Could my fetish be ruining it?

Could my fetish be ruining it? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Feydra -> Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 2:53:38 PM)
I have a weird, fantasy fetish. What I have written in my profile doesn't actually even begin to cover it... And I think that it's going to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. He is a very sexually driven person, he asks for sex at least once a day. And recently he's even had a serious talk with me about the lack of us doing it more than once a day. I always feel bad when I turn him down, because a lot of the time... I'm just not in the mood. And it's not that I don't enjoy the sex with him, he's a wonderful lover... but I can't orgasm. I have never had an orgasm with any man... ever. I know this is devulging a lot of my personal life, but I've been worrying about it A LOT, and have waited for a long time to ask some advice on this issue. Since I was REALLY young, I would masturbate... I'd do it this weird way by sitting on my heels and pushing my heel against my vagina, moving back and forth like that. I'd have orgasms long before I even knew what that was. And to add to this, I had a friend throughout most of my childhood who I would play "doctor" with. You all know the game... But instead of a check-up, the subject of all of our pretend visits was that I was a woman in labor, and she would pull a baby doll or stuffed animal out from under my shirt. Now that I'm all grown up, and have the internet, I've found other people who have a fetish for pregnant women, and even people who have fetishes for things like egg laying and even childbirth. Where most girls in sex ed would be discusted and scared watching that horror video of a woman giving birth, I would get incredibly aroused. My problem is... I'm not finding sex that sexy anymore. I never fantasize about getting fucked, I fantasize about having a baby... I'm not saying that I don't enjoy having sex with him, it does feel good and it's a really specail time with him. I really like pleasing him too... But, when I masturbate (and I still masturbate that way with my foot... because I can't orgasm any other way), I do it to shows of women giving birth, not to porn. I don't know what to do. I've told him I find pregnant women attractive, and he knows a little bit about me liking anime porn of girls laying eggs... But I don't think he knows how... well, obsessed I am with the fetish. I don't want this to ruin our relationship. I couldn't tell him I've NEVER orgasmed with him, we've been together for a long time... I fake it to make him happy. How would you feel if you could never make your girl cum? I don't know what to do. As you can see... I've got a weird, horrible problem, and I really need help.

FRSguy -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 3:03:43 PM)
Find out what it is exactly that turns you on… is it the pregnancy thing or a woman that is really stretched out to the max. Once you nail down exactly what it is then you can use similar type things to create new associations like switching to fisting. Then moving from fisting to something else…. Anyways the problem is defiantly solvable but not in any easy way. You might want to check out a kink friendly therapist that might be able to help you out.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 3:07:16 PM)
Feydra, I understand why you are so upset by this, but this is a fabulous place to ask for advice. Before I reply to your post, I was hoping you'd answer a couple of questions for me.. 1. I see you are 18 years old. How old is your boyfriend and how long have you been together? 2.Have you ever been fisted?

Feydra -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 3:08:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FRSguy Find out what it is exactly that turns you on… is it the pregnancy thing or a woman that is really stretched out to the max. Once you nail down exactly what it is then you can use similar type things to create new associations like switching to fisting. Then moving from fisting to something else…. Anyways the problem is defiantly solvable but not in any easy way. You might want to check out a kink friendly therapist that might be able to help you out. Thank you for replying. I've thought about that. But... The definition of a fetish is, something nonsexual that is absoutely needed for a person to orgasm, or to enjoy anything sexual. It's not a kink for something like being stretched... I really do have a fetish for pregnancy and birth. I like every part of it, the large belly, the stretching, and straining and pushing. It's not one of them seperately that I like, but the whole together. I've thought about going to a therapist... but I don't think there's any way I could tell all of this to anybody but you, Internet. Also, they would ask about my partner, and that could get him into trouble because even though I am of age, he is much older than me.

Feydra -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 3:13:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch Feydra, I understand why you are so upset by this, but this is a fabulous place to ask for advice. Before I reply to your post, I was hoping you'd answer a couple of questions for me.. 1. I see you are 18 years old. How old is your boyfriend and how long have you been together? 2.Have you ever been fisted? He is older than me, to the point where it would be "wrong" for us to be together, to most people. And he's uncomfortable about that. And, no I haven't. I don't really know if it's something I would like, because I'm very afraid of stretching myself out (even more than I already have).

FRSguy -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 3:42:56 PM)
Even if it is a fetish you should still be able to break it although like I said it would take a lot of work. You have to create new associasion in order to break it which means being forced to orgasm in a manner other than what you are allready doing in other words you have to break the definition of a fetish... (that is if you want to get rid of it so to speak). You know like a .... for the next three months only orgasm if its in a manner different than what you are doing now and without fantasy... pretty tall order.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 3:44:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Feydra quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch Feydra, I understand why you are so upset by this, but this is a fabulous place to ask for advice. Before I reply to your post, I was hoping you'd answer a couple of questions for me.. 1. I see you are 18 years old. How old is your boyfriend and how long have you been together? 2.Have you ever been fisted? He is older than me, to the point where it would be "wrong" for us to be together, to most people. And he's uncomfortable about that. That doesn't really answer my question because to me, if two people love each other and are consenting adults, there is no "older to the point where it would be wrong" quote: And, no I haven't. I don't really know if it's something I would like, because I'm very afraid of stretching myself out (even more than I already have). Well, you haven't been pregnant or given birth yet either though, yet you are convinced that those are two things you would really like, yes? Having giving birth twice, I can vouch that babies are much larger than fists.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 3:58:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FRSguy Even if it is a fetish you should still be able to break it although like I said it would take a lot of work. You have to create new associasion in order to break it which means being forced to orgasm in a manner other than what you are allready doing in other words you have to break the definition of a fetish... (that is if you want to get rid of it so to speak). You know like a .... for the next three months only orgasm if its in a manner different than what you are doing now and without fantasy... pretty tall order. Pretty tall order is right. If she could orgasm another way, I don't think she would be in such a dilemma. Although, I must say, a super high powered vibrator does wonders. You know Feydra, many people on this site, myself included, have been plagued for years by thoughts of, "What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be a horrible, awful person! I mean, who else would fantasize about the sick, twisted, horrible, nasty things that I fantasize about?" What a relief to find out (at least for me anyway) that there are thousands and thousands and thousands of people who even dream up sicker shit than I do!! YAY! Many of us have also found out the hard way that things that turn us on in our minds, don't necessarily translate well into real life fantasies. Furthermore, sometimes when you try and translate them into real life fantasies you fuck it up for yourself because then you might find you can't orgasm to them while masterbating anymore either!! I can't tell you how many guys thought they rocked my world when I was your age. HA! To this day, only two men in my life have ever made me cum. This is because of honesty on my part, and tremendous perserverence and patience on theirs. I would suggest making the attempt at orgasming a different way by yourself first.. It may take a looong time, days or weeks to do it, but you can retrain yourself. Until I was in my 20's, I could only masterbate while on my stomach. It took months to get myself to cum while on my back, but I did it.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 6:36:37 PM)
aloha feydra, bossyshoebitch makes a great point, you can retrain yourself to orgasm any way you want. i have. many have. the other thing i really want to point out is that anything you think about, ie; put your energy into, grows....careeer, relationship, collections.fettishes... become mindful of your thoughts, they are very powerful, they are creating your experiance, to have a differnt experiance you need to create differnt thoughts. this begins with education: this is very differnt from obsessing. i would consider books that help retrain your brain like "the one minute millionare, the power of positive thinking, and think and grow rich. now these books are very life changing books even for folks not focused on money, they teach you how to think, and how to create with yourthoughts, i was very poor not too long ago and i will be hitting the 1 million dollar mark in the next year : thoughts create actions, actions create results.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 7:28:11 PM)
It seems like you guys have a lot of discomfort levels going on at once. If it was JUST the orgasm thing, that's not so bad. But it seems there's a lot of other things and that simply exacerbates not only the lack of current sexual compatibility but also solving the orgasm issue. So- work on the layers of security one at a time. If this really will be long term, then you've got the time to make it work. As you gain security in some levels, not only will that give you practice for the others, but also make you more confident and trusting to open and explore new avenues together.

Feydra -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 7:37:04 PM)
Thank you for the reliplys. :) I really would like to retrain myself. And believe me, I've tried... Is there anything you can reccomend that would help in my case, maybe? And... try to change the way I think by reading books...?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 7:54:23 PM)
I really hope you don't take this as condescending because it's given with sincerity and respect- but given your obvious openness and precociousness, I think time and gaining security as a woman will do everything you need it to do if you just keep at it and keep to your sense of self. Give yourself time to become who you will be.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 8:47:54 PM)
how have you tried....i do have some ideas...ill tell you them after you tell me what things you tried have you tried a powerful clitteral only vibrator (hitachi wand=not insertable)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 8:55:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress how have you tried....i do have some ideas...ill tell you them after you tell me what things you tried have you tried a powerful clitteral only vibrator (hitachi wand=not insertable) Due to my own history, I didn't even go down this road. I had never had an orgasm at 18 and the worst thing that happened when I told people that is they suddenly pulled out every trick and toy they could think of to ask if I'd tried it and promised it would bring me joy. Not only did they fail (though it was a good and quick education), but it became very frustrating when all these nice people kept giving me ideas which had nothing to do with the real problem and I knew would not actually help me, but I had to smile and accept their well intentioned advice and then go crying into the night frustrated once again. Female orgasms are rarely ever actually about the physical stimulus being used- I'm not saying not to try them, simply that when someone does have a consistent lack of them, a lack of sybian or hitachi or pocket rocket isn't the real issue.

juliaoceania -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 8:56:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Feydra Thank you for the reliplys. :) I really would like to retrain myself. And believe me, I've tried... Is there anything you can reccomend that would help in my case, maybe? And... try to change the way I think by reading books...? When I am with someone I train myself to orgasm based upon the things they tell me turn them on.. even if these things initially did nothing for me, I would retrain my thoughts right before orgasm to think about that "thing" right at that moment. It also has worked to train me not to think of that person anymore if they left my life... right at the point of orgasm I would think of something else... I do not know if that would work with a fetish or not...

crouchingtigress -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 9:35:47 PM)
aloha LA, you make a great point thank you for that, i would not want to get anyones hopes up, i have had that same experiance of thinking it would never happen, that something is wrong with me, and it is dreadful when good well meaning advice only makes things worse. i am a firm believer in the amazingness of the human body, i have seen folks win death battles with cancer, heard storys of folks born with out ears getting 100 percent of thier hearing through force of will....and damn...look at this guy if that guy does not put all our percieved limitaions to shame i dont know what will you know me, the eternal optimist i am one who thinks this thing can be overcome, first try physical causes then mental man do i have some great books for her to read too...

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 10:37:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress how have you tried....i do have some ideas...ill tell you them after you tell me what things you tried have you tried a powerful clitteral only vibrator (hitachi wand=not insertable) Due to my own history, I didn't even go down this road. I had never had an orgasm at 18 and the worst thing that happened when I told people that is they suddenly pulled out every trick and toy they could think of to ask if I'd tried it and promised it would bring me joy. Not only did they fail (though it was a good and quick education), but it became very frustrating when all these nice people kept giving me ideas which had nothing to do with the real problem and I knew would not actually help me, but I had to smile and accept their well intentioned advice and then go crying into the night frustrated once again. Female orgasms are rarely ever actually about the physical stimulus being used- I'm not saying not to try them, simply that when someone does have a consistent lack of them, a lack of sybian or hitachi or pocket rocket isn't the real issue. You never had a single orgasm until you were 18 LA?? I'd love to hear the story of how you overcame that little obstacle..

Feydra -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 10:39:47 PM)
Well, I tried masturbating tonight the regular way. I couldn't even get close... Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. So I went back to masturbating on my heel like that, but I'd stop and try to make myself cum with my fingers when I got close. I couldn't even do that. I eventually just let myself cum... and started crying right after.

laurell3 -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/14/2007 11:34:12 PM)
If you are of legal age, a therapist won't make you tell them who your boyfriend is and while many may think a wide gap in ages is not the best idea, if it's legal, who cares what they think? If it's bothering you that much find a therapist to talk to about it. The internet can be a start to get you being able to talk about it, but there's not alot of advice people that don't know you can give you that would be valid.

velvetpetal -> RE: Could my fetish be ruining it? (11/15/2007 12:02:55 AM)
i am sitting here thinking that its not so much a fetish problem... but a sexual CONDITIONING problem... Males and females can both become sexually conditioned..For females...it simply is usually caused from "doing what works" You say that you have been heel grinding..to orgasm...for a long time....Seems to me..it was probably discovered..on accident..at some point..correct? One day you were sitting there ..and for some reason, began grinding..it felt a lil good...so ya kept at it..till..WHAM? Well doing that...to bring yourself to orgasm..over and over..soon enough..it became a conditioned sexual responce. You didnt take the opportunity at that early stage..to experiment to see if other things would work as well. THUS.."doing what works" After enough of the "doing what works" goes on, your body begins to "believe" that it is the only way to attain the pleasure...partly from desenitizing...and partly again from the conditioning. Desensitizing means that your body has grown accoustomed and used to the method of masturbation..for you..a heel rocking motion..in others..fingers and palms..ect....and makes it feel nearly impossible to gain pleasure from ANY OTHER method. For you...the heel rocking motion is likely a rather rough method of masturbation..so that lighter methods..such as a fingertip ... rubbing..feels..well..basically like nothing. Same goes for those people whom are the opposite...who are desensitized to only the flutter of a fingertip..ANYTHING rougher..hurts. Retraining ones body from this is rather hard to do..it means letting your body have a break...for as long as it takes...so that it "forgets" the desensitizing habit. reason its hard..is because..you are already experiencing orgasms...giving them up..for a time period can be very frustrating.. Once your body has forgotten..the best possible thing to do.is to restart out slow..find ways to get you turned on..mentally....first...(reading erotica can work for that) participating in tons of foreplay with your partner..anything that makes you feel on the very URGE of cumming...before you ever begin to try re teaching your body to orgasm. Once you are ready to reteach the physical aspect...i highly reccomend that while still moving slow..you use a huge variety of possible methods...starting with several gentle methods...and then later moving onto more vigerous methods...this will teach your body that pleasure can be achieved through more then just one method (which was the original problem..and thus something to avoid reteaching) i also reccomend that ya avoid any of the harsher methods of orgasm...they all to easily lead (or relead) into desensetizing..so..avoid things like heel grinding, masturbating with vibrators..ect.. ( i mean really...what male penis.. tongue..fingertip..ect..can compete with the buzz of a vibe..?) If you cant/wont take the needed break from orgasm.that is needed for retraining...other methods are also possible..and most simply only demand a stubborn mind...being willing to take a whole day..if necessary...to lay in bed..and explore your own sexuality...masturbating..with fingertips..until SOMETHING happens...and..it can and will..if you set your mind to it. You need to open your mind..to the idea...that orgasm..is something that can be experienced as a result of many types of pleasure...and experimentation..thats the fun part..getting to know your own body...! And hun..there is never a reason you should feel the need to cry after failing at achieving orgasm in one method..and resorting back to your own...its what has been taught to your body..it cant unlearn those lessons in one session. Personally...i think there are a majority of women out there...that have never experienced a single orgasm ever..for many many reasons...so..you might think on that..the next time you feel frustrated enough to cry...

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875