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Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 8:56:51 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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So I have been dating someone that I didnt meet here. Its only been a couple of weeks. Hes acting like a boyfriend. He is into D'splay and has been for a few years. he likes ropes and cuffs and such. I let him see my subscription to sex and submission and he got all kinds of ideas, bought new toys and rigged his punching bag stand to be able to take my weight. Awesome right? He is also super sweet and helpful. He even made a 2 hour round trip to retrieve the keys I dropped in a restaurant and delivered them to me at work, having to work late himself to make up the time. He has also cooked fro me and supplied me with all the gourmet chocolate a girl could want. Whats the problem? Maybe nothing and hes taking his time. But he has seemed to operate as more of a sensual top and not a Dominant. He has not done anything verbal to ask for my subservience or verbal play asking me to call him sir or master. Also the wacking although it may hurt at the time, does not leave a mark and he doesnt sustain the torture long enough.He does that short quick wacking with the back of his hand. I like full on hard long whacks. When he has used clips, he took them off quite quickly. I would like longer scening that is more intense. I have told him sweetly that he could do more. I am just worried that he is not going to come out as a full fleged Dominant and will continue with the topping and kinky sex but not take it further. I dont want to be in a relationship where something is missing. He has also been very good to me already and good men are rare. I feel very comfortable with him. But is that enough?

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 11/11/2007 9:01:24 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 9:01:09 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

You need to talk to him and let him know what you are looking for in a relationship. It is possible that he's never done domination outside of sex. Kinky sex, new toys, chocolate and he cooks for you....sounds like a wonderful beginning to me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 2

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 9:03:55 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

I know. part of me is thinking its only 2 weeks and I should still play with others. The other part says that would not be right and disloyal.

It has been a wonderful beginning. When I say things to him. I worry that he is letting me top from the bottom. He sees it as getting feedback.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 9:18:35 AM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

If he was into kinky sex prior to meeting you, maybe he doesn't understand what you need.

A slap on the butt or being tied up might constitute kinky to him and you need to tell him what you want. "You can do more to me" is not the same as "Please hit me harder".
Have a real conversation with him OR if you have a friend who is a Top or Dominant, maybe you could have him/her over to show him what you need...

Not every dominant is into the same thing.

Communication is the key... if he hasn't done much D/s topping, he may not understand you

Good Luck! It sounds like a good foundation to build on... and if you get sick of him, send him my way, and we'll see if he can bottom! lol

Lady Jag (Psy)

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 10:03:13 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
But is that enough?

Only you can answer that question. It's not important whether or not it would be enough for any of us...it's only important whether or not it's enough for you.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 10:13:03 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

So I have been dating someone that I didnt meet here. Its only been a couple of weeks. Hes acting like a boyfriend. He is into D'splay and has been for a few years. he likes ropes and cuffs and such. I let him see my subscription to sex and submission and he got all kinds of ideas, bought new toys and rigged his punching bag stand to be able to take my weight. Awesome right? He is also super sweet and helpful. He even made a 2 hour round trip to retrieve the keys I dropped in a restaurant and delivered them to me at work, having to work late himself to make up the time. He has also cooked fro me and supplied me with all the gourmet chocolate a girl could want. Whats the problem? Maybe nothing and hes taking his time. But he has seemed to operate as more of a sensual top and not a Dominant. He has not done anything verbal to ask for my subservience or verbal play asking me to call him sir or master. Also the wacking although it may hurt at the time, does not leave a mark and he doesnt sustain the torture long enough.He does that short quick wacking with the back of his hand. I like full on hard long whacks. When he has used clips, he took them off quite quickly. I would like longer scening that is more intense. I have told him sweetly that he could do more. I am just worried that he is not going to come out as a full fleged Dominant and will continue with the topping and kinky sex but not take it further. I dont want to be in a relationship where something is missing. He has also been very good to me already and good men are rare. I feel very comfortable with him. But is that enough?

If you have no patience or appreciation for such a good find, send him over here. The kinky stuff can come, but a good man who treats a woman well, is a rare gem.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 10:16:09 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Please do not take offense, because I am just trying to give you food for thought, but have you ever considered that he is doing things his way, and how much more dominant could that be? If he was just topping you, he would take cues from you as to how "you" wanted it, instead of how "he" wanted it.

I do not think of dominance synonym for sadism. Not all dominants are sadists. Dominance is a personal interaction. It is about power and control.

My Daddy is very sweet to me, he made me raspberry chocolates by hand last week, he cooked for me too. I do not think of doing things for me as being non-dominant. If he topped me the way I wanted, instead of how he wanted, that would be non-dominant. If he did everything I said, that would be non-dominant. But that is only my opinion.

I think it is important that two people be well suited kink wise in a D/s relationship. In other words, I would not do well with a dominant that never had the desire to beat me up at times... feed my masochist at least occasionally... but I do not get to decide when that happens.... He does, and sometimes it does not happen for long periods of time. That is a part of submission to me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 10:26:05 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Julia brings up the zinger point- he's doing things like he wants to do them and you are enjoying/obeying his authorit to them- lack of dominance is clearly not the issue here.

Lack of expressed aggression, more direct control and perhaps compatibility may be an issue.

When you bring up someone from the vanilla world, you really will need a lot of patience and direct communication. Whether this person can fit well with you over the long term is something you both will need to discover together. Right now it seems you just need to ignore the voice trying to tell you what he "should be" doing, and talking more directly about how you both feel this IS going.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 12:59:19 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Another vote for him being dominant but not sadistic here. He may come to be able to play heavier with time. It isn't usual for most men to be happily vanilla and then one day pick up a paddle and start hitting hard enough to make a partner cry. He may come to be more comfortable with sadism, you could talk to him about it, what kind of reaction from you does he need to be able to ramp it up. He may not.

If not you could discuss playing with others at a dungeon with him there to choose tops and do aftercare. But it's only been a couple of weeks. Much better if he starts slowly and then ramps up over time than the other way around.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 1:35:13 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Is this guy tall and good looking? He sounds non-sadist enough to be almost perfect for me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 1:42:27 PM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

He has not done anything verbal to ask for my subservience or verbal play asking me to call him sir or master.

To me this would not make a difference. If he was demanding it--it would. I've been known to use a given name even during play or even says, "Honey," instead of Sir. To me he sounds like a sweet guy and maybe he is just feeling you out. For me it is okay to say, "I'd like it harder." "I'd like more of that please."

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 11

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 2:21:16 PM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

So I have been dating someone that I didnt meet here. Its only been a couple of weeks. Hes acting like a boyfriend. He is into D'splay and has been for a few years. he likes ropes and cuffs and such. I let him see my subscription to sex and submission and he got all kinds of ideas, bought new toys and rigged his punching bag stand to be able to take my weight. Awesome right? He is also super sweet and helpful. He even made a 2 hour round trip to retrieve the keys I dropped in a restaurant and delivered them to me at work, having to work late himself to make up the time. He has also cooked fro me and supplied me with all the gourmet chocolate a girl could want. Whats the problem? Maybe nothing and hes taking his time. But he has seemed to operate as more of a sensual top and not a Dominant. He has not done anything verbal to ask for my subservience or verbal play asking me to call him sir or master. Also the wacking although it may hurt at the time, does not leave a mark and he doesnt sustain the torture long enough.He does that short quick wacking with the back of his hand. I like full on hard long whacks. When he has used clips, he took them off quite quickly. I would like longer scening that is more intense. I have told him sweetly that he could do more. I am just worried that he is not going to come out as a full fleged Dominant and will continue with the topping and kinky sex but not take it further. I dont want to be in a relationship where something is missing. He has also been very good to me already and good men are rare. I feel very comfortable with him. But is that enough?

I am going to add my voice to those who are telling you to appreciate what you have and wait and see where it could go. He sounds like a great guy. He is learning.... that takes time... but, he very well may be worth the wait as he develops. There is always the chance that he won't be the sadistic type you may wish to stay with, but, if you push too hard or bail to quickly, you will never know.

When I started into this I bought what I now call my "foo foo" toys to use. Light floggers, sensation toys.... because in my mind all I hear was "OMG... I could NEVER actually HURT someone!"

Well... guess what? <chuckle> As I grew into this and realized and accepted that the people I was playing with thrived on and loved pain, I became more comfortable with dishing it out. The more I played with masochists, the more I came to realize that I had a strong sadistic streak in me. But, it took some time.

Nobody can tell you if it is enough for you. Only you can answer that. All I am saying is.... if you really enjoy the man, and he is trying new things and interested in BDSM, then be patient. Finding a good man to spend your time with is MUCH more difficult than finding one to just play with.

JMO.... but, I hope you give him some time.... and enjoy yourself! Good luck to both of you.

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 2:36:28 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

He's not really vanilla and he has been a member on bondage.com. So he had all the ropes and cuffs and nipple clamps etc. As I said, he has been into these things for a few years. Its just not as full force as I would like and it is not with the psychological D's aspects. Although, I suspect he is taking his time figuring me out.

For now, I will see how it goes. I have expresed my needs. He told me the joke about the masochist saying "hit me harder' and the sadsit saying"no". But I truly do appreciate a good man. He is in IT for a big lawfirm. I work at a post secondary school with quite a few underprivaleged students. He said he gets rid of at least 3 computers a week and if I had any students that could use a free computer to let him know. I have 3 lined up for computers as we speak.For my students.Also a free laser printer for me and an external hardrive. Also hes been taking care of a sick friend this weekend with no family around right now. he may be too good for me. But I will try to measure up.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 11/11/2007 2:38:18 PM >

(in reply to MystressDream)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 2:40:54 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Is this guy tall and good looking? He sounds non-sadist enough to be almost perfect for me.

He's 5"9 and has a pot belly which is normally not my thing. Something about him is very sexy. he is funny and intelligent. With a 30 pound weight loss he would be drop dead gorgeous and very very rugged looking.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 2:44:32 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Another vote for him being dominant but not sadistic here. He may come to be able to play heavier with time. It isn't usual for most men to be happily vanilla and then one day pick up a paddle and start hitting hard enough to make a partner cry. He may come to be more comfortable with sadism, you could talk to him about it, what kind of reaction from you does he need to be able to ramp it up. He may not.

If not you could discuss playing with others at a dungeon with him there to choose tops and do aftercare. But it's only been a couple of weeks. Much better if he starts slowly and then ramps up over time than the other way around.

great idea. He is open to going to a club with me. I havent had any seroius talks of playing with other people etc. He has already bought more things. he really is a fan of Midori. I told him how effective a ping pong paddle was. he went out and bought it. he commented laughing that they sell them seperately.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 2:49:31 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

Sex is great. I just have never got to subspace from him and not sure how to express how to get me there.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 2:49:58 PM

MidnightMaiden

Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

Ugh all this topping from the bottom stuff I hear frustrates me. IMHO only an insecure Top would take honest input as such. Yes he may be a sensualist rather than a sadist, but have you given him enough feedback and enough time to make that evaluation?

He's hitting you right, just not hard enough? The fact that he is ok smacking you shows that the actual act of hitting you isn't a roadblock for him, it just sounds like he is either not that experienced with pain sluts, or wants to take it slowly. First time Master and I were intimate and it came to the part where it was obvious he wished me to climax he touched me in a way that was wayyyyy too hard for me. I simply said to him, "Master if you wish to touch me there that hard for the pain it brings then that is your right, however if you would like me to climax then it needs to be softer".

He is my Master, but he is still a man. What man in a loving relationship does not want to see his partner orgasm? How would any man feel if months into a relationship he still hasn't been able to make you cum? Of course he wants to learn how to do that and in any vanilla relationship we would be more relaxed about teaching our partner how to please us, but we get in our heads that if we try and show our Top how to get us off that we are topping from the bottom. If in a year you are still "teaching" him then perhaps you can make the assumption that you are topping, but he is still learning how your body works, your input is essential. He can't know how to turn you on, torment you, tease you unless he runs the full gammit of sensations on you and gets honest feedback.

Look at it this way, if you aren't being honest with him about how you feel when he touches you, then you are robbing him of his power to make changes and choices as to how he treats your body. Don't drop subtle hints, men don't do subtle very well. Come straight out and say "I love the way I feel after a really good flogging and I run the hands over the welts you have left on me", or better yet "hit me harder". If after direct commentary he still hasn't adapted then either its not in him, or that is simply his style, either way you can then make an informed decision about whether or not he is "enough".

As for the rituals of submission, such as calling him Master, kneeling etc. I have a good friend who has expressed a desire to become a Top. I asked him how he felt about kneeling, he thought it was a bit "kooky" and unnecessary. I said to him... Your slave greets you at the door when you come home, kneels and takes off your shoes... what does that say? Master I am glad you are home, I am ready to serve. Your slave clears away dinner, does the dishes and then comes to you on the lounge and kneels at your feet, what does that say to you? Master my duties are done I am ready to serve. You are arguing with your slave and you bark "enough", she kneels at your feet... what does that say? Master I am sorry, I submit. When explained like this he saw the value of kneeling for both master and slave and now intends to incorporate that into his style. Examine why these rituals are important to you, and explain it to him :)

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 17

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 3:28:20 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

Wonderful words MidnightMaiden. OP yes you do need to communicate, hinting is not communicating. MM gave you some great starting points on how to communicate and maybe more importantly how not to communicate, she is right men don't do subtle.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 4:40:01 PM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I know. part of me is thinking its only 2 weeks and I should still play with others. The other part says that would not be right and disloyal.

It has been a wonderful beginning. When I say things to him. I worry that he is letting me top from the bottom. He sees it as getting feedback.

I have a sneaky suspision you are comparing him to others or to what you have read. ??
My Sir also takes his time and way with me. Little did I know how much I really needed it.
Just a few thoughts.

Sir's devoted property

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 19

RE: Is it enough? - 11/11/2007 6:20:28 PM

treehugger42

Posts: 29
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

Ask him! Seriously, ask him if he wants the psychological domination, the service, the harder play, if he's going to want you to call him Master; ask whether he's just starting slowly and warming up or whether that's just not his M.O., because it sounds like that's what you want and need. I know the feeling of "he can make me all the chocolate covered strawberries in the world but if he doesn't beat me until I cry I'm going to go nuts". I always feel like "he's being Dominant in his own way" is such an airy-fairy answer, because all us s-types down here have specific needs, too.

So the short answer is, no, it's not gonna be enough as it is, because it seems you already know it's not going to be. But yeah, as others have said, he sounds fabulous, so feel him out. If he's comfortable with the cuffs and clamps and whatnot, he's hopefully going to be comfy enough to give you a straight answer about whether there's more in store.

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 20

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