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Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 5:58:53 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Not to derail another thread, I wanted to start a new discussion on this topic.

How many of you enjoy the aspect of domination that includes "fixing" a sub/slave with bad habits or emotional baggage, and how far will you go? Where do you draw the line?

As sub/slave where is the line between becoming the person that pleases your Dom/me and maintaining your own values?

For me, I admit to a fondness for this aspect of domination as I tend to be someone who likes to help, advise and counsel people and cheer them up and make them feel good about themselves. It's just in my nature. There are also some habits that directly affect the ability for someone to be in a healthy relationship, so those things must be worked on. I would not take on someone I felt had severe issues, but I enjoy those who are generally emotionally healthy, but needs some insight, and perhaps some outside guidance to put a plan together.

Post #: 1

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:00:32 AM

TheGorenSociety

Posts: 116
Joined: 2/13/2005
Status: offline

One has to be of a mindset first to want to be fixed!!

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 2

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:04:18 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

i would not get into a relationship with someone who wanted to fix me or who needed to be fixed...that is not what relationships are for me, power exchange or not...that is what therapists are for...

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to TheGorenSociety)

Post #: 3

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:26:44 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

There are things I am fixing about myself, things that he may even give me advice on how to change, but the change comes from within. I am always trying to improve myself though. My life is a constant journey of bettering myself.

The issue is this, am I satisfied with who I am right this minute? A year ago I would have answered "no". I love me today, I love myself just as I exist, so if a dominant person made being in a relationship with me contingent upon me changing something about myself, well it would not work out for me or for him. If he wants to order me to take a particular action, that is fine, but not change who I am... example, I would not be with someone that ordered me not to pursue anthropology and stay home all day. I am who I am, and I am an anthropologist... but thankfully for me this isn't an issue in my relationship because the fact I am who I am is attractive to him

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 4

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:38:45 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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I like to be in relationships with people who help me be a better me. Whether the relationship is M/s or friendship it does not matter. I am unlikely to put in the effort to maintain a friendship with someone who does not do that or who has a negative impact on me being a better person. Also, what they do to help does not necessarily have to be active and conscious.

I do not expect people to fix me or make me whole. I expect to do whatever work is needed to fix me or make me whole (though I did most of that before meeting my Lord.) I would not want to be in a relationship where they wanted to fix me or if others wanted me to fix them. That removes responsibility to self in my eyes and it is just not a place I am willing to go. I would perceive myself as going backwards, and I don't want to do that.

The questions for me are, who am I and whose vision of me do I follow? Who I am is based on my character. It is not based on what I do. What I do may be a reflection of who I am or it may be a reflection of who he is. I have no problem with changing my behavior to suit my Lord because I admire who he is, his character.

Changing my behavior to suit him does not threaten who I am in any way. If he was someone that I perceived as weak character or lacking in morals, then the changing behaviors may have a negative impact on who I am. Since I admire his character and his morality, then the behaviors he wants will only have a positive or nuetral impact on my character.

Before being owned, I followed my vision of who I was and who I wanted to be. Now that I am owned it is his vision that I follow. I follow his because he has earned that trust because of who he is. His vision is also quite similar to what my own used to be.

I think many people get stuck with changing their behavior to suit someone else because they define who they are by what they do. If they have to change what they do, then it changes who they perceive themselves to be. The fact that I hang my wet bras on the bedroom door handle doesn't define me, and it is a behavior that will have to be changed once I move into his house.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 5

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:45:06 AM

smilezz

Posts: 2156
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<cringes> with bad memories

ack!

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(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 6

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:52:05 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I like to be in relationships with people who help me be a better me. Whether the relationship is M/s or friendship it does not matter. I am unlikely to put in the effort to maintain a friendship with someone who does not do that or who has a negative impact on me being a better person. Also, what they do to help does not necessarily have to be active and conscious.

I like this, and I agree

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:54:10 AM

TheGorenSociety

Posts: 116
Joined: 2/13/2005
Status: offline

I see this as a path. A sub starts at the beginning of the path as they walk the path some experience more then others some take different forks in the path while others just stand there. The direction and the destination is not what is important, but the journey.The destination will come when it comes. Each slave will grow into what she is to be. Time is always moving forward whether we choose to grow from the path we are on or not. It always moves forward. Old chinese proverb, even the hardest rock changes in time due to the elements leading it down the path to the sea.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:11:03 AM

Sexynmentalinkc

Posts: 132
Joined: 4/14/2006
Status: offline

I don't mind it but I don't search for the 'broken' just to get out my toolbox. Ironically, I fix things and solve problems for a living.

While I definitely believe in bettering a pet, I draw the line when it starts to feel more like work and less like 'fun'. In other words, I don't mind adding sweat equity to a property I own but I'm gonna feel like dumping it very fast if it starts to look like it will become a time/energy/money 'pit'.

*tips his hat*

- Mr. S

_____________________________

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. ...I'm certainly not. And I'm sick and tired of being told that I am..."

(in reply to TheGorenSociety)

Post #: 9

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:11:07 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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The thing with trying to fix subs or anyone for that matter with out the proper schooling. You can do more damage then good. Some people in this lifestyle have been very bad things traumatizing.. Areas you can make a sub better in organizational and job related. But as far as emotional and past NOPE

(in reply to TheGorenSociety)

Post #: 10

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:24:47 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
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Thanks for the answers. I think I'm pretty much on the same page as the rest of you. I think Kyra said it best when she said "I like to be in relationships with people who help me be a better me."

As a rescuer I've learned the hard way not to do more work than the other person is doing. I want to lend a hand, not hoist someone on my back and carry them, but I'm not one to force anyone to take my hand either. They either want it or they don't. But what about when the don't and their issues impact the relationship? What if they have communication issues? Can't express themselves? What if they can't let down their guard or can't take criticism? Where do you draw the line between issues that MUST be fixed to continue the relationship and those that are optional?

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 11

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:31:05 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
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Within a new relationship, some remodeling may be in order.

No one however, desires a money pit.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 12

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:42:06 AM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I am not sure you can fix anyone of their emotional baggage - that has to come from them. We all have some form of baggage or issues. It becomes a choice of whether the two in the relationship want to work through some of those or not. For me at least an understanding and acknowledgment of the issues and a willingness to talk would be a good starting point.

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to chiaThePet)

Post #: 13

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 9:04:21 AM

rmanrr

Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

Greetings
In answer without reading any further responses.... I draw the line right at the beginning. When I first began speaking to My woman we began as friends with no expectation or inclination that anything further would develop. After our separate journeys had ended, I realized that I had changed, evolved and was attracted. I asked, she agreed to begin to speak seriously. We discussed and still discuss literally anything that comes into our minds. Right from the start I told her I wanted all of her and offered her all of Me. I have received that from her and given her all as well. The answer to your question from My perspective is simply, Why would I want to expend an enormous amount of time, energy, mental thought, and what ever else to change someone? If after spending time getting to know them and, them Me, a mesh or fit would not be evident then WHY continue? Small adjustments, on the parts of both are of course acceptable and required, but if My woman was not a fit for Me then why continue? Having lived long enough to know what I did not want, I found almost by accident, what I did want. I do not need to change any major damn thing about her as I accept her as she is, and vice versa. (shrugs) it works for us and we are the two who count in this relationship/dynamic.

_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 14

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 9:07:34 AM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
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Yes, but you don't have to be someone's therapist. It's amazing how much repair you can do to someone's self image if you just show them that they are honestly wanted, and desired. Add in a few heartfelt compliments here and there, and suddenly the "warm fuzzies" tend to take root. In my experience, most people are capable of healing on their own... but having someone there to support the idea that they are a good person, and are worth something to them, helps a great deal.

I suppose that's something a lover should do, if they are vanilla, or BDSM...

Again, it's those last lines from Annie Hall:

A man walks into a shrinks office, and says:
"Dr. you need to help me, my brother thinks he's a chicken."
"A chicken?" Replies the Dr. "That's terrible! You should bring him in to see me."
"I would," says the man, "but we need the eggs."

Love affairs are like that... crazy and irrational... but they nourish our souls. So we get into them and stay with them, 'cause we need the eggs.

(in reply to MrSpectacular)

Post #: 15

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 9:08:59 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I don't consider myself to be broken so natually, I would not want someone to 'fix' me.

Like Kyra said though; I enjoy the company of others who help me to be the best that I can be; it's not the same as wanting to be fixed though

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 16

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 9:19:25 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

I am cautiously in favor of this. the concern I have is, the individual should not be changing themselves for another person. it should be for themselves, though of course the other person hopefully benefits from the change.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 17

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 9:19:29 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
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The problem is, if the sub doesn't get fixed when you want them to, it's over. It's a huge fvcking risk. I'm guilty of trying, but I don't anymore. If they don't get the submission right the first time, if they have bad habits and/or idiot thought processes that creep out from time to time, then I either make a firm decision to live with it and learn to like it or I make a firm decision to leave. I *do* reserve the deciding vote when we disagree on plans or activities or chores. And I expect them to have the same sort of "love it because it's Him" sort of attitude about my stupidities.

There's a story about this new marriage--the woman learns the man's got a gambling habit. At first she tries to fight him on it; he gets massively pissed and the marriage almost fails. She decides he's worth having anyway--because he doesn't lose a LOT of money, it's just something that bothers her--so she decides to learn everything she can about gambling. After a few months, she's quoting odds tables at him and asking what his expected percentages are... she starts conversations with the card dealers and gets him involved... they both get really enthusiastic about it, and yet he oddly stops actually gambling and starts sticking to the freeroll games. Maybe because being reminded of what his actual, hard-number chances are takes the magic out of it... or maybe because he had something to prove--a measure of independence--and he got it, so he didn't need it anymore. A key fact here is that it worked because she didn't learn about gambling to get him to stop, she did it because it was something that was his, because she valued the marriage more than she valued being right, and so she wanted to be in it with him. That kind of attitude can change the course of nations, IMO. Even if you're a Top dealing with a sub, depending.

D

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to TheGorenSociety)

Post #: 18

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 9:23:39 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

I don't mind fixing... I personally prefer to think of it as unfolding.
I draw the line at inequity.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to MrSpectacular)

Post #: 19

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 10:24:33 AM

MistressDoMe

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

I may help a little bit, but I am not a trained social worker, psychologist nor a life coach.
I also do not want to become them.
I would point him in the direction in which he could gain help from professionals.

< Message edited by MistressDoMe -- 11/18/2007 10:25:18 AM >

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 20

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