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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 1:02:01 AM

Lumus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Wow, what decent master would skip "talking about it" and go straight to punishment or medication just for "acting strangely"?

Just for that, I'm prescribing twenty spankings and a Prozac chaser.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 2:06:59 AM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lumus

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Wow, what decent master would skip "talking about it" and go straight to punishment or medication just for "acting strangely"?

Just for that, I'm prescribing twenty spankings and a Prozac chaser.

I'd find that rather...uh "therapeutic"?

Why does communication have to be confrontational? If I'm in a bdsm d/s relationship with someone I sure better know I can talk to them about these things without it being confrontational and with them actually listening and hearing what I'm saying. If not, posting in a public forum about it isn't really something I would do, finding someone else that is compatible with my communication goals is.

That having been said, I have run things by kink friendly friends before just in general hypotheticals when I wasn't sure I wasn't just overrecating to something. However, I have found it's almost impossible to explain relationship issues to others in a manner that's comprehensive enough for them to really understand as much as your partner does, and afterall, why they are doing the things that bother you is something only they can tell you, not anyone else. The best person to go to is them.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 11/18/2007 2:56:48 AM >

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Post #: 22

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 2:21:43 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

...if you D-type starts doing something that you are not comfortable with at all and you don't want to confront them because they are the problem, where do you go...

this slave goes to Him, anyway, regardless of comfort level. any and all issues, especially if the problem is perceived to have anything to do with Him are brought to Master for His consideration. If He wants to refer this slave out to someone else for discussion of an issue, that's His choice to make, not hers.

Open, honest communication from slave to Master, regardless of personal comfort level, is REQUIRED around here.

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Post #: 23

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 3:41:16 AM

eyesopened

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...if you D-type starts doing something that you are not comfortable with at all and you don't want to confront them because they are the problem, where do you go...

this slave goes to Him, anyway, regardless of comfort level. any and all issues, especially if the problem is perceived to have anything to do with Him are brought to Master for His consideration.

if i had a problem with my Master, i would take the issue directly to Him, period. i talk to Him about everything and i mean everything. i would not take our relationship issues to a public forum. i can see where a person would like to see other people's opinions on various ideas but a one-on-one problem needs to be solved one-on-one.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 8:16:53 AM

Celeste43

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In addition, when I'm uncomfortable confronting him directly, I have been known to email him the problem. This allows him to read it and think about it without needing to respond immediately. Or write it on paper and leave it on his pillow.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 8:57:00 AM

domiguy

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First and foremost, if it is our business I prefer it to stay that way....But for the sake of argument if I am not able to provide the right answers or some aspect of my behavior is causing my partner to seek "outside" council than it definitely means that there is something seriously out of sorts in the relationship. Things probably do not bode well for the future.

I would be pissed depending on how much information was garnished to someone else outside of the relationship...Depending on the seriousness of the problem and if it is something where the blame actually rests on my shoulders would be mitigating circumstances.

On the whole, I tend to deal with people that have a fairly strong sense of self and an ability to work things out in their own noggins....It doesn't mean that all problems simply dissipate or that every relationship is going to go the distance.

I have my shortcomings, at least that is what I have been told.....However, we all know them bitches all be crazy.

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Post #: 26

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 10:42:42 AM

SayaNereida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

When something in your private (Offline World) life starts to get abnormal and things are no longer where you would want them to be and you do not know what to do and the person you would normally ask is the person causing the tilt, where do you go for answers, and then how do you determine what you are going to do next?

I mean I have asked some very serious questions here and getting the kind of replies I have learned not to do that. I mean you only have to get slapped once to know who not to goose right? I know others feel this way too and was wondering if others who know what I am talking about have the same kind of problems and where they go to actaully discuss possible avenues of discourse.

Being fairly new, and very limited in whom I can speak to about D/s or bdsm in particular, I do come to the boards. Although it is not to have others tell me what or how to do something but to get other points of view to sort out my own thoughts.

I have used posts from the boards to launch many conversations between Ryu and myself. IF the subject of my post is about Him or our relationship, it is simply used to sort out my thoughts and possible ways to approach Him with my thoughts, concerns, feelings, etc.

No matter what others have 'advised' on posts, we still do things our way; after all, in the end, we are who we are and will act/behave in that manner.

Seeking differing views online comes with the certainty that those reading your post don't and can't understand all the subtlties of you or your relationship, so you can only use others words as a way to sort your own better.

Yes, I've been 'slapped' a few times as well, however I read it and 'file' it in, "well, that's their opinion from their experience and while fun or irritating to read, it doesn't help" and move to the next.

I mean seriously, even if we turn to someone sitting in front of us (friend, family, or whatever) will they always tell us what we want/need to hear or be helpful?

Why expect something from an online board that doesn't exist in real life?

Saya

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 11:17:06 AM

SteelofUtah

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Good point Saya,

I am not suggesting that anyone go anywhere for anything I am just asking where people go when they need an answer they don't have.

To some of the other posts I want to say that going to your Master, or Mistress or sub or slave or (Insert Perfered Directive Here) does not always solve the problem, I try to fix all the issues that come up in andi and My life but I am human and thus falable and do not always have all the answers and just throwing shit against the wall and seeing what sticks is not always a healthy solution to problems.

I mean LOTS of people have offered solutions that do not always work. I think it is great that people have a fail safe for when they are confused but, lets look into reality Doms no matter how good do not have all the answers, sure I know many subs who think thier Masters do and I know many Dom/me's with puffed chests who think they do too. But SERIOUS situations come up and the answer is not always there and you can't always go to your significant other.

When the girl was getting really bad during her period I sent her to the doctor and had her tell him what was going on with her Originally he suggested PMDD because it was worse when it was closer to her period however it is still getting worse and I could not go to her initally because I did not have all the facts, I went to the Doctor and talked to him , my inlaws and asked about her Mother, and eventually I went to complete strangers who were having similar situations in the form of a support group and information panel and asked and now we are looking into Hormone Treatments.

The Behaviour exibited was one of disobedience and definace, I could easlity just correct and punish and then eventually fail because it isn't something that she really had control over her emotions were being tipped by her hormones. I asked a comeplete stranger who said, "The EXACT same thing happened to us, Try having her get a full Hormone Work up and see what they say." This was something I would have never done had I NOT asked a complete stranger and the Doctor would have never suggested it either because even though she recently had a baby she was still only 21 and thus requesting that test would normally be unnecessary. She is too young for it, but we did and guess what she did, and now she is getting better, the emotions are easing up and she is able to focus on the relationship and not have all these conflicting emotions without a realistic basis to draw on.

I mean I can understand a certain level of arrogance, but some people need to accept that they themselves are not Superheros. No matter the level of control we are all human and thus Falable.

As Always

Steel

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 11:56:11 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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AHhh now the full scope of the question at last.

But the point remains- had she not communicated to you what the problem was and where she felt it was stemming from, you could not have sought answers and worked TOGETHER to solve it at all.

When you're talking about problems that exist within the relationship but have nothing to do with how the relationship works (anything from work issues to health to financial) then by all means seek more informed counsel- which hardly ever means a random group of internet strangers.

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Post #: 29

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 12:03:44 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Good point Saya,

I am not suggesting that anyone go anywhere for anything I am just asking where people go when they need an answer they don't have.

To some of the other posts I want to say that going to your Master, or Mistress or sub or slave or (Insert Perfered Directive Here) does not always solve the problem, I try to fix all the issues that come up in andi and My life but I am human and thus falable and do not always have all the answers and just throwing shit against the wall and seeing what sticks is not always a healthy solution to problems.

I mean LOTS of people have offered solutions that do not always work. I think it is great that people have a fail safe for when they are confused but, lets look into reality Doms no matter how good do not have all the answers, sure I know many subs who think thier Masters do and I know many Dom/me's with puffed chests who think they do too. But SERIOUS situations come up and the answer is not always there and you can't always go to your significant other.

When the girl was getting really bad during her period I sent her to the doctor and had her tell him what was going on with her Originally he suggested PMDD because it was worse when it was closer to her period however it is still getting worse and I could not go to her initally because I did not have all the facts, I went to the Doctor and talked to him , my inlaws and asked about her Mother, and eventually I went to complete strangers who were having similar situations in the form of a support group and information panel and asked and now we are looking into Hormone Treatments.

The Behaviour exibited was one of disobedience and definace, I could easlity just correct and punish and then eventually fail because it isn't something that she really had control over her emotions were being tipped by her hormones. I asked a comeplete stranger who said, "The EXACT same thing happened to us, Try having her get a full Hormone Work up and see what they say." This was something I would have never done had I NOT asked a complete stranger and the Doctor would have never suggested it either because even though she recently had a baby she was still only 21 and thus requesting that test would normally be unnecessary. She is too young for it, but we did and guess what she did, and now she is getting better, the emotions are easing up and she is able to focus on the relationship and not have all these conflicting emotions without a realistic basis to draw on.

I mean I can understand a certain level of arrogance, but some people need to accept that they themselves are not Superheros. No matter the level of control we are all human and thus Falable.

As Always

Steel

Steel I agree with LA. This is the two of you openly communicating with each other first, the fact that you needed outside professional help and wanted to turn to others doesn't negate the fact that you both communicated and are working on a plan. That's not what we see here that often, we see, I haven't told him/her, I wanted to see what others thought first.

It's not possible to get both sides of the story or know the relationship, people and dynamics on an internet board. The advice given here outside of the extreme nobrainer cases is always somewhat lacking because of that. The same is probably true of speaking with friends. There's nothing wrong with asking others, but one must realize that the best first source of information is almost always your partner.

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Post #: 30

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 12:28:20 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
Basically if you D-type starts doing something that you are not comfortable with at all and you don't want to confront them because they are the problem, where do you go.

Depends on what he is doing. I might ask my Mom or my female friends. Might ask our mutual guy friends if it seemed to be a "guy" thing. I might talk to some of the s-types in the area, people who know Valyraen and I personally and have seen us interact as a couple. I might shoot an e-mail to some of the people I have made friends with here and ask them personally. Usually it's to figure out exactly what I want to say to Valyraen or to figure out if I actually care about the problem enough to talk about it. Sometimes it becomes a moot issue once I get to vent to someone about it.

Most of the time I just talk to him directly. This is definately the most honest and open relationship I have ever been in. I will never get in trouble for discussing a problem I am having with him because we both want this to work in the long haul. Certainly I would never go to an internet forum for advice without having discussed it with him. If only for the sake of presenting both sides of the story fairly we would have to write such a post together.

quote:

And if your s-type starts acting strangely and you are unsure of if you should adminster punishment or Mood Elevators or Medication but aren't quite sure yet where do you go?

Valyraen does not adminster a punishment without at least informing me of why I was being punished. We do not believe that is effective. We talk about what happened and take whatever steps are needed to ensure that will not happen again. He would never adminster medication as he is not a trained physican. I would never accept medication stronger than Advil or NyQuil from him because of that.

What he can do is order my ass into the doctor's office or into therapy. Once in therapy, the decision to go on medication will be mine and my therapist's, not his because he does not have the training to make the decision. He would certainly be able to meet with my therapist and provide his input on my behavior though. He also wouldn't give me any mood elevators stronger than a hug, an "I love you, ya freak", an orgasm or really nice chocolate.

As far as where he would go, judging from past situtations... me. He might talk to friends about other things but if it was a question about my head space and needing medication, he would come to me. We talk openly about my mental state and I keep him updated on how I am feeling.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 12:59:41 PM

phedre81

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I'm not sure of the OP's original point. Are you saying that you think the boards are too snarky to people with what you feel are legitimate questions??

If so, I find that interesting, since you apparently got your question answered in a very helpful way.

Idk, it seems like there's always some snarky comments, even on threads that (IMHO) are legitimate and relevant. But I think most of the time you can cull through them, and find helpful things, like you did.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 1:53:25 PM

SteelofUtah

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Again we are moving away from the Topic at hand and transfering things back onto me as the Poster. I am Looking for an answer to the question, Not the Problem, I have worked on the problem, did so in the beginning of our relationship. I did so by asking for help from someone who MIGHT know more than me, not by thinking I knew everything buy by steping out of my own arrogance and ASKING for help, YES from a complete group of strangers. They happened to be educated in these kinds of things and, as I have thought to myself many times, People on a BDSM Forum should be versed in BDSM so this would be a good place to go to get information.

I am NOT suggesting that every bit of information you get should be taken as the words of the stone, but rather that asking someone else who MIGHT have a more detailed perspective on it holds value. Having thought this way I came here to offer insight on other peoples problems if I could and ask for possible solutions to my own should they arise.

What has me curious is that there are so many people with an attitude that you should know everything before you get involved which leads me to wonder what they do when they don't have all the answers and the person that they go to answers for is part of the problem?

I am Not trying to ask you to fix my life, I know that I am responsible for that what I am asking is what do you do when you need an answer and run out of LOGICAL Options (LIke Asking the person, someone you respect, Etc., etc.)

I know everyone wants to make this question somehow about me, but it isn't I am curious about you. I want to know what you do when you need an answer knowing that comeing here and asking it is going to gather the kinds of responces that are common on collar me.

As Always

Steel

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 2:03:00 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
I want to know what you do when you need an answer knowing that comeing here and asking it is going to gather the kinds of responces that are common on collar me.

And what is the common response here on CM?

As I said before, anytime that I have asked a question here, the overall response has been very positive and helpful. I cannot recall any negative responses. However, I do not focus on negativity from people who do not have significance in my life.

Maybe the problem is not so much how or what other people post, but what the readers are doing with what is posted. So many times I see OP's focus on what they perceive as the negative responses they get and not even acknowledge positive ones. Their perspective and experience seems to be more a product of where they are putting their attention and focus than what anonymous people on an internet board are saying.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 2:06:04 PM

susie

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Just like others have said, if I have a problem in my relationship I go to the one person who knows me best and understands my relationship, my partner.

Coming to an open forum and asking people who do not know me, do not know my Master and do not know anything about the dyamic of our relationship would be a bit pointless. After all they would only be hearing my side of the situation and not the whole issue.

If I can't talk through relationship problems with the only other person in the relationship then there is not much hope for us as a couple.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 2:27:34 PM

MadRabbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Again we are moving away from the Topic at hand and transfering things back onto me as the Poster. I am Looking for an answer to the question, Not the Problem, I have worked on the problem, did so in the beginning of our relationship. I did so by asking for help from someone who MIGHT know more than me, not by thinking I knew everything buy by steping out of my own arrogance and ASKING for help, YES from a complete group of strangers. They happened to be educated in these kinds of things and, as I have thought to myself many times, People on a BDSM Forum should be versed in BDSM so this would be a good place to go to get information.

I am NOT suggesting that every bit of information you get should be taken as the words of the stone, but rather that asking someone else who MIGHT have a more detailed perspective on it holds value. Having thought this way I came here to offer insight on other peoples problems if I could and ask for possible solutions to my own should they arise.

What has me curious is that there are so many people with an attitude that you should know everything before you get involved which leads me to wonder what they do when they don't have all the answers and the person that they go to answers for is part of the problem?

I am Not trying to ask you to fix my life, I know that I am responsible for that what I am asking is what do you do when you need an answer and run out of LOGICAL Options (LIke Asking the person, someone you respect, Etc., etc.)

I know everyone wants to make this question somehow about me, but it isn't I am curious about you. I want to know what you do when you need an answer knowing that comeing here and asking it is going to gather the kinds of responces that are common on collar me.

As Always

Steel

Awww okay...I get it now. The highlighted projection of yours made it all clear.

This wasnt one of those "I have a problem and want constructive answers" type posts.

This was a "I don't like how all the mean people talk on the forums so I am gonna whine about it as if somehow there will be a change with the 1112345th time this kind of thing has appeared here" type posts.

Personally, I much rather go with staying arrogant and aggressive on these boards as opposed to going your route and filling the bandwith with self idealizing, "holier than thou" lectures about how everyone needs to be less like whatever unque personality they have and be more like me.

Beleive it or not...the snarkiness and the no holds style that is commonly seen here does serve a purpose...weeding out the garbarge that is toted regularly on these boards so hopefully correct information will get through.

Everyone goes through it and it comes with participating in the non restricted discussions here. I've had my ass handed to me for posting idiotic, poorly thought out, and completely inaccurate things. Most of it I took pretty well, some I didn't and pouted a bit..

In every case, however, I always learned something...even if it was only completely stupid and idiotic my statement was and how I needed to rethink it through a bit.

There is plenty of message boards specifically designed for new people that are heavily moderated where there is nothing but an endless series of "positive and happy" posts in response to whatever silliness people post. People are more and welcome to go and post silliness there with no fear of it being ripped apart by the big bad wolves.

Collarme.com isn't for Teletubbies.

(And personally, I have yet to articulate a topic asking questions, starting a discussion, or looking for advice that was met with anything besides mostly serious, well thought out, answers. I am guessing my serious, well thought out questions probably had something to do with it)

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Post #: 36

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 5:28:04 PM

SteelofUtah

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Perhaps you are right Mad Rabbit.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't clearly think out my points before hand, what is sad is that with the three of four threads I started on what you call "Snarkiness" I have recieved quite a few e-mails on the back said thinking me for it. It would seem not everyone feel quite so willing to deal with the Snarkiness as you are.

Think Skin is one thing but feeling like you question is wrong or not well thought out and still not recieving any answers getting you any closer to where you want to be is another.

I am amazed at the Arrogant Crap that gets thrown around here, as if every person who throws it has always had all the answers, which I and anyone who is willing to admit they are Human and not some Uber Lifestyle Guru can relate to.

I know I had questions, Thank GOD I never had to ask them here, if I did I would be more F'ed up then when I started. I asked people who knew more than me as well as people who knew less than me what THEY would do if THEY were in my situation and if something sounded like it might work I tried it.

What I feel I have either failed to present or went misunderstood is that there are times when you and your partner will NOT have the answers. Seeing how SOME (not all but some) of the people of the people who have come across as having all the answers I wanted to know WHAT they do when they DONT have an answer.

This was not a whine and Cheese post it was curious as to how many people can admit they are Human and so far I have learned that there are those who are blow hards who have good advice and there are blow hards who have bad advice, but the ones I am looking for are those who can relate to being in a situation and not having a clue as to what to do to get out of it.

As Always

Steel

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Post #: 37

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 5:36:41 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Perhaps you are right Mad Rabbit.

Perhaps my problem is that I don't clearly think out my points before hand, what is sad is that with the three of four threads I started on what you call "Snarkiness" I have recieved quite a few e-mails on the back said thinking me for it. It would seem not everyone feel quite so willing to deal with the Snarkiness as you are.

Think Skin is one thing but feeling like you question is wrong or not well thought out and still not recieving any answers getting you any closer to where you want to be is another.

I am amazed at the Arrogant Crap that gets thrown around here, as if every person who throws it has always had all the answers, which I and anyone who is willing to admit they are Human and not some Uber Lifestyle Guru can relate to.

I know I had questions, Thank GOD I never had to ask them here, if I did I would be more F'ed up then when I started. I asked people who knew more than me as well as people who knew less than me what THEY would do if THEY were in my situation and if something sounded like it might work I tried it.

What I feel I have either failed to present or went misunderstood is that there are times when you and your partner will NOT have the answers. Seeing how SOME (not all but some) of the people of the people who have come across as having all the answers I wanted to know WHAT they do when they DONT have an answer.

This was not a whine and Cheese post it was curious as to how many people can admit they are Human and so far I have learned that there are those who are blow hards who have good advice and there are blow hards who have bad advice, but the ones I am looking for are those who can relate to being in a situation and not having a clue as to what to do to get out of it.

As Always

Steel

Steel you can't fix the world, you can only keep your corner clean. Assuming someone will be "f'd up" from internet advice from people they don't know at all and don't know them is assuming they are mindless simpletons. 99% of the time, I don't think that's true. I understand your concerns, but you don't have to save them. They can save themselves.

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Post #: 38

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 5:40:11 PM

LotusSong

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From: Domme Emeritus
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I'm the type to always go to the source. If the problem is with D or s.. I'd GO to D or s and discuss it.

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Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

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Post #: 39

RE: The Unknown? - 11/18/2007 5:41:27 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

On the one occasion where we thought we might not be able to come to an agreement, we decided that we would go see my therapist together. As it happens, the need for an immediate solution disappeared so we haven't done so. But if we couldn't solve it ourselves, we have absolutely no problem seeing a professional.

(in reply to laurell3)

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Post #: 40