RE: .neatlittleboxes.

RE: .neatlittleboxes. (Full Version)

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sexyred1 -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/14/2007 4:23:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Even eliminating the sexual aspect of BDSM.. my question is still, WHY is it necessary to share how you interact with your mate with anyone who is close to you in your life? Why does it become necessary to say to your mother, sister, friend, employer, ect, that you are submissive to your mate? Does it make you somehow better to think how open you can be about revealing personal details? I have people in my life that are close, inner circle sort, that know I am sub. And family, co-workers, ect who are in my life but I do not consider it their business to know how I may choose to interact with a man. Why should they know these things? Why would I want to know these things about their lifestyle? Frankly, I am not that nosy, and not that interested in shouting this from the rooftops. You know why? I am comfortable being me. I don't need anyones validation. I don't need to tell anyone who is simply in my life, about what I do because I don't care what they think about it. It has nothing to do with my not being my authentic self. I AM what I am. I am the same in and our of bdsm. It is only my reactions to some that cause an adjustment to the behave toward them. That certainly isn't going to happen with people who I love, but am not intimate with. Putting it on the nilla side for a bit.. I was shocked when my mother who is age 85, asked me what an orgasm was. I found out more about her sex life now that she is losing it abit then I ever wanted to know. I knew the way she acted toward my dad. That was obvious. Just as the way I act toward anyone I am engaging is obvious. I cater to my mate. There is nothing unusual about it. The thing is though, anyone I am in a DS relationship with is not the type to demand I kiss his feet in public. People I hang out with have no need to flaunt what we do to everyone. It is easy to be yourself when you are comfy. You just are. No need to flaunt things, just be. And it will always remain a puzzlement to me when people feel the need to be overly open, if I have no interest in knowing. THAT for me is distasteful. If they wanted to know they should just ask. If I want to know I will. I don't pick my nose in public either. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Hi red. Just replying to you as you are the last person(but not the only) who responded mentioning being open about their 'sexual practises'. I find that an interesting assumption, because not once did I mention about being open about sexual practises. I was speaking about BDSM in general - and that can include the Pro Dom or the male service-only slave or the submissive who lives with her transgendered switch husband. Really have to agree with the above; it does not matter if it sexual or behavioral or psychological, not necessary to discuss. Another point about not revealing my interests to those who know me or work with me: no one would believe it, since I am so assertive in my work life and daily demeanor. Since most people I know and certainly my family, just from the limited allusions I have made to the lifestyle, consider it all "whips, chains, abuse and doormats", then why would I even bother challenging that when they would only be upset that their beloved daughter or dear friend was admitting being into something that they, however limited and narrow minded their view is, consider so bad. If someone asks, and some friends have, I try to articulate the realities, but actually, if you have not experienced it yourself, it is very difficult for them to understand. And finally, the other big problem with this line of thinking is this: I was in a very bad relationship for the last few years that everyone knew about. No one in my family could understand "why I would stay with that guy". I could never explain the fact that we were so connected by BDSM. And my friends who did know about our relationship, blamed BDSM on him becoming abusive. So all in all, it is just not a doable approach, for me.

ThomasMore -> Boxing Helena? (11/14/2007 4:32:36 PM)
Little boxes on the hillside. Little boxes made of ticky-tacky. Little boxes, little boxes, little boxes, all the same. There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one, and they're all made out of ticky-tacky, and they all look just the same.

petdave -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/14/2007 6:44:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Even eliminating the sexual aspect of BDSM.. my question is still, WHY is it necessary to share how you interact with your mate with anyone who is close to you in your life? Why does it become necessary to say to your mother, sister, friend, employer, ect, that you are submissive to your mate? Does it make you somehow better to think how open you can be about revealing personal details? i would never argue that it's necessary to share every detail of your private interactions. However, there's another line there, which is, if you feel that the way you interact with your partner is right and natural for the two of you, why should you feel forced to act when you're around other people? Yes, there are taboos and public decency laws and all that trash that prohibit certain acts. Let's step away from the "being honest means talking about and/or demonstrating my oral service skills". What about having to refer to your partner by his or her first name when you're around other people, when to you, in your heart, they're Master or Mistress? That's not waving your schlong in somebody's face we're talking about, that's a very basic component of social interaction that has to be consciously modified, to "switch modes" between D/s life and vanilla life. And it's being done to prevent what harm to the vanillas, exactly? Perhaps this one is harder to relate to, since it's more of a Femdom/malesub thing- what if you need to get your wife's permission to go out with colleagues after work, and one of them laughs and asks if you also need permission to get your balls out of her purse? Do you respond with bravado and false jocularity? Do you make an excuse? Do you just say "yes"? Now you have a challenge between your home life and your professional/social life, surrounding the role you live. Are you submissive, or are you a "normal guy"? You break with taboo, or you lie. What to do? You lie. And you're supposed to feel good about this? That you're doing the right thing for society by betraying the nature of the life you lead? That you've just saved the world from depravity and embarassment, gold star for you? Sheeyit. If BDSM is only about what happens in the bedroom to you, then fine. One side of the door is "kink", one side is "vanilla", you can go on the "kink" side of the door and giggle about what all the sillies on the other side of the door are missing out on, and you don't have to bother them with it. But it's a different story when you're talking about the basic level on which you interact with your spouse. Now you're making a sacrifice to please them- family that values appearances more than you, total strangers who don't give a damn about anything but themselves, probably even some people that would rather be naked and leashed themselves. What is each side really gaining from this sacrifice?

MidnightMaiden -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/14/2007 8:05:53 PM)
quote: Now you have a challenge between your home life and your professional/social life, surrounding the role you live. Are you submissive, or are you a "normal guy"? You break with taboo, or you lie. What to do? You lie. And you're supposed to feel good about this? That you're doing the right thing for society by betraying the nature of the life you lead? That you've just saved the world from depravity and embarassment, gold star for you? Sheeyit. Master and I went into a store that he has business dealings with and he was speaking to the Manager. Manager didnt realize that I was with Master and asked if I wanted any help, I indicated to Master and said "No thank you I am with him". Master introduced me as his partner to which the Manager said "oh so you are the one that keeps him in line huh, makes sure he stays out of trouble". Master could have explained that no, I was his slave, that was why I was wearing a collar around my neck, and that he was very much the dominant in the relationship and that if he directed me to drop to my knees right there and there and lick his boots as proof of my obedience that I would. He didn't though, he just chuckled. Why? Firstly because he is totally secure in his role and he doesn't need external validation, he was secure enough that he didn't need to contradict what was obviously a comment made in humour, even though it was completely inaccurate. I mean lets face it man to man he probably would have received more from the exchange if he was honest, wouldn't he get more respect for having a slave, no wait two slaves? Second. Who cares? What supreme arrogance to assume that everyone wishes to be educated about the way we live our life. That's no worse than the vegan at the supermarket screaming at you when you stop to buy that leg of lamb "meat is murder" and then going on a diatribe about why you should not eat meat. (I was vegan for several years btw, never felt the need to advertise that either).

Sirsinini -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/14/2007 8:16:45 PM)
~fr~ I dont even like the term "lifestyle." Both "vanilla /lifestyle" fall into the same eternal box that doesnt allow for being dominant or submissive no matter who, what or even how every day is lived. Just live and all things come together.

Missokyst -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/14/2007 8:27:35 PM)
What would it be an act? I am the same in or out of bdsm. I don't put on a role. I do what I do. I cater to my mate because it is my nature to make things happen. I don't have to act differently. I just AM who I am. I don't have to prove I am submissive to anyone but the person to whom I submit. I don't have to demonstrate to anyone else that I am submissive because for me it doesn't matter what they think. AND the men I have been involved with are equally as secure about who they are, and have no need to make small or large demonstrations of dominance among strangers so that they feel power. Security is sometimes knowing who you are and not having to flaunt it. That for me is a sign of insecurity and a need to prove to yourself who you are. And I can definitely say in all my relationships that I have never wanted to call my mate master or mistress. They are Bob, or Steve, Or Gary, or Honeybear. Just as I am Andrea or Poohbear. We are not names or titles. We are people who happen to rule, or be ruled. I wouldn't choose someone who needed to have a title to feel valid Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: petdave i would never argue that it's necessary to share every detail of your private interactions. However, there's another line there, which is, if you feel that the way you interact with your partner is right and natural for the two of you, why should you feel forced to act when you're around other people? being honest means talking about and/or demonstrating my oral service skills". What about having to refer to your partner by his or her first name when you're around other people, when to you, in your heart, they're Master or Mistress?

petdave -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/14/2007 8:28:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightMaiden Second. Who cares? What supreme arrogance to assume that everyone wishes to be educated about the way we live our life. Educated? i'm no educator. i don't get paid for that shit. i'm just a guy who wants to live his life, without constantly having to play some dumbass game for somebody else's comfort. In your example, the third-party comment is inane conversational filler. In my example, it's meant to be perceived as a challenge, an insult. Different situations.

MidnightMaiden -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/14/2007 8:51:42 PM)
So in your scenario what's wrong with saying with a smile "Yeah I do, she's a real bitch, you have no idea". Is that a lie? Is that being untrue? No. Why assume they need more (or indeed want more) than that?

ownedgirlie -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 12:52:59 AM)
~ Fast Reply ~ This may echo a lot of what has been said here already, but here goes. I do tend to compartmentalize areas of my life, where I feel it is necessary. My mother just watched me get out of a 20 year abusive, bullying relationship, the same year she lost a brother, a sister and her husband. The last thing she needs right now is for me to tell her, "Oh yeah, and this Mr. Wonderful who I love so much? He smacks me around and he branded me and I don't do anything without his permission." She will be 74 next month. Why in the world would I give her something else to worry about right now? Mind you, I wouldn't put it to her quite that way, but with all her mental health issues, she would never understand my way of life. The funny thing is, while she constantly tells me, "Don't ever let a man boss you around" she is alway so happy when I tell her all of the great influences Mr. Wonderful has had on me. "Mom, Mr. Wonderful said I can't get in my car and drive alone on a two month trip across the country after all." Things like that. :) Similarly to another post, a large part of my slavery to my Master is sexual. Any time I think of him I'm hot. I am always craving him. I have craved him in the most unusual and "inappropriate" places. The people around me do not need to know this. Also an echo, last Christmas I was sitting next to my uncle, and I was telling him my ex was about to vindictively taint my name all over town, to family and friends, etc. (he knows of my slavery). My uncle said "I know you, because I know your heart. You are a good soul. And those people who truly know you, they also know your heart. Do you think we're really going to listen to anything someone has to say about you?" And that's the thing, really. Those people who know me know my heart and my character. If it were those things I were hiding, then yes, you could say I am living a lie. But to spare them the confusion and worry by not explaining that this "necklace" is a slave collar, and that I sleep at the foot of his bed or on the floor and kneel in his presence...well that's just loving them. Those who I feel can handle it, however, I tell. I have received mixed reactions, everywhere from "Oh honey, you are setting women back 100 years" to a dear friend tonight, who held my hands in hers and said, "This is fascinating. Tell me more! I love that you're so happy!" I guess the question is, are we really lying? Or are some people simply unable to allow "out there" information into their worlds? (i.e.; close or narrow minded, sheltered, set in their ways, etc.) Look at the debates we have within these forums, amongst people with "like minds." We can't even accept each other half the time, lol.

TNstepsout -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 5:46:16 AM)
I am who I am everwhere I go, but the people I meet don't need to know everything about me. Certainly it's a lie if it's witholding something important to the relationship, but the ONLY relationships I can think of in which it's important to know my sexual/sensual interests is a romantic one. I can't imagine why anyone else ever needs to know. So I don't tell them.

RCdc -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 7:28:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone BTW....Dark you totally know is was kidding about the "freaky people box".....right?.....[;)] Awwww... really? Actually, I kinda like the freaky people box... [:D] - but yes I did know you were kidding...[:)] love to you and yours... Peace the.dark.

breatheasone -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 7:43:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone BTW....Dark you totally know is was kidding about the "freaky people box".....right?.....[;)] Awwww... really? Actually, I kinda like the freaky people box... [:D] - but yes I did know you were kidding...[:)] love to you and yours... Peace the.dark. Oh sorry...I mean you fully belong in the freaky people box....I was just letting you know I said and meant it with jest and good humor....[;)]

MistressRouge -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 11:18:01 AM)
Gloria Gaynor - I Am What I Am I am what I am I am my own special creation So come take a look Give me the hook Or the ovation It's my world That I want to have a little pride My world And it's not a place I have to hide in Life's not worth a dam Till I can say I am what I am I am what I am I don't want praise I don't want pity I bang my own drum Some think it's noise I think it's pretty And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle Why not see things from a different angle Your life is a shame Till you can shout out I am what I am I am what I am And what I am needs no excuses I deal my own deck Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces It's one life and there's no return and no deposit One life so it's time to open up your closet Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out I am what I am I am what I am I am what I am And what I am needs no excuses I deal my own deck sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces It's one life and there's no return and no deposit One life so it's time to open up your closet Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out I am what I am I am I am I am good I am I am I am strong I am I am I am worthy I am I am I belong I am I am Who whoooo etc. I am I am I am I am useful I am I am I am true I am I am somebody I am as good as you Yes I am [;)]

RCdc -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 12:40:48 PM)
Dearest Kyra... Ach, I started to respond earlier, and lost my net connection ! Back now and thank you for the input. I love the idea/use of Venn Diagrams and it made huge sense to me. Love to all. the.dark.

RCdc -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 12:51:08 PM)
dave, Out of the postings, yours is the one that 'seems' to have got the point of the post and given great examples![:D] Some people seem to be latching onto the whole sexual/telling everyone about your sex life kinda jive. That wasn't the point and hey, that in a sense is kinda disappointing. It's like Rumpas stated, she is who she is whatever the situation. Breathesasone, is just who she is - and julie is the same whatever clothing she is dressed in. After seeing so many posts asking how you tell people, or how do you seperate your lives - it's good to see people stating that it just doesn't actually matter - when you just are who you are. Be there boxes, venn diagrams or just nothing at all. the.dark.

RCdc -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 12:53:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone BTW....Dark you totally know is was kidding about the "freaky people box".....right?.....[;)] Awwww... really? Actually, I kinda like the freaky people box... [:D] - but yes I did know you were kidding...[:)] love to you and yours... Peace the.dark. Oh sorry...I mean you fully belong in the freaky people box....I was just letting you know I said and meant it with jest and good humor....[;)] Proudly wears her fully freaky badge[:D][;)] the.dark.*

MidnightMaiden -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 1:15:17 PM)
quote: Out of the postings, yours is the one that 'seems' to have got the point of the post and given great examples! Oh I got the point, I just disagreed, that's entirely different to it flying over the top of my head and shoulders. [:)] And my point was you take the sex/sensuality out of BDSM and all you have is that nilla word you dislike, and whats the point of broadcasting that? In Dave's example about having to get his balls out of his wife's purse... that happens in a large majority of nilla marriages, where the woman is domineering (if not an actual Domme). Why should we feel special priveleges and feel the need to blurt out our circumstances, when thousands of nilla hubbies every day are pussy whipped and have to check with the Mrs before they can do anything. Again take out the kink and all thats left is nilla.

RCdc -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 1:24:22 PM)
MM we just don't agree on the fact that without sex and sexuality that BDSM is 'vanilla', just as adding a bit of kink to a marriage doesn't make it BDSM. That I don't agree with - and there are plenty of service slaves or people who participate in bondage without sexual stimulation for examples that would also disagree. It's not about special privilages, it's about being who you are regardless of where you are. the.dark.

MidnightMaiden -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 1:37:50 PM)
My argument is that whether climax ensues or not, because of the sensual nature of bdsm, because of the sensual nature of human beings, that it all comes back to sense and sexuality. Chastity boys are still getting off sexually, just in their head. If you put kinky sex into most 50's marriages you would have had a TPE relationship. I am me, where ever I go, what ever I do. I am just happy enough that I don't feel the need to explain myself to the world at large.

RCdc -> RE: .neatlittleboxes. (11/15/2007 3:29:33 PM)
Yes, there are those who 'get off' in their own head. But BDSM isn't all sensual. It isn't all sexual. For you, maybe, but 'you' doesn't cover the entire spectrum of people and interests. Saying that all BDSM activites are only or always involving the sensual and sexual is both an understatement and a myth. We aren't talking fetish - well the OP wasn't, it was much broader. Like I said - I am open and exactly who I am wherever I am. I don't dress differently, I don't address Darcy any differently depending on where I am unless he decides it. If I don't discuss my sexual antics, it's not because it's BDSM related, it's because its sex. No different than talking about my spiritual belief. But that is me and it fits my life. You keep repeating, as have a few others, that it's no ones business what you do and you don't have to share because you don't want to and it's no one elses business. Great! You have found your ground and you have planted and building upon it. But, that wasn't what the OP is about, nor the little 'box' of people whom that includes. That doesn't make your point invalid nor is that meant to exclude your 'box' of people... but does it mean anything to those people who keep asking over and over how they are suppose to meld what they perceive to be their 'different lives'? I'd like to think it does. Who knows? Consent! Communication! Truth! Honesty! Foundations (allegedly) of BDSM. But in reality, as mythical as the number 42.[;)] the.dark.

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