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Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:12:40 AM

NLitendLady

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Would you tell others if you were with an abusive self proclaimed dominant? Would you give their name to others? Would you warn others? Would you seek legal recourse or merely rid yourself of him? What would you do? I do not mean merely sadistic in the bdsm sense but truly abusive in all forms. As we all know there is a difference between consensual play and abuse. Just want some input.

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Post #: 1

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:17:19 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Would you tell others if you were with an abusive self proclaimed dominant? Would you give their name to others?

I would not go around telling everyone that listened about my problems with a dominant... especially over the internet. If you are speaking of warning other people over the internet in order to blacklist someone, I do not respect that much personally. If you are talking about telling other submissives you may know in the real world about your personal experiences, and they are friends of yours that might be harmed by this individual, yes I would say something to a friend.

quote:

Would you seek legal recourse or merely rid yourself of him?

I sought legal help to rid me of my ex husband, yes I would seek legal help to rid myself of any abusive person if I felt it necessary.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/16/2007 11:18:12 AM >

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Post #: 2

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:18:06 AM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
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Abuse ... call the police, seek counselling

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Post #: 3

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:18:14 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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Not sure how to answer your question; I would need more information. Do you mean tell your friends, family or do you mean tell people in the community? On a site like this?

If someone truly has abused you in an unconsensual manner, it is up to you to decide to seek legal recourse, again, not sure what is going on here.

(in reply to NLitendLady)

Post #: 4

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:20:34 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

amazing how the subbie slave phone tree works .,at least here it does , if there is a boasting Top who is hurting people well in short order they have no play partners any more .That is the benifit in being envolved in your community .

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 5

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:24:55 AM

gorgeous1

Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
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Hell yes, I would get out of that relationship, I'd warn others, and I'd get the authorities involved it needed.

Your question gets me thinking though about how if one needed to take legal action, would it be difficult convincing the authorities that the guy back-handed you out of anger and you felt violated or were injured by it, but that last night, he'd slapped your cheek during a session, and that was OK?

(in reply to NLitendLady)

Post #: 6

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:33:51 AM

Kaiynasha

Posts: 172
Joined: 10/9/2007
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NLitendLady, first thing is first this person should focus on getting themselves out of the situation and then deal with telling others later. The most important element here is the person's safety. The choice is up the person whether they leave or stay here are some options:

So the person should first if they can call a hotline number for support: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can help provide referrals including legal help for this person.

Second, if the person is unable to call a hotline, this person should try to make contact with someone in the lifestyle they trust for help. Tell another Dom/Domme who can help get the sub out. If the sub is working tell someone there. But most importantly tell someone who will listen, not judge, and help you with resources.

Third, the sub may also wish to call the police or go to the court and get a TRO (temporary restraining order) or RO (restraining order) this will get the Dom out of the house. This is not very hard to do.

Fourth, the sub may consider counseling once out of the situation to work on self-esteem and dealing with the abusive relationship.

Some books to read: Why Does He Do That? (Very helpful) and Ditch That Jerk (Excellent)

Once the sub is out...the sub can then begin telling others. It may be a good idea to tell another potential sub to watch out. But first the sub needs to focus on their safety.

Be safe and please call the hotline number.

< Message edited by Kaiynasha -- 11/16/2007 11:41:59 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:37:31 AM

enchainee

Posts: 15
Status: offline

Internet gossip - blacklists of any sort are harmful to the community as a whole.
I am against that sort of unaccountable action.

< Message edited by enchainee -- 11/16/2007 12:24:08 PM >

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Post #: 8

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:42:57 AM

mefisto69

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline

the 'old world' methods work well. you get several really big men to catch him off guard. they brown bag his head and very carefully beat him to within an inch of his life. he gets tied to a post in the town square with a note pinned to his chest detailing his crimes. can you be dispassionate enough to engage in this?

(in reply to enchainee)

Post #: 9

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:44:03 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Blacklisting never works.
If you are being abused, then find a local support group/shelter/chariety that can assist you and leave, alerting the authorities. If someone else is being abused, there is nothing you can do until that person makes the choice to leave for themselves, in which case let them know you will be there to assist them and be their friend.

the.dark.

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Post #: 10

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:53:26 AM

NLitendLady

Posts: 117
Joined: 7/7/2005
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ok to clarify I am not at this time asking about myself. I was in a relationship like this once but some time ago. I posted to get opinions and in hopes that someone might see what others would do.

I worked for the domestic violence coalition for some time and saw horrific abuse. Thank you to the ones who posted numbers and recomended seeking professional help.

Blacklisting often does not work as many times it comes off as a vindictive ex. The legal recourse should be easy to prove as many in this lifestyle do participate in activities that leave marks, which is truly sad for falsely accused Doms when it was in reality consensual.

For those who have local Ds communities you can go to them. What about remote areas who have no Ds community? What do you suggest then? Some are truly isolated.

I do know of some Ds communities that participate in "rescues." I applaud them.

I wanted to see the consensus here on what could or should be done. I do know some subs/slaves who have been mentally and emotionally destroyed by severe abuse under the guise of Ds. They will never be completely ok again.

A question to add to this mix: what would you do if you saw that a sub is suffering abuse not consensual Ds or bdsm?

_____________________________

Life is short, so forgive quickly. Believe slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. Never regret anything that makes you happy.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 11

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 11:54:04 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

In such a situation I would be much too concerned with my own safety to think about who he might see in the future. Lawyer, therapy and so on.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 12

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 12:02:26 PM

NLitendLady

Posts: 117
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mefisto69

the 'old world' methods work well. you get several really big men to catch him off guard. they brown bag his head and very carefully beat him to within an inch of his life. he gets tied to a post in the town square with a note pinned to his chest detailing his crimes. can you be dispassionate enough to engage in this?

you know I like this method lol
I used a slightly different method when I got to that dispassionate point, which does come after time.

I always drew up his insulin since he was diabetic. One day I told him in front of our counselor that I had figured out an untraceable way to kill him.

The abuse stopped that day.

_____________________________

Life is short, so forgive quickly. Believe slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. Never regret anything that makes you happy.

(in reply to mefisto69)

Post #: 13

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 12:04:00 PM

NLitendLady

Posts: 117
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline

One more addition here. If you tell your local community, how would you convince them you are not merely a vindictive/scorned sub?

_____________________________

Life is short, so forgive quickly. Believe slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. Never regret anything that makes you happy.

(in reply to NLitendLady)

Post #: 14

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 12:14:11 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NLitendLady

One more addition here. If you tell your local community, how would you convince them you are not merely a vindictive/scorned sub?

You can't. Even if you hold copies of police reports and he/she was convicted there will still be doubters and there will still be people who want to hear both sides. There is even the point that people can change.
Quite frankly, it's no ones business and you can't save the world.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 15

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 12:31:52 PM

ottRopesandKnots

Posts: 105
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NLitendLady

I always drew up his insulin since he was diabetic. One day I told him in front of our counselor that I had figured out an untraceable way to kill him.

The abuse stopped that day.

You threatened to kill him in front of someone? Woo... I don't think I'd trust your blacklist anyhow.

If someone is being abused, I recommend getting out of the situation. If you can't get out without the aide of the authorities, bring 'em in to get you out.

< Message edited by ottRopesandKnots -- 11/16/2007 12:33:36 PM >

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Post #: 16

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 12:48:24 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Blacklisting never works.
If you are being abused, then find a local support group/shelter/chariety that can assist you and leave, alerting the authorities. If someone else is being abused, there is nothing you can do until that person makes the choice to leave for themselves, in which case let them know you will be there to assist them and be their friend.

the.dark.

I agree with this. and, I agree with this

quote:

You can't. Even if you hold copies of police reports and he/she was convicted there will still be doubters and there will still be people who want to hear both sides. There is even the point that people can change.
Quite frankly, it's no ones business and you can't save the world.

the.dark.

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Post #: 17

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 12:51:43 PM

Lumus

Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

I have to confess...this whole thread feels creepy.

Having been falsely accused of abuse twice in my life, and having been abused myself in the past as a child, it really bothers me to hear things like [yes, I'm paraphrasing]: I stopped my abuse by threatening death. Possibly worse: How do we help people we think are being abused?

To the first - if you try to end violence with threats of more violence, you're perpetuating a cycle. "He did it first" doesn't change the fact that you are now doing it as well. If you don't want to end up an abuser, don't practice abusive behaviours. That's something I struggled with myself for several years...again, being regularly abused can bend one's perceptions, as my abuse taught me. I overcame it.

To the second - while I would not condone a person being abused, I don't make snap judgments either. I've seen both sides of that coin. If you see a guy take a bat to a woman, yes, stop him. If you see a woman yell at a man for twenty minutes, slap him in the face, kick him in the groin, and him push her away, only for her to cry abuse...well, who's the real abuser there?

No one should tolerate abusive behaviour, and by all means, seek help. Don't buy into abusive practice and do it yourself, though, and if you're going to judge, base it on what you know, not what you're told.

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Post #: 18

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 1:33:36 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NLitendLady

Would you tell others if you were with an abusive self proclaimed dominant? Would you give their name to others? Would you warn others? Would you seek legal recourse or merely rid yourself of him? What would you do? I do not mean merely sadistic in the bdsm sense but truly abusive in all forms. As we all know there is a difference between consensual play and abuse. Just want some input.

If someone is abusing you, they are committing a crime.

I strongly believe that they will continue to do that to you or others until they are held accountable.

When I was sexually assaulted in college the police and asked, in a tone that sounded almost like they were begging, if I'd be willing to press charges. I looked at them like they were nuts and said "Of course!" Turns out that he had assaulted two other women on campus and was probably working his way up to rape or murder if I hadn't reported and filed those charges.

I just cannot understand why someone would not press charges.

I do not think using the language of BDSM is ever a reason to not call the police and press charges.

Some folks think we need to take care of these things "ourselves" or "within the community" but honestly abusers, rapists, and criminals aren't really part of the BDSM community, they merely use it as cover. I think when we help them but claiming we can do it ourselves, take care if it on our own, we only add to the negative image non-BDSMers have of the scene.

At minimum if someone asks you about a person you need to be honest in your appraisal of them.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

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(in reply to NLitendLady)

Post #: 19

RE: Would you tell - 11/16/2007 1:47:32 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NLitendLady

Would you tell others if you were with an abusive self proclaimed dominant? Would you give their name to others? Would you warn others? Would you seek legal recourse or merely rid yourself of him? What would you do? I do not mean merely sadistic in the bdsm sense but truly abusive in all forms. As we all know there is a difference between consensual play and abuse. Just want some input.

How do you want your "Hell.. YES!". Fast or slow?

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I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

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Post #: 20

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