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ORIGINAL: feline
Aaaah but that's your opinion. What if I don't see it that way. What if I see it as saving him the anguish that having the knowledge will create? Sparing him, as you will.

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I got news for you, plans can be made way in advanced without anyones (family etc.) prior knowledge.

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effective in what way???

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Not ALL Doms believe this. In fact some believe it is "your" duty to take care of yourself or "property".

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The hurt and anger I felt and still feel is not the way I wanted to remember her.

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What if the person couldn't stand to face the hurt it would create for the other person? Or they didn't want it to change the dynamic of the relationship they already had?

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ORIGINAL: feline

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That's the kind of thing that's cruel to keep to yourself

Aaaah but that's your opinion. What if I don't see it that way. What if I see it as saving him the anguish that having the knowledge will create? Sparing him, as you will.

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that there would be someone in a loving, caring relationship with someone and NOT tell their partner that they had a terminal illness.

What if the person couldn't stand to face the hurt it would create for the other person? Or they didn't want it to change the dynamic of the relationship they already had?




feline:

I strongly urge you to find the strength to tell your Dominant and any others in your life that you love, seek professional help from a councilor who specializes in this, if need be. I am a hospice nurse and have worked in the field of death and dying for over 20 years. I can tell you that I have NEVER seen anything good come from some one who chose to not tell their loved ones that they were dying. < I prefer to say living with a terminal illness> Perhaps, and I mean perhaps, you are saving him some tiny amount of anguish, but that is in the short run, temporary. The anger, distorted views of what the survivor thinks the relationship was, the pain of not feeling the one you loved could have trusted you with this is often years before it can be resolved. The pain of the survivor, anguish if you will, will live for years long after you are gone.

I am speaking to you as a professional, but also as one who knows first hand. My partner of 14 years became ill. He did tell ME he was ill, but no one else. Not his parent, his siblings, friends. I was unaware he had not told them, he asked me not to talk about it because his mother was having a difficult time dealing with it, and was dealing with her denial. I respected his wishes. He died suddenly at home, while I was out of state on business. Even for me the timing of his death was not expected, a massive seizure killed him and he died at home alone. I cannot tell you the horror I experienced when his Mother and sister arrived up here and I said something about his disease, only to find out they had no idea. He died twice for them that day. He physically died, and he died in their hearts. 5 years later, his mother is coming to some sort of peace, but says she will never forgive him. I have my own anger, albeit not too intense, that he left me holding the bag. That I am the one who still deals with the family's unreconcilable grief and that his Mother, sister and others never got a chance to ease into the saddness, instead have had anger and contempt and an empty place in their hearts, where there should be wonderful memories.

I understand it is hard to have to face some one and tell them you are living with a terminal illness. I had to do that too. <I was, fortunately, misdiagnosed with metastic cancer> You are absolutely correct.... it brings pain to others to hear this. You need to know and keep in your mind... YOU are not the one causing the pain. YOU are not responsible for this. This is something that tragically happens, there is no blame assigned, just the unfairness of life at times.

It is just MHO, but the dynamic of your relationship has already changed. The reason is two fold:
1- You are going thru a process that is undoubtedly changing your life as you know it, there fore changing the dynamics of every one in your life, as they are a part of you. This part is a consequence of the process.

2- You < seem like> you are going to keep this information to yourself and deny others, at least your Dominant, to be allowed the chance to prepare themselves for what is going to befall them. This part is a consequence of your actions.

The process cannot be changed, your actions can be.

Sometimes one has to read the silence, and what I am reading is that you fear telling him, that he cannot handle this information. That the fact that you are " damaged goods" will change his affections for you. That you do not want to lose him, and think this will make him split. While I cannot assume to know what would happen if you told him, I can tell you that not telling him < or others> will eat at you every day. It already is. To live with a terminal disease you need to create your own sense of wellness. You are only as sick as your secrets. < that applies to everyone, not only the ones living with illness>

Look inward and find the strength to tell him. It does take strength. I have no doubts that you have that strength..... you just need to remove the fear... the strength is there waiting for you to release it.

misteria

< Message edited by misteria -- 8/8/2005 2:01:13 PM >

(in reply to feline)

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ORIGINAL: nenakajira

Feline,

I don't understand your arguments on other people's answers. You asked a question that though many do not often think about, is a reality for some.. and will become a reality for others. Noone lives forever.

But, you asked for honest opinions as to what each of us, in our own relationships, would do. And then you argued about what we said. Umm.. what was the point? Were you just hoping that we'd mimic your belief system?

Beliefs vary widely.. very widely. Everyone has their own way of coping but it is their way and is valid as such.

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ORIGINAL: darlingjade

I'll be honest, how I handled the situation would depend very much on the relationship dynamic. Seems to me that thus far everyone is speaking from the perspective of a longterm, loving, and committed relationship. In that case, I'd absolutely tell. Are we all in those kinds of relationships? Nope. And even if I were, I lost whatever expectations I may have had about how someone might react to my becoming ill when I DID become ill and my ex walked out because I'd become a "burden".

Of course, your mileage may vary. Heck, we can argue what we SHOULD do as subs/slaves. But I'll tell you honestly, I'd handle it in the way I thought would best serve my Dom. That IS what this is all about for me. And, quite frankly, if the best thing I could do for him was NOT to tell him then I wouldn't. I wouldn't care what the submissive handbook said or whatever other criteria people seem to use around here to judge how submissive someone is or what decisions they should be making at any given time. I'd do exactly what I've always tried to do, serve his best interests.

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ORIGINAL: nenakajira

Everyone has their own way of coping but it is their way and is valid as such.

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ORIGINAL: darlingjade

I'll be honest, how I handled the situation would depend very much on the relationship dynamic. Seems to me that thus far everyone is speaking from the perspective of a longterm, loving, and committed relationship. In that case, I'd absolutely tell. Are we all in those kinds of relationships? Nope. And even if I were, I lost whatever expectations I may have had about how someone might react to my becoming ill when I DID become ill and my ex walked out because I'd become a "burden".

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But I'll tell you honestly, I'd handle it in the way I thought would best serve my Dom. That IS what this is all about for me. And, quite frankly, if the best thing I could do for him was NOT to tell him then I wouldn't. I wouldn't care what the submissive handbook said or whatever other criteria people seem to use around here to judge how submissive someone is or what decisions they should be making at any given time. I'd do exactly what I've always tried to do, serve his best interests.