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Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:03:06 AM

pinksugarsub

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About two years ago, i had a nasty fight with my sister in law, for which i later apologised. Since then i've been aware she harbors a grudge -- but this morning i received an email from her in response to my question about the new babies in the family, telling me that giving anyone in the family a gift will "just make everyone uncomfortable".

It's too late to cancel the order, and i had the presents shipped to her and billed to me.

I wrote her back and told her i hoped the spirit of the season would prevail. i also said i'd like to stop in briefly on T-day and Xmas, just to say hello to everyone and see the babies for the first time.

i anticipate the worst; and i'm wondering if A/anyone has advice on how to finesse the situation. i still see my brother but it's very hard on him when he's with me. She calls frequently on his cell phone demanding he leave me and come home or do something else. i can see how tense this makes my brother and because of it it's been months since we sat down to a meal together.

i realise the only person here i can control is myself.....what i'm looking for is a way out of the rut we're all in.

Thank Y/you for any replies.

pinksugarsub

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:09:35 AM

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Can you and her sit down and talk? And listen?

What are the alternatives? For you to stay out of their lives, or push your way in.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:17:45 AM

FangsNfeet

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There's a good book on the market called "Dealing with Difficult People" or something along those guild lines.

At any rate, just keep loving your brother. Sooner or later, she'll realize that she's the idiot that needs to grow up. Your brother will also take a stand and tell her to get over it.

Give it a little time and you'll see.

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:21:29 AM

pinksugarsub

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i have tried talking to her....even had a mediated discussion. Didn't help. i'm rather caught betwixt and between; i'm close with my brother and he helps me a lot, which i really need. But i haven't so much as seen the babies in pictures yet.

My sense is that everyone else is long over it but no one will cross her. i feel as if she's banned me from the family.....something she cannot really do. My brother and i lost our parents at an early age and have always had a strong bond. i can tell from things he's said he doesn't intend to change this.

i wish i had a magic bullet for this one.

pinksugarsub

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:37:05 AM

pahunkboy

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Easy. My family simply leaves it at- CHristmas is for the kids. A card is the most we do between adults. It works. Many of us worry about heat and bills. Let the kids be happy. Tho in light of how typically we own so much crap=- maybe a hour baking cookies would be great.

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:37:51 AM

sophia37

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Joined: 2/7/2006
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This is a very difficult situation. I so feel for you. And although its hard, try to keep to the high road. Getting down and dirty will never bring about good results.

One thing though, make sure your gifts are not tossed. Find out from your brother what happens to them. I hope you can trust him to tell the truth. It makes no sense to spend money on items that will deliberately be thrown away from spite.

Just be kind and gracious. Try to never waiver even when you feel like spitting. If you stick to your guns, down the line your nieces and nephews might want you in thier lives. They get to an age where they like to go against the grain. So always be available to them.

For now, offer to babysit etc etc. Your sister in law might need a break down the line, and there you'll be.

Best wishes. Soph xo

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:42:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

i have tried talking to her....even had a mediated discussion. Didn't help. i'm rather caught betwixt and between; i'm close with my brother and he helps me a lot, which i really need. But i haven't so much as seen the babies in pictures yet.

My sense is that everyone else is long over it but no one will cross her. i feel as if she's banned me from the family.....something she cannot really do. My brother and i lost our parents at an early age and have always had a strong bond. i can tell from things he's said he doesn't intend to change this.

i wish i had a magic bullet for this one.

pinksugarsub

Why doesn't she want to let it go? Not pointing a blaming finger, but did you do something that she has/had reason to want you out of her life?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:52:54 AM

Raechard

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She has no right to keep you from seeing the rest of your family and if you being around them makes her feel uncomfortable that is something she will have to deal with. The rest of the family probably miss you I expect, so don’t let her deny them your company and I’m not sure why you would. What power does she have to keep you away from them?

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:55:38 AM

KatyLied

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quote:

She has no right to keep you from seeing the rest of your family and if you being around them makes her feel uncomfortable that is something she will have to deal with.

If the ums in question are her ums she has a right to to filter whom she allows in their lives.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 6:57:59 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

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my opinion.....she is an in-law......whoever the blood relative is with her needs to handle this.....if they wont, ya may have to cut your losses with more than the in-laws.....

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it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:02:29 AM

velvetears

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It could be that she feels threatened by you and used this "fight" you had, which you apologized for, as an excuse to monopolize your brother and distance you from their lives. Insecure, clingy, needy people don't like to share the people they claim. If this is the scenario there really is nothing you can do. Your brother has to make the change and initiative to change the dynamic he has with his wife. You can stand on your head and spit nickels and all you will do is dig a bigger hole for youself. i have a similar situation with my dad. His wife is so desperately insecure and clingly she has estranged him from all his children but me. The others gave up years ago. i won't bore you with stories of what happened. She lied, maniipulated and cause so much heartache and havoc in my family that she finally got what she wanted - us out. i always took the stand of blaming her, but in reality it is my dad who is at fault for he never took a stand and allowed this to happen. She even went so far as to move them over an hour away just to make it difficult for us to see him (before he lived only 20 minutes and i saw him all the time) i knew she didn't like us so i used to go with my baby at the time when she was at work, if she found out wowowow (talk about jelous). Now that my dad is not doing well - heart attacks, strokes, uncontrolled diabetes, can't walk well etc she is almost begging me to come back and be a part of their lives, so where at one point i wasn't allowed up their house now i am invited all the time - do i feel resentful - yes i do, but more sad then anything really. i don't hold a grudge though and i do see him and take him to the many doctors he needs to see. It's a shame that so many years were watsed and the good years where he could have enjoyed the interaction more are gone. i layed it to rest saying they made the decisions they did and i won't hold bitterness in my heart although at one time it was there.

i do so hope you can respolve this situation with your brother. Sounds like he is probably suffering from this selfish womans vendetta as much if not more then you. i hope he makes the right choices because in the end if he doesn't he will h ave regrets. i know my dad does - he cries each time i see him and always asks about my siblings. Sometimes in life you just have to put up with some miserable situations, no way around them.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 11/11/2007 7:20:12 AM >

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:06:13 AM

Raechard

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From: S.E. London U.K.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

She has no right to keep you from seeing the rest of your family and if you being around them makes her feel uncomfortable that is something she will have to deal with.

If the ums in question are her ums she has a right to to filter whom she allows in their lives.

It didn’t read like that to me but clarification of the exact situation is required.

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えへまにんへえや
Nobody wants to listen to the same song over and over again!

(in reply to KatyLied)

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:10:39 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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Yeah, I'm not sure who the new babies belong to. It's really a decision for the parents, not the relatives.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:13:02 AM

pinksugarsub

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i'll give a brief synopsis of the incident for clarity's sake, but it's not my intention to hold my sister in law up to ridicule.

Two years ago i was having my hair done when my black, gay stylist told me he had no New Years' Eve plans. i didn't hesitate to invite him to join me at my brother's for a small party.

Just to be on the safe side, i called my brother and told him my escort would be a gay black man. He said thanks for the heads up, and please pick up more crackers on the way over.

About an hour later my sister in law called, in rather a dizzy, telling me i could not "bring a stranger to her house". i lost it; told her if my date were some nice straight white man we wouldn't be discussing this and even called her a bigot and homophobe.

All hell broke lose. i even arranged for mediated discussion about a month later, but no joy. (Part of what annoys me is she attends Mass regularly and looks down on me for not doing so.)

In the end it was my fault; first for not checking before issuing the invitation, and second for name calling and raising my voice.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 11/11/2007 7:30:44 AM >

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:16:23 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

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if your brother didnt have a problem with it-and the crackers he meant to pick up aint white folks.......he needs to tell sis in law to get her bloomers out of a wad and welcome his family in to HIS home....

if hes not willing to do that, well......not a lot you can do.......

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:22:57 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

i'll give a brief synopsis of the incident for clarity's sake, but it's not my intention to hold my sister in law up to ridicule.

Two years ago i was having my hair done when my black, gay stylist told me he had no New Years' Eve plans. i didn't hesitate to invite him to join me at my brother's for a small party.

Just to be on the safe side, i called my brother and told me my escort would be a gay black man. He said thanks for the heads up, and please pick up more crackers on the way over.

About an hour later my sister in law called, in rather a dizzy, telling me i could not "bring a stranger to her house". i lost it; told her if my date were some nice straight white man we wouldn't be discussing this and even called her a bigot and homophobe.

All hell broke lose. i even arranged for mediated discussion about a month later, but no joy. (Part of what annoys me is she attends Mass regularly and looks down on me for not doing so.)

In the end it was my fault; first for not checking before issuing the invitation, and second for name calling and raising my voice.

pinksugarsub

Well, she does indeed sound like a bigot and homophobe, and I find both things distateful. I also agree with you, that some fault lays with you for the invitation and name-calling....however, you did apologize. She has taken this into a death-grip, and won't let go, which is her responsibility.

Sometimes, when you point out a flaw in another, and they aren't mature enough to admit it, even to themselves.... the only way to avoid seeing the truth is to continue to blame you. This leaves them off the hook. But, she knows what she is, whether she admits it or not, and that pains her every time she thinks of you, I imagine.

There may not be a good way around this.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:24:34 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

if your brother didnt have a problem with it-and the crackers he meant to pick up aint white folks

LOL........ I know this is a serious topic, but

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 17

RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 7:46:47 AM

windchymes

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Sounds like your brother needs to grow a set.

Unless, of course, they have a D/s 24/7 relationship in which she is the D.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 11/11/2007 7:47:47 AM >

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 10:16:25 AM

CalifChick

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Unless and until your brother changes things, nothing will change. I would skip the gifts and just send cards and pictures from now on.

Cali

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RE: Advice on Dealing with Difficult People - 11/11/2007 10:20:15 AM

pahunkboy

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He should turn off his cell phone when the time goes to YOU. [and vice versa]

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