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advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:02:25 PM

lilgrlkyla

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

       I began seeing a new Dom a month and a half ago. He and I have only been intimate once & played one other time since then (no sexual contact-just play). We talk everyday, and live very close to one another. He invites me to stay over at least once a week. But here is the kicker..... When i stay there, nothing happens ever. We just sleep. He is not affectionate, doesn't show me any physical attention at all. Now to be fair He had surgery in the middle of September, which may have caused some discomfort for Him durring O/our play prior.
       I am starting to go crazy here. I've talked to him several times, I don't know what the problem is. He has told me that im trying to Top from the bottom. I do not see it. He say's that is why he is with holding his affections from me not to mention sex.
        I feel like if there has been any Topping at all it is due to my extreme frustration & deprivation. Going on four weeks and no intimacy at all. Do not get me wrong please, it's not all about the sex, kink, bdsm.... It's more about me being his sub, and having the need to feel wanted, and needed by Him. I feel stuck. I do not want to move on. I want to solve the problem.
        Help please

Post #: 1

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:14:02 PM

Lumus

Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

*sighs* ok, ok...

First question: what are you considering intimate? When you sleep do you hold each other? Does he stroke your cheek or hair? Does your head nestle his shoulder or lap? To me, all these things are intimate; if they are happening you need to clarify a little...ie He's not using me and I WANT IT.

Second question: what do you want out of this? Love? Sex? Have you discussed these notions with him to see if he even views these things in the same light? The two of you just might not be a good match; and if such is the case, c'est la vie...

The answers should help make things a bit easier to address. Cheers.

_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 2

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:19:36 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

You want to move on so move on. All you can do is find what floats your boat. It looks like you both have different wants and needs. Not a good match if you ask me. He's not for you and you're not for him. Just move on.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 3

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:19:56 PM

lilgrlkyla

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

I also concider those to be intimate gestures. And no they are not happening I will snuggle up to Him. He does not recipricate. Him and I have discussed the future and W/we are both looking for the same things. Love and long term.
It is frustrating that he does not wish to use me or play with me but ive learned to deal with it so far. The intimacy is what I'm looking for. Show me that you truely want me around. I am feeling like more of a vanilla companion, rather than his submissive.

(in reply to Lumus)

Post #: 4

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:22:53 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgrlkyla

       I began seeing a new Dom a month and a half ago. He and I have only been intimate once & played one other time since then (no sexual contact-just play). We talk everyday, and live very close to one another. He invites me to stay over at least once a week. But here is the kicker..... When i stay there, nothing happens ever. We just sleep. He is not affectionate, doesn't show me any physical attention at all. Now to be fair He had surgery in the middle of September, which may have caused some discomfort for Him durring O/our play prior.
       I am starting to go crazy here. I've talked to him several times, I don't know what the problem is. He has told me that im trying to Top from the bottom. I do not see it. He say's that is why he is with holding his affections from me not to mention sex.
        I feel like if there has been any Topping at all it is due to my extreme frustration & deprivation. Going on four weeks and no intimacy at all. Do not get me wrong please, it's not all about the sex, kink, bdsm.... It's more about me being his sub, and having the need to feel wanted, and needed by Him. I feel stuck. I do not want to move on. I want to solve the problem.
        Help please

Well,this is all supposition on my part, but I will give it a go..First off, if he has had some recent surgery and is still on pain meds, he may not be able to gain an erection at this point, but does not want to inform you of this..Your communicating to him that your feelings of sexual frustration ,is not topping, it is providing information..he, to me uses the "topping" word to mainly shut you up..but on the other hand I know not ,how you address him when you do bring this up..I know not, how often you have broached this subject..And yes, it is not all about sex,but consider this as well..if a Dominant complained about a sub who made him wait 4 or more weeks for sex, what would you say?..I know what I would say...:0).If you wish to feel needed and wanted as a submissive then be just that submissive to all the other needs he may be wishing to be met..Since you do not want to move on, then dont, and be patient...quit pushing..see what happens..after all what is 4 weeks in the scope of things?? Do not forget, this problem cannot be solved by just you, it ALWAYS takes both of you....I am thinking you both need to sit down and have a long discourse on what it is you both want from this relationship and the importance of those wants....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 5

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:28:09 PM

Youresomine

Posts: 47
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like there is a true lack of communication here. Communication is the key to any relationship and is critical in D/s. "Love and long term" are such broad perameters for what you are looking for. He needs to communicate with you and it is absolutely not topping from the bottom if you are seeking clarification. You have been together way too short for him not to be communicating with you and "witholding" like that. Now is the time for you to build things up, get to know each other's needs through communicating not silence and confusion.

< Message edited by Youresomine -- 11/13/2007 8:29:36 PM >

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 6

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:39:44 PM

lilgrlkyla

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Thank you Tempting, I feel that it is worth waiting for, I'm just becoming impatient, due to the fact i feel completely lost. Comunication, Comunication, Comunication. I talk he listens or seems to but very little responce. I always approach any subject with respect. The last time I brought this up to Him. I walked over to Him sitting in his chair and got on my knees in front of Him and looked into him eyes. The answer i get is I'm Topping and W/we are working on it. I am not new to this by any means. I have had several D/s relationships. But none quite like this one. A bit confusing...

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 7

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:40:31 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I do wonder at his accusing you of topping from the bottom- that's most often used as a ploy to shut someone up and avoid the issue.

However I have to say- he's certainly never led you to believe he's any different then who he is showing himself to be so it seems. So why did you get to know him, say "this works for me" and are now upset that things aren't working differently?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Youresomine)

Post #: 8

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:48:54 PM

lilgrlkyla

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

This is not who He was in this first few weeks He was very attentive. Affectionate Hot you might say.
And in regards to the Topping, I am a woman and a submissive. I will act affectionate, flirtatious around him. Hoping that he will want to return the gestures. I guess standing back and looking at it, it could be construed as trying to manipulate a situation.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 8:54:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well it would seem your choice is to wait patiently and less attentively and see how he reacts and THEN decide, or decide it's not worth the risk and end it now.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 10

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 9:17:42 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Sounds like a compatibility issue to me, and i just have to ask, why would you want a relationship with someone that you had to struggle just to get your basic affection needs and sexual needs met? There are many doms out there that want sex and affection and you would not have to top from the bottom to get those things out of them... they would just be offered freely... just my thoughts

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 11

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 9:34:11 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

To the OP, you've talked, he has blown you off with that lame "you're topping from the bottom" routine. You need to look at where you are and where you HONESTLY see this going. Perhaps move on now before it gets harder.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 12

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 11:12:55 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgrlkyla

       I began seeing a new Dom a month and a half ago. He and I have only been intimate once & played one other time since then (no sexual contact-just play). We talk everyday, and live very close to one another. He invites me to stay over at least once a week. But here is the kicker..... When i stay there, nothing happens ever. We just sleep. He is not affectionate, doesn't show me any physical attention at all. Now to be fair He had surgery in the middle of September, which may have caused some discomfort for Him durring O/our play prior.
       I am starting to go crazy here. I've talked to him several times, I don't know what the problem is. He has told me that im trying to Top from the bottom. I do not see it. He say's that is why he is with holding his affections from me not to mention sex.
        I feel like if there has been any Topping at all it is due to my extreme frustration & deprivation. Going on four weeks and no intimacy at all. Do not get me wrong please, it's not all about the sex, kink, bdsm.... It's more about me being his sub, and having the need to feel wanted, and needed by Him. I feel stuck. I do not want to move on. I want to solve the problem.
        Help please

In my case this went on for several months. i was crazy about Him and loved snuggling but craved sex and play, which He would not give me. Eventually He left me; dunno even now what the problem was.

i'd say after 4 weeks, especially with spending the night together, this may not be amenable to change. i suggest you not follow my example and hang in there indefinately, hoping that change will occur.

i'm very sorry this is happening to you. i know how lonely and confusing and frustrating it is.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 11/13/2007 11:14:25 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 13

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 11:40:31 PM

erebus

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline

You talk every day. I assume the conversation goes well. Perhaps the operation was for a serious condition. If he is facing a terminal condition (I have no idea, just guessing), well, that takes the ardor out of any relationship.

I'd tell him exactly what you've mentioned here. You want and expect affection from him, otherwise you are not satisfied and are unhappy. If you don't get the response you want, then, yes, consider it over.

Some people are just not affectionate. As they say, 'he's just not into you.'

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 14

RE: advice needed - 11/13/2007 11:48:51 PM

Viridana

Posts: 754
Status: offline

What struck me most about this post is this topping from the bottom nonsense. Communicating feelings and needs is not, nor will ever be, topping from the bottom. Dominants who use this route to shut their sub up are usually doing so to free themselves from taking any responsibility of their role in the relationship.

You know this guy better than us, you know what you want and need and I think deep down inside you know whether the situation is gonna change or not.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 15

RE: advice needed - 11/14/2007 4:11:29 AM

Sexynmentalinkc

Posts: 132
Joined: 4/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Sounds like a compatibility issue to me, and i just have to ask, why would you want a relationship with someone that you had to struggle just to get your basic affection needs and sexual needs met?

I second this.

It sounds like this has come up with you two more than once. From the way you tell it (and yes, do remember that there's 2 sides to every story), I think he's avoiding your concerns and needs. Listening perhaps...but not hearing.

You definitely won't be fulfilled and truly in your place unless you find One who's vision, words and (more importantly) actions line up with your needs. It doesn't sound like that's happening here.

So.............................whatcha gonna DO about it?

*tips his hat*

- Mr. S

_____________________________

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. ...I'm certainly not. And I'm sick and tired of being told that I am..."

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 16

RE: advice needed - 11/14/2007 6:05:15 AM

MasterGremlin

Posts: 230
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgrlkyla

       I began seeing a new Dom a month and a half ago. He and I have only been intimate once & played one other time since then (no sexual contact-just play). We talk everyday, and live very close to one another. He invites me to stay over at least once a week. But here is the kicker..... When i stay there, nothing happens ever. We just sleep. He is not affectionate, doesn't show me any physical attention at all. Now to be fair He had surgery in the middle of September, which may have caused some discomfort for Him durring O/our play prior.
       I am starting to go crazy here. I've talked to him several times, I don't know what the problem is. He has told me that im trying to Top from the bottom. I do not see it. He say's that is why he is with holding his affections from me not to mention sex.
        I feel like if there has been any Topping at all it is due to my extreme frustration & deprivation. Going on four weeks and no intimacy at all. Do not get me wrong please, it's not all about the sex, kink, bdsm.... It's more about me being his sub, and having the need to feel wanted, and needed by Him. I feel stuck. I do not want to move on. I want to solve the problem.
        Help please

It's only been a month and 1/2 and this is already an issue. You are clearly not compatible, move on.
Sincerely,
minxy

(in reply to lilgrlkyla)

Post #: 17

RE: advice needed - 11/14/2007 6:31:13 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You need physical affection. He isn't capable of giving that to people.

The problem isn't that you're incompatible, it's that you didn't talk about affection upfront. And worse, now that you are talking about it, his response is not to tell you that he doesn't do that, but instead of being honest he attacks you as topping from the bottom.

The lack of communication in the beginning is both your faults. However, his response to you shows insecurity and immaturity.

You can do better, go do so.

(in reply to MasterGremlin)

Post #: 18

RE: advice needed - 11/14/2007 6:42:38 AM

MasterLehr1

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/26/2007
Status: offline

There are two possible reasons why your Dom does not display physical intimacy with you. One you can't do anything about, the other...well...maybe.

1. Some folks just aren't wired to be physically intimate with anyone...family, friends, lovers,...etc. This has nothing to do with being Dom or sub, by the way. If this is the case, you will NEVER change this aspect of their personality. Asking them to provide hugs, spooning, etc. is as hopeless as...well...asking you to live without it! In this case, it is a compatibilty problem that can't be overcome. If your objective is a long term relationship, then find someone who needs this as much as you do.

2. There MAY be a perception on the part of your Dom that physical intimacy = loss of control. It's only been 6 weeks, so perhaps he is concerned about compromising your perception of him as a Dom in command of you. He may be able to give and receive hugs from family and friends, but not you because of your power exchange during its developmental phase. But personally, I've never looked at physical intimacy to a sub as some kind of reward or weakness. I touch, hug, hold and covet my girl Rayna frequently and with little reservation, because its always given me great satisfaction to do so. This was how I treated her on the first day we met as Dom/sub, and its still true to this day.

If #2 is the case, you might be able to change this perception through a great deal of comunication, letting him know that physical intimacy does not diminish your respect for him. He may not believe you are serious until you discuss the possibility of finding someone more compatible with you, however.

Hope that helps.

< Message edited by MasterLehr1 -- 11/14/2007 6:46:13 AM >

(in reply to MasterGremlin)

Post #: 19

RE: advice needed - 11/14/2007 6:56:01 AM

lilgrlkyla

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

You talk every day. I assume the conversation goes well. Perhaps the operation was for a serious condition. If he is facing a terminal condition (I have no idea, just guessing), well, that takes the ardor out of any relationship.

Yes W/we talk everyday on the phone, I call Him every morning to make sure He got the message I left Him the night prior. He set forth a task for me, to call Him everynight before i go to bed. I keep very strange hours, dont get to bed untill very late. So I always call and leave Him a voice mail. O/our conversations arent that of real substance.
And in regards to the surgery He had, it isn't a terminal condition at all. It was a hernia repair.

quote:

You definitely won't be fulfilled and truly in your place unless you find One who's vision, words and (more importantly) actions line up with your needs. It doesn't sound like that's happening here.

So.............................whatcha gonna DO about it?

I mentioned before I'm not new to this. I've been in relationships before with D/s being very important. It is very hard to find a Man, a Dom, a Master, who is near, pleasant & not abusive with Their power. I as many have been with that perfect Dom, but they are few & far between and usualy short term relationships because thats the way They so choose it to be. This Man if He could open up to me, could be a very worth while investment. I could see falling in love, and having a future. I want what some of the Others on this site have found. Their Soul mates.... if that term is even relevant & exists. My problem is after reading all of Y/your comments, which I thank you very much for. I find I'm deluding myself I know this isn't right. I'm just tired of looking, and I know what I want & He is not it for me. I need to feel usefull, needed & wanted. I'm a very attractive level headed woman, and strong willed at times. If He doesn't want to open up to me & try to make this work it is His loss & here I go again.... Getting used to being alone because I will not settle for vanilla relationship again.
Thank You A/all for all of Y/your comments and advice to me.

< Message edited by lilgrlkyla -- 11/14/2007 7:35:30 AM >

(in reply to Sexynmentalinkc)

Post #: 20

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