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JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:34:14 PM   
applecandy


Posts: 68
Joined: 10/18/2007
Status: offline 		I'm hoping that I'm the only one having this problem.

The instant some folks (mostly male, but some women as well) discover that I'm bisexual, kinky, or both, any interest that my personality may have had disappears. It's becoming difficult for me to become friends with anyone new that I've shown any interest in playing with for that specific reason. Yeah, I'm looking for casual play, but does it hurt to be at least friendly about it - maybe show some interest in something that isn't beating-related?

I guess what I'm wondering is how people react to this. I have to feel like I can communicate with someone I'm playing with, even on a strictly casual basis - so am I a raging bitch for keeping my standards high, or am I setting unattainable goals?

_____________________________

--Hime

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." -Buddha
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:39:34 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		your standards are your own and who is to say they are wrong, they are ment for you .In my view i would say NO your goals are atainable and i also would not deviate from reaching them .Besides i have found that interations are much better ther more is known between the other parties .

(in reply to applecandy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:40:35 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: applecandy

I'm hoping that I'm the only one having this problem.

The instant some folks (mostly male, but some women as well) discover that I'm bisexual, kinky, or both, any interest that my personality may have had disappears. It's becoming difficult for me to become friends with anyone new that I've shown any interest in playing with for that specific reason. Yeah, I'm looking for casual play, but does it hurt to be at least friendly about it - maybe show some interest in something that isn't beating-related?

I guess what I'm wondering is how people react to this. I have to feel like I can communicate with someone I'm playing with, even on a strictly casual basis - so am I a raging bitch for keeping my standards high, or am I setting unattainable goals?


The first bolded bit, god no. People tend to gasbag to me anyway, and if they know about me being a Domme, well you can't shut them up!!

The second bit I don't get. You're wanting to play with new friends, they don't want to, but then you're complaining that they don't show interest in being around you for something other than playing?

Try talking to them as people, not as possible play partners. Not everyone in the world wants to play kinky games.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to applecandy)
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:40:58 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The sad part is that it's not just non-scene or kinky people who do this- kinky/scene people are just as bad in being unable to connect or talk about anything or any experiences outside of kink or sex. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to azropedntied)
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:44:30 PM   
twistedwillow


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think your a raging bitch at all .. well only when your pms-ing, and oh yeah the other day  J\k
Unfortunately, particularly for women it is very hard to find a man who see' us as more than a convenient fuck toy... not all men are like this of course but in deed a large % are.
I think keep your standards high,  perhaps not make your kink\ bisexuality know quite so early on in the relationship.
Eventually you will find someone.

twisted

(in reply to applecandy)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:47:48 PM   
twistedwillow


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia


The second bit I don't get. You're wanting to play with new friends, they don't want to, but then you're complaining that they don't show interest in being around you for something other than playing?

Try talking to them as people, not as possible play partners. Not everyone in the world wants to play kinky games.


Good point MissMagnolia, I didn't even think of that.. of course the OP may not be guilty of that, shouldn't assume. However it's certainly a valid point and one the OP should take into consideration imo

twisted

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:50:11 PM   
applecandy


Posts: 68
Joined: 10/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

quote:

ORIGINAL: applecandy

I'm hoping that I'm the only one having this problem.

The instant some folks (mostly male, but some women as well) discover that I'm bisexual, kinky, or both, any interest that my personality may have had disappears. It's becoming difficult for me to become friends with anyone new that I've shown any interest in playing with for that specific reason. Yeah, I'm looking for casual play, but does it hurt to be at least friendly about it - maybe show some interest in something that isn't beating-related?

I guess what I'm wondering is how people react to this. I have to feel like I can communicate with someone I'm playing with, even on a strictly casual basis - so am I a raging bitch for keeping my standards high, or am I setting unattainable goals?


The first bolded bit, god no. People tend to gasbag to me anyway, and if they know about me being a Domme, well you can't shut them up!!

The second bit I don't get. You're wanting to play with new friends, they don't want to, but then you're complaining that they don't show interest in being around you for something other than playing?

What I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to have friendly discussions with them outside of playing - either they're not into playing at all, which is fine, and continue grilling me about it and want to talk about nothing else, or they DO want to play and focus on that aspect entirely, without regard to the rest of the package.

Try talking to them as people, not as possible play partners. Not everyone in the world wants to play kinky games.



I'm looking for people that are okay with casual play - no emotional strings - but willing to actually be FRIENDS, or at least make an effort to be friendly in order to give me something to trust. I'm looking for someone to tie me up and flog me, and if I can't trust them to pay attention to the blatant parts of my personality, how can I trust them to pay attention to the nuances of a play session?

_____________________________

--Hime

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." -Buddha

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 9:54:15 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		One of my first d/s relationships was long-term and ended rather harshly due to dishonesty of a major scale on his part.  After that I was pretty hurt and did the casual thing.  If I am understanding what you are asking (not sure), I also found many that kind of had this attitude of only wanting to talk about sex and not really caring about compatibility because it was only casual.  I always explained that as a sub (not suggesting it doesn't apply to any role, but at the time I was a sub) I didn't think for me that approach worked as I needed to know the person and have them know me as well to establish ongoing trust.  There were plenty that passed me by for "talking too much", lol, I'm glad they did.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 11/9/2007 9:55:48 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to applecandy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 10:15:26 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		thought the new term was friends with benifits ?or is that the old term ?At anyrate do the friend part first then cash in the benifits package .Your too far from me i dont have floggers that long  lol 

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/9/2007 10:20:10 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

thought the new term was friends with benifits ?or is that the old term ?At anyrate do the friend part first then cash in the benifits package .Your too far from me i dont have floggers that long  lol 


None of the new acronyms equate friendship, NSA, FWB, Fuck buddy...they all mean casual sex, no strings and very, very rarely will you find someone who wants to be friends, at least friends in my definition of the word. Casual acquaintences are the best one can hope for when dealing with acronyms.


(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 2:50:43 AM   
Kalari


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/21/2007
Status: offline 		No no!  You are most certainly not setting your goals too high.  And you're not alone, either.  It is an appauling but inescapable reality that some people are just driven by sex, or their "kink."  It took me a long time of tries, failures, and flat-out disgust before I could find someone who appreciates me for who I am and not just my bisexuality or my cup size.  Keep your hopes up, honey.  You're a rare gem, and one day you'll find someone just as amazing.

(in reply to applecandy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 3:35:27 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: applecandy

I'm looking for people that are okay with casual play - no emotional strings - but willing to actually be FRIENDS, or at least make an effort to be friendly in order to give me something to trust. I'm looking for someone to tie me up and flog me, and if I can't trust them to pay attention to the blatant parts of my personality, how can I trust them to pay attention to the nuances of a play session?
 This confuses me, you are looking for friends but you don't want emotional strings? Doesn't friendship entail having emotional attachments?

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to applecandy)
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 4:00:25 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		There's no law that says you can't have your cake and eat it too ... but the law of averages says it might take awhile for you to accomplish it.

(in reply to camille65)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 7:07:55 AM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		If you want friends to just hang with, then maybe you should omit the details of your sex life when first talking with them. I know it's odd, but for some reason, once you start sharing intimate details with people, telling them you're bi, or kinky, they seem to assume that you are coming on to them. Sad to say, I have very few friends who cross the divide. I have those that I just hang out with, and do stuff like movies, and concerts and non-sexual events with- and then I have those friends that I'll call up and ask if they want to hit the local play party with me, or if they want to get together for some play.

The only ones I've been able to get to "cross over" are those I've met at play parties, and who have expressed the same complaint as you and I: no one to go do things with whom you can be open and honest. It takes effort, but you can build up your social circle with time.

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 7:28:00 AM   
JohnLash


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		fast reply-
From a Man's perspective-
I get it, applecandy, you want friends who can see you as a person, but also have no strings attached sex...but you want them to be friends, when it suits your need, and sex partners, when it suits your need.

Man Behavior 101 "Never Toy With A Rutting Bull"

Trouble is, Men don't really work that way. I wish we did, but we don't.
Is our sexuality so trivial, so minor that it can be kept easily under control, leashed like a timid kitten, only brought out when it is convenient for us to toy with, then put away when it suits us?

Speaking as a Man...sexuality is so powerful, so primal, such a commanding drive, that once you cross that Rubicon of signalling your availability, it crowds out any other desire. When a Man is seeing you as sexually available with no-strings-attached, it literally means He can reach orgasm with you, whenever and however He wants- without any hard work or effort, whether it is at a time of your choosing or not.

You see sexual pleasure and deep friendship as interchangeable desires- but Men don't. Asking a Man to keep His sexuality surrendered to your whim and desire is not only insulting, it is futile.

If you want to be a platonic friend, great...I am a perfect gentleman with the women I work with, every day...if you want a lover/boyfriend/husband, great...Men can do that, with a lot of hard work and effort....but if you signal your no-strings-attached sexual availability, don't be surprised if even as you are chattering on about your feelings, to find yourself pushed over the arm of a couch and mounted from behind by the raging beast that you yourself unleashed.

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 7:29:54 AM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline 		I know the boat you are in...

Even when looking at subs I have a hard time and practicaly have to whack them with a rolled up newspaper to get them off of the whole topic of sex. I want to get to know them as a person first. After the inital ok, we are both compataible in the sex catorgory.. fine lets move on. They seem to not want to move on but rehash the whole sexual thing. Damn fustrating.

Even if you are doing causual play partners and not long term but want to build that trust... once you have established that you are complatable then just keep on reiterating that you want to build a friendship first. If they are too impatient to become your friend, and all they want is to get into your pants.. then they simply are not going to be a good match. They dont give two shits about you, or any one most likely as a person and are in it to just get thier rocks off.

I have to deal with this in slaves and subs all the time.

Maybe as Bipolarber reconmended dont tell them many details at first.. or tell them you will get around to sexual details after you have built a friendship.

I know every time males find out my female sub lives with me I get the dumbest questions and Bevis and Butthead like sounds eminating from them. " So uh... can I watch you two.. um.. uhhh... yeah that would be cool!"

It reminds me why I usualy stick with girls. LMAO

Gwyn

_____________________________

Self avowed Geek-Girl~
Come for the boobs, stay for the brains.

Be the kinda woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Oh shit, shes awake..."
~ Softandshy's "Shiney"

(in reply to bipolarber)
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 7:37:52 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: applecandy

I guess what I'm wondering is how people react to this. I have to feel like I can communicate with someone I'm playing with, even on a strictly casual basis - so am I a raging bitch for keeping my standards high, or am I setting unattainable goals?


cross them off the list and move on... it's their problem not yours... so don't make it yours....

Unless of course you think it is your problem.  Do you think you are doing something that is encouraging this response from them?  If not... go back to my first piece of advice.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to applecandy)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 7:39:11 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnLash
<snip>
If you want to be a platonic friend, great...I am a perfect gentleman with the women I work with, every day...if you want a lover/boyfriend/husband, great...Men can do that, with a lot of hard work and effort....but if you signal your no-strings-attached sexual availability, don't be surprised if even as you are chattering on about your feelings, to find yourself pushed over the arm of a couch and mounted from behind by the raging beast that you yourself unleashed.



yup...i have had no-strings-attached male sexual partners...they were never friends...and if they said they wanted to be, it meant they wanted to be my boyfriend or Dominant or whatever...which was not what i was looking for...and if they didn't want to be my friend, that was cool, cause i didn't want to be their friend either...not really, i have enough friends...i just wanted someone to fuck, that was good at it...and i only went over there...to fuck....no mixed signals...transmute it for kink or whatever floats your boat...

i do currently have a guy that uses me, that a good friend of mine lends me when she's not using him...he is her submissive, 100%...but he is a switch...and i am sore for days afterwards...but, it was not some random guy...they knew each other for years before i met her, and i knew her for years before i met him...

confused yet?

chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to JohnLash)
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RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 7:56:50 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		great response JohnLash. Some women (especially young ones) just can't understand the constant bombarment of testosterone. Since I hate being toyed with sexually, I'd wind up being a friends-only type in this situation.

to the OP, you might be able to get some submissive guys to go for this, but beware the domly sort.

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: JUST about the kink, or... - 11/10/2007 8:16:37 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnLash
Is our sexuality so trivial, so minor that it can be kept easily under control, leashed like a timid kitten, only brought out when it is convenient for us to toy with, then put away when it suits us?

Actually, in my experience of the world, that's men are exactly like that 90% of the time due to how their women control the relationship.  In part DUE to their ridiculous inability to see beyond the sex haze. 

Act like a horned up dog, and you get treated like one.  And half the males who actually DO make an effort to show that they aren't just following their cocks around have only the thinnest veneer of control which is easily ripped aside at a moment of frustration.

The good news is, I have no problems ignoring that 90%.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to JohnLash)
Profile   Post #: 20
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