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Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 6:02:38 AM   
MHawk23


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I seem to meet, and even attract, prospective submissives who claim they are seeking permanent relationships.  While I realize that the notion of PERMANENT in this day and age is different than what the dictionary might say, permanent is more than 2 weeks.  I do recognize that maybe it is me - in some way (too pushy, not pushy enough, too demanding, too old, too something or not enough of something) - but I don't think that's it.  I sense it is, for lack of a better word, fear at some level. 

Any input as to what might be going on?  Something of which I am not aware.  Y/your input and constructive criticism is solicited and welcome.

David
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 6:09:21 AM   
wisteriaV


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Call me old fashioned, but a permanent relationship means trying to keep it going until one of people dies. Also I am "older" I will be 45 in March. I think alot of it has to do with willing to work at the relationship andnot walking away when the pink cloud bursts! Master and I have been going at our relationship for three years now and I look forward to 30 more at least.

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If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to MHawk23)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 6:20:12 AM   
TNstepsout


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I'm a little confused by what you are asking here. Are you saying that subs who want something permanent are fearful? Or are you saying that they just THINK they want permanent but flake after two weeks and you think that is a sign of fear? It's confusing.

My take on permanent is that both parties should work to make the relationship last as long as possible, even if that means that it might morph or change into something else. Relationships of any kind are special and precious and shouldn't be discarded easily.

(in reply to wisteriaV)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 6:36:40 AM   
rubberpet


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Unfortunately, in this day and age, permanent has certainly changed.  Look at the level of divorce in this country.  Some people jump ship at the first sign of a problem, others like a "change of scenery" every so often.  It so difficult to find someone you click with to start with, much less someone who has a more traditional view on "permanent".

My parents will be married 44 years in December, so I am a firm believer in "till death do us part".  I bring that level of commitment to my relationship with Mistress.  I'm 29 years old and I'm ready to settle down with Her because I feel She is the one I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  I never had a lot of girlfriends and was never the party type.  She's the one girl I'm supposed to be with every single day from now on.  I want us to grow old together.  I want us to be together so long that when She tells me to get the cane, I know which one She wants between the walking kind and whipping kind!  Breathplay will include running over the tube to my oxygen tank with the wheelchair tire!  Sensory dep means She's hidden my glasses!  That's the kind of permanent relationship I want! 

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.


(in reply to TNstepsout)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 6:51:42 AM   
juliaoceania


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Permanent to me means getting married.

But I am weird that way.

I know that one does not have to get married to make a permanent relationship, but it surely seems to be a much more committed sort of statement. I do not know what it is you are looking for since you did not really specify in your post, but it is one of the reasons that  I decided that I would use the terminology of "looking to eventually marry" rather than "looking for a long term relationship". Not so long ago I did not care if I got married again, and there was a certain lack of commitment on my part to relationships because of that. I now know I want the "big commitment".... and i am not afraid of it anymore.

Part of the problem of attracting fearful people maybe the terms you use in finding what you seek... if  you are looking for a lifelong commitment... say so, these terms of "permanent" "long term", they leave wiggle room for commitment phobic like me


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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(in reply to MHawk23)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 7:15:22 AM   
Dragynsfury


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I don't feel one has to be married for it to be permanent...but they do def have to put in work to make it work.  I'm all for permanence...there's something deeper and more meaningful to the relationship then.

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The artist formerly known as OnyxGoddess

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 8:26:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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I'd say examine what's wrong with your initial screening process if you keep attracting the same type of person who can be revealed so easily and quickly.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 9:58:59 AM   
CalifChick


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If the bailout is happening pretty regularly at two weeks, then it sounds like they were never compatible enough with you to begin with.  Yes, I want permanence in my life, but that doesn't mean every "potential" that I meet is going to end up being that one permanent one.

So some things to look at... how compatible were you to begin with?  How honest are they with themselves on what they want?  Are you on your "best behavior" for two weeks and then the "real" you comes out, and that "real" you isn't what they had in mind?

Cali

(in reply to MHawk23)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 10:13:13 AM   
Celeste43


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The fact that you both may want a ltr is insufficient for compatibility. I think I'd start focusing not on the future but on the here and now. What do you need in a partner to go for a second date?

(in reply to CalifChick)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/10/2007 7:51:13 PM   
Maya2001


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From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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I am looking for permanent as well , but it does not mean it will be permanent with the first, second, third, forth  etc person I meet, it may take days, weeks, months to know if we will be compatible with each other before it can be decided the relationship warrants becoming a permanent one, if I do not feel I am compatible with the other person than I continue the search, it has nothing to do with fear of commitment.    When I state LTR it means I am not looking for casual  play dates but hoping to find someone like mind who I am "compatible" with, it may take 18 different tries before I find that person I feel I am compatible with that I want to submit to in a permanent relationship..  

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 11/10/2007 7:52:07 PM >


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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/11/2007 3:18:10 AM   
TreasureKY


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From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHawk23

I seem to meet, and even attract, prospective submissives who claim they are seeking permanent relationships.  While I realize that the notion of PERMANENT in this day and age is different than what the dictionary might say, permanent is more than 2 weeks.  I do recognize that maybe it is me - in some way (too pushy, not pushy enough, too demanding, too old, too something or not enough of something) - but I don't think that's it.  I sense it is, for lack of a better word, fear at some level. 

Any input as to what might be going on?  Something of which I am not aware.  Y/your input and constructive criticism is solicited and welcome.


Your post isn't clear, but my first question would be if you are expecting that just because a submissive is talking to you and says she's seeking a permanent relationship, that you will be the one she has that permanent relationship with?



(in reply to MHawk23)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/11/2007 3:20:27 AM   
bandit25


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If I have you confused with someone else, please forgive me, but as I recall, you tend to move around the country quite a bit or, at least, there's a probability that you may move, depending upon the job you accept.  Perhaps, you are finding that the ones you meet cannot simply pick up and go with you.

(in reply to MHawk23)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/11/2007 10:51:11 AM   
eyesopened


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Personal relationships are a journey.  When you start with the end you will be frustrated with the start which will cause the end.  Why not enjoy the stage of discovery? 

The other thing to think about is, if someone says they want a permanent relationship and then move on after a couple of weeks, it could be interpreted that they do not want a permanent relationship with you.  Isn't it great that you found that out before investing a lot of time and emotion?

_____________________________

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No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to MHawk23)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/11/2007 10:57:43 AM   
slaverosebeauty


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I think in this day and age wit so man things being 'disposable' some people get into the mode of looking at 'permantent' or 'ltr' relationships as a few weeks or months, possibly even years, just like they look at their most recent 'gizzmo.' It shows how our society has lowered those standards an expectations for relationships.  From what I have seen on other sites more and more people are looking for NSA, they are cheating on their current partners, or they are not amture enough to understand and put into practice LTRs.
 
Personally, my ultimate relationship would be permanent resulting in marriage; I am a bit old-fashioned I guess some would say, for me, its how I was raised and part of who I am. I prefer quality partners over quantity.  I don't want something that is going to be a fling, I want something deeper and more meaningfull than something short-term and casual.  

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"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/11/2007 1:04:50 PM   
TreasureKY


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A response here in the forums would have been preferable, MHawk.

My question was not to imply that you are "stupid", but to illustrate that your lack of clarity leaves you wide open to be misinterpreted.  You cannot possibly expect complete strangers to give you input or constructive criticism when we have virtually no information about what it is that upsets you. 

You state that you attract submissives who claim to want a permanent relationship, but imply that they don't live up to that claim when they leave you after just two weeks.  While indeed there may be a difference of opinion as to what constitutes "permanent", we have no idea at what point your relationships are when things end or what exactly this two week time period  represents.

Are you meeting submissives, getting to know them over a long period of time... spending real time together in real world settings, and mutually deciding that you wish to establish a permanent relationship together... and then two weeks later, she bolts?

Or are you making initial contact via email, chatting back and forth, maybe talking on the phone... you seem to get along and want the same thing so you either assume or decide that each other is the "one"... and within two weeks she is gone before you have a chance to meet?

It makes a huge difference, you know.

(in reply to MHawk23)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/11/2007 9:33:05 PM   
missCurvacious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

A response here in the forums would have been preferable, MHawk.

My question was not to imply that you are "stupid", but to illustrate that your lack of clarity leaves you wide open to be misinterpreted.  You cannot possibly expect complete strangers to give you input or constructive criticism when we have virtually no information about what it is that upsets you. 

You state that you attract submissives who claim to want a permanent relationship, but imply that they don't live up to that claim when they leave you after just two weeks.  While indeed there may be a difference of opinion as to what constitutes "permanent", we have no idea at what point your relationships are when things end or what exactly this two week time period  represents.

Are you meeting submissives, getting to know them over a long period of time... spending real time together in real world settings, and mutually deciding that you wish to establish a permanent relationship together... and then two weeks later, she bolts?

Or are you making initial contact via email, chatting back and forth, maybe talking on the phone... you seem to get along and want the same thing so you either assume or decide that each other is the "one"... and within two weeks she is gone before you have a chance to meet?

It makes a huge difference, you know.



Well I'm actually speachless....lol..to be honest I couldn't agree more

(in reply to TreasureKY)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/11/2007 9:44:44 PM   
awmslave


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We can talk about "permanent relationship" only retrospectively. Making something like this a goal is nonsence in my world.

(in reply to missCurvacious)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/12/2007 5:54:50 PM   
feralcat


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I agree with eyesopened. Just because I was seeking a LTR didn't mean that everyone I met would be a "fit for life". I met people and used the "3 times" rule. If by the third meeting I was not REALLY interested in them,I would chalk it up to "not really right for me" and stopped trying to fit a square peg into the round hole syndrome.Best to move on and not invest anymore time or energy in a dead end relationship.

Relationships come with time and patience, and not always when you are looking for them.

(in reply to eyesopened)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/12/2007 8:15:38 PM   
goodgirl08


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Joined: 6/11/2007
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Well a lot of people think of a "connection" as thinking to themselves wow, this person is PERFECT for me in every way...and then after 2 weeks they discover that's not true and bail out. So it's an all or nothing situation.

I am suspicious of anyone who seems perfect in the beginning period ;) so I would much rather take the good things and build on them over a long period of time, and then if incompatibility is really there, then you know you at least made a good effort, instead of bailing out...no one is perfect and few people are perfectly compatible, but you take what is compatible and have something beautiful to work on. Then later on you will see if the incompatible really does outweigh the compatible...it can be upsetting to invest energy in a relationship and have it not work out, but so much better than bailing out and never knowing for sure!

(in reply to feralcat)
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RE: Permanent Relationships - 11/13/2007 4:02:33 PM   
honeydusub


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/27/2007
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 For me...yes, a permanent relationship would be marriage. And as a submissive lady, I believe a strong, stable, vanilla foundation is necessary for a D/s one to work to its fullest trust potential..so...with that said...why am I still a single sub?

(in reply to goodgirl08)
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