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MasterMike04103 -> RE: Dominant because you say so? (11/20/2007 11:31:37 AM)
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For the people who have and will say that my opinion is wrong:
There is a little known or should I say accepted secret in the world of BDSM. This magical peice of knowledge is: Submissives have more power than Dominants. Now before you flame this post all to hell, let me post a essay on the topic I wrote while back. After you read it, come back and talk to me.
The Ultimate Submission
I know by the title some of you might think you know what I am about to say, but I assure you, unless you are sitting here with me as I compose this essay, you surely do not. As I have gotten to know quite a few members of the BDSM community around my home state, as well as some from around the world, I have learned one important lesson: the greatest gift of submission is not when a person who identifies as a sub kneels and accepts a collar, nor is it the extreme maso-slave who is has a "leather ass;" what it truly is, is the Dominant person of the relationship accepting the submissive person in whatever his or her state of mental, emotional and physical conditioning.
Ask a thousand people the same question and you will get a thousand different answers. I say this because in our lifestyle it is what the couple or "family" makes it. Families in this lifestyle, however, are a totally different story which I might attempt to touch on in the future, but for now, I am going to break down the roles of Dominant and Submissive for the masses. To do this I am going to simply take what is common knowledge about our lifestyle and mix it with a bit of psychology, shake it over ice and strain into a martini glass, for what I like to call... Dominants are submissive too.
For some people in our lifestyle, being a Dominant is purely for their own self gain. We call these ego-driven people "Dominates," because they have a way of taking anything from our lifestyle and twisting it in such a way that it is to the point of cartoon humor. Take your average online-only Dominate, Lord High Grand Master Zeus: he is the ruler of all he sees, and on his home planet he is king of all he can put his pecker against. Once this person finds that he has picked through all the new meat, he changes his name to something equally as ridiculous and repeats the cycle. As comical as these people are, you truly can find them at munches as well as online cyber rooms. They make up a small percentage of the true ranks.
Other people perceive a Dominant person as a person who has a ton of experience and toys, judging the Dominance by the number of floggers in their toy bag rather than by the skill of which they use them. I like to call these the compensationalists, as they try to overcompensate for their lack of skills with flashy talk and large quantities of toys. These are often the ones who show up to an event stag and prey on the younger fresh meat, and we lovingly call them chicken hawkers. More experienced lifestylers will see these people as a threat and make it known that a person of their nature is not safe to any and all newcomers at the event.
Now that I have covered the nastiness of our lifestyle, at least as far as Dominates are concerned, I would like to look at your everyday lifestyle Dom -- the natural dominant. This person feels as comfortable being a companion as they do being the controller of power and all decisions. With that said, I would like to take a quick moment to go back to a statement I made in a previous paragraph. Dominants are submissive... Yup, I said it, and I stand by it with all the fibers in my body. A person like me who identifies as a Dominant and is respected as one, not only by my partner but by members and peers in the greater kink community, is truly submissive to our partner. No, it is not the typical role you think of when you think of Dom and sub couples, but trust me... it is true.
Think about this for a moment: as a Dominant, I am responsible for the safety of my submissive, for making all the final decisions in both of our lives. That is just the tip of the ice berg, in my opinion. To get my submissive to the point that I was able to offer a collar of any kind took a lot of work from me, which I hate to tell you Doms, is an act of service and submission. Going out and finding all the info and double checking that you agree with what the authors touch on is a huge job. You don't ask yourself to do this do you, Doms? No, the submissive asks it of you and without thinking you jump and get on it. See what I am saying, gang? They have us by the balls and they don't even know it most of the time.
Really, though, Doms, we are in control of a lot of power, which affects not only the sub but the Dom and the community as well. I firmly believe that, as much as we love being in control and being Dominant in their lives, without them and their gift, we are nothing but a bunch of kinky people with a huge investment in metals and leather. It was once said, "Behind every good man is a great woman." I think that behind every good Dominant person there is a even greater submissive partner allowing them to be who and what they are.
At any moment, the sub in your life, assuming you have one, could turn to you and say, "I'm done being your submissive. Go find someone else." For whatever reasons the submissive gives, it all boils down to the Dominant not succumbing to the true needs of the submissive. This again shows how the Dominant is really the one who must bow at times to the needs of another. If you don't believe what I am saying here as gospel, just go to any of the fetish dating sites like Collarme and Alt dot com, look at all the single Doms out there, and then compare that number to single submissives. In short, it is our job to take care of the needs, wants and desires of the submissive so that we as Doms can get all that we want out of our relationship with them.
I know by now if you are still reading this, you are saying, "Mike, you are a nut job. How can you expect me to believe all this bull crap you have just written?" Well, it is quite simple. When you find a submissive, try doing whatever you want with them and after a while, if you disregard their needs, you will be sitting on Alt dot com trolling for a new one because the submissive holds the power. Without the magical gift, Dominants are nothing. End of story. I know it is a hard pill to swallow at times but we are not talking anything more than a give and take. Even Doms, I am afraid, have to follow this rule and give a lot before they are able to take anything.
A D/s relationship on an intimate level is nothing more than a partnership. My girlfriend is also my submissive, and in all honesty, there are nights when we are together that I don't want to be Daddy Mike, the Dom. No, I want to be Boyfriend Mike, her lover and best friend. I have, on occasion, told my sub to take off her collar for this very reason and I am not ashamed to say so. I am a human, not some war machine that the lit-erotica crowd has conjured up in their fiction. I am sure that by now some of you out there are searching for a way to kill me because I am being honest and truthful. I am not making the typical stand that Dominates make. Hell, I challenge any one of the people reading this to prove me wrong. Go for it, I dare you, because deep down we all know that it is human nature to help and be helped, to love and to be loved. We in the lifestyle have just added in the sado-masochistic side to the dice of life.
Mike
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