RE: To Tell Or Not?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: To Tell Or Not?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: To Tell Or Not?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 7:27:31 PM

nenakajira

Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feline

quote:

That's the kind of thing that's cruel to keep to yourself

Aaaah but that's your opinion. What if I don't see it that way. What if I see it as saving him the anguish that having the knowledge will create? Sparing him, as you will.

quote:

I don't really know of any terminal illnesses that don't start seriously affecting you BEFORE you die

I work in the medical industry, they exist.

quote:

Plans should be made,

I got news for you, plans can be made way in advanced without anyones (family etc.) prior knowledge.

quote:

makes it impossible for the dominant to be effective.

effective in what way???

quote:

its his job to insure my health and take care of me,

Not ALL Doms believe this. In fact some believe it is "your" duty to take care of yourself or "property".

quote:

The hurt and anger I felt and still feel is not the way I wanted to remember her.

Did you ever stop to think she didn't want your pity in her last days. No matter what you believe when people find out things like this it changes the way they view you. And I don't know about you, but I'm not one for pity. I find it sad you feel angry about your grandmother. It was her business, and she chose not to tell you.

quote:

that there would be someone in a loving, caring relationship with someone and NOT tell their partner that they had a terminal illness.

What if the person couldn't stand to face the hurt it would create for the other person? Or they didn't want it to change the dynamic of the relationship they already had?

This is what bugged me, feline. To be honest, this does not feel like youre probing for deeper answers.. but trying to argue your point of view against anyone elses. While that is a valid way of having a discussion I have to admit it left me with a very bad taste in my mouth. It just feels like youre trying to prove the validity of your thoughts above all others when with something this personal.... there really is no right way.. theres just your way... or my way.. or her way.. ect..ect.

(in reply to feline)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 8:18:43 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Not to mention this tends to be the most common justification for cheating- if they don't know, they won't be hurt...if I tell them it would hurt them and our relationship unnecessarily, it's better for everyone for me to get what I want and feel is best.

Lies of omission are still lies, even if the relationship is completely without love and emotion, the dominant should be aware of the state of their property and how it will affect their future service.

I didn't know that this was an actual situation Feline was undergoing, I guess she posted it in her profile or such as I didn't see it in the discussion itself.

To me the ethical options are either just be open about it or ask to be released.

(in reply to nenakajira)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/9/2005 5:41:13 AM

tigress31047

Posts: 98
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline

This topic hits very close to home for me..My husbsnd(vanilla) of 14 yrs died 4 1/2 yrs ago . He did not tell me or anyone the true extent of his illness.. he had to tell us he was sick , that was obvious but he did not tell us how bad it was. on his last dr's visit that year they told him he would be in a wheelchair by the end of that yr and that he would never walk again. he committed suicide less than 2 weeks later. i never got to say goodbye. i never got to tell him all that he truly meant to me..i have never gotten over the fact that there was no closure since he jumped off a bridge in niagara falls and we never found the body. i feel it is extremely important to tell the ones you love or care about if there is an illness that will reflect on the relationship... just knowing personally how it has effected me and my children to have something like this hit you out of the blue with no warning and no preperation i would never wish that kind of pain and uncertainty and the "What do I do now?" on my worst enemy.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/9/2005 7:45:22 AM

feline

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

quote:

he committed suicide less than 2 weeks later. i never got to say goodbye. i never got to tell him all that he truly meant to me..

I am very sorry for your loss. I can relate to your grief.

What if it had been a car accident instead? No prior warning there either. Should you not tell people all those things anyway? Shouldn't you let people know, cause you never know, tomorrow could very well be their last. Or even yours.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to tigress31047)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/9/2005 12:50:10 PM

feline

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

I would like to thank everyone who participated in this thread. Your posts were /are inspiring and appreciated.Of course in the end one always has to do what is right for them. Everyone has a right to their opinions, thank you all for expressing yours.

Side Note; To the Hospice nurse . . . . . may I say you are an invaluable part of the medical industry. And I have been honored several times to work with those in your field. Keep up the great work!

Take care and remember lifes too short

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to feline)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/9/2005 1:19:32 PM

darlingjade

Posts: 54
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

The question specifically used the word "your dom" implying a long term committed authority relationship. If the term had been "a top" "a guy you know" or any other word, the answers might be very different. Perhaps the OP should define what relationship SHE is talking about when she says "your dom" if it varies from the fairly common understood idea.

Since I've been interacting with others in the lifestyle for close to eight years now, I've had to conclude that ANY definition or terminolgy varies with whoever is using it. So while I may say MY Dom, what I mean is probably VERY different from the meaning anyone else attaches to it.

That having been said, not EVERY Dom has the ability to face death with grace. As it happens, I know one Dom that went through cancer with his mother and will tell you in straight forward terms that he could never go through that with anyone ever again. He. Simply. Can. NOT.

So in answering this question I had to consider ALL angles not just the pretty, rose colored images of handholding and broad shoulders to lean on because I DO know the Dom I just mentioned. And I DO know that Doms are people and have phobias and things they can't face.

quote:

I agree, but ONLY if we'd had some sort of discussion on the topic already and he'd let me know that he wouldn't care if I told him or not.

Exactly. I'd never make such a decision without knowing with absolute certainty what would serve MY Dom's best interests. If that means telling him, I'd tell him. If that means asking for release, I'd ask for release. And if that meant keeping the secret and shouldering it alone, I'd damn well do that as well.

(in reply to misteria)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/10/2005 5:00:44 AM

chainedgirl

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

At the end of the day, whether i love my Master or not (that is relationship versus strictly D/s) i am His property. i have a responsibility to inform Him of any change to His property, positive or negative. Maybe that isn't so for eveyone but it is for us.

(in reply to littleone35)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/11/2005 2:24:11 PM

woodsbunny

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2005
Status: offline

To tell or not?

This is a really hard question. I think it does matter who is being told -- not their status in a person's life, but rather their ability to deal with what is happening.

It would be great to be able to tell everything, absolutely everything, to your significant other, spouse, Master, slave, lover. But I think there are times when that isn't possible.

Every day I try to tell my lover how much I love her and enjoy being with her. I try to do this all during the day. Maybe telling that (or something similar) to your significant other(s) is what is important in the end. Telling and showing.

If I couldn't tell my lover beforehand, I'd make sure they received a letter or a package after the fact.

Woodsbunny

(in reply to feline)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/12/2005 7:05:28 AM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

that there would be someone in a loving, caring relationship with someone and NOT tell their partner that they had a terminal illness.

What if the person couldn't stand to face the hurt it would create for the other person? Or they didn't want it to change the dynamic of the relationship they already had?

feline...i cannot imagine being so selfish. For the dying person i have a great deal of compassion, but they are not excused from behaving ethically. It is not that you wish to spare someone hurt -- when you die (if this is about you) they will come to know you knew months before you were terminal and feel not just grief but betrayal. How difficult it is to tell now, to be honest, is nothing compared to that pain.

pinkpleasures

_____________________________

(in reply to littleone35)

Profile

Post #: 49