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Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 10:54:02 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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This is a thought that has been running around in my head for a while and I would like to just toss it out there and see what happens.
I'm a dominant guy. I’ve owned women for over two decades now. I have talked to many submissive/slave women over the years. I've been on CM in some form or another for five years. I also interact within my local BDSM community when time allows. So I've been around the block a few times.

We all hear how tough it can be for men to find a submissive on this site, the numbers are against you, fake profiles, game players yadda yadda yadda. Now I can think of about 50 trillion reasons that this is the case but that’s not what’s on my mind.
Instead I want to flip it.

One of the recurring comments I hear from women, both here and in real life is how tough it is to find a real good dominant. That is one who is not insane, just out to get some kinky sex, experienced, truly dominant and not just playing dom guy, the gamut of the usual things. The consistent theme is that the good men get snatched up quickly leaving the dregs out there for the taking. More than one has suggested that its tougher for a woman to find a good dominant than it is for a man to find a good submissive/slave. So this is my question, is this true? Do you think it’s tougher for a slave/submissive to find a worthy master than it is for a Master to find a good slave?

Post #: 1

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 11:25:33 AM

southernhart

Posts: 120
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

It's only my opinion, but when You have a true heart and a true desire to please and or to Master. It makes life easier. i'll explain.

There are so many fakes, wanna be's, marrieds, and people who just want to play on line. They don't start out getting to know each other in a vanilla way. They just jump right in and play. They don't develop anything. They don't bother to read the entire profile or they contact everyone hoping that someone will answer. Or they pick people who are not into the same kink as they are. It goes both ways. If people would slow down and not be so desperate and so eager to find someone then they have a better chance of finding someone who is right for them. My Owner started my training over two months ago and we still haven't even scrathed the surface of what he is capable of. Why? Because he is my first and only Master and he knows what He is doing and wants to take his time and make sure that i am trained properly. He loves me and knows what is best for me and when to move on to the next level. i got to know him as a man first and then a Master. i am in love with both of rhem and we will be together for the rest of our lives. All becasue we took our time.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 2

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 11:29:25 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

So this is my question, is this true? Do you think it’s tougher for a slave/submissive to find a worthy master than it is for a Master to find a good slave?

No, I don't think it's any easier or any harder. People will put whatever energy they want to put into a search; if they end up with a good man/woman, it's because they put the energy and time into finding one.

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(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 3

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 12:12:29 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
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It's hard for anybody to find anybody worthwhile in this world of ours, I find. I would say it's harder for a slave to find a good master, but that's just based on how I percieve the numbers.

Of course, if you take all the fakes and players out of the deal... It's probably a lot closer to a 50/50 ratio. :-p

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 4

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 12:19:23 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

Of course, if you take all the fakes and players out of the deal... It's probably a lot closer to a 50/50 ratio. :-p

ahh, but see... what constitutes a fake or a player is subjective. You may see someone as such; but another will not see the same.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Shawn1066)

Post #: 5

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 1:25:07 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

So this is my question, is this true? Do you think it’s tougher for a slave/submissive to find a worthy master than it is for a Master to find a good slave?

No, I don't think it's any easier or any harder. People will put whatever energy they want to put into a search; if they end up with a good man/woman, it's because they put the energy and time into finding one.

I agree with both of her posts.

This life/site is just a slice of life all people go through. It is tough PERIOD for a person to find that special someone. It is unfortunate but part of the problem feed upon its own self. People want to feel special and what they are into special. Too many times people in this life make their hardships are harder or worse then others but the simple fact is those who come here or anywhere else to find a person whether in this life or any other situation will have hurdles and hardships to endure.

The thing is what makes two people click is so complex and often on sites like this too many want to break it down to just a few factors and that just does not work. My personal experience is that people willing to put in the effort and keep an open mind and heart while still living in reality land usually find someone in time. The jaded and lazy often bitter and looking for shortcuts and dumping their past problems on others and the utopia dreamers are often the ones always looking. All these people are from both genders and roles, the specific hurdles are the only difference.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 6

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 1:32:05 PM

mya75

Posts: 300
Joined: 10/14/2007
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I dont think its harder on either end of the spectrum....

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(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 7

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 1:32:13 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

It is tough PERIOD for a person to find that special someone.

I agree. I don't see it as a lifestyle thing, it's a life thing.
Find someone appealing, interesting, and inspiring (yeah, I like to be inspired), then hope for some compatibility. I really think that luck also has a lot to do with it.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 8

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 2:05:51 PM

MasterofScyn

Posts: 141
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

There are trust issues on both sides. It takes a ton of work to gain the trust of people. Specially in this day and age. Without trust things will never work out. That's the reason why it's so hard to find the right sub, or right Dom. Because it's so hard to trust.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 9

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 2:24:58 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterofScyn

There are trust issues on both sides. It takes a ton of work to gain the trust of people. Specially in this day and age. Without trust things will never work out. That's the reason why it's so hard to find the right sub, or right Dom. Because it's so hard to trust.

Trusting someone should not be exclusive to only the relationships of D/s or M/s.

It should include ALL relationships.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

Post #: 10

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 3:57:09 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

It's hard for anybody to find anybody worthwhile in this world of ours, I find. I would say it's harder for a slave to find a good master, but that's just based on how I percieve the numbers.

Of course, if you take all the fakes and players out of the deal... It's probably a lot closer to a 50/50 ratio. :-p

I agree to an extent. It's difficult to determine what the actual numbers are as there are quite a few out there that clearly aren't really interested in any sort of d/s relationship and merely seeking easy sex. I don't think of them as "fake" they are very real, just not real in the sense that we have much in common.

Whether it's more difficult or not I believe is a personal answer.

People are seeking different types of relationships, people are more or less strict in their standards. It's actually harder for me after having had years of experience as I have a good measuring stick of what I won't accept and I think with age comes more of an independent mindset (for me at least), I don't need it right this second, I'm content to wait until I really find what I want, that wasn't as true when I was new and/or younger.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Shawn1066)

Post #: 11

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 4:00:19 PM

MasterofScyn

Posts: 141
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Never said it was exclusive to just this type of relationship. It's just a general thing that happens and is what makes finding a partner hard.

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterofScyn

There are trust issues on both sides. It takes a ton of work to gain the trust of people. Specially in this day and age. Without trust things will never work out. That's the reason why it's so hard to find the right sub, or right Dom. Because it's so hard to trust.

Trusting someone should not be exclusive to only the relationships of D/s or M/s.

It should include ALL relationships.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 12

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 4:43:14 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

Judging by the number of male Dominants who have multiple female submissives, compared to the number of female submissives who have multiple Dominants, i'm going to say that it must indeed be harder for a female sub to find a Dominant than vice-versa.

But neither one of y'all better complain when there are hetero male submissives in earshot

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

Post #: 13

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 5:07:30 PM

Lumus

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o/` It's not easy...being green... o/`

~ Kermit de Frog

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I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 14

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 5:23:54 PM

TotalState

Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

Quick reply:

According to all statistics I have read, submissives outnumber dominants in the scene, and men outnumber women. The largest group is submissive men, and the smallest is dominant women. Sources; off the top of my head: Screw The Roses, Give Me The Thorns. I remember seeing this elsewere as well, but I'd have to look it up.

_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to Lumus)

Post #: 15

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 5:43:41 PM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TotalState

Quick reply:

According to all statistics I have read, submissives outnumber dominants in the scene, and men outnumber women. The largest group is submissive men, and the smallest is dominant women. Sources; off the top of my head: Screw The Roses, Give Me The Thorns. I remember seeing this elsewere as well, but I'd have to look it up.

Hmmmm... I have heard this before also... can't remember where. However, if it's true, why are there so many Dominant Women looking for submissive men? I have my theory, but I'm interested in hearing what others say.

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Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

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(in reply to TotalState)

Post #: 16

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 5:56:17 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I found my Daddy the first night I listed my profile on alt... it just happened that way, I do not know how "hard" it was. I talked to many doms for about 4 months while I was concurrently talking to him, but he emailed me the first night, and it was a good email that showed he had actually read my profile

Since this is the only time I actually sought a dominant, I do not know how hard it is to find one. I think that it is a compatibility and human issue more than a "dom" issue. I do not know what makes people "dominant" in the eyes of everyone else, I only know what makes a person a dominant to me. I would rather dispense with the labels if I was looking again.... and I could be happy with anyone that was compatible with me... I do not need to attach the word "dom" to that. I am extremely compatible with the person I am with now.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 17

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 7:32:31 PM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

I think a lot of my earlier troubles were me looking in the wrong places, ie. here. I also live in a pretty sceneless town which contributed in my inability to find a Dominant guy.

For me, it wasn't finding Dominants that was the problem, it was finding the right Dom. Pleanty of them had the skills and experience, but none of them had that little something that make us really click. I did find a Dominant though, eventually. It took years of careful search though. Both of us are not really into sceneing quite yet and we're taking things slow in the physical department. But where the D/s mentality is concerned, he knows he owns me and I know I belong to him.

I don't think the numbers have any real benefit. I think that finding the right person for you in a vanilla or a BDSM relationship is a long arduous task filled with defeat and mistakes. I don't think being a Dom or sub has any effect on the difficulty of finding a parnter. If a Dom and a sub find each other, chances are both of them have been spending a long time looking for just the right thing. Lucky me, I am head over heels in love with my boy, and I have no doubt that if you hold out for what you want it might just eventually fall into your lap.

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 7:39:43 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Equally hard on both sides and for the same reason. Most people don't know what they need. We've all known people who claim to want a loving partner yet choose over and over an emotionally distant person. Claim to want a good career, yet won't do the steps necessary to get there.

You can't find the right dominant/submissive for you if you don't know what right for you is.

The Man is right for me, but not for a lot of other women. He's a bondage top, not a sadist. He is laid back, not micromanaging. Into emotional transparency, not service. For me, that's pure gold. But for someone who equates constantly barked orders as dominance, his laid back, polite style wouldn't work.

But I find most people here, dom or sub don't have a clear vision of what they need in a partner. They don't know what they have to have and what they can't tolerate nor do they have the ability to find out ahead whether or not a person they talk with is compatible with them.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 8:25:29 PM

slaveelle

Posts: 116
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline

I went through a few frogs before i met the Beast. Whats the old saying...You gotta kiss a few frogs.....
I beleive its just as hard for submissive women to find the right Dominant as it is vice versa. Its like any relationship D/s M/s or otherwise.
I agree with IrishMist in saying it depends on the amount of energy you are willing to put in to finding the right one.

_____________________________

"No bond is stronger than that of the Beast"

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 20

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