support--Admiration--Appreciation--Nurturance--Celebration

NEGATIVE LEVELS OF ATTITUDE----------------------------------------------------POSITIVE LEVELS OF ATTITUDE

Repulsion- Anything not mainstream or different is seen as a crime against nature. All of these are sick, crazy, immoral, sinful, wicked, etc. Anything is justified to change them: prison, hospitalization, negative behavioral therapy, violence, etc.

Pity- The majority and mainstream is preferred. People who are different should be converted because they are wrong. The should be pitied.

Tolerance- Anyone not in the majority or mainstream is just a phase of development that many people go through and most people grow out of. These people are less mature than the majority and should be treated with the protectiveness and indulgence one uses with a child. These people should not be given positions of authority because they are still working through their adolescent behavior.

Acceptance- Still implies there is something to accept. Characterized by such statements as "you're not a minority, you're a person" or "what you do is your own business" or "it's fine with me, just don't flaunt it."

Support- Work to safeguard the rights of all people. People at this level may be uncomfortable themselves but they are aware of the oppressive climate and irrational unfairness.

Admiration- Acknowledges that being different and non-mainstream in our society takes strength. People at this level are willing to truly examine their bias attitudes, values, and behaviors.

Appreciation- Value the diversity of people and see minorities as a valid part of that diversity. These people are willing to combat discrimination in oppression in themselves and others.

Nurturance- Assumes that minorities people are indispensable in our society. They view minorities with genuine affection and delight, and are willing to be allies and advocates.

Celebration- The last, final, and most powerful stage in diversity education. At this final stage one celebrates everyone and everything. All human characteristics, conditions, and circumstances are celebrated.



ranja -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 1:50:47 PM)

shootingstar67, what article? where can i read it?



Prinsexx -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/15/2007 3:52:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinkatoy

For many years i have kept it a secret but I need to get it in the open, i am a submissive!! Husband is very vanilla and hates the BDSM scene... how to tell him this???
HELP!!!

Maybe he is a submissive also....no wonder things aren't going anywhere..........
How many years a secret?....
in my personal opinion keeping secrets in a marriage drains the life out of both .......
I got out three times because i couldn't lie in the end.....I will kneel and grovel and suck and clean and lick and crawl and beg....but not if it is taken for granted, and not if it is considered weakness, or perverse or worse stilla form of co-dpendency as it was in three, yes three vanilla marriages.........if you sincerely beliee there are reasons to stay then yes good counsellijng is necessary....but dificult to find a counsellor maybe who is outside of the 'Relate' type approach......
curious to know though....how do you really know you are submissive if there has been no oportinities in the marriage to get it on? Just wondering.....




tinkatoy -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/16/2007 4:08:11 PM)

First of all, thanks everybody for all your replies.
Second for all of you that had the question "how do you know he hates the scene" I have tried many times to talk him into it, starting with just little things but he is absolutely not willing to even try it. And why I waited so long, well i didn't really wait, i just tought to push my feelings in the closet and forget about it, but that clearly doesn't work out.
So now what? well I did talk to him and since our marriage is already one big mess i an going to leave and live on my own, spreading my wings and explore my life and my feelings.
So maybe we will meet some day...



camille65 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/16/2007 4:48:52 PM)

I suggest that you not use certain words, words like submissive sadist etc. Those words can conjure up images that will keep him from wanting to explore this in any way.Some of the things that I tried:I tied myself up on the bed, left a note in the kitchen that I had a surprise for him then left a trail of lingerie leading to the bedroom. Nothing shocking or in your face with that.Other times I would make jokes about needing a swat for not doing whatever (late bills, late dinner etc).I would tell him that I loved knowing that he was a strong man and that I could lean on him and just be myself. I was married for almost 20 years and I really understand the place you are in. He did not want to have anything to do with it. He wouldn't discuss, read or watch anything willingly. Sigh. I tried for years to top from the bottom, trying to get him to act the way I needed while trying to make it seem his idea. I felt so empty and wrong inside because I needed needed something that I finally realised turned him off.Thats why I suggest not using certain buzz words, I tried to create something new for him not to bring him into an existing world that freaked him out. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

he hates the scene? so? I hate the scene. But would he accept your submission? I'll bet! He can be converted. Ok so ..maybe you can't live out all your fantasies with him. But you can get him to accept your submission...come on! Tell him you are a submissive and you will do what ever he orders for a predetermed length of time.

..he will absolutely HATE it..lol.NOT!
 Forcing him or 'converting' him may not work. IME not everyone is into kink even when handed it on a silver platter. Please be prepared to make a choice between what you have right now and what you feel you're missing. Some people will not take up an offer to 'do what you want to me'. I'm kinda rambling and I'm sorry but I want to keep this more positive than negative despite it not working between my ex and I!It realllllly didn't work but that doesn't mean it can't work between you two. You know him best, go by that. Avoid using words/actions you know beforehand won't work. Go easy or be aggressive depending on how you know from experience he will react. One thing I would not do if I could go back in time, I would NOT get into BDSM online without him knowing. It drove us further apart, I was filling a teensy bit of my need but it was behind his back. I felt guilty over that and he could feel the emotional turmoil. If you can't share that part of your life with him it gets kind of hard to keep it inside, or it was with me. Keep in mind that all of this is just my perspective and my experience. It hurt so badly being thought of as grotesque or sick by someone you love and I hope it isn't that bad for you. I wish you the best.



Aneirin -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/16/2007 6:05:40 PM)

Tinkatoy,

I understand very well how you feel with regards to a vanilla partner who is not into your thing, I have been there myself.

But I found with me, I have to be true to myself, which hopefully is how you feel. My experience, well perhaps I did it wrong by introducing little things that pleasure in the bedroom which were all well and good in the bedroom, but near anethema when the talking came, but I was then unsure and uncomfortable with myself.

Now if placed in a similar situation with a vanilla partner, I am more prepared, in the past talking about feelings and things were difficult for me, but not now, I have learned.

And what I have learned from very good friends,(.D.[:)]), is to be true to oneself and to be honest.

If you love your man, be honest with him,it maybe a shock to him, but be honest with love if that makes any sense.What he may hate about Bdsm, may not be what you are interested in.It may even be that his perspective about the scene is flawed.

Be honest and with love and tenderness explore tentativly, explore together in small steps and talk as much as you can, reassure each other and understand each other.

This is all I can say, Good luck and the best to you.

Aneirin



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDRM? (11/16/2007 6:20:19 PM)

OMG  you people need  a wake up call.  one thing that pisses me off is when people say they can not be in a relationship with a nilla person. how stupid is that and discrimination like  Good loves are hard to find these days  If you want to be ina   fuck fest go for it be stupid and chase your freaking tale that is what will happen. The 60s died by the way free love it gone and all that bds You be in one relationship after another like a record on scratch repeat repeat. Good relationships you have to work just like a degree a job but the rewards in the long term are well worth. If someone is not willing to full fill your bdrm or D's fantasy and your married that is just to bad. You made those choices how is anyone going to trust someone that can not commit what would be the point. no wonder people are a mountain in dept and Prozac fanatics and have all kinds of issues our society promotes
chaos over stable environments do it cause it feels good.  rule one if your kinky cool do not get married. Rule two stay with what you have and make it work cause there is reason it started now finish it or you will never find your way to the center of your self. 
If you want to go from one relationship to the next like a trading card go for it.  drown in the mud of BS. I love all the experts. Only true expert is those that stand by what they say they are not playing swinging and being monkeys .  yep that saying we reap what sow oh yeah  so be it



HornyToadsMI -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/16/2007 6:59:25 PM)

Would he be willing to meet you 1/2 way?  It is not fair that you have to hide your needs from him.....honesty is the best policy.  Tell him, or it will eat you alive. 



Kirren -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/16/2007 7:35:21 PM)

I have been speaking with a submissive boy, who is in a live in relationship with a vanilla gf. My advice to him is this, and I think it may work for many, tho I can, have, and most likely will be again, wrong...

After being with some one for so long you have to have learned their likes and dis likes, the things they will and wont do...hating the scene as you put it, does in most cases, as Camille says, show that they associate the scene with things like sadist or masochist. They see the most negative things ever. They dont fully grasp that there is more to this life than meets the eye.

Yes, if the relationship is a mess it would be easier to walk away, but, at the risk of sounding like a raving lunatic, like latexx up there, I will say that you have invested a great deal of time and emotion into this, walking away may not be the answer. Try a different approach.

Books are great, but lets be honest, reading is a mental thing, and his mind is not in the right place to gain anything from reading. If youve tried talking to him then you obviously know that you can not beg him for permission to let you masterbate.

So, try this...you know that he likes a hot bath after work? have one waiting.
You know that he likes a beer while he watches the news...bring it.

The quickest way to show him that his intial idea of what D/s as a whole is, may be misconstrued or ill concieved, is to show him a softer side to it. Not the beating or the actual kink, but the submissive nuances like bathing him, feeding him. And if you express to him that the only thing that will change, are the sexual aspects, and that it does indeed open a few more doors to more interesting sexual play....perhaps he will see it as a good thing.

As D/s'ers, many of us tend to be extream, and do things like a bull in a china shop, we rush in head long damning the consequences, when in reality, the simplest approach would be the easiest. Show him your submissive side, but dont be blatant about it. This gives him time to accept and to learn that it isnt as bad as what it seems, before you go dragging the rope and whips out.

If you choose to leave, you should do it for the reason of needing to explore yourself, and what you want. And you may want to make that clear. I love you, but I have to go because you can not accept the whole of me, and I need to be where that will happen. But understand, just as well as you can get a bad vanilla relationship, you can get a bad D/s one.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/16/2007 7:49:23 PM)

What if there was not net to tell you about ds or bdsm what if you never heard of it would still make a the same choice as you are projecting.  Mayeb there is something else under neath all the mix messages



ViceVersa -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/17/2007 6:14:00 AM)

Good luck, tinkatoy. It's a pretty common situation out there. I had a somewhat similar circumstance which I won't bother to go into here (although it's in this thread RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage - forget it!). To me, it hinges on this choice:

Would you give up love for kink?
If so, then I see kink as your sexual orientation and it's difficult for incompatible sexual orientations to co-exist happily.

Would you give up kink for love?
If so, then I don't see kink as your sexual orientation but perhaps a lifestyle or something to spice up a relationship. There's more wiggle room for finding accommodation here, I think.

Of course, it all gets muddled by everything else that we bring into and happens within a marriage, so these sorts of questions require a lot of reflection. If you're not clear on these questions already, then I'd take the time to explore them and take any new insights into further conversations with your husband, before you make a final choice.

Vice



camille65 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/17/2007 6:39:25 AM)

Ah Kirren, you hit the salient points much better than I did. Thank you for managing to say clearly what I'm pretty sure I mangled![;)]



defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/17/2007 7:12:51 AM)

Honestly, your husband is in the minority. Most men (notice I said most, not some or a few) have at least fantasized about tying and/or spanking whether doing it to someone or having it done to them. For the few who haven't, most are curious about trying it once someone mentions it to them. Since kink is a common fantasy for most men, it should be pretty easy to find someone willing to explore and learn. Or you could always go for an experienced Master.



camille65 -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/17/2007 9:29:14 AM)

dbg I find it ironic that you of all people suggest she look outside her marriage for an 'experienced Master'.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to tell your vanilla husband that you are into BDSM? (11/17/2007 11:59:05 AM)

She said she was leaving him. I was talking about in the future once the divorce is final.



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