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RE: The vanishing acts. - 11/15/2007 8:13:46 PM   
slaveelle


Posts: 116
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThomasMore

Usually, "Welcome to Dumpsville...population: YOU" does wonders.


That was just priceless...hahaha.
But..even though it sounds funny im not sure how i would handle that kind of response. I prefer what LA and Miss Magnolia said, its precise and to the point but no so in ya face.

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 8:23:54 PM   
Invictus754


Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: erebus

To say a person is too old, too bald, too ugly etc. can be quite hurtful. 


I'm trying to figure out "too bald". 
Aint that kinda like "a little pregnant"?

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If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 8:55:02 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		someone going *poof sucks

I think that being truthful does not mean being rude.

I think there are some people who use honesty as a reason for rudeness;
having said that clear communication that is direct and without ambiguity has become very important to me...I used to use alot of unnecessary qualifiers and am learning not to.

jenn

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/16/2007 8:09:08 AM   
Yedi


Posts: 842
Joined: 2/11/2006
Status: offline 		My personal opinion would be complete honesty but good luck finding that from many people. I find it amazing how many people do not have the candor and also those who just do not answer I would prefer personally a simple thank you but no thank you from a email myself than looking at a sent email and seeing it read and not replied to at least the first email.
There  is my opinion

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/16/2007 9:01:09 AM   
liminalRapture


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline 		My goal is actually to be as kind and gracious as possible.  I know what makes chemistry for me is really trivial and subjective and really not what affects other people (although I don't think what defines chemistry for anyone is anything more than luck--it is all trivial from body types to hair to accents), and so I wondered if saying "I'm just not attracted to men with strong non-native accents" would make it easier to think "OK--I didn't do anything wrong."

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/16/2007 12:31:52 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have to say that I agree with what has been said here.  While there can be times when it is best to be 100% honest, stopping contact with someone that you have just barely started with probably isn't one of the best.  And...if you are telling them that "I like you but I don't feel the connection I need to carry on any further", you are being honest even though the reason behind that feeling is not being given...because it is hurtful/shallow/is highly subjective.

I know that I HATE it when someone just disappears on me or worse...stops responding with nothing said.

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/17/2007 3:10:18 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Invictus754

quote:

ORIGINAL: erebus

To say a person is too old, too bald, too ugly etc. can be quite hurtful. 


I'm trying to figure out "too bald". 
Aint that kinda like "a little pregnant"?


LordFallcon had what i affectionately called a "thinking spot".  about the size of my palm towards the back of the crown of his head, the hair was very much thinned out there, and he had a habit of rubbing it as he thought.  absolutely adorable when he forgot he was holding a marker (he was a talented artist) and ended up with marker on his scalp...

Daddy shaves his head.  that might be considered "too bald" in comparison.

kitten, who doesnt care one way or t'other

(in reply to Invictus754)
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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/17/2007 3:13:19 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		as far as honesty in why i have decided not to keep pursuing things?

"i'm sorry, the physical distance is too great, 300+ miles wouldnt lend itself to enough physical contact for me"

"the chemistry wasnt right"  when pressed further, i did come right out and say "you look too much like my biological father, and i cannot get past that.  he abused me and i cannot get past that connection."

honesty blended with tact, for me.

kitten, who dreads confrontation, and definitely got it in the second instance...

(in reply to adoracat)
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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/17/2007 12:16:56 PM   
SrMichael


Posts: 10
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		A simple  "I'm just not feeling the chemestry" is kindest. You can even point out that it is not them, persay, but your own turn-on/turnoffs, and that you know others find the things that discouage you to be quite attractive.
SrMichael

(in reply to liminalRapture)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/24/2007 1:32:15 PM   
feralkyttin


Posts: 182
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		*smiles softly, still hiding in the shadows, since no one seems to notice or mind*

To no one in particular:

Thanks for being you.... Thanks for being here.  You know the routine, by now.  If not, go learn it.   LOL

respectfully,
       meesha

(in reply to SrMichael)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/24/2007 2:03:48 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: liminalRapture

So, would you rather be told why, or just wonder?  Or a white lie?  What is your preference?


Two subs that I met on CM disappear disappeared after I had phone conversations with them. The first very politely gave me the reason for her non-interest. The second just never called or wrote back. I prefer the former. (I suspect the second was just because she found someone else.)

Les (Illegitimate son of Steve Allen and Phyllis Diller)  

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to liminalRapture)
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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/24/2007 3:10:26 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Invictus754

quote:

ORIGINAL: erebus

To say a person is too old, too bald, too ugly etc. can be quite hurtful. 


I'm trying to figure out "too bald". 
Aint that kinda like "a little pregnant"?


Not really.  There's a big difference between thinning with a bald patch and a cue ball.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/24/2007 4:40:37 PM   
Aceton


Posts: 97
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

What LA and Celeste said.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people just poof - disappear without a word.  It's one of the rudest forms of rejection I can think of, conveying, in my opinion, either "You're not even worth my effort to say goodbye to" or "I don't know how to deal with others affectively so I'm just going to slink off and leave you hanging."

Neither message is very positive.  There's nothing wrong with saying something kind and moving on.  I'd rather leave good ripples than bad ones.


Agreed. Unfortunately the dissapearing method is apparently much more common than the nice one. I've been around the interwebs for several years and never had it happen until recently. To be honest, it was just plain odd, and left me doubting the mental stability of the person who did it.

Reasonable people aren't expecting everyone they chat with to be their soulmates, and most (including me) would rather chat in a purely friendly fashion rather than become involved in some online entanglement. It seems however, that there is a segment of this community that spends most of its time getting internet infatuations, pursuing people, then getting cold feet and dumping them.

I'd suggest that in the majority of cases there isn't even a reason to give to the person dumped, because it has nothing to do with them at all, rather it has to do with the emotional immaturity of the person doing the pursue & dump, and it's not like they're going to come out and say "sorry, I'm a bit of a 'tard', are they?

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/24/2007 4:54:40 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I let her down easy ...I simply tell her that she has had to many sex partners.

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/24/2007 9:27:09 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I let her down easy ...I simply tell her that she has had to many sex partners.


OUCH.

Cali

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/25/2007 10:56:07 AM   
Qithoras


Posts: 155
Joined: 4/28/2006
From: Adelaide, Australia
Status: offline 		Then don't call me, I've got a very unique accent.

To answer your question; Personally I prefer honesty above all else. Even if I don't want to hear it, I need to hear it.
But then again, my views are not shared by everyone.

I hope this helps to answer your question.


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Knowing others is intelligence.
Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength.
Mastering yourself is true power.

-Tao Te Ching

(in reply to liminalRapture)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/25/2007 11:17:07 AM   
auntiedee


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/27/2006
Status: offline 		I've found that 90% of the people who decide they aren't interested in me after all simply disappear; doesn't matter if it's been a strictly email relationship or if we've met for coffee or even had a few dates.  This used to bother me more than it does now; while I'd prefer to know, I usually give it a week or 10 days past the last anticipated contact, and then conclude I won't be hearing from them again for whatever reason.  Ultimately, the reason doesn't matter anyway, does it?  No sense getting upset about it.

I usually will let someone know I've decided not to continue, and generally put it down to not feeling a spark or something more specific if it's not a reason that someone might feel personally about.  The reason for the lack of spark doesn't need to be specified, either; if it ain't there, it ain't there.  However, being human I will admit to having done the disappearing thing myself, usually because I just got busy and at some point I realize I ought to have contacted them a while ago, and figure that since I haven't it would be pointless now just to let them know I'm not interested.  Now and then, it's because they've turned me off so much I just don't want to talk to them again for any reason.

Best ending I ever got was from someone who said "I'm going to decline to continue" and then explained his reasons; they were valid and left me feeling valued and respected, albeit disappointed that things wouldn't continue. 

Worst endings are the ones who respond to a polite "not interested" with name calling and insults. 

dia


(in reply to Qithoras)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/26/2007 11:54:04 AM   
ctrlaltdelete


Posts: 284
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		Are you more concerned about whether naming the true reason making your appear shallow (as in the examples of the accent preference)? Or are you actually concerned about the feelings of Dear John  Letter recipient?

For my personal preference, I will just reply with a Clint Eastwood quote "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining!". Ergo, just let me have it straight up and don't bother putting on the fuzzy slippers before kicking my ego in the danglies.

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The opinions expressed in my posts are strictly mine and do not seek to imply that my personal beliefs are representative of those of ANY other individual(s). Should these opinions hurt your little feelers, you are free and welcome to stop reading them.

(in reply to liminalRapture)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/27/2007 9:11:58 PM   
Baroque


Posts: 38
Status: offline 		A few people I have encountered would not accept a polite no thank you and explaination.

One person said I "went poof". Not exactly. I had told him that the 500 mile distance and his unwillingness to travel half way wouldn't work for me. I explained that I would not commit to someone I haven't met in real life.
There were differences in preference, interests as well. It took a few weeks online to discover, no fault,  just time proved
incompatibility of things learned in the past.  
He wouldn't accept any of these reasons as valid. He pushed and wrote many times a day, until I did ignore him. 
He was an interesting, bright, attractive person. I liked him a lot. I had offered friendship, but that wasn't enough.
He then went and complained  "why did he have such bad luck (again)."

When I had met someone new and promising and things progressed, I deactivated my profile. 
Why? There are people who argue that they are much better (who knows, maybe they are)
Watch out -  interference can poison the water, fool with your head. People get tricky.
 
Don't ever be a fool like me - 

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/28/2007 11:30:41 AM   
heartsemerge


Posts: 29
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline 		personally I would rather be told why. I don't always do that though. I have a tendency to disappear or to tell them and then disappear.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 40
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