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julietsierra -> RE: Its a Matter Of Trust (11/23/2007 9:20:41 AM)
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Don't know about trust... I do know that it's possible to look at all the facts, including what makes me happy and what doesn't, and make the decision that he's worth so much more than just walking away.
So, my way of doing things is to get what needs to be talked about talked out to the point that both people feel heard and a resolution is reached that both can live with, and then, I drop it. This doesn't mean it can't be mentioned again as if it somehow didn't happen, but it can be approached as a part of our entire lives together, not as a weapon to wield against him for all time.
And once I've made my decision and we've done the talking that's necessary, I stand by my decision (afterall, it is MY decision to stay) and we move forward from there.
I've found that trust is not quick in coming and that there's this thought in the back of my head from time to time when I'm not feeling so strong, but these days, instead of that thought making me sad or angry, it's an opportunity to take a good look at the relationship I'm in and recommit all over again to a man who has it in him to be imperfect and still the perfect man for me.
So... is it possible? Yes, but not as a condition to continued interaction with him. It's more a result of continued interaction with him. (meaning you have to decide for yourself without waiting for some amorphous "proof" and then work from there.)
Do you consider the possibility? For me, absolutely - even though I wasn't sure at first if I wanted to or could. But I did and that was many years ago. I've never been sorry.
How do you forget the past transgression? You don't. I put it in the category of things remembered and understand that no one is perfect. I look at the entire man, see the good, the not so good and the just plain bad and make a determination from there to stay if on the whole, I'm happy. And for a while - a long while - I watch. I make myself fully present in the moment and leave the future to the future. As time passes, the "transgression" takes on less importance as over and over again, without me demanding or requesting or anything like that, he shows me that he meant what he said when we were talking this all out.
And I move on from there.
That's what I did. And know what? I thoroughly love the fact that I choose to submit to someone who is not perfect. I think on some level, I like that it's a harder row to hoe and that we've been successful. I like that when I say "I submit" I know that I'm doing so with the full knowledge that I can be hurt, that I have been hurt and that we've overcome all of that. For some reason, I think (contrary to many others who say these things are deal breakers) that problems like this, while having the potential to ruin us, have tempered our relationship and like steel, have created something much stronger than it was when we first began.
I'll admit there is this desire to still be able to approach him and us from a place of innocent trust, but I really do like much more the fact that I can trust him knowing full well what he's capable of. Most of all though, I like the idea that I trusted myself to make a decision and that it was a wise one.
You will never be able to control his actions, and if what you're feeling is true, you may be hurt badly, but to make the decision to stick it out just may be a life changing one as it was for me.
And seriously, do you really want to be able to control his actions? I didn't, so the only thing I could do was control mine. I decided to stay. What I like best about this course of action is that if I ever do decide to leave, or if he decides to leave me...I won't be thinking myself the fool. Cause it was ME who decided to stay, regardless of his actions.
Since then, I've thought about back then often, and each time, I'm so utterly grateful we had that event in our lives. It made me realize with amazing clarity just how much he meant to me. (I think it also helped him to realize that I mean what I say and don't try to play games with thinly veiled attempts at underhanded control. When I say I can't do something, it means I can't...not that I'm telling him I won't.)
Since then, I don't think a day has passed since then where I've taken him or our relationship for granted. I know what's possible and am happy that so far, we've achieved what others have claimed is the impossible.
juliet
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