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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 8:02:04 PM

Lumus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I have always been told that women should not pursue men because men like to persue women. And that if they were interested enough, the man would do the persuing and if not, you could end up just being used for convinence.

Then there are people you are really interested in who accept your pursuing them, they respond to it and react in a way that keeps you(me) chasing after them. You almost can't help but chase but deep down you are wondering if you are doing the right thing-if they are not secretly annoyed or uncomfortable or worse....you just end up being used.

I know this is not only a D/s issue but a vanilla one as well. But I wonder these things. I know many here have found what they are seeking and I enjoy their opinions on things like this.

Should the eager (sometimes overeager) to please submissive pursue the (potentially) exploitive, limits pushing, dom? Or should the submissive wait to be the one pursued?

In your current relationship, who did most of the pursuing?

In general, I'm pursued...sometimes, I'm clueless about it until after the fact.

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RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 9:14:44 PM

scottjk

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

I initiated contact with my Master. I liked what he had been writing on the forums so I sent him a note on the other side saying "If I were a better swimmer I would crawl to you."

After that though...he went on the offensive He was the one who claimed me, he said I was his, he basically 'made the move' of 'collaring' me and saying we were exclusive and in a relationship. And I like that....I don't know if men like to be the hunters because I'm a woman...but I like being the hunted!

It's fine to initiate contact...even in real life women often make the first move by smiling at a man, signaling "yes you can approach, I'm not married and I don't bite" - but after that I like to leave the ball in his court. If he wants me - he will get me. No point in chasing him down over it, you know?

You should teach a class. Most girls don't do what you've done. In our society, I get the impression that only two opinions form regarding a guy making an approach, "cute" or "creep". (chuckles)

Me? Turn on the landing lights, I'll take a hint. LOL

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 9:29:59 PM

scottjk

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

In real life I am very flirtatious and smiling, laughing, or tossing my hair back is usually enough to catch some mans attention if he has some interest. In my real bdsm life, I LOATHE being the one who has to give the dominant the OK to be aggressive. I hate that nilla men feel at ease with the pursuit, while dominants will wait till I freaking give them the key.
Blech. Usually it results in my never submitting to a dominant, and nilla guys end up into bdsm because eventually my interests taint them.
For me, having come into this bdsm stuff long before the internet, I STILL view men as the hunter and I enjoy being the game. If they do not approach me first and make the interest known I am likely to overlook them as non-issues.
I think you have to go with what is comfy in the end.
Kyst

Sheesh! That's encouraging. Thanks a lot! LOL

Look, if I'm at a community D/s gathering, there are a few things I know already as a male and a Dom.

1. There is a room filled with Doms and Dommes, with very painful empty handed methods, and even more painful tools that can be used in a moment's notice.
2. The Doms tend to be testosterone driven. Sad to say, the average Dom scares me, and thier sense of judgement even more.
3. The Dommes tend to be estrogen driven. Again, read #2 for the same reason.
4. Considering #2 and #3, the concept of 'protecting' single or solo subs seems to be a common topic of such gatherings, and the common epithet seems to be slanted towards the male as the agressive gender, rarely the female. Strange about that.
5. IF a sub that is approached appears the least bit annoyed, the poor Dom is often the subject of an extensive discussion of dismemberment, shipping rates, cat litter and sanitation methods.

(chuckle)

All humor aside? Really, in spite of being a Dom, I'd rather know up front if I have a girl's interest, preferably by having her grabbing my ass and suggesting a drink, a topic and a smile. At the very least, she brings the drink and points to a table. It's not that I don't have a clue, I just need clearer signals or outright invitation.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 9:42:08 PM

Rushemery

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Should the eager (sometimes overeager) to please submissive pursue the (potentially) exploitive, limits pushing, dom?

yes, I like a woman who has enough balls to say hay check me out, how would we know if your interested if you dont but thats just me

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 9:47:59 PM

FullfigRIMaam

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I enjoy being pursued, and courted.
Pursuing doesn't work for me, because when I have, I've ended up with men who think they are hot and don't have to do a thing to win my affections. I've usually found that pursuing gets me lazy men who think I want to get laid and nothing else. M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMaam -- 11/13/2007 9:50:18 PM >

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 9:50:24 PM

shootingstar67

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam

Pursuing doesn't work for me, because when I have, I've ended up with men who think they are hot and don't have to do a thing to win my affections. I've usually found that pursuing gets me lazy men who think I want to get laid and nothing else. M

That has happened to me too.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 9:55:47 PM

MzMia

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Well, I don't mind showing initial interest FIRST, and dropping a clue.
Now, if they can't take a hint and pursue me, that shows me that they
were not that interested in me.
On the other hand, it is nice to take the initative first because sometimes
the type of person that normally approaches me is NOT the person that I
might choose.
Sometimes, the sweet, shy and quiet ones are not going to make a move, without
a little encouragement.

I like sweet, shy and quiet submissives.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 9:56:44 PM

Aceton

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Just wanted to say great thread and great question. I have no idea as to the answer though. I'm not a man, so I can't tell you if men like to be pursued or not. I guess everyone likes to feel wanted though.

I guess I aim for a kind of 'mutual pursuit', meaning if I like someone I will take the initial steps and see if I tickle their fancy, but if it is constantly one sided, then I'll leave it. I have to feel desired as well, otherwise, yes, I think there is a strong possibility of setting oneself up for a relationship where the other person doesn't think they have to do anything at all.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 9:58:03 PM

Rushemery

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam

I enjoy being pursued, and courted.
Pursuing doesn't work for me, because when I have, I've ended up with men who think they are hot and don't have to do a thing to win my affections. I've usually found that pursuing gets me lazy men who think I want to get laid and nothing else. M

lol sorry but thats funny----- I have to add I am clueless most of the time as well women smile and I chat with them all the time and it doesnt really mean anything until they make their point clear

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 10:07:57 PM

Aceton

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I'll add this though, pursuing does occasionally make me feel kind of lame and desperate. I'm not sure why that is. It's almost like I feel I shouldn't be pursuing anyone, that if they wanted me they would come to me.

This of course, makes no logical sense, because if both people felt that way, well then nobody would ever get anyone :) But still, there it is.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 10:39:55 PM

shootingstar67

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aceton

I'll add this though, pursuing does occasionally make me feel kind of lame and desperate. I'm not sure why that is. It's almost like I feel I shouldn't be pursuing anyone, that if they wanted me they would come to me.

This of course, makes no logical sense, because if both people felt that way, well then nobody would ever get anyone :) But still, there it is.

I feel like If I am pursuing them maybe they don't like me enough. Or he is out of my league, can get better etc..

But when I let them pursue me and I tend to end up with the most aggressive guys, the ones that don't take no for an answer..etc. That hasn't been good.

One good thing about the pursuit is you do get to choose. You can also end the persuit if the guy ends up having some character flaw you don't like. In short you are in control, if you are strong enough to resist his domly ways...

The danger here is the relationship moves too fast..not enough friendship in the beginning.

< Message edited by shootingstar67 -- 11/13/2007 11:12:09 PM >

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 10:42:19 PM

Rumtiger

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I like a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it.

A woman who decides to make me pursue her dosent fit this criteria, to me its just another girl deciding to play games rather then just getting to the meat of the matter. Playing hard to get is nothing more then a pain in my ass and a waste of my time for a girl who thinks she cuter then she really is.

It's not really any skin off my back though, I'm sure there will be some yutz right behind me who will happily try obliging her in whatever games are going on.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 10:48:53 PM

pinksugarsub

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Late at night i like to see who's online and if i like a Dom, maybe say g'morning. Sometimes this leads to chat, s'times not. And the chats run the gamut from fun to ewwwww. It's all a crap shoot.

Still, i love seeing my 'new messages' light on.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 11/13/2007 10:49:55 PM >

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 10:53:07 PM

MissMagnolia

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I don't pursue men generally. The one time recently when I did actually make the first move and started talking to a guy on here, he told me I was the first Domme who'd contacted him, that no Dommes had replied to his emails, blah, blah, blah. Turned out he's talking to half a dozen Dommes on here and typing one handed most of the time from what I can gather. Thank god I don't cyber, so at least I didn't waste too much time on him, LOL.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 10:58:05 PM

Lordandmaster

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Yes, and women belong in the kitchen. And they're not very good at math. Oh, and they're more emotional than men, too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I have always been told that women should not pursue men because men like to persue women. And that if they were interested enough, the man would do the persuing and if not, you could end up just being used for convinence.

(in reply to shootingstar67)

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Post #: 35

RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 11:14:19 PM

shootingstar67

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deleted

< Message edited by shootingstar67 -- 11/13/2007 11:21:26 PM >

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 11:29:14 PM

MsPleasure

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It depends on the man. If approached correctly (with humor, compliment, a question, etc.) most men are flattered. Some even welcome the women taking the first step. Once the ice is broken, you can decide if you want to pursue or not. Sometimes they are not what you expected so you move on, but if they seem interesting go for it.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/14/2007 12:02:33 AM

Kirata

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A woman can communicate whether or not she is open to being approached by a man without "pursuing" him. When that happens, it's up to me to decide whether or not I want to act on it. When I do, sometimes a few steps down that road is far enough for one or the other. All you can do is just see how it goes. But I don't approach women otherwise. And fetishes aside, few women in my experience have found themselves better off with men who pursue females that give absolutely no signal of openness or interest.

Online represents a more difficult venue, because all the non-verbal options are unavailable. On the other hand, it has the advantage that your anonymity is preserved until (and if) you feel comfortable dropping it.

But online or not, if a woman actually "pursues" me it makes me uncomfortable. I happen to be an honorable man, but she has no way of knowing that. She is a wreck looking to happen. The best way I've seen to deal with the situation is to just write to the Dom or Master and let him know that you would enjoy the chance to talk if he's interested. He'll check your profile, and either respond or not. That's not "pursuing" anybody, that's just being honest.

K.

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/14/2007 12:32:11 AM

Aceton

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aceton

I'll add this though, pursuing does occasionally make me feel kind of lame and desperate. I'm not sure why that is. It's almost like I feel I shouldn't be pursuing anyone, that if they wanted me they would come to me.

This of course, makes no logical sense, because if both people felt that way, well then nobody would ever get anyone :) But still, there it is.

I feel like If I am pursuing them maybe they don't like me enough. Or he is out of my league, can get better etc..

But when I let them pursue me and I tend to end up with the most aggressive guys, the ones that don't take no for an answer..etc. That hasn't been good.

One good thing about the pursuit is you do get to choose. You can also end the persuit if the guy ends up having some character flaw you don't like. In short you are in control, if you are strong enough to resist his domly ways...

The danger here is the relationship moves too fast..not enough friendship in the beginning.

Of course, it's also impossible not to throw this old quote in here:

"Man chases woman, until she catches him."

To be honest it's really a crap shoot. You roll the dice, you take your chances, and sometimes you win big. Other times not so much :)

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RE: When not to pursue - 11/14/2007 1:30:44 AM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aceton

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aceton

I'll add this though, pursuing does occasionally make me feel kind of lame and desperate. I'm not sure why that is. It's almost like I feel I shouldn't be pursuing anyone, that if they wanted me they would come to me.

This of course, makes no logical sense, because if both people felt that way, well then nobody would ever get anyone :) But still, there it is.

I feel like If I am pursuing them maybe they don't like me enough. Or he is out of my league, can get better etc..

But when I let them pursue me and I tend to end up with the most aggressive guys, the ones that don't take no for an answer..etc. That hasn't been good.

One good thing about the pursuit is you do get to choose. You can also end the persuit if the guy ends up having some character flaw you don't like. In short you are in control, if you are strong enough to resist his domly ways...

The danger here is the relationship moves too fast..not enough friendship in the beginning.

Of course, it's also impossible not to throw this old quote in here:

"Man chases woman, until she catches him."

To be honest it's really a crap shoot. You roll the dice, you take your chances, and sometimes you win big. Other times not so much :)