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RE: red flag, red flag - 11/11/2007 7:47:45 PM   
Willowmoon


Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline 		When I have started a dating a guy either in the vanilla world or in this world we always met in person at a coffee shop or other public space first. At this stage we have usualy talked on msn and the phone multiple times but I wouldn't be asking for his address. Usualy over coffee I will talk about me being a full time student and ask him what he does for a living, I wont ask for location details on where he works. As we get to know each other through these meetings and msn and phone we do get to the point where I will go back to his place or be invited over for dinner. I wouldnt give someone all those details early on but in time with almost normal vanilla dating cicumstances they do come out. In my last relationship Ididn't know my partners last name until we had been together for three months it just wasnt something that came up and he didn't know my last name for even longer.

In the vanilla world would you expect all these details of a man you were going on a date with? It seems that too many people forget that lifestyle dating is very similar to vanilla, we want more quicker then the vanilla world.

Willow

(in reply to missCurvacious)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/11/2007 7:52:21 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

In my last relationship Ididn't know my partners last name until we had been together for three months it just wasnt something that came up and he didn't know my last name for even longer.


I have never been involved with someone for that length of time and not known their last name...

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(in reply to Willowmoon)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/11/2007 8:22:19 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Yup. Infact they would talk themselves right out of my life * so to speak* and my interest if they wouldn't tell me basic things like are they married, finacially stable * aka employed* had kids or not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
If you are talking to someone and interested in meeting them and they do not want to share any information about themselves and their lives (I am not talking full names here), is that a red flag for you? If the person will not tell you what their living situation is (married, divorced, living with kids, living my alone), and they will not share if they are employed or not, wouldn't that give you pause?


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/11/2007 9:26:52 PM   
missCurvacious


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Willowmoon

When I have started a dating a guy either in the vanilla world or in this world we always met in person at a coffee shop or other public space first. At this stage we have usualy talked on msn and the phone multiple times but I wouldn't be asking for his address. Usualy over coffee I will talk about me being a full time student and ask him what he does for a living, I wont ask for location details on where he works. As we get to know each other through these meetings and msn and phone we do get to the point where I will go back to his place or be invited over for dinner. I wouldnt give someone all those details early on but in time with almost normal vanilla dating cicumstances they do come out. In my last relationship Ididn't know my partners last name until we had been together for three months it just wasnt something that came up and he didn't know my last name for even longer.

In the vanilla world would you expect all these details of a man you were going on a date with? It seems that too many people forget that lifestyle dating is very similar to vanilla, we want more quicker then the vanilla world.

Willow


I personally find it to be a very different sistuation, when Im with a vanilla man he is not someone I look to and think " will this be the man I surrender all my will to?" I think we are entitled to the information on the sheer seriousness of what we are getting ourselves into. To me it would seem odd if he would want my body, mind, and heart submitted to his will.....but he can't even file an address card with full last name and an idea of what he dose for a living  . Call me catious but I feel in this lifestyle that is how you get hurt on all levels, you have to remember submissive women and slaves give from a different place in their being than vanilla women, not to say one love is less than another just simply different.

(in reply to Willowmoon)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/11/2007 11:42:19 PM   
Solinear


Posts: 283
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		The only reason I can think of is that he's worried you're a freakout stalker, a scammer or something like that.  The first one is the only valid one.  The rest is crap - as long as you both agree that nobody will exchange *ANY* money, SS# or birth date indefinitely, then they should be fine.

My coworkers at two major corporations (I work for one and provide services for another) have more information than you're asking for from him.  I think you went a little far with the "employment status" and "living status" stuff... but asking for his full name, address and phone number... I can get that information about anybody and probably not be able to do anything more with it than I could by simply looking in the phone book at random.  I don't know, sounds overly sensitive.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/12/2007 1:39:49 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Obedient1nPA

i asked one about his info as far as full name,address,phone numbers to be reached at, employment status, living status etc...and i was told that i was being disrespectful and doubting him......i am like hmmm time for me to move...


How long had you known them before you started asking all this and under what circumstances?

Did you ask it like you describe it here or were these things you asked or talked about with no input from him over a course of time?


The way it's presented here makes you sound unsafe to me.  I would have told you directly that you seem like a danger to me and you weren't getting any of that info if I'd been him in the situation your post seems to be relaying.

However, if you're saying that over a period of time he's been dodging all details about himself over the course of normal conversation then I'd wonder about him and be leery of him... 

Myself, I'd not answer a list of "covenient ways to stalk or screw over someone" questions like listed above, but I'd certainly answer a naturally occuring question about what I do for a living while talking to someone.  Two different situations.

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(in reply to Obedient1nPA)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/12/2007 2:31:03 AM   
Petronius


Posts: 289
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Obedient1nPA

i asked one about his info as far as full name,address,phone numbers to be reached at, employment status, living status etc...and i was told that i was being disrespectful and doubting him......i am like hmmm time for me to move...
'

I tend to see this as a red flag waved in the opposite direction.

I've been asked those questions only a few times. I reply that we should exchange that data. When they hear me ask them for the same information, often in a more realistic form, their response is uniformly to see themselves as suddenly stalked by a serial killer. That tells me what I want to know about them and that I'm simply not interested. It isn't a danger issue; it's an issue of narcissism.

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and vice versa. If you're not willing to give out all manner of personal information to somebody you shouldn't ask them to give it to you.


(in reply to Obedient1nPA)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/12/2007 6:28:34 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Most everyone I talk with knows the area I work in and the type job I have. They also know the area I live in. Anything else you will not know about until we become very close. I have had many a woman give me their phone number on the first chat. When they do that I throw them away. Some people have to learn to slow down.

(in reply to missCurvacious)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/12/2007 8:23:31 PM   
sweetdemure


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/4/2007
Status: offline 		Well I myself feel it neccessary to fine out information about another....think about it for a moment , if your talking with another and you feel hey I like this person , then its time to fine out if the Dom is with  another , are you close enough to have coffee with , ect , ect ,ect .....this is very important information to start a relationship unless he has something hes hiding .....

< Message edited by sweetdemure -- 11/12/2007 8:25:47 PM >

(in reply to missCurvacious)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/12/2007 9:24:17 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		I ask the questions when I am ready to return answers to same questions..So hence if I ask a question..whenever or whatever that may be..and he refuses to answer with whatever excuse, then that is the time I decide if the answer is that important or not, or if I sense he is being either cautious or evasive..In other words I use my common sense and or instinct and make my decision on wether to continue communication or simply let it go...Tempting

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/12/2007 11:13:36 PM   
tulitukka


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

FR

I see no problem with asking someone what they do for a living, if they have a job, if they live alone, and if I had been talking to him for more than a few weeks on instant messenger or emailing, that would get pretty tiring. If someone did not want to move to phone conversations, was acting as though their entire life was some kinda national secret... hell yeah that would be a red flag!


I've refused to give details of my career, because telling that and my living country would almost uniquely identify me (to approximately a dozen people or so). Instead, I'm willing to state the industry I work in and that I have a university degree. After I've met somebody and found out I like them, I'm less protective about my privacy.

I would not give the kind of information the OP was asking for before the first meeting, apart from my mobile number and that I do have a job and a submissive girl living with me. .But then again, I prefer to do first meetings downtown in some nice cafeteria in a relatively crowded area, which allows for the other party to be pretty safe without knowing private details of my life.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/12/2007 11:23:07 PM   
tulitukka


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Solinear

The only reason I can think of is that he's worried you're a freakout stalker, a scammer or something like that. The first one is the only valid one. The rest is crap - as long as you both agree that nobody will exchange *ANY* money, SS# or birth date indefinitely, then they should be fine.

My coworkers at two major corporations (I work for one and provide services for another) have more information than you're asking for from him. I think you went a little far with the "employment status" and "living status" stuff... but asking for his full name, address and phone number... I can get that information about anybody and probably not be able to do anything more with it than I could by simply looking in the phone book at random. I don't know, sounds overly sensitive.



It depends. I don't give out my address, not because I'm afraid that she's a freakout stalker. I don't give it, because I wish to respect the privacy of the child living in the same household with me. My submissive feels that it's a bad thing for our neighbors to know of our involvement in kinky things, because they may take that out on her son. I agree. So when I'm not telling my address or other details that can easily lead to me, I'm protecting somebody who cannot really protect himself. People have all kinds of reasons you might not think of, to be private. Not only that they might be worried about their own asses.

(in reply to Solinear)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/13/2007 3:20:11 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		normally these questions are not asked all at once. I would be wary of someone asking me for those details all at once. That said, if i was asking the questions one at a time, and not getting either an answer or a good reason why she didnt want to tell me, i would start to pause for thought.

(in reply to tulitukka)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/13/2007 3:48:54 AM   
MsLilac


Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		 
It really depends on how you were asking it, and how long you had been chatting with him. Regardless of how long you have been chatting, requesting it in a list form like that, out of the blue is a bit full on and unnerving - try and put yourself in those shoes, if he asked you like that.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to know what he does for a living, and his phone number early on though.

I don’t see that there is necessarily a red flag from him not giving out that kind of info early on, where I do see a red flag was when he turned the tables on you for asking, and accusing you of questioning his integrity, trying to guilt and manipulate you.

It’s not to big a deal to say something along the lines of, ‘I am not comfortable giving all that information out at this time, here’s what I am happy to share, maybe when we know each other some more, we can take this further’.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/13/2007 12:06:41 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If I asked you questions that the op asked her potential, and you explained what you said in this post, I'd accept it more than simply freaking out. or trying to paint the person as a untrue sub, or any other negative reaction one can get.


quote:

ORIGINAL: tulitukka



It depends. I don't give out my address, not because I'm afraid that she's a freakout stalker. I don't give it, because I wish to respect the privacy of the child living in the same household with me. My submissive feels that it's a bad thing for our neighbors to know of our involvement in kinky things, because they may take that out on her son. I agree. So when I'm not telling my address or other details that can easily lead to me, I'm protecting somebody who cannot really protect himself. People have all kinds of reasons you might not think of, to be private. Not only that they might be worried about their own asses.

(in reply to tulitukka)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/14/2007 2:19:17 AM   
tulitukka


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

If I asked you questions that the op asked her potential, and you explained what you said in this post, I'd accept it more than simply freaking out. or trying to paint the person as a untrue sub, or any other negative reaction one can get.


quote:

ORIGINAL: tulitukka

Not everybody is as good in communicating things as I am, though. Nor understanding these issues. Though, I would consider the original persons statement about being disrespectful a negative, though not necessarily a red flag. Seems that either there's something fishy, or the person is not a good communicator, or in control of his emotions. None of the possibilities sounds good to me, though your mileage may vary.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/14/2007 2:38:05 AM   
shootingstar67


Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline 		He said she was "doubting him" which means she is expected to go on blind faith.

(in reply to missCurvacious)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/14/2007 4:55:46 PM   
ELUSIVE1


Posts: 536
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline
a longtime Master (30+) years taught me to take my photo driver's license on first meet...offer mine, then ask for his...I don't have a photo-graphic memory...I am not some psycho stalker wanting an address or dl #---but the face, d.o.b.--he should be willing to show he is who he says he is...


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(in reply to missCurvacious)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/14/2007 7:44:47 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline 		My Mentor also told me to gather personal information, ask to see His driver's license, write down His tag number, etc.  i think there is a natural flow of information as two P/pl get to know each other; and anyone who doesn't respond to questions like 'what is Your full name' is a potential threat or married Man.  However, i don't interrogate Men -- i'm getting better at trusting my instincts.  When i feel squorked out, i end it.  No argument, no reason why, just over.  That little voice that says 'bad Man' is your friend.
 
pinksugarsub

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: red flag, red flag - 11/14/2007 8:06:13 PM   
liminalRapture


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline 		I had two reactions:  first of all, I withhold any information that makes me 'googleable.'  I have VERY good reason for doing this, having filed a police report over someone posting my personal info on craig's list with very violent ads, saying basically I was into violent rape, here's my phone number, here's where I work, here's my name, etc.  I have an unusual name: giving my first name and where I work, or the first name and what I do combined with my field of interest (or believe, it or not, my first name, combined with one of the vanilla interests you can say that you like on the profiles) with google gives you my last name, where I've worked, my last address, and a huge slew of other public knowledge. 

Women have to be more careful for their physical safety, but I've talked to men who have had women try to blackmail them off this site, including one who threatened to send his first name, cell phone number and picture to every company in the city in his industry!  There are psychos on both sides of the gender aisle.

Now, that said, before I'll meet someone alone I want to know his full name, phone number, address, where we are meeting and for how long, and I tell him that I'm giving that info to a friend who will check up on me.  One of the strangest offers I ever had was a man who wanted to meet me in Bloomingdales, come up behind me, slip a hotel key in my pocket without me looking at him, and then watch me as I 'obeyed' him going directly to the hotel room.  Yeah.  Uh huh.  Sure.  At the very least I'm calling a friend so the police know where to look for my body!

(in reply to pinksugarsub)
Profile   Post #: 40
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